to feel in an impossible position

[shelliecat]

I feel that whatever I do will be wrong. Please don't just shout at me I must leave, it's never that simple.

My husband has always been a bit pig headed, his way or the highway sort of thing, once this didn't matter because I was a lot younger. But as we got married and had our own family I've come to realise I get no real say in anything, don't get to make any mportant decisions. But he says I do. For example when we moved here he decided we were moving because of his job. But then we looked at houses I liked this one he said 'well it's the top of our budget but if you like it' then he says 'well you decided to live here' but I didn't.

Anyway he's been talking about moving abroad since forever and I've always been reluctant. I really don't pick up on languages easily and plus I've spent most of my life feeling like the odd one out. Moved primary schools after year 1 moved secondary schools after year 9 then went to college for a year, dropped out, back to another college. Fitting in or feeling like I do is VERY important to me. I don't even like people commenting on how I speak as I feel like they're saying I'm not one of them. So going abroad with a different language and culture is a nightmare for me. He knows this.

So anyway he rang me a while back and announced he had an amazing surprise, came back with a bottle and said he had a new job, not abroad but 300 miles away. This is his compromise. We will stay in this country but move so far.

I have a job here and some friends I do love our house, we have pets (we'd be renting in the new place) I just went out and walked and walked and walked.

If he'd talked it over properly with me I'd be fine with it i think but all I can see is this future where he does what he wants and I get carted along with it regardless.

The problem is we have 2 very young children. I have no one to help. I find it difficult enough on days when I'm not at work as it is. No money. Even if we split everything I'd still be left without basic things. Lonely lonely empty life. To be honest if I think about leaving I feel like I'd rather die. I know that sounds extreme but I remember how my life was before I met him and how awful it was. I can never go back there. But I'd be going back with 2 young children. Worse.

But I feel like I'm just carted around blamed for stuff I did not do have anything I might do used against me.

I am in an impossible position. If I stay I am a posession if I leave I am miserable anyway.

I know there's nothing anyone can say. But I've no one I can talk to and I've been up since 4 with stuff running through my head.

How old are your kids?

Is your dh a dreamer or an ambitious realist? He's applies for a job and got it without consulting you and you don't have any desire to go. I would be going online and doing a check on how much you will be able to rent your property for and what you'd get in London and, crucially, where in London. If her hasn't done this and thoroughly you could end up in a real mess.

Factor in travel costs, childcare and all the extra expenses that living in the capital incur. Can you actually afford it? Plus children's activities and possible a year for you to settle and find that part time job that fits in with the children.

You may not feel up to facing up to him in a confrontational way but he must ( as must you) examine the bottom line. If you end up in a small flat in a part of London you hate you really could regret not being more assertive.

With all the best will you do sound depressed. Consider doing an online assessment on the NHS choices page?

Good luck.

I don't think your DH sounds at all controlling, OP. I think it's more likely that you've let him take the lead. And there's nothing wrong with that. But the picture being painted is one of you having decided you no longer wanting this dynamic and expecting you DH to know that. Cue plentiful 'controlling' comments by people whose agenda isn't necessarily to assist you but to fly their cliched flag.

Have you posted about your dh before, OP? There's something very familiar about your style of writing and the way you express yourself. And the way you suddenly declare that it doesn't matter.

I don't get you halsall? I said it doesn't matter as it doesn't matter, there's not much I can do. I know we won't be able to rent somewhere as nice as this house in London but he will be on more money and we'll have the income coming in in rent from this house.

"there's not much I can do". Yes there is. Tell him how you feel.

I have but he doesn't hear it and he doesn't really care. Just says I don't feel that.

How does he know what you feel? No-one knows exactly how anyone feels. He is being ridiculous.

Please try and arm yourself (verbally!) with the tools to counteract his arguments. Do the maths on where in London you might end up. Get some facts under your belt. You know him well enough to predict his response, so get yourself some phrases to demonstrate your position and counteract his. Don't let him rubbish you. Write them down beforehand if need be.

And just because you've spoken about this before to him doesn't mean you can't revisit the topic.

"I have but he doesn't hear it and he doesn't really care. Just says I don't feel that."

If you have always been the passive one in the relationship and he has always rode roughshod over you, it will be difficult for him to believe that you actually want to stand up to him over this. I think you need to gently but firmly stand your ground, and repeat ad infinitum "I am not moving to London" until he listens to you.

I know but I mean he tells you that you don't feel that. Hard to explain but like how he does with the house, changes it so you wanted to move.

It's really difficult for people to try and help when you have such a defeatist attitude

Your DH is controlling & abusive, you must know that?

But Red if I can't be honest about how i feel, what's the point of posting at all?

Sounds like the op has been a square peg trying to fit in to a round hole, she's so used to it, she is actively participating in people bashing her on the head to make her fit.

Lovely, I get the sense that you have no idea who you really are, everything seems strange and a strain on you. You list nothing you have done by your own choice or hand, I wonder if it's easier for you to go with the consensus, than make a choice of your own.

It's hard reading when you think that others might judge you as shit, I can't help but imagine that this has been a pattern for you since you were little.

It's a shame you think that counselling won't help, but possibly there's a part of you that doesn't want your own autonomy, maybe it's easier to be told what you want all the time. The thing is though, it seems the spark that doesn't want that and wants to be free, is causing you some problems.
Ignore it at your peril op, this is what the panic attacks and anxiety are trying to tell you.

You don't want to go through all the shit that you had to go through in the last move again. What happens after that? He'll decide he wants a different job and you'll have to move again with no consultation again. It's not on. You're not a parcel he can just pick up and plonk down somewhere else whenever the fancy takes him.

So, you need to tell him. Don't accept what he says as truth, it isn't. Maybe writing down how it is and was from your point of view and holding on to that piece of paper while you talk to him would help? Or maybe just write it down and give him the paper?

HAve you now decided that you will just be the obedient wife and go along with him? No? Right, armed with your piece of paper initiate the talk. When he talks over you telling you how it was, try to not listen but concentrate on what you'regoing to say, then say "No, that's not hiw it was to me. This is how it was for me." and then tell him; and when he tells you that you chose to move to London because the alternative was moving abroad, do the same, wait for him to wind down from his little lecture about how you feel and then say "no, there was no choice, no alternative, no discussion. If there had been you would know I want to stay here.". Keep doing that until he hears you.

You say that leaving would mean 'a lonely, lonely life' but isn't living this way with your pig-headed husband also a lonely and sad way to live? I feel very sorry for you indeed.

His lack of communication seems to be a huge problem and would end many a marriage. I think that big talk is in order.

Your DH sounds like a bully so stop being a doormat.

"Why didn't you talk this over with me first?" would be a strong starting point.

I do think that compromise is important in a relationship. Sometimes you have to try what your partner wants and sometimes your partner has to try what you want.

I supported my husband when he started a business. It sadly failed but hey, we tried. He supported me when I wanted to get a postgrad qualification. I supported him when twice his work wanted to send him elsewhere for months at a time - once abroad and once to the other end of the country.

But when they wanted to send him abroad again and I really didn't want him to go, he listened. We were just starting the process of becoming foster carers. We had no birth children (no known reason but he wouldn't get medical advice about it and I accepted that) and he knew how important having a family was to me. Him being away for months would mean the process would have to stop just when we were getting started. It was time for my wants to be prioritised over his. He accepted that and has never mentioned the opportunity he missed again.

If there's never any compromise, if one person always ends up doing what the other wants, then that's not an equal partnership. Personally I would find it very hard to live like that though others might be able to.

shelliecat. I feel for you. I think I understand a lot of what you are saying. I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I think a good counsellor might help (and yes I read a bit of that counsellor thread too).

Feeling passive is destructive, but it's also a sort of protection from having to take responsibility. I'm not sure how it is tackled though. Anyhow, I just wanted to say I can feel your sadness, and I'm sorry. Take care of yourself. xx

Do you have no family apart from your husband? That would explain why you feel you have no choice, if he's all of your security. But it's not fair what he's doing, it really isn't.

I think what the other poster said about London prices is really important, it takes a huge salary to live there in any kind of comfort. Are you in that position? You're in your supposed dream house right now, the swap might be a bad one when you've got a family. It would be for us and my husband is a relatively high earner.

I think you've got to find a bit of fight on this one. London is not for everyone, it'd be my idea of a nightmare, and I know people who love it who live there. They have a lot of money! And a £1.3 million four bedroom terraced house in a nice area with a postage stamp garden. If you're in a position to buy a £1.3 m house then it might be ok. But most can't!

Agree with heteronormarovehaybaled

Thanks for your thoughts. He (and the children) are all I have. So I do feel that i need to stay.

He earns quite a lot we can live in London. Not in the richest area or anything but we can live.

Well that's good. Might I suggest that since you are resigned to moving you get really involved in where you want to live, what it is you want from the area and what sort of property you want to live in?

You are making a big sacrifice in moving so you should have a big chunk of the say in where you go. Do heaps of research on different areas and schools etc. Also consider that your own house may have rental voids, high costs associated with rental management and also the income will be taxable so you cannot rely on the income to pay your London rent even if it were likely to cover the cost.

Good luck, London is a fabulous place to live and SW London is especially excellent .

Well he's not going to change, is he?
If you won't leave then you ARE stuck there.
Those seem to be the only choices that you have.

You know that you have to leave him and make a life for yourself.
It doesn't have to be awful.

I can't leave.

OP, do you feel like he twists everything around so that its made to feel like your fault? x

OP you sound so much like me. I'm not a GP but have spent a lot of time with them. You sound depressed and that's a shitty place to be. Can you afford a private psychiatrist?

I know how bleak it can feel and I don't have the answer but I do know that you can't let someone dictate your life.

It's your life. You only get one shot. I speak as someone in a similar dilemma and I wish I could take my own advice.

Pm me if it would help. I'm getting on the right track and taking back control bit by bit. It's not easy, but it is possible. It really is, even in the darkest moments.

It does not need to mean LTB (sorry mumsnet) but you need to be honest and not just go along with things. Bringing up two children is more than a full time job.

I hope the empathy and support you get here will make you see things more clearly.

Do you think he is posting on a parenting forum asking for advice? I suspect not.

My heart goes out to you. X