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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel in an impossible position

120 replies

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 07:17

I feel that whatever I do will be wrong. Please don't just shout at me I must leave, it's never that simple.

My husband has always been a bit pig headed, his way or the highway sort of thing, once this didn't matter because I was a lot younger. But as we got married and had our own family I've come to realise I get no real say in anything, don't get to make any mportant decisions. But he says I do. For example when we moved here he decided we were moving because of his job. But then we looked at houses I liked this one he said 'well it's the top of our budget but if you like it' then he says 'well you decided to live here' but I didn't.

Anyway he's been talking about moving abroad since forever and I've always been reluctant. I really don't pick up on languages easily and plus I've spent most of my life feeling like the odd one out. Moved primary schools after year 1 moved secondary schools after year 9 then went to college for a year, dropped out, back to another college. Fitting in or feeling like I do is VERY important to me. I don't even like people commenting on how I speak as I feel like they're saying I'm not one of them. So going abroad with a different language and culture is a nightmare for me. He knows this.

So anyway he rang me a while back and announced he had an amazing surprise, came back with a bottle and said he had a new job, not abroad but 300 miles away. This is his compromise. We will stay in this country but move so far.

I have a job here and some friends I do love our house, we have pets (we'd be renting in the new place) I just went out and walked and walked and walked.

If he'd talked it over properly with me I'd be fine with it i think but all I can see is this future where he does what he wants and I get carted along with it regardless.

The problem is we have 2 very young children. I have no one to help. I find it difficult enough on days when I'm not at work as it is. No money. Even if we split everything I'd still be left without basic things. Lonely lonely empty life. To be honest if I think about leaving I feel like I'd rather die. I know that sounds extreme but I remember how my life was before I met him and how awful it was. I can never go back there. But I'd be going back with 2 young children. Worse.

But I feel like I'm just carted around blamed for stuff I did not do have anything I might do used against me.

I am in an impossible position. If I stay I am a posession if I leave I am miserable anyway.

I know there's nothing anyone can say. But I've no one I can talk to and I've been up since 4 with stuff running through my head.

OP posts:

Jux · 04/04/2017 15:21

How old are your children?
Are they in school?
Does he worry about disrupting their education, their friendships? (if not, why not!)
What are his long term plans for his children's educations? Are your thoughts included in this?

As he's going to be on more money, I'm sure he could rent a bedsit in the outskirts of London and return home at weekends, thus minimising disruption to you and his children. What has he said about this compromise?

Original poster

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 15:51

No they are preschool age. He wouldn't agree to that and neither would I tbh. Pointless having a marriage where you live apart. I'd just be being petty there's no reason for me NOT to go. But the point is I shouldn't be just expected to, take your phone, laptop, best shoes, and wife.

OP posts:

metalmum15 · 04/04/2017 16:24

I'm horrified that you say the worst thing about not being with this man is that you can't get your hair done /go to church /have time to yourself! ! Not, because I love him, because I would miss him, because we get on so well, because we're a team etc. Why are you even with him? ? Because any man is better than no man?? We're not in the 1950's any more. I have many single mum (and dad) friends who have survived, got through the loneliness and come out the other side stronger and better for it....and some with new partners a damn sight better than the original ones.

You obviously don't love this man. Don't subject yourself and your children to a life you don't have to live just because you can't get your hair done. Find yourself a good support network and start living the rest of your life.

Original poster

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 16:27

You don't understand, even slightly, I'm sorry for that. But don't say you are 'horrifed' by things you have no comprehension of.

OP posts:

ThePiglet59 · 04/04/2017 16:38

Why post on here and then ignore all the advice?
What do you want people to say/do?

Original poster

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 16:43

I haven't. I've agreed I'm being miserable and am going to London.

OP posts:

Iamastonished · 04/04/2017 16:46

You sound very downtrodden and resigned to your lot. There is much more to life than that.

I agree that your husband should have discussed his new job with you before even applying for it, but by now he is probably too used to you meekly agreeing with his decisions to take your opinions into consideration.

Original poster

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 16:54

Yeah, I think he is used to that, I need to address that with him.

OP posts:

Loubymoo27 · 04/04/2017 16:55

I'm sorry but I'm horrified too!!! A marriage is a partnership! You should be a team and you sound very down trodden and resigned to having a miserable life no matter what!!! Do you even love him or does he just tell you that you do and you just go along with it?? Sorry to sound harsh but you really need to pull your big girl pants up and realise you only get one life so you should try to be happy. If that means leaving him then so be it or it may mean moving and trying to be happy! I think the main issue is you sound like more of a possession rather than an equal! You have your own mind so use it!!

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 04/04/2017 16:55

I haven't. I've agreed I'm being miserable and am going to London.

That's not what people have advised. They have advised you speak up and challenge your husband. They have advised that you take control of your life and not drift through it in this fog of negativity and passivity.

You seem to see your life and your happiness as completely in other people's hands. You deny the choices you've made; you talk about your children like they just materialised somehow. You talk like you are a SAHM when in fact you work. Why is that?

What if you did something, anything, for yourself? Upped your hours at work. Took an evening class. Got a counsellor. Anything. You seem to want happiness and fulfilment to be given to you by someone else. But that never happens. You make your own happiness or you live in this passive unhappiness until it chokes you. You save yourself or you remain unsaved.

It is frustrating to read this because you don't seem willing to do anything. That obviously stems from your early life experiences in some way. You need help to unpick that, but you're brushing it off because not all counsellors are good. So? If you get a bad one, you can find another one.

You need to spend time with you.

metalmum15 · 04/04/2017 16:56

shelliecat I'm truly sorry I don't understand. I've read all your posts on here and you seem to be very confused and depressed. You seem to say one thing then another. If you really don't have any friends or family then I guess your only choice is to move and make the best of it for yourself and your children. I couldn't imagine being in that kind of relationship but I appreciate many people are.

Good luck.

Original poster

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 17:05

I thought it was obvious I loved him because I married him. I didn't explain that because I thought it didn't need explaining. All I do is get people angry and I just don't know why

OP posts:

metalmum15 · 04/04/2017 17:12

shellie sorry but because you never actually mentioned you loved him it came across as you actually didn't and are just with him because you didn't want to go back to your 'old life '. There are many people married to people they don't actually love unfortunately.

metalmum15 · 04/04/2017 17:12

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 04/04/2017 17:13

People aren't angry, shellie, not on this thread anyway. They are confused and frustrated, but that's not the same as being angry. The people that respond are doing so because they want better for you than this half-life of gnawing unhappiness.

I really think you need to find a counsellor or therapist and build a relationship with him or her as you, the real you - the confused you who barely knows who she is or what she wants. A good counsellor can help you with that, and they can avoid falling into the trap of making decisions for you that other people in your life can and will fall into. This isn't even about this move in particular, or about your husband. It's about you and your ability to make yourself happy.

metalmum15 · 04/04/2017 17:13

And I don't think people are angry 😉 They just want to advise you the best way they think they can.

Original poster

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 17:14

I'm not exactly unhappy. It's hard to explain. More it's uncomfortable when you realise your husband just hasn't properly 'seen' you.

OP posts:

Stormtreader · 04/04/2017 17:40

It doesnt surprise me that youre "not exactly unhappy", it sounds like you dont really have a clear sense of what you want or feel, or that you really exist as a whole separate person.

You dont want to stand up to your husband and say "this isnt what I want and its not OK for you to decide this without consulting me" because you dont really know what you want, any thoughts of what you personally want are drowned out by the much louder thoughts of wanting to feel safe by wanting whatever your husband wants.

Counselling would definitely help you start to find your own voice, if only for yourself.

FritzDonovan · 04/04/2017 21:54

All I do is get people angry and I just don't know why
Maybe this is the kind of passive comment ppl are responding to. As I said, I'm not trying to be harsh, but nearly every post reads as you demonstrating a 'victim' mentality. The most proactive and positive thing you have said is 'I need to address this with him' but you have shown no sign of thinking how/when to put this in motion. Unless you change your mind set, you will continue to act in the same way, as will your husband. Take some ownership of your life.

Jux · 06/04/2017 22:20

Shelliecat, I'm not sure that people get angry with you, I think it's probably more akin to frustration!

Can you imagine being the sort of person who simply says "dh, this is what I want"? I wonder if you have learnt not to want things? When your birthday comes and people ask you what you want, do you say "oh, nothing really/I don't know/ anything will be lovely"?

I realised some months ago that even ifI wanted a particular thing for my birthday I wouldn't get it, and that meant that I never got as far as actually wanting things. There were things I liked the look of, enjoyed the idea of having, but I'd stopped actually properly wanting anything - this, because my expectation of dh getting it for me were nil.

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