MiL has been here 60mins...

[whatatod0]

Oh god. parents-in-law have been here 1 hour into a 7 day visit. They are already annoying me.
MIL likes to help/take over my kitchen and she doesn't listen when I tell her to go and sit down (nicely). If I give her a job to do she just gets in my way and takes forever to do it.
I want to run away for the week.

I helped myself liberally to the sherry when in-laws came for Christmas. Dropped Turkey on floor but they were all in other room (also supping -but less - sherry, and no-one ever knew. Dog was pleased to lick up overspill, though.

aliceklar what a lovely post and it sums it up perfectly. We moved abroad, we love seeing our family and made sure we (just about) have room to accommodate them. Fortunately all our visitors are very well intentioned and help however they can but with the best will in the world the whole situation causes some stress (is the house clean enough, are they comfortable and enjoying themselves) and they all get annoying after a while. I wouldn't change it though.

I am in the very fortunate position I get on very well with my MiL; my Mother however is a crazed loon.

My parents are currently staying with us as I'm imminently due DC2 and DH works away Mon-Fri. I love my parents to bits but my god they start to drive me insane after a few days - we're currently on day 6 and DC is showing no signs of shifting!

It's the little things like my mum insisting on giving a running commentary on everything that's happening from what's on tv to what the cat is up to. Plus there are her religious beliefs (she's a JW) which means she tuts disapprovingly at anything on tv that shows swearing or references to sex

Add in to this that they are not the most outgoing of people - they won't go off for the day anywhere alone, even when they're not watching me like I'm going to drop this baby at any second.

They've been a great help in entertaining DD and doing things like cooking meals and tidying up, but I would love to have a few hours in the house by myself to watch trashy tv and eat my body weight in chocolate!

Hee

That would be sooooo nice if my mother would ask this question. It's simple really. Be pleasant, bright and breezy. Don't bring a black cloud and leave a dark mood to descend on us. Listen and converse instead of talking at at us. Don't expect your daughter or daughter in law to have the same opinions or thoughts as you. Appreciate some of us are not all extroverted and need to spend time alone to recharge our batteries so take yourself to another room for a while. Offer to help out and try to understand we are all individuals and struggling. Try to fit into the family, not expect the family to fit around you. Be aware of others needs and Feelings.

All of this works both ways of course.

My mother has a determined attitude that she is my elder and better, talks down to me and shushes me when she decides she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. She constantly complains and bitches and compares me unfavourably against others. She has an opinion on everything, constantly lectures and is thoroughly exhausting. I have so much love to give and she sucks me dry.

My mil has been dead a long time. She only stopped talking when she slept. She was a lovely lady. But rather intense. I don't think I'd be able to be around her a great deal either because of her propensity for talking but not for the same reasons as my difficulty to be around my mother. I have ME and cannot be around exhausting people.

It's really sad people have such a poor understanding of the affect they have on others.

Cannot wait until the massive amount of MIL haters on MN become MIL themselves.

I don't think most people here their mil falange. I certainly don't. I think people vent on MN and so it catches all the negative stuff.

The word hate is the one missing.....

I'll be a great MIL because I'll keep out of the way,I won't expect to spend days on end with my adult DC and they're familys,I'll help when they want me to and fuck off when they've had enough of me

I know what it's like to have lovely MIL's and one of them was very ill and I helped look after her and I know what it's like to have a MIL who wishes you dead(yes really)and all because her son loved me.So I hope that I've learned alot from all of those experiences.

That's how I parent my teenagers,I remember what it was like to be a teen(I fucking hated it)and that seems to really help with parenting them and
I know what it's like to be a DIL so I'll make sure I keep that in mind when and if I ever become a Mil.

Very true. We may all be mother in laws one day too. And anyone who has in laws who are supportive and interested in their children should count themselves lucky. It's not everyone's experience.

@falange - a thread like this will always appear biased against MILs, because it is about unacceptable behaviour by MILs - it is a self-selecting bias. People with perfectly good relationships with their MILs are very unlikely to post on a thread like this.

In general, people are more likely to need to vent about relationships that are not going well than to enthuse about ones at are, which can lead to an impression of negativity. For example, if you read the Relationships board, you might be left with the impression that no-one gets on with their families, all dhs are abusive and should be left, and no-one gets on with anyone - but that would not be the reality.

Cannot wait until the massive amount of MIL haters on MN become MIL themselves me neither, as those of us who have experienced challenges with our mils will know exactly how not to behave.

Sigh

My MIL seems to have found the perfect balance. She's around whenever she's needed. She's developed interests that mean she has an individual relationship with each child (she and DS2 are fencing tonight lol). She'll offer advice/suggestions if we are struggling, but is never bothered if we don't take it. She respects how we parent even if she doesn't agree and mostly she seems to like me more than DH, but that's ok because my grandparents (who brought me up) adored DH!

A lot of people would find our relationship too much - I've seen her every day recently as she is adjusting to FIL being in a care home, but she fits into our little family. She's not an extra like many mils are, if that makes sense?

PresSed send too soon. DH on the other hand could have played mil/film bingo had he ever had the unfortunate luck to know my parents.

They'd have been hideous.

Oh good grief. I just survived an Attack of the MIL (for five days, mercifully - not as long as your seven) and suddenly found myself extremely busy with things to do out of the house/at work all week. Thank god I had somewhere to escape to. She drove me quite batty enough in the evenings though. Just one example out of thousands: she is obsessively convinced that our dishwasher is The Devil, that it's slow, expensive, wasteful, and unhygienic, and that she can wash up faster, better, and more efficiently than it can. I put it on one evening but, because of her insanely expansive and messy cooking style, I couldn't get half the stuff in. (She has to cook for us all when she's here. I'd rather she didn't but when we cook for her, she picks over her food like it's poison, criticises everything on her plate, leaves 95% of it, and then makes herself her own meal afterwards anyway.) I told her to leave the leftover stuff as it could all just go in afterwards. But no. She must prove DEFEAT THE DEVIL MACHINE. She pretty much barged me aside the second I'd snapped the door shut, and got into an actual race with the dishwasher, trying to wash up the rest of the stuff before it finished. The trouble is, she leaves the hot tap running at pretty high speed into the sink whilst she washes so that she can rinse the soap off everything before it goes on the draining rack. Forty minutes later, she triumphantly switches said hot tap off (oh goodie, can't wait for my gas and water bill this month) and announces that she has shown me how much better handwashing is. What she didn't realise it that it was on a thirty minute energy saving cycle for the very lightly messy stuff and she hadn't recognised the beep it makes when it finishes, so she had in fact lost the race ten minutes earlier. Also because she was in such a rush trying to scrub all the truly manky, crusty, burnt-on pots and pans as fast as she could, half her stuff still had shit stuck all over it, so it ended up aaalll going in the dishwasher anyway after she'd gone to bed. (I did get it out again before she got up the next morning. She annoys me to the point of distraction but I'm not that mean-spirited. And I'm sure she was very smug about how sparkly clean her washing up was in the light of morning. )

Anyway, point being, I feel your pain. So, so much.

falange Why is it so difficult to believe that people, when pushed suddenly into a close relationships with strangers might struggle to navigate that relationship easily? Especially if one feels that they are more "senior", and the other has no such inclination to play "junior"? Add in issues such as either side feeling as though their relationship with the son/husband is being encroached on by the other, and a general societal expectation that women are supposed to "manage" the family relationships - the cards, parties, get togethers, whatever - and there are countless opportunities for things to just go wrong.

For the record, I have written extensive notes to my future self on how not to be a MIL based on my own experiences. I hope it serves me well.

My MIL looks after DS two days a week in my home, which I'm so grateful for. She's a lovely and I genuinely love her.
What I don't love though is that she regularly rearranges all my kitchen cupboards without telling me, replaces things in my home like towels/ bedding/draining boards with 'better' ones without telling me, and goes into our bedroom and 'tidies' it! Nightmare!

Too right meggysc81, it really is narrow minded and trite to condemn those who have less positive experiences, as being nothing more than complaining haters.
I agree with ontheholidays sentiments, yes one day soon I shall no doubt be an MIL myself, and just as my own dear late mother was a fantastic MIL, who didn't have expectations beyond her selfless own, I hope to one day have the positive respectful relationship she had with my SIL. She did not invite herself into their home, their holidays or their children's births, or offer opinions that were not asked, or comment on their parenting or frequency and extent of family interactions, and how they should do more to make her feel wanted. Because she was selfless and kind, not needy and bitter.
My first MIL and I had very little in common, but we got along just fine, because she too was respectful and kind and expected nothing more than the respect we had in turn.
We never had a cross word between us once. There are indeed many positive scenarios out there, but where there are negative scenarios by comparison, life can be very difficult indeed.

Hee: You young women and I say women as likely your DPs don't notice, should tell us mothers and mils how you want us to be.

Tried that three years ago when DS was born. Made a clear transition from DIL to being a mother in my own right and explained to my MIL what I expected from her as DS's GM.

Oh.

My.

God.

Three years later we are just about back on something like talking terms.

Next solution?

I wish my ml was like that. I would give anything to see her again annoying habits and all. But she died when my son was 3.
Yours is trying to fit in. Let her get on with it and thank yourself lucky.

ForTheSake "Why is it so difficult to believe that people, when pushed suddenly into a close relationships with strangers might struggle to navigate that relationship easily?"

Yes, this. I wouldn't like my MIL if I saw her in a TV drama. I don't like the mental damage she inflicted on a little boy many years ago that he and I now have to live with. My PIL are monumentally self-obsessed people who have three grandchildren, all our DCs. Two of them never want to talk to them because they don't like being treated like crap. The third my PILs are embarrassed about because she is SEN. Thankfully she isn't mentally capable of knowing anything beyond that she doesn't like them! They hate me and I say that with no sense of drama. They believe I'm going to take all his money. All what money?!?!

Why, even on Mumsnet, can it not be that our MILs just aren't very nice people every so often?

Careful what you wish for, Jeanne. Mine is "helpful". I wouldn't wish her "help" on anyone.

My mil drives me insane-
I say ( when my 6 month old is just starting solids ) " no im just giving her puréed fruit / veg " she says
" can she have chocolate buttons "
I say "no id rather not as she only 6 months"
She totally ignores me and I find chocolate in her high chair!
This is just an example btw ..... when shes here , it it constant
I have tried and tried but she's a tough woman - I will really try to be a good mil when i become one . X good luck op - I feel you pain lol

mummy Oh god, yes. The "Can I X?" "No." thing. And she wonders why I don't trust her.

Perfect example last week:
"Can I give him grapes?"
"Sure, if you slice them up first."

"But this way he won't learn to eat them properly."
"Did you know that choking to death is one of the leading causes of accidental death in children in the UK? And grapes are one of the most common things for children to choke on?"
"You're overreacting. I never sliced up grapes for my kids and they're fine."