MiL has been here 60mins...

[whatatod0]

Oh god. parents-in-law have been here 1 hour into a 7 day visit. They are already annoying me.
MIL likes to help/take over my kitchen and she doesn't listen when I tell her to go and sit down (nicely). If I give her a job to do she just gets in my way and takes forever to do it.
I want to run away for the week.

Threads like this make me so grateful for my own MIL, who's absolutely lovely 💚. Looking back, she was probably one of the reasons I married her son!

I'm about to become a MIL and will probably be accused of not caring/helping. The way I see it is I have done my bit bringing up my kids, caring for my miserable OH and keeping our home clean and tidy and everyone fed as well as working fulltime for the last 42 years. So my ds is getting married, he is more than capable of looking after himself and his fiancee is more than capable to. If I'm invited round for dinner/visit I go and enjoy not having to cook for once and usually clean up/wash up as a thank you (OH sits on bum as usual).They love to come here for meals and I invite them every couple weeks or they just drop in. If they have children I may l babysit if asked and I'm available but when I'm not working I really value my time now and am starting to take some me time after years of caring for everyone else. I do not want to end up like so many of my friends resenting their grandkids because they are "tied down" with regular babysitting/childcare. I want to help if needed but am happy to take a back seat if not. My own mum was similar, there if needed but not in your face ( I miss her everyday) and my MIL was a quiet woman who sometimes tried to "interfere" but realised I was quite capable and if I needed help would ask but generally she was lovely and I know she thought a great deal of me (probably for taking her bloody son of her hands!). My friend has a MIL from hell, she stole her son from her and 26 years later is still not forgiven

Oh wow OP - i feel the pain! When i first started dating my OH i quite liked my then future MIL whom I thought was outgoing and quite fun. Fast forward 3 years and i started to realise how much mental damage was done to my OH by her when he was a child, my opinion slowly starts to slide but as we were overseas I didn't see her much.

Fast forward another 5 years, marriage and two toddlers, have returned from overseas and i am physically recovering from a serious accident that left me disabled, staying with my parents as a. They have the space and b. They want to help care for me and the kids whilst oh is at work. In laws come to "help" once a month by taking the dcs out for 2 hours so to give my parents a "rest". Every visit dcs are returned 2 hours later covered in dirt, cuts, bumps and bruises, chocolate and icecream and are so hyped up on sugar they don't sleep till gone 10pm, in spite of me politely requesting no sugar every visit.

Then my parents take a much needed holiday and whilst they are away I had to have surgery. So my OH asked his parents if they could possibly help out with the dcs bearing in mind we are constantly bombarded with "oh if we can ever help at all...."and as they only live 30 mins away they came the day before to get some clothes and things (in spite of having their dgc monthly and being very well off, they had only one toy in the house which naturally caused enormous fights as to which dgc got to play with the ONE toy). Whilst at my parents house I was in kitchen and overheard my MIL very loudly complaining to my OH that he wouldn't give her the keys to my parents house saying how selfish he was and how inconvenient what we were asking was. So I came outside and joined the "discussion" where I discovered that she found the plans of them coming to collect the dgc, taking them to theirs for the day, feeding them lunch and dinner, popping them in their pjs and driving them 30 minutes back was far too difficult, complicated and inconvenient and why couldn't my OH give her the keys to my parents house so they could stay at the house all day whilst my OH and i were in hospital and when I got home that afternoon after my operation they could just go. I refused the keys stating it was not my house to give the keys to, at which point she lost the plot swearing at me, telling me the dcs were the most foul children she'd ever come across, how we were all just lazy "f*$%s" and then started blaming my disability on me and it was all my fault!

Funilly enough I requested she leave the premises. I ended up taking a taxi to the hospital and back so OH could look after the dcs. She hasn't spoken to me since nor seen her dcs, her choice. It has been 7 years and they are the only dgcs she'll ever have!

So yes, I sympathise and yes I needed to mil bash but for a very good reason! Best of luck. 🍷🍷🍸🌷

What we are useful for is looking after your kids and giving you dosh - Heels, ain't that the truth!

My MIL lived 10 minutes' drive from us. She made it quite clear that she wanted nothing to do with any of us. Children were a burden and an imposition, and she would never babysit. My own parents also refused to be involved with babysitting, as they needed to be free to travel and socialise with their friends. My mother had never worked in her entire life, leaving the majority of the housework to my sister and me while she played golf. I try to be a good MIL, never complaining, comparing, nagging, whining. I don't try hard enough, apparently.

It's the rearranging of my stuff that winds me up. I wouldn't dream of going into her house when she's not there and finding 'better' ways for her kitchen to be organised. Or of rummaging through her cupboards, digging out a basket (which was actually in storage for the PTA Christmas Fair as school hasn't got the space) and filling it with stuff that already has a perfectly good home.

I am not a child who needs guidance in how to run a household. Moreover, I am not her child and it is not ok for her to rummage through my things, or fold my pants.

Oh and the dishwasher race made me laugh in recognition. MIL has an aversion to dishwashers too. What's that all about? But go ahead, knock yourself out, I'll be right here sitting down with a glass of wine while you bash the pans around in the sink - and nope, I'm not drying up.

acacia yes, this is what my MIL is like too! I love her personally but wish she'd stop trying to 'improve' my home without telling/asking me!

Some try too hard..some don't try at all, and some fall somewhere in between. Yes it is a relationship minefield, but its not rocket science.
My sil always knew she could rely on my mum, and indeed she often did. But my mother never ever overstepped the boundary between forcing/offering her help and letting them know she would help if needed, and certainly never expected anything in return. They are adults, if they need your help, they can all but ask.
It is highly irritating when a woman assumes, by simple virtue of age (and assumed authority?), that you absolutely need their help and interference to run your own home, especially when you've been capable of running your own home for over 30 years! Or feel they have a right to tell you how you should rear and feed your kids, or how you should run your life and marriage. For some MILs there really are no boundaries, and that is plainly wrong. We have never asked for help, not once! Yet current MIL just assumes you are incompetent somehow, and announces she is coming to 'help', which turns out to be an exhausting nightmare for everyone, and certainly never ever can be classed as 'help'?! She has never once offered to babysit, (not that we want) either when she's been here for long stays, or we have been there. She will crowd your space with her haughty authority 24/7..and makes sarcastic comments about letting us go out together for a meal sometime..yet never ever actually offers. Its as if she's goading you sometimes, I really don't understand why. And as for money, we have certainly never asked for a penny on that front! And this lady is a millionaire so could quite happily buy our house if she wanted..but would probably also take your soul So I'm really not sure where that broad brush assumption comes from.
I find it so surprising why some people cannot see how genuinely difficult these situations can be. I would never have known that MIL issues were such a hot topic on forums like this, until I met my 2nd MIL..and by then I was already 40 and had obviously been blessed until then!

Can I just ask what people think about mil texting while we are on holiday. It's one of the smaller annoying things she does but we have a holiday coming up in May and even though my DH asks her not to text us, she still does. He won't leave his phone at home because he'd only be doing it to avoid texts from her. It just feels an intrusion when holidays are so precious and then his phone beeps and it's her asking questions about the weather whilst telling us what the weather is like at home. No one else bothers us if they know we are on holiday. He doesn't reply but she then sends more saying similar things.

Would welcome some advice as it irritates me even before we have gone away.

How long does it take to reply to a text?

Satsunday, it sounds like you just have very different approaches to texts while on holiday, and both are equally valid. I'm on holiday at the moment and have had quite a few texts from eg friends, quite chatty stuff. I see it as pretty normal behaviour but then I don't mind others contacting me while on holiday.

You obviously feel differently and the real issue is that you've communicated that to your MIL and she's ignored it. But it's six of one, half a dozen of the other really. You think she's being U for contacting you while you're away, and chances are she thinks you/your DH are being U by telling her when she can and cannot contact her son.

In your shoes, I think I'd try to let it wash over you. It's a few texts. She's not there with you, she's not calling. Make a joke of it - 'it's your mum's daily text, must be time to get dressed!' - give a quick standard response 'nice here, going out for the day so no phone reception, talk when we get home' and you're done within a minute. Then put the phone on mute so it's not bothering you throughout the day.

Ok thanks jassy and private I guess it's just different views about what's acceptable when someone's on holiday. I wouldn't text someone while they were away except in an emergency but sounds like others do. Also she ignores the request not to so what's the point. Will focus on the bigger stuff (of which there is lots!).

I feel the MIL pain too. I've insisted they stay 10 days instead of 7 later this year as we see them once a year when we visit them, and they've not been here for 5 years

I will hate every minute of it.

But I'm doing it for DH. They're his parents. I draw the line at SIL though, and thankfully so does he

What we are useful for is looking after your kids and giving you dosh

@Polyglot - who, apart from yourself and @HeeHighls, has said anything like this, on this thread?

And how do you justify the behaviour of MILs who rearrange their DILs' kitchen cupboards without even asking permission? Or those who deliberately feed their baby grandchild whole grapes after their DIL has asked them to cut up the grapes, because of the choking risk? Or the ones who give allergic grandchildren food they are allergic to? Or who won't listen to their DIL about how to handle the meltdowns of their grandchild with ASD?

SDTG, they seem to think any comment about mils is aimed at them. It's quite interesting. Do they also think any negative comment about someone's DH on a relationship therefore applies to all DHs. Do other DHs go on those threads proclaiming "we can't win". I doubt it. Seems a topic about difficulties with MIL relationships gets read by some as applying to every single MIL in existence, and how dare we comment negatively about our MILs. Despite the fact that all our comments have been backed up with concrete examples.

My mil is determined to turn me it a 1950s housewife whose sole reason for living is to care for her son.
She also believes that her way is the only way and after being the queen of passive aggression to get her point across she turns into a screaming banshee.
She's also a neurotic self obsessed hypochondriac with mania for having to play the victim at all costs.

I go out of my way NOT to see her.

....or ignore your requests not to book 3 month visits without asking, takes your child to a doctor behind your back, feeds them a bottle without asking at 3 days old..when you're trying to get bf established!
Tries to persuade you to visit their extended relatives friends and family on 3 or 4 hour car journeys..when dc is newly born and you're still sitting on a ring and want them out of your face! ...and then tries to secretly persuade your other dc to get them to say they want to go!
Assumes on our first holiday ever together as a new family..that they are invited too..
Then throws a disgruntled strop when excuse explained that they are not!
The list is endless...I've barely just begun. And yes...MILs like this are a flipping nightmare.
To those who think we are all just money grabbing moaners with MILs who are really angels in disguise..I wish you one of your own one day

And we have never asked for money or for help with our DCs.

I used to feel I had a very good relationship with my inlaws.

Then FIL died, and I realised that he was the one I'd had the good relationship with. MIL is lonely, I get that, but she's also trying very hard to recreate her former nuclear family out of mine.

And it doesn't work. We don't have the two high-achieving, anxious boys that she raised as her major life-project. We have one disabled son, one merry under-achiever who loves his life, and a daughter. We have two jobs and a houseful of animals and pet hair.

Her chief crime is to talk about disabled DS in front of him as if he's either profoundly deaf or still two :
'Bit more expression in our voice today, don't you think?'
'He hasn't eaten very much, shall I make him sit down again?'
'Oh we are looking quite thin and peaky today, doesn't mum worry about that?'
'We're not holding that knife properly. People always congratulated me on my boys' table manners...'*
'Not answering me, is that because I said something? I know it's not my place to comment, oh no, Nanna's place is in the wrong, I wouldn't have let mine be so rude but I know things are different these days.'

DS is bloody twenty, and although he has ASD and a raft of mental health problems, he tries very hard to hold it together in front of her.

• And DD nearly started WWIII by replying to that with 'My mum says that good manners mean making other people feel comfortable rather than criticising them all the time.'

Taleoftwokitties...we have had the exact same scenario. FIL was a great moderator and diplomat. Without him she sounds just like yours. We too have a child with health issues..and the comments are surreal. Don't we think we should be doing this or that?? Or don't we think we should be living in a warmer climate (i.e. near to her??) You have my every sympathy

Cannot wait until the massive amount of MIL haters on MN become MIL themselves

This attitude seems to assume that everyone has to put up with overbearing MIL behaviour, in readiness for the time when they themselves become MILs and will expect to behave how they like and take offence if anyone objects.

Instead, how about we take note of the kind of overbearing behaviour that drives us mad, then if/when we become MILs resolve not to do it?

It's not that hard to ask how you can help and listen to the answer. Refrain rom critical remarks. Show some basic respect for others and their property and not interfere with or rearrange their home. Ask politely before you visit and don't raise hell if they say it's not a good time. Respect their childrearing strategies and don't diss their parenting to their kids.

I'm aiming for this myself because I don't want to be a royal PITA. I'd rather try to have a good MIL-DIL relationship by behaving well than by deferring to my MIL now then demanding my rights as MIL when my time comes.

My MIL forgets her grandchildren aren't her own children as well. It is frustrating as to be perfectly frank all her children have issues with food, suffer from social anxiety, are snobby, and unable to form relationships yet think they are somehow superior to others. They hav