To ask you to cheer me up with your emabarrasing hospital stories

[WinkyisbackontheButterBeer]

I had a general anaesthetic for minor surgery yesterday. I was fine about it. Really calm and chilled.
The Anaesthesiologist came to talk to me. Ding dong!!! very beautiful young man! lucky me.
Off I go into theatre and as I clamber up onto the bed I realised that I needed to fart. No problem, I am a pro at holding them in.
He gives me the drugs and I begin to nod off.
The last thing I remember before slipping into unconsciousness is the most enormous fart noise reverberating around the theatre.

To add to the humiliation, for some reason I woke up sobbing. Not pretty, feminine crying. Oh no! Great, big, ugly, snot bubbled sobs.

Make me feel better please

I grabbed the consultant who had popped in to talk to my midwife when I had having dc2 and whispered to her 'nobody's listening to me but you have to understand I think I have a bowling ball up my bum' . I hadn't even had any drugs!

When I was giving birth to DS I progressed to 2cm to 9cm very quickly...much to the disbelief of the midwife on the ward who begrudingly offered to re-examine me saying she doubted I'd be more than 3-4cm yet. She took one look and said "we've got to move you NOW you can't have this baby on the ward" I managed to stumble out "why not its a very nice ward" but was whisked off anyway. In the lift a man kept saying "don't push yet lists, don't push".... and I bellowed "ok ok I don't want a porter to deliver my baby anyway".

Finally got to the labour room with blessed gas and air and the "porter" turned out to be the midwife

Thank you all so so much. I am in quite a bit of pain and am feeling a little sorry for myself but reading these has really cheered me up. There are so many that I have giggled at that dh keeps looking at me like and asked me if I am taking anything other than paracetamol.
sadly I am not

OP,

Just to say I really hope your pain's under control by now?
Some for you.

Thanks for the excellent thread! And for everyone's anecdotes.

I was in a&e one evening in pain and had to be sent home to return for scans the next day, so goodness knows which drugs I was on but I was quite loopy and chatting utter shit to my DH. They offered me a painkiller that some people liked, some didn't, but as I'd had it before and it worked, I opted to have it again.
It was one that goes up yer bum.
So I decided it couldn't be hard to do and self administered it.
Turns out I didn't do it properly - not up far enough, & was giggling uncontrollably and "whispering" really loudly, like when drunks 'whisper' that it was fizzing away and tickling my bum hole

When I was 17, I had my appendix taken out. I'd had my pre-med and the (big, dishy) surgeon came to take me down to theatre. He started talking about the procedure and I don't know why, (maybe I was a bit out of it from the pre-med) but I got really annoyed and started arguing with him!

Surgeon: I'm going to make a little incision, this big...
Me: No, you're not!
Surgeon: ...and I'm going to remove the appendix...
Me: You'll never do it! I won't go to sleep!