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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think sleeping with more people than my age is ok?

127 replies

Namechange2417 · 03/04/2017 00:20

I put a thread up on here this morning about my new partner asking about my past relationships.

Anyway tonight I told him it was 'more than my age' and he actually replied with 'wow that's a lot'

Now I'm annoyed for saying anything but is it really a lot? I thought it was quite common for people's 'number' to be more than their age? Or am I wrong?

OP posts:
catsarenice · 03/04/2017 07:40

Namechange obviously I didn't make up the maths thing and I only put it in as it came back to me whilst reading this thread. I really don't think it needs analysing and amending - clearly a bit of fun! Does actually work for me though

catsarenice · 03/04/2017 07:44

Edballs I remember surveying my friends with it and it was surprisingly accurate for most - very odd!!! Grin

BreatheDeep · 03/04/2017 08:05

When I said it was a lot I didn't for any second mean it's too many as there is no such thing as long as you are comfortable with it.

You're only 19. Carry on having fun and ignore the idiot judging you for a number.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 03/04/2017 08:11

My number is 4, and I married 2 of them. The other 2 I'd known for
a number of months before sleeping with them, but they didn't work out long term. I wouldn't have wanted to have sex with anybody I hadn't built up some sort of relationship with, however short lived the romance was - and definitely not a ons with some random.
(Are ons generally with a random you meet on the night? Or somebody with whom you are already acquainted but don't like enough to have a relationship with?)
I see I'm in the minority here, but I think 20+ is a lot.
Not necessarily in a bad way. I often think I should have been more adventurous in my youth - maybe there's a touch of envy too.
But it doesn't keep me awake at nights. Hey ho.

ItsNachoCheese · 03/04/2017 08:14

Ive slept with so many people i lost count a long long time ago. My "number" is my business and nobody elses. He has no business asking about your past partners unless you want to tell him the issue shouldnt be forced

ShatnersWig · 03/04/2017 08:14

There is a big difference between thinking someone's number of partners is a lot and judging someone for it. I personally think to have slept with more than 19 people at that age is a lot and I'd say for either gender. I'm a man and at that age I'd slept with one person. I'm 43 now and my total is 6. But your body, you do what you like as long as you're safe.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 03/04/2017 08:16

You keep count?

Iamastonished · 03/04/2017 08:17

I'm 58, but have been with OH for 38 years, so I think 116 would be a lot for me.

HTH

Screwinthetuna · 03/04/2017 08:22

Hang on...people are telling you to finish with a partner because he asked how many people you have had sex with and you said a very high number and he responded with 'wow, that's a lot?' Now you actually have finished with him because he said that?
Are you serious? It IS a lot, that's a normal comment that anyone would make. If anything, I wouldn't have blamed him if he finished with you, would put me off knowing someone had slept around so much, no offence

londonrach · 03/04/2017 08:25

I think im oldfashioned as im abit surprised you can have a number that high. Anything over 5 is high surely. I know my dsis and dh number and mine and a few friends and we all well below that. How can you remember everyones name? Still doesnt matter as long as everyones safe and agrees to it.

Bluntness100 · 03/04/2017 08:25

Don't let their archaic attitude get you down

I don't understand this comment. Genunely. This isn't about is it a lot for a woman, it is simply do people perceive it as a lot for either gender.. I don't think that then correlates to old fashioned or archaic values, it's not about the times we live in.

I agree with the poster who said if the op is looking for a relationship, then there is a possibility she isn't going about it the right way. If however she just wants sex, then she is.

splendide · 03/04/2017 08:30

I wish I'd been more adventurous (and less ugly!). My total is 3 and u likely to climb any higher.

It's impossible to say if this guy is an arsehole without being there to hear the tone.

Stillwishihadabs · 03/04/2017 08:41

That formula works for me too - how strange !

frieda909 · 03/04/2017 09:01

My number was fairly low until a couple of years ago when I split up with my partner of 10 years and started dating again. It doubled in the space of a few months and I wouldn't even say I was sleeping around very much. So all the talk of a person's 'number' is a bit arbitrary really.

That said, I wouldn't necessarily see a response of 'wow, that's a lot' as particularly judgmental, but it of course depends on the tone. At 19 I think 20+ is probably higher than most people and I could see definitely myself at that age saying 'wow' to that. But it would be more of a 'wow, I'm impressed you've found that many men you wanted to sleep with, you must go out much more and have a far more interesting social life than dorky old me' rather than in a disapproving way!

Trifleorbust · 03/04/2017 09:08

I think any number/age combination is fine as long as your age isn't 15 or lower.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 03/04/2017 09:22

At 19, sex has only been legal for you for three years so it's a lot if there have been more men than your years.

I'd say most people fall within the 7/10 average.

He asked and you shared, you didn't have too. He obviously wants a partner that's more compatible with his views and that's perfectly fine. I'd not want a man that had slept with many people but I disagree with casual sex so would seek similar compatibility.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 03/04/2017 09:27

My number is well below average but faced with a tool like your ex (?), I'd have obliged by telling him I'd shagged my way through a Greek army garrison. Smile

xStefx · 03/04/2017 09:35

Ah is 7 - 10 really the Norm? Shit I missed that memo.
I lost count in mid twenties - Was always safe though (in case anyone was judging ) :-)

Crumbs1 · 03/04/2017 09:35

Triflebust it's illegal under 16 - are you suggesting it's ok to break the law? I'm always surprised at the numbers as I don't know anyone apart from the odd acquaintance of my children who treats sex so casually. Most of our friends are in long term, first marriages. A few are in a second marriage but that's definitely a small minority I can count on one hand. Work colleagues a bit more towards increased second marriage but still most are in long term first marriages.
My children, our friends children and their friends are also of mindset that casual sex isn't the best way to live and are usually in long term relationships or celibate.

Maybe we live in some sort of parallel universe where you find out whether you love someone before you move on to sex within a trusting relationship. No wonder people struggle to find happiness, are anxious and disadvantaged children. Yes, sorry but I do judge and I'm usually considered a bit soft/leftie/tolerant.

xStefx · 03/04/2017 09:35

I meant to say when I was In my mid twenties lol

Trifleorbust · 03/04/2017 09:44

Crumbs1:

How did my comment suggest that? Confused

splendide · 03/04/2017 09:54

Doesn't Trifle's comment suggest the opposite of it being OK to break the law?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 03/04/2017 09:58

I'm mid thirties, happily married now but with a number far more than my age. It really doesn't matter, my DH has never asked

Trifleorbust · 03/04/2017 09:58

splendide:

That's what I thought! Phew Grin

picklemepopcorn · 03/04/2017 10:08

We live in a world where some people see sex as recreational, and some as part of a special relationship. Those two groups will always have a different idea about what a suitable 'number' is.

Essentially, it is only the business of the people involved and the future direction of the relationship. If I knew a new partner had a very high number, I would assume the odds of us developing a long term relationship were fairly low unless they specified that was what they were looking for.

Anyone who had sex with me should assume I'm intending to be in it for the long haul. Which isn't to say that I couldn't change my mind about them!