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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you test for a kidney match for an estranged relative?

101 replies

Bigblug · 01/04/2017 19:19

My nan is very ill and on dialysis. I know she needs a kidney transplant, and my aunt has asked if I would consider testing to see if I'm a match.
Now I have two issues, one being my nan is a bit of a bitch. We had a huge argument 3 years ago and despite me trying to make it up, she hasn't been interested. I also feel uncomfortable incase something ever happened to my kids/mum/partner and they needed one, I don't think I would be able to live with the knowledge that i could have saved my babies because I'm a soft touch who wanted to make it up with my nan, who probably would only have 15 years left in her anyway.
Although I feel awfully guilty I don't think I'm going to get tested, aibu and wwyd?

OP posts:

ragz134 · 01/04/2017 19:22

YANBU, it is your body and that is a lot to ask of anyone.

isthistoonosy · 01/04/2017 19:23

No I wouldn't

BiggerBoatNeeded · 01/04/2017 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 01/04/2017 19:25

Not in the circumstances you describe. I would for, say, the child of an estranged relative.

Garnethair · 01/04/2017 19:26

No. It's a big ask and I wouldn't in your circumstances

HelloCanYouHearMe · 01/04/2017 19:28

Nope.... and given that you have tried to patch things up and your nan wasnt interested, whats to say she would want your kidney anyway?

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 01/04/2017 19:30

Nope,if my estranged relative needed a kidney i would deliberately give one of mine to a stranger just so he couldn't have it.

Dozer · 01/04/2017 19:30

No.

TheNameIsBarbara · 01/04/2017 19:31

Please don't do this.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 01/04/2017 19:31

No. Not for a bitch.

She can have a kidney from someone she hasn't been a bitch to.

SootSprite · 01/04/2017 19:33

No. I'm nc with my siblings and I'd rather remove my eyes with a spoon than help them out.

EllenRipley · 01/04/2017 19:33

There are obviously circumstances where this would be an appropriate and selfless thing to do. This is not one of them, don't feel guilty!

MrEBear · 01/04/2017 19:34

No, it's a massive ask. TBH I don't even think Doctors would consider it as ethically correct to risk a younger person for an old person. That's not even taking into account the fact you don't talk.

Different giving a kidney to your child or sibling but not somebody 2 generations older than you.

Shakirasma · 01/04/2017 19:34

I don't know if I've dreamed it but I didn't think donation was usually allowed upwards through the generations anyway, due to the risk of coercion being involved by 'senior' family members and also the reasons you've given.

welovepancakes · 01/04/2017 19:35

I wouldn't .............. but a colleague of mine was tested to see if she was a match and the consultant asked several times if she was sure she wanted to do it. He / she emphasised that if she had any doubts at all, then she would be "rejected" as a donor, as there were so many reasons why someone might be turned down. So, if you wanted to, you could probably volunteer but express doubts and be turned down

PickAChew · 01/04/2017 19:36

Hell no!

BigChocFrenzy · 01/04/2017 19:36

No, live donors are very controversial, because it is risking the future health of one person for no benefit to themself, just to another person.

There can sometimes be dreadfully unfair family pressure on the potential donor.

Remember the donor will be going through an operation, which is never risk-free.
They and their family will have to bear any ill effects, including permanent ones.
In the future, they might need that organ themselves, or even to donate to a closer relative.

imo, it's only ethical in very certain restricted cases, e.g. a parent donating to a child, or donating to their spouse.
Donating to a much older relative, let alone an estranged one, seems rash and imo morally wrong to request.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/04/2017 19:37

Nope. Something similar in my extended family. The person in question is a total arse hole, treats everyone else with disdain etc (and isn't even sticking with the medication they've been given so not keen to help someone who won't even help themselves) - wouldn't give them the steam off my piss never mind a body part.

Don't be guilted into it. Your DC are your priority.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/04/2017 19:38

welovepancakes you don't have to be a match - they can accept your donation to swap with someone else who's a match who also has a donor.

Northernlurker · 01/04/2017 19:39

If you were a match you could do it but I think it would be desperately unwise. I've worked a lot with kidney patients and I wouldn't donate a kidney except to my dc. 1 in 100 will never work I believe. Of the rest, a lot will fail at some point. Very few people live out the rest of their life with their first donated kidney. Willingly halving your kidney function is huge step to take and as a young mum it's one I would definitely not advocate taking. And all that for somebody who offers you no respect at all? No way.

origamiwarrior · 01/04/2017 19:42

you don't have to be a match - they can accept your donation to swap with someone else who's a match who also has a donor.

This is true, and, as such, there is no reason your Aunt couldn't be the 'donor'

MummyPenguin2 · 01/04/2017 19:43

No, definitely not. Not just in terms of saving it for a closer relative, but also the potential health implications for you. It's a major operation and it's not a fluke of evolution that people are born with 2 kidneys. Common health problems like diabetes and high blood pressure as well as numerous common medications can put strain on the kidneys. You may well need both kidneys in the future. Please, please don't do this.

Original poster

Bigblug · 01/04/2017 19:46

I feel guilty but pretty certain I'm not going to do it for all the reasons stated. Thankyou for making me feel a little less guilty :)

OP posts:

BoldKitties · 01/04/2017 19:46

YANBU, at all. It's your body, and donating a kidney is a massive thing to do. I clicked on this thinking 'of course I'd do that for any family member, even if we were estranged'. But I wouldn't. My Mum, Dad, sisters, nieces, nephews, SIL, BIL, yes, in a heartbeat. But then I thought of DP's brother, from whom we are estranged. To be honest and at the risk of sounding crass, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. I'd definitely not undergo major surgery to give him a kidney.

Don't feel guilty. If you don't want to get tested, don't.

originaldoozy · 01/04/2017 19:53

YANBU

My Mum was in a similar situation a few years ago. Estranged brother who funnily enough only ever appeared back into family life when he wanted something turns up after 10+ years of no contact needing a kidney.

Mum refused to be tested which I fully supported. One of their brothers ended up being tested and went through with donating. Since then the estranged brother has actually stuck around and my Mum sees him about once or twice a year, even went to his wedding. It didn't damage their relationship any further and in fact it seems it has taught him the value of family relationships. My Mum still can't get iver his nany many acts of selfishness over the years though which included begging for money so much that my parents and we went without trying to help him ... only for him to disappear. Put yourself and your immediate family (DH, DC etc) first.

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