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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel in an impossible position

120 replies

shelliecat · 04/04/2017 07:17

I feel that whatever I do will be wrong. Please don't just shout at me I must leave, it's never that simple.

My husband has always been a bit pig headed, his way or the highway sort of thing, once this didn't matter because I was a lot younger. But as we got married and had our own family I've come to realise I get no real say in anything, don't get to make any mportant decisions. But he says I do. For example when we moved here he decided we were moving because of his job. But then we looked at houses I liked this one he said 'well it's the top of our budget but if you like it' then he says 'well you decided to live here' but I didn't.

Anyway he's been talking about moving abroad since forever and I've always been reluctant. I really don't pick up on languages easily and plus I've spent most of my life feeling like the odd one out. Moved primary schools after year 1 moved secondary schools after year 9 then went to college for a year, dropped out, back to another college. Fitting in or feeling like I do is VERY important to me. I don't even like people commenting on how I speak as I feel like they're saying I'm not one of them. So going abroad with a different language and culture is a nightmare for me. He knows this.

So anyway he rang me a while back and announced he had an amazing surprise, came back with a bottle and said he had a new job, not abroad but 300 miles away. This is his compromise. We will stay in this country but move so far.

I have a job here and some friends I do love our house, we have pets (we'd be renting in the new place) I just went out and walked and walked and walked.

If he'd talked it over properly with me I'd be fine with it i think but all I can see is this future where he does what he wants and I get carted along with it regardless.

The problem is we have 2 very young children. I have no one to help. I find it difficult enough on days when I'm not at work as it is. No money. Even if we split everything I'd still be left without basic things. Lonely lonely empty life. To be honest if I think about leaving I feel like I'd rather die. I know that sounds extreme but I remember how my life was before I met him and how awful it was. I can never go back there. But I'd be going back with 2 young children. Worse.

But I feel like I'm just carted around blamed for stuff I did not do have anything I might do used against me.

I am in an impossible position. If I stay I am a posession if I leave I am miserable anyway.

I know there's nothing anyone can say. But I've no one I can talk to and I've been up since 4 with stuff running through my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
shelliecat · 04/04/2017 08:06

No I know they won't always be as they are now but it's still going to be many years before they are independent enough to be left. And then money.

Life before I met DH was pretty miserable, sorry if that makes ME sound miserable, but it was. I had nothing and I had nobody.

kind of delores. It's more what it says about how he sees me

OP posts:
tomatoplantproject · 04/04/2017 08:06

Now I am split from xh I have lots more time to myself. When he has dd I go to the gym, see whoever I want, get my hair/nails done, read the paper, read my book, cook whatever I want, watch whatever I want. The house is tidier and cleaner without having a manchild around.

I also set up a wine book club and we meet at each others houses. Although I host more so I don't have to sort out childcare.

My life is full and fun on my own. Yes I have responsibilities and a job and not without stress but I wouldn't choose to go back to a situation where I had decisions forced upon me. I was a shadow of the person I am now.

FrangiePangie · 04/04/2017 08:07

Then say to him that you are not at all prepared to move until there has been a full and equal discussion about the pros and cons. Play him at his own game. Get your big girl pants on, take a big breath, arm yourself with a few phrases that will help keep the conversation on track (e.g. "that is your opinion, but I don't share it." / "Don't negate how I feel about it" / "You need to listen to exactly how I feel about this" etc etc) and talk to him about it. You have no other option.

MrsBobDylan · 04/04/2017 08:07

Heteron has good advice I think - you need to find out why you feel as you do about your life and being 'different'.

You do sound like you've been depressed for a long time. Once you've worked out who you are and what you really want out of life, you can deal with the husband who wants to make joint decisions all by himself.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 04/04/2017 08:10

It's none of his damn business whether you have counselling or not. 'Let' you? What else doesn't he 'let' you do?
And why would you not want counselling? You don't sound as if you've ever been happy. Is this related to the bullying? Bullying is grim, but t happened to me and I didn't move once during my childhood.

I live abroad, and have moved around a lot here, and the English thing is tiresome, but I have found community wherever we have been, through open-mindedness and (in my case) a hobby.

Original poster
shelliecat · 04/04/2017 08:10

actually I'm not interested in big girl pants

I shouldn't have included that bit about feeling different. It's not just moving. It's really hard to explain. I just didn't want people saying I didn't want to go abroad because of being stupid or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
shelliecat · 04/04/2017 08:13

yes but that's you Hetro - I just didn't want to go abroad particularly. I just wanted our home and marriage and then a child came along and to be honest it was all enough to get my head around without learning a language (and I'm not very bright to be honest) and adjusting. But anyway it's not that I'm trying to argue. I know a lot of people live abroad and are happy, I know a lot of people are bullied at school. But I don't think about these things a lot but when I think moving abroad I feel like I wouldn't fit in and I can only put it down to what I experienced most of my life, which is feeling like the odd one out.

Maybe that is stupid though. But actually it was dh i wanted to talk about.

OP posts:
Emeralda · 04/04/2017 08:13

I agree about the counselling. It could be useful to understand more about yourself and do things differently in future. I wonder why you definitely don't want it and DH wouldn't let you? Have you tried it before?

Original poster
shelliecat · 04/04/2017 08:14

No. We couldn't afford it. And to be honest and hope I'm not offending anyone but there's a thread in chatabout counsellors. Not all counsellors are nice and not all counselling is helpful.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 04/04/2017 08:15

How did you react when he told you? Did you tell him that he shouldn't have made this decision without talking with you about it? Did you tell him you don't want to move? Did you tell him you'll consider it? Did you chat about the pros and cons of a move?

GeekGoddess · 04/04/2017 08:16

So you want to allow yourself to be completely emotionally and financially dependent on him, but wish he didn't take advantage of that? What do you mean about the big girl pants? Do you not even want to try and discuss this with him?
Flowers

rjay123 · 04/04/2017 08:16

Right now, YABU. You are unhappy, but you won't do anything to sort it out. You can either take control of yourself, or move 300 miles away.

Iamastonished · 04/04/2017 08:17

How old are the children? Do they go to nursery or school yet?

We moved to where we live now when DD was 3. I made friends through meeting other mums at toddler group and school. Is this option available to you? Our nearest family members live two and a half hours away so we have never had family support anyway.

Vegansnake · 04/04/2017 08:18

In the last 2 years 3 of my friends have left their husbands,with dc...with benefits,tax credits and maintenance throu proper channels ,they are all better off as single mums working 16 hours.they all say they wished they had done it sooner...one of my friends had to ask for a fiver each time she wanted to meet a friend for a coffee....another would Order the on line weekly food shop and he would cross of her tampax,her deodorant,her shampoo.and say I'm not paying for that.she was a SAHM...you could do this...you just have want your life back enough xx

Emeralda · 04/04/2017 08:20

You don't sound "not bright" to me. What makes you think that?
I know you want to talk about DH but Mumsnet can't change him - wwevcan look at ways you can do things differently though, bbecause it's you that wants your life to be different, not him.

Original poster
shelliecat · 04/04/2017 08:20

I do Geek but I don't find the big girl pants remarks helpful at all.

Maybe I'm being over sensitive (like I say I was up at 4!) but to me they just read as "stop whining you pathetic piece of shit."

I know that's probably not how they're intended.

I did say he shouldn't have made that decision but he made out that I did make that decision as I "wouldn't let him" move abroad. So the conversation was like

him - I've got a new job
me - that's brilliant!
him - it's in london
me - er what?
him - yeah isn's that amazing, we can rent ours out and rent somewhere down there, amzing for the kids blahblah
me - but hang on what about my job
him - oh they are desperate for workers in london
me - well yeah but -
him - and so we don't need to emigrate now!
me - ummm

OP posts:
deloresclaiborne · 04/04/2017 08:21

i dont think the op sounds depressed
i think she as just got use to doing as shes told, she just goes along with it.
sounds to me like your angry with yourself op, you know you have to stand up to him and tell him your not happy but for some reason (maybe the bullying when you were younger)you havent got it in you
self assertive classes are good
frangiepangie as some good ideas

HeteronormativeHaybales · 04/04/2017 08:25

I'm with GeekGoddess. You are coming across a little as if you want to be as entirely passive as you seem to be (you even talk of a child 'coming along', and I do get the vibe that you struggle with motherhood) and not do the difficult things in life, but at the same time ave every decision - that someone else makes - be the one that suits you. You can't say you're 'not interested in big girl pants' and expect to be self-determinedly happy.

Iamastonished · 04/04/2017 08:27

London is very expensive. Perhaps if you looked at the reality of renting and living there maybe your husband might think twice. The streets aren't really paved with gold you know.

Original poster
shelliecat · 04/04/2017 08:28

The thing is. I know that when you say you're lonely or sad people always say to make friends.

I've never been without friends. Even when I was bullied I had friends who were actully always quite defensive and indignant on my behalf. It's not that I can't chat to or enjoy people's company. In a werird way it's the opposite. I usually make friends wherever I go. The reason you don't like me on here is beacuse I'm being honest I'm not honest in real life. I smile and I laugh and make jokes and make a massive fuss over babies and dogs and cats and I love animals and I love art and creative things so all anyone sees is this lovely happy sunny person who is warm and friendly and wears bright colours and has long hair and all that.

Back in the old days though it was always impossible to explain. Having no family makes you kind of rootless in a weirs way. And I had to work when friends didn't so they didn't fully understand. I had to live in a rough area on my own and I was very young and it was scary. Some nights I'd hardly sleep at all. Looking back it wasn't that bad but in my mind it was. I was stupid as well I'd read a newspaper article about someone being murdered and it would freak me out. When I wasn't working I just spent huge chunks of time on my own. It was a mess, I was a mess. I remember one period where I don't think I washed or brushed my teeth for about 4 days which is disgusting.

Anyway I don't even know what I'm on about now lol

OP posts:
mousymary · 04/04/2017 08:28

This is one of those threads where I wish I had the dh's view. He may be controlling, but does he feel he has to be? Perhaps he sees himself as having to be in the driving seat. I slightly understand this as my father had to think of/do everything as my mother travelled through life as a very negative reluctant passenger. I am not absolving your dh of any blame, but living with a depressive person is tough and I think does sometimes lead the other partner to think, "Well, I'll just go ahead and book holiday/order carpet/paint the hall as X will moan and be anti it anyway."

Believe me, I understand about being on your own with dcs. I have never had one iota of help and it can be lonely and hard work. I never went anywhere by myself, even smear tests! If you have managed to carve out a bit of a life for yourself where you are I can understand your reluctance to move. But you could at least look at the place you'd have to move to. You never know, there could be more opportunities for friendship.

Original poster
shelliecat · 04/04/2017 08:30

I don't expect happiess exactly. I've always been content with very little. House, husband, children, part time work, thank you. That's all I want. Anyway it doesn't matter. I just didn't know if I was being unreasonable or not but it helps to talk about it and realise it is me beng unfair and unreasonable I shouldn't keep holding him back

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 04/04/2017 08:33

OP, I won't tell you to leave your DP because that's a very simple thing for people to say but perhaps not so easy for you to do. I'm guessing you are looking for some kind of solution that would mean you don't split up?

Would he even consider renting a room in London for 4 nights a week while you and the children stay put, with him coming back Friday - Sunday?

Kidakidder · 04/04/2017 08:34

realise it is me beng unfair and unreasonable I shouldn't keep holding him back

No one has said that.

FrangiePangie · 04/04/2017 08:35

Sorry if you don't like the big girl pants thing, OP. You have posted in AIBU where straight talking is the norm.

The way I see it is if there is a job in London he will, at some point soon, have to sign to accept it (assuming he hasn't already done that). This means that in order to stop / slow things down you do actually have to have a very frank discussion with him and you have to do it now. You don't have time for counselling. Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear but there isn't much else you can do. So, you need to get prepared for a big conversation and dig your heels in a bit.