Would you test for a kidney match for an estranged relative?

[Bigblug]

My nan is very ill and on dialysis. I know she needs a kidney transplant, and my aunt has asked if I would consider testing to see if I'm a match.
Now I have two issues, one being my nan is a bit of a bitch. We had a huge argument 3 years ago and despite me trying to make it up, she hasn't been interested. I also feel uncomfortable incase something ever happened to my kids/mum/partner and they needed one, I don't think I would be able to live with the knowledge that i could have saved my babies because I'm a soft touch who wanted to make it up with my nan, who probably would only have 15 years left in her anyway.
Although I feel awfully guilty I don't think I'm going to get tested, aibu and wwyd?

No way.

I wouldn't give a kidney for someone older than me and nearing the end of their lifespan. It's a huge ask, and I wouldn't want my health to be risked for limited gain. For my child, no question about it.

In 20-30 years time you could really need that kidney.

No I wouldn't. I would donate to my DS but that's it. Have recently been diagnosed with a heart condition though so doubt I would be eligible anyway.

But tbh I imagine that very few people actually would when it came to it. The numbers of people on the transplant list is fairly clear testament to the fact that most people wouldn't want to donate their own kidney even for a relative.

That being said, I have a school friend who donated a kidney to another school friend. No relationship, they just knew each other from school. When I asked him about it he said "it was simple, he had to go through dialysis three times a week. I had my health and he didn't."

It had never crossed my mind that people of pensionable age could take living donations from those younger than them.....not sure why. Surely must people wouldn't actually take it? My parents sure as hell wouldn't jeopardise their children's lives to prolong their own. Surely the antithesis of what parenting is about?

Ledkr I'm pleased your son had a successful transplant.

I'd like to think if it was a child I would (if they were heathy) I agree with wanna though saying something and actually doing it are completely.

I've lost a child I hope if the situation ever arose I could spare some other parents that pain.

Altruistic donation, where you donate a kidney without knowing the recipient is on the increase. As with all donation your kidney will go to the person who is the best match. Might be a 20 yr old, might be a 70 yr old. There is no age limit on receiving a kidney, though obviously, the older you are the less likely to be healthy enough to receive one you will be. The majority of people who are on dialysis aren't actually fit enough to be listed for a kidney transplant.

That's interesting Northern. I have a friend (well more of an acquaintance really) who is on dialysis and has been for a number of years, although originally she was on dialysis she did at home (can't remember the name now) and only switched to hemo dialysis about eighteen months ago. And yet she has said numerous times about going on the transplant list, how they will be talking about her going on the transplant list "this year" she's said it several years running and yet it never happens.

Does this mean she actually wouldn't be healthy enough to receive a kidney transplant then or are there other factors as well?

No. She's your Nan. She's not your child.

I think it's horrificly selfish when older relatives expect younger family members to be tested as donors.

Northern it seems a very brave thing to do.

Are most donations given by organ donors who have died or relatives of the person in need?

(Apologies if I've worded that badly)

Unborn last year about 1/3 were living donors, either relatives, friends or altruistic donors, 2/3 deceased donors....

nhsbtdbe.blob.core.windows.net/umbraco-assets/1343/annual_stats.pdf

There are a lot of variables wannabe. In the U.K. you will usually be listed for transplant as soon as possible as ideally you will get a kidney before you need to start dialysis. Obviously there is no point transplanting you till your kidney function falls to a certain level so the timing is pretty complicated.

For some people though they aren't well enough at the time they get to need to start dialysis to go on the transplant list. For example you can have a transplant if you've had cancer but only if you've been cancer free for an adequate time. For others it may be that there is a high chance of the disease that knackered the kidneys in the first place recurring in a transplanted organ. If you've had a transplant before you will have additional antibodies in your body making it harder to transplant a new kidney. All recipients need to be able to take immunosuppression afterwards and the cardio-vascular system needs to be up to the strain. You also need to be of an appropriate BMI for surgery. You need to be able to take your medication regularly and willing to adapt to the changes a transplant will bring including drinking a lot and weeing a lot. It sounds like a no brainer but it can be really hard for some people to adjust to the physical changes. Some people cope well on dialysis and like the constant social contact that going to the unit three times a week brings. Some people don't cope at all well with the idea of another persons organ inside them. It can be an almost overwhelming responsibility. Mental health problems go alongside chronic health conditions hand in glove. People need to be able to cope. It's a complicated decision.

I didn't really have a sense of how many donations were live versus deceased donors. I thought probably more deceased but actually on looking it up it was nearly fifty/fifty two years ago for organ donors in general. I suspect that was roughly true for kidneys. Live donation is growing all the time and as mentioned lower down you can have pool schemes where you donate to somebody and it's in a chain like buying a house and your loved one gets a match from further down the chain.

Not a fucking chance. Your (non) relationship with the recipient is almost an irrelevance here. How old is your gran? How old are you?

All my grandparents are dead but I can't imagine even my parents being willing to accept a live organ donation from me. I reckon they'd take the view, I've had a good innings. Not going to risk my kid's health for a few more years.

YANBU

And if I were a grandmother no way would I accept a kidney from one of my grandchildren, especially if they had their own DC.

There is a "negative attitude" to live donations because there is a genuine risk of harming a healthy person to benefit someone else.

The Hippocratic Oath says "First, do no harm"

So, I'm astonished that live donation is ⅓ of transplants
With those numbers, I'm concerned about pressuring / shaming of family members to donate, especially if the recipient is a child.

About kidney disease usually being in both organs:
"usually" = what % ?
My late mum had to have one kidney removed in her mid-40s
The other was fine and lasted until she died in her 90s. So, just as well she hadn't donated it in her youth.

About transplant organs failing:
My cousin's wife has had 2 liver transplants, because the first liver only lasted a few years.
Her doctor said it's not unusual, nothing she did wrong.

I feel bad for typing it but you have to go with thinking about your children and their whole lives ahead of them as opposed to an estranged older relative who has lived a life already.

I hope the overwhelming don't do its have taken all your guilt away.

I'd do it for my children or husband only. My parents would expressly forbid me to even get tested if they needed one.

No way would I do it, and no way would my parents/grandparents have accepted if I'd offered.

I think you have a few options though.

1. Tell your relative you're not going to do it.
2. Go and talk to the consultant and give your worries, and, by the sound of it, they'll tell you not to feel guilty and they wouldn't take it from you anyway.
3. Tell her you asked your Gp and your Gp says because you have

No I wouldn't. My priorities are my children. Not even my parents. And that's not being estranged from them either. Can't believe they'd even ask.

Bigchoc - lots of people end up with something wrong with just one kidney. As we mostly have two it's not an issue. The people who end up at end stage must have significant issues affecting both kidneys or only have one with an issue affecting it. I think that's what was meant. You're absolute,y tight about the short time some organs last. People can do everything right and it still go wrong. When it's a loved one who has gone though all that for you and the organ still packs in, that can be very, very hard for everybody.

Incidentally I don't know if people know they don't routinely remove your native kidney when plumbing in the transplant? They usually leave the native kidneys Alone and plumb the transplant in elsewhere. I think that's quite cool.

In your situation absolutely not. Yabu your aunt was VERY unreasonable to even ask!

Not just because of the relationship involved.

I have a lot of ethical objections to live donation generally and personally, I think the law needs massively tightened on this.

We need to work far more on increasing the number of people donating after death.

Currently it's overly romanticised, the effects on donors (physical & emotional) are hugely minimised and the benefits over stated especially by those working in the field.

There's far too much latitude given in terms of pressuring people into donating, not just by medical professionals but by charities and some in govt.

Slightly off topic but don't even get me started on live child donors especially 'saviour siblings'.

I meant yanbu.

I agree about charities in particular. A far too rose tinted view is given often. The hcps I've worked with have taken pains not to do that however. No getting away from the fact that survival is so much better for transplant patients but of course in part that's because they are the fitter patients anyway, or those with the potential to be fitter.

There are still risks for donors though. It's a massive operation both in terms of the actual surgery and effects afterwards and its undergoing an unnecessary (to the donor) surgery with all the risks there are with ANY surgery.

I've met medical professionals who are 'OK' in how they handle donors but the majority I've met working in this arena are biased toward what's best for the recipient.

That's not been my experience but that is only with physicians and specialist nurses not transplant surgeons.

No, no and thrice no.