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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MiL has been here 60mins...

279 replies

whatatod0 · 04/04/2017 15:27

Oh god. parents-in-law have been here 1 hour into a 7 day visit. They are already annoying me.
MIL likes to help/take over my kitchen and she doesn't listen when I tell her to go and sit down (nicely). If I give her a job to do she just gets in my way and takes forever to do it.
I want to run away for the week.

OP posts:
Gowgirl · 07/04/2017 07:45

Mine is generally lovely, last visit though she spent the whole time holed up in my bedroom with sister in law (new baby/ living here nightmare) and only emerged to lecture me on the evils of alcohol! Dh was a star poured me a nice glass of bubbly shoved a violent film on and amused the kids while I was pissed off Grin

Jux · 07/04/2017 09:34

I must admit when mil was at her worst and I tearing my hair out, crushed by her and just wanted to run away, it had only got that bad because I had no one to laugh about her with.

Threads like these would have been absolutely invaluable to me back then (didn't get on to MN until about 5 years later). Things would never have got to the awful point that they did if I'd been able to recount my miseries and have a laugh about it with people who knew exactly the sort of thing I was talking about.

Instead of complaining about mil bashing, derxa, these sort of threads help keep the relationship between dil and mil on a civil level. You should be grateful for that.

brianna5 · 07/04/2017 12:12

I would be happy to have my mil stay for as long as she wants. Well hopefully she won't have any plans to move inGrin

I will treat my mother the same as my mil even if she can be a hand full sometimes. That's life I don't get along with everyone I have to interact with but I do and suck it up.

That's life! She has equal rights in my home and with my kids just like my mum.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/04/2017 12:41

@goingonabearhunt1 - I thought I would have to face lots of criticism from my mum for having a dishwasher - I was sure she would tell me what a waste it was, when washing up by hand is so easy - but she surprised me by saying how glad she was that we had a dishwasher, so she didn't have to feel obliged to offer to help with the washing up!

It's one of the few times I have ever felt real approval from her!

missyB1 · 07/04/2017 16:18

I'm currently having an absolute nightmare with my in laws we are now on day 6 of their 14 day stay. I was in tears yesterday (overheard them bitching about me), and in tears again this afternoon when Fil flooded my kitchen apparently "fixing" something under my sink that didn't need fixing at all!! Honestly he was just fucking around because he was bored! Now we are waiting for an emergency plumber and I've had to turn off the water supply Angry
I have another week of this torture until they fly back to South Africa.
Oh and DH says I'm over reacting and being a drama queen! Yeah let's see how he feels after he's paid the emergency plumber!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2017 17:13

missy

Can you get dh to ask fil to foot the bill?

missyB1 · 07/04/2017 18:06

Mummy I doubt very much he would as we paid for their flights here and have had to pay for everything for them whilst they are staying, they won't so much as buy a pint of milk or loaf of bread. They've got it into their heads that it's our duty to "treat" them on their holiday.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2017 18:14

Missy. You could start your own thread with that alone!

brianna5 · 07/04/2017 19:19

Missy! Sorry to hear. Hope it gets better Flowers

QueenOlivine · 07/04/2017 19:24

My FIL decided to trim our hedge and proceeded to cut the electric cable in half with the trimmer :o

MadisonAvenue · 07/04/2017 20:41

Flowers for Missy!

My MIL left yesterday morning to visit elsewhere, today has been lovely but there's the nagging thought that she's back tomorrow (Saturday) lunchtime until Wednesday. My husband's apologised several times and is taking Tuesday off so that she's not totally left to me to deal with. After just a couple of hours with her after she arrived on Wednesday he said what hard work she is.

missyB1 · 07/04/2017 21:17

Thanks folks, the plumber has fixed the leak so at least that's sorted! I'm sincerely hoping Fil has learnt a lesson. I've warned DH that if it gets worse I will pack a suitcase and take ds with me to my sister's.

FlyingSquid · 08/04/2017 14:34

MIL cut down and 'weeded out' te clematis I'd spent ages encouraging to grow up a trellis.

Mind you, my own parents took it on themselves to saw back several branches of our tree so that they could get their camper van on the drive.

The tree didn't overhang the drive, but 'your dad wanted plenty of room to manoeuvre'.

MadisonAvenue · 08/04/2017 14:40

Mine's back and now we're on the long stretch of her visit, until Wednesday. She's been back here an hour and I've already had enough of her moaning about, well, everything.

I've got to go out this afternoon, something that was arranged before she invited herself, but my husband's had to go into work and I feel guilty leaving our 16 year old to deal with her.

Winniethepooer · 08/04/2017 14:48

My mother hasn't visited us in 9 years. I stopped inviting her after about 5 years.

My MIL passed away just over 3 years ago.

I'm now a mil & get on with my dil but would never tell her what to do or even give advice unless asked.

happypoobum · 08/04/2017 14:55

Those of you who have house guests for longer than two days - why do you do it?

It really only works if you get along famously.

derxa · 08/04/2017 16:18

WHy are you on this thread derxa? To bash at people bashing their mils? Well my MIL's pithy remarks would send most of you running for the hills. Visits to her used to make me squirm. But I understand why she is the way she is. She had a very difficult upbringing. And mainly she's my DH's mother and my DC's grandmother. She has confided in me with information about her family that she's never told DH.

gotthemoononastick · 08/04/2017 16:56

ON the other hand,I am an ancient Mil with every mod.con. you could imagine.Luuuve the dishwasher and microwave oven.

I get seriously bullied and bashed by Grass Green Ddils and Dds for being a massive 'consumerist'.

Horses for courses.

Op, just meditate with wine.

Brighteyes27 · 08/04/2017 16:57

Happypoobum - I have my MIL's visiting for 10 days!!! The visit has been dictated to us. It will be hard going but I am planning on a visit to the hairdressers, taking the dog on twice as many extra long walks, maybe arrange a couple of girls nights out and will be getting plenty of wine in. I have cancelled a days leave nand I will do whatever else it takes to get me through it (I just haven't finalized all my plans and tactics yet).

Brighteyes27 · 08/04/2017 16:58

Meant MIL not mil's

Catrina1234 · 08/04/2017 17:15

Haven't read the 10 pages - and I know MILs get a bashing on here. I am a MIL but also a mother (obviously) partner grandmother. aunt, sister, cousin, friend etc. I think sometimes it's easy just to see a woman as a MIL when she's so many other things. I think the thing that would get me about the MIL on this thread is the non stop talking. Ironically my DIL's mother does this and I have found a way of ignoring her without being rude. I simply don't give her any eye contact - maybe try it OP - it's difficult to talk to someone who isn't giving you eye contact.

MILs get slated for helping too much/not helping enough/giving the kids sweets and presents/not bringing anything for the kids etc etc etc. I just think it's sad that this age old problem is still alive and well - and it is a 2 way street you know - DILs can be difficult too, and make visiting uncomfortable.

I had a MIL who wasn't my sort of woman but she was kind and I never fell out with her - FIL was another matter - a domineering type but again I kept my mouth shut. I supported my MIL as she got old and frail and my adult kids and some of the grandchildren have very happy memories of their grandparents and that has to count for something.

I do think some of you DILs don't seem to understand that the children have a right to form a relationship with their grandparents, regardless of whether they have irritating habits.

JassyRadlett · 08/04/2017 18:52

I do think some of you DILs don't seem to understand that the children have a right to form a relationship with their grandparents, regardless of whether they have irritating habits.

In the gentlest possible way, no, they don't. I think that in most cases, relationships with grandparents is positive for children, but that's not universal, and it is (as in most things) the parent's responsibility to decide what's in the best interest of their children.

What gets me on these threads is that the vast majority of those accused of 'bashing' are facilitating and encouraging relationships despite sometimes finding it difficult, and using MN to vent about the difficulty. And they are met with broad brush generalisations and accused m, even obliquely, of trying to prevent positive relationships and shun their parents in law.

For the most part, this thread is made up of women who are hosting their MILs for visits of significant length, which can be a frustrating and mixed experience even when it's your closest friends. I'm not sure what that is if it isn't being willing to put themselves out for their partners' families.

Chippednailvarnishing · 08/04/2017 18:58

I do think some of you DILs don't seem to understand that the children have a right to form a relationship with their grandparents, regardless of whether they have irritating habits

Rubbish. Grandparents who choose to treat a child's parent badly clearly don't have anyone elses interests in mind.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 08/04/2017 19:31

I do think some of you DILs don't seem to understand that the children have a right to form a relationship with their grandparents, regardless of whether they have irritating habits.

No. They don't. Of the three living grandparents that have a blood relation to my DC, one is an extremely damaging and problematic person with a serious drink problem, a history of abuse, and a higher regard for money than their own children's live. Another has a history of paedophilia. The third is the only one I will let near my children and I work very hard to facilitate her relationship with my DC even if her relationship with me is excruciating at times. What would you think of me if I let them near either of the other two? And if this third grandparent suddenly turned out to have some awful skeleton in the closet, what would you think if I continued to allow her access? It would be what a terrible parent I am. You think MILs can't win? Remember the same feeling when you were a mother and everything you did was wrong then too?

Semaphorically · 08/04/2017 19:36

I do think some of you DILs don't seem to understand that the children have a right to form a relationship with their grandparents, regardless of whether they have irritating habits

What does that have to do with a MIL/DIL relationship? Surely if your relationship with your DIL was so bad that you never saw her you would still see your grandchildren via your son? Or do you believe it's a woman's job to manage family relationships?