Would you test for a kidney match for an estranged relative?

[Bigblug]

My nan is very ill and on dialysis. I know she needs a kidney transplant, and my aunt has asked if I would consider testing to see if I'm a match.
Now I have two issues, one being my nan is a bit of a bitch. We had a huge argument 3 years ago and despite me trying to make it up, she hasn't been interested. I also feel uncomfortable incase something ever happened to my kids/mum/partner and they needed one, I don't think I would be able to live with the knowledge that i could have saved my babies because I'm a soft touch who wanted to make it up with my nan, who probably would only have 15 years left in her anyway.
Although I feel awfully guilty I don't think I'm going to get tested, aibu and wwyd?

There are some misconceptions here. The donors health is taken extremely seriously and transplants won't go ahead if there is any concern. They are cancelled/delayed if any minor condition is found. The burden is on doctors to ensure that the health of the donor is not in any way compromised.

Living donors have been consistently shown to have the same or in some studies lower mortality rates than the general population. The lowering of mortality is no doubt down to more aggressive treatment of blood pressure, cholesterol etc and the fact that it is healthier people who donate but it remains a reassuring fact- donors are very unlikely to have their lives shortened by the procedure. And recipients do better with live donor kidneys.

However OP the decision in this case is entirely yours- you should not feel pressured to step forward for any person or for any reason.

How do you square your assertion of misconception with the fact that any surgery carries risk, any general anaesthetic brings the risk of death Rinceoir?

Rinceoir you've just very nicely proven my point thank you

"And recipients do better with live donor kidneys."

Plus at no point in all that did you consider the EMOTIONAL effects.

Of course I agree that any surgery carries risks, and that nobody should ever be pressured into donating anything- be it blood products or a kidney.

I'm simply pointing out that the risks to the donor are very low thankfully, and that the donors health is very comprehensively screened prior to donating. Plenty of studies have looked at the quality of life and mental health impact of being a donor and found no negative impact of donating compared with the general population (again some studies show improvement).

No, not because you are estranged but because presumably she's very elderly.

Are all her relatives considering being tested, or is your Aunt asking just you on your Gran's behalf, as she feels that "you owe her" and "it's just Bigblug, who cares if she could be adversely affected by giving her kidney"?

This is true, and, as such, there is no reason your Aunt couldn't be the 'donor'

Yeah except different blood groups are more or less in demand. So if your aunt is universal receiver (AB+) she is hardly going to be about to swap for universal donor (O-).

But yanbu op, to donate a kidney to an elderly person you don't even like is just . As others have said my dad wouldn't take a kidney off me, as he would say 'hell will freeze over first'.

Absolutely not under these circumstances.

FlusteredDuster, screening of donors is not always as thorough as it needs to be.

I have worked in kidney transplanting and would give a kidney to my husband children mother and possibly siblings BUT in your situation I would definitely say No.

Interesting thread though. Someone upstream mentioned blood groups. You can do transplants between people of different blood groups now due to a technique to remove the recipients antibodies prior to the transplant. It is quite a complex technology though. However the outcomes with a live donor are so much better than a deceased donor even with a different blood group. I am O neg the universal donor but hopefully I will not be in the position of having to make this difficult decision.

Would anyone accept a kidney (if needed obviously) off one of their DC? Just with posters saying there parents wouldn't accept one off them.

I don't think I would and I'm 28, my DC are 11 and 4 so that might be swaying my judgement.

Thanks Flustered I didn't think to google

I would only consider this for one of my children and possibly my husband. No one else, even though I have good relationships with my parents and brother.

In your situation, OP, never in a million years.

I think unborn that if my DM had needed a kidney as an adult I'd have been very upset if she'd chosen to die/ have a shit life instead of accept a donation from me. Unfortunately she did die prematurely and donated both of her kidneys (that's obviously a different story) and I know enough about compatibility to know that DF couldn't have mine anyway, so it's kind of by the by.

Most people don't need a kidney so if an adult child only 17 years younger than you wanted to donate I don't see what is wrong with that. Saving it for (mythical if they aren't born yet) children who will probably never have kidney failure seems in some ways a bit daft.

But putting pressure on them/ suggesting it would be wrong.

There are 5000 people on the register waiting for a Kidney in the UK. Most people will never get one from a deceased donor.

Bizarrely, this is a situation that I've actually given a lot of thought to over the years. Three of my first cousins are genetically closer to me than the rest are (our fathers were brothers and our mothers were sisters, so we share two sets of grandparents) and we've not spoken to one another for almost twenty years, now. So I've wondered what I'd say if they needed any part of my body, quite frankly, including bone marrow and/or blood. I've wondered whether I would donate and then never speak to any of them again... or whether I would, essentially, leave them to try and find someone else to donate.

Like others, I'd not want to donate anything that my own children might, one day, need in some capacity. But I know that I'd come under a lot of pressure from other family members (I still have contact with their mother, my aunt, for example, and her younger children) to help/save them. Would they do likewise if I or my children ever needed something from them...? No. They wouldn't. I'm under no illusions regarding that (one of them actually threatened my life if I went to our Gran's funeral, so...).

So my answer would be a resounding "no".

And I wouldn't experience any guilt over that, either. Because it would simply be Kismet. A consequence of the choice which they made to make vile threats and act like the bullies they actually are towards everyone at a time when our family should have been pulling together.

If your nan is a bitch to you, OP, and you don't want to be tested/lose a kidney... then don't. There is no law that says you have to give any part of yourself to anyone else, for any reason! Your body = your choice. Please don't let your aunt, or anyone else, try to pressure you into doing something that you don't want. Understandably they're frightened about the consequences of her bitchiness, but... donation comes with its own set of risks to the donar. A lot of people don't stop to think about the donation part of it and what that will mean, forever, to the donar. They only think of the person who needs the donation...

Any of my DC or DGC could have any organ they needed - I'm not saying I wouldn't be feckin' terrified but the thought of carrying on living myself when I could have saved them is far worse - and I wouldn't accept anything off them (other than, say, a bit of blood which they wouldn't miss for long). However, anyone else in the whole world who needs something of mine will have to wait till I'm dead. Can't see a problem having my bits used when I don't have a use for them myself, but while I do, I'm keeping 'em.

No I wouldn't, because there's no chance I'd be donating. I wouldn't be giving up one of my kidneys to someone that much older. Maybe to one of my parents if it were in the near future (they're still fairly young) but even then I'm not sure, because my first thought would be for my kids.

I'm on the organ donor register. Anything the NHS wants they're more than welcome to once I'm gone. All of it. For all I care they can stuff me and use me as a fucking sofa, if that would do some good to someone. But I'd be much more fussy when I'm still living.

I'm on the organ donor register. Anything the NHS wants they're more than welcome to once I'm gone.

In relation to your children please make sure they know this. And also how far you are willing to go - would you want to be resuscitated for this purpose for example/ be willing to be kept alive for 24ish if you weren't brain dead? From the point of view of an adult child who has had to go through this for their parent it was the worst day of my whole life. We had to double guess what DM would have wanted in various scenarios never knowing if we'd got it right.

My kids are tiny, but everyone else knows. GP included. I didn't know anything about resuscitation to donate, but yes whatever needs doing to donate as much as possible. How do I record this though?

Just make it clear that there is nothing you are not willing to do if you aren't going to recover.

We put a DNR on DM in ICU. It felt right at the time, but as time goes on the more I think it isn't what she'd have wanted. Everyone assumes they will be dead but that isn't actually always the case. It didn't actually matter as it happens to the outcome as her heart didnt stop.

Make it clear to relatives.

Not a chance. And I say that as a Christian and someone that would ordinarily do anything for anyone! But no way.

I think it's an interesting conversation, it's not something I've ever thought about properly.