to feel in an impossible position

[shelliecat]

I feel that whatever I do will be wrong. Please don't just shout at me I must leave, it's never that simple.

My husband has always been a bit pig headed, his way or the highway sort of thing, once this didn't matter because I was a lot younger. But as we got married and had our own family I've come to realise I get no real say in anything, don't get to make any mportant decisions. But he says I do. For example when we moved here he decided we were moving because of his job. But then we looked at houses I liked this one he said 'well it's the top of our budget but if you like it' then he says 'well you decided to live here' but I didn't.

Anyway he's been talking about moving abroad since forever and I've always been reluctant. I really don't pick up on languages easily and plus I've spent most of my life feeling like the odd one out. Moved primary schools after year 1 moved secondary schools after year 9 then went to college for a year, dropped out, back to another college. Fitting in or feeling like I do is VERY important to me. I don't even like people commenting on how I speak as I feel like they're saying I'm not one of them. So going abroad with a different language and culture is a nightmare for me. He knows this.

So anyway he rang me a while back and announced he had an amazing surprise, came back with a bottle and said he had a new job, not abroad but 300 miles away. This is his compromise. We will stay in this country but move so far.

I have a job here and some friends I do love our house, we have pets (we'd be renting in the new place) I just went out and walked and walked and walked.

If he'd talked it over properly with me I'd be fine with it i think but all I can see is this future where he does what he wants and I get carted along with it regardless.

The problem is we have 2 very young children. I have no one to help. I find it difficult enough on days when I'm not at work as it is. No money. Even if we split everything I'd still be left without basic things. Lonely lonely empty life. To be honest if I think about leaving I feel like I'd rather die. I know that sounds extreme but I remember how my life was before I met him and how awful it was. I can never go back there. But I'd be going back with 2 young children. Worse.

But I feel like I'm just carted around blamed for stuff I did not do have anything I might do used against me.

I am in an impossible position. If I stay I am a posession if I leave I am miserable anyway.

I know there's nothing anyone can say. But I've no one I can talk to and I've been up since 4 with stuff running through my head.

Not exactly a solution. I mean you know when thngs are going round and round in your head ? I did email smaritans but i think i needed someone to talk TO.

I know Kida it's me who reaised that.

no, it's ok.

so, whats good to do in london then? :)

I just didn't know if I was being unreasonable or not but it helps to talk about it and realise it is me beng unfair and unreasonable I shouldn't keep holding him back

This is not what anyone is saying (unless I missed a bit). It is you turning our advice into him being right because it suits you. You have options here. This is your life and it seems to me you're at a crossroads and you either choose to take control or carry on letting life (note: I am NOT saying your DH here, I'm saying life) control you. Yes, it's scary. Do you want to do it? No. That much is obvious. But you can do it and you may well be surprised.

I've got as far as "you don't like me on here". I do like you op. I see some of myself in you too (although none of your dh in mine). I have to fight for my self confidence too, but I do fight.

Going back to where you said about your house, "well, you decided to live here," that implies that you have said subsequently that you don't like it after initially saying you did.

I think you need to be really honest. Are you a moaner? And do you like your dh? Actually like him? Because it sounds as if he is a decent enough provider, and got you out of a hole, but that's where it ends.

I can kind of relate to you because I often wish I'd taken the left/right fork instead, gone along with things etc, but that's my own fault . Dh often gets cross that I allow him to take a decision and then chunter about it having been wrong. The house is a good example because I did exactly that! I said I liked our house and then changed my mind on the way we moved in. (And of course I blamed dh!)

No one at all as said that you are unreasonable and holding your Dh back, I would say the opposite.
I think most posters have been supportive and are just trying to understand the situation, you sound as though you are being pushed into things you don't want to do but can't really accept that standing up to your DH might be a possibility.
If you really don't want to move say so, if you feel that you would be ok to move but wish he had talked it through with you, tell him that.
You seem incredibly passive in your life and as difficult as it is, there are always choices.

I don't really see what can be done about this, OP, if you won't talk to him about it, won't stand up for what you want, won't leave him, won't have counselling. The only other option is to just go along with it.

NO mousy, i do like the house.

It's more

dh - I've got a job in Woodville and we're moving
me - but what about - ?
dh - no we're moving.

So we look round houses.

me - well this is a lovely house
dh - it's at the top of our budget but if you love it :)

some months later

me - dh this is really unfair to keep going on about going abroad I've already moved here for you
dh - you wanted to live here, and I said it was at the top of our budget, and so I'm working to pay the mortgage so you cold get your dream house.

You do sound a bit defeatist OP. I can relate to wanting to be rescued from a difficult situation, but in real life it's up to each adult to be their own knight in shining armour. Only you can change things. Do you want it enough to disrupt the status quo?

You sound very passive Op.

Your husband doesn't sound very nice.

The "house blaming"-but then if he was so controlling, I can't see how you would have ended up there if he really didn't want to.

It also seems that he has dropped plans to move abroad.

But if you really don't want to move to London you have to tell him!

We're moving to London this summer and it's going to be brilliant. I have always felt a lot like you describe about never fitting in, and I'm really excited about London because I feel that I will be able to find my niche there more easily than in a small town. Reading your words felt unsettlingly like I had written them myself.

BUT. You can do ANYTHING in a city that big, find ANY combination of friends, activities and job, and I can't think of anything better than bringing my children up in a capital city where there are resources for pretty much anything they want to do.

Does your DH's salary cover living in a nice part of the city on a single income, to give you time to look about yourself?

It's MASSIVELY unfair that he has done this to you and I would be angry to the point of considering the sustainability of the marriage, but that's a whole different set of issues. Right now, it might be best to roll with it, take all the opportunities that come your way, including the potentially higher salary you will be able to get in London, and then decide what the relationship is bringing to you later when you are stable.

I think you need an open and frank conversation. Maybe your dh feels he has to do most of the decision making and has slipped into that role or perhaps he does just do as he pleases.

You sound sad in your posts. As if you don't have any control over your life.

I'm sure I'll like London :) Thanks for the advice.

I think maybe the confusing thing for some (me) is the conversation about Woodville ended there. Why not, Umm hang on a minute do I not get any say in this?
Why did you feel that you couldn't take that line any further if you didn't want to move?

It's easy to say the husband doesn't sound very nice, but we only have one side here. If someone is generally very passive in a relationship then the other partner has to take the reins to get stuff done. It doesn't make them a bad person.

Sorry OP, you do sound depressed, or at least very negative with a skewed view of everything that happens to you. You sound (from these posts) as if you take little control over your life - maybe you thought your oh knew best in the beginning (as you were miserable before you met him) and it has grown into the normal way of life since then? Two school moves isn't unusual, most people can cope with their kids on the days they don't work, no one here has said they don't like you, and yes, you did say you often thought about not fitting in (I've spent most of my life feeling like the odd one out.) and then denied this in a subsequent post. Something is going on here which is making you unhappy. Maybe you need to see this as a wake up call and get counselling to understand yourself better and hopefully get stronger in yourself. Not trying to be harsh, although you may see it that way.

I just didn't include the full conversation but wanted to give an idea. Anyway it doesn't matter.

Yes I've spent most of my life feeling the odd one out it doesn't mean I feel like it all the time. Anyway it doesn't matter. How can I get this deleted??

You can report your first post and ask for them to remove it. They're usually quite nice about that sort of thing.

I'm sorry you feel so low about it.

Don't get upset by things being posted - I think people are genuinely trying to help.

Don't say it doesn't matter, it mattered enough for you to post this morning.

In very stark terms, he's calling all the shots.
And you have 2 choices.
You either go along with it, or you say No.
Taking you and DH out of the equation, how is this going to affect your children? Do you think this will be a positive or negative thing to do for them? Write a list out of both sides, which is longer? And talk it through with him. If you decide it is better for all of you, then do it. If it isn't better for all of you, then you have to be the voice for your children as well as yourself.

I was in a similar relationship for years - I ended up moving from London to NZ (which I don't think I really wanted to do ) because of it. Luckily we didn't have kids as I think I would be right where you are now.

I'm sure you know this but it is odd that he didn't talk about it beforehand. I've recently changed jobs and it meant longer commute and hours and because it would impact on my husband and our two kids we talked about it at length. Good luck.

Oh op. I know this has gone on a slight tangent you didn't expect, but really, I don't think anyone is really hanging on to the abroad or odd one out thing. I am the queen of imagining what people think of me so I know it's hard not to put words in people's mouths. Try not to use phrases like "people think", "everyone says", even to yourself, it helps a bit. People are different, you have your own mind, but so does 'everyone' else.

Delete the thread if you think it will help, but maybe write a couple of sentences on what you really want to talk about and ask to get this moved to relationships instead (click the report button on your op).

When I left my ex I told him that I deserved a happy ending. I knew it wouldn't happen, because of our 2dc I knew I was tied to him for the rest of our lives. There were difficult years on my own with 2 v young dc and him still trying to control me or hurt me. Lots of things you say about your younger years I can relate to, especially putting on the front. But I am now married with another dc and one on the way, life is chaotic and can be stressful but I am genuinely happy and fulfilled in a way I never thought possible. One of my children spent the weekend in hospital Friday-Sunday, I told his dad. He replied to a couple of messages but didn't even bother to call. My husband stayed by his bedside almost the entire time, even staying the nights so that I could be at home with baby and other dc. My point is that you really never know what the future holds, but you do know what the present situation is. I never would have believed my life could change so much. I don't believe in fairytales but I do know that life as someone's possession is no life at all. Take care op xx

But it does matter doesn't it?
I'm struggling to understand what you want your life to be, and you sound as though you have very low self esteem, and very likely depressed too.
Why were you all alone before meeting your husband? Were you in care as a child, and how old are you now?