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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you test for a kidney match for an estranged relative?

101 replies

Bigblug · 01/04/2017 19:19

My nan is very ill and on dialysis. I know she needs a kidney transplant, and my aunt has asked if I would consider testing to see if I'm a match.
Now I have two issues, one being my nan is a bit of a bitch. We had a huge argument 3 years ago and despite me trying to make it up, she hasn't been interested. I also feel uncomfortable incase something ever happened to my kids/mum/partner and they needed one, I don't think I would be able to live with the knowledge that i could have saved my babies because I'm a soft touch who wanted to make it up with my nan, who probably would only have 15 years left in her anyway.
Although I feel awfully guilty I don't think I'm going to get tested, aibu and wwyd?

OP posts:

Mulberry72 · 01/04/2017 19:55

Absolutely not. YANBU.

ChippyMinton · 01/04/2017 19:58

If your nan has kidney disease because your family has a genetic disposition you would be well advised to think very carefully about whether any other family members might need a kidney in the future, or if you yourself may develop a similar problem.

Original poster

Bigblug · 01/04/2017 20:02

She's diabetic but it doesn't seem to be genetic. There's no history of cancer or diabetes apart from her, which is type 2 because she's never really had a healthy lifestyle until she got ill and took stock on her life. She fell into a diabetic coma and finally took it seriously. But it's true and a fair point x

OP posts:

JustSpeakSense · 01/04/2017 20:06

I would get tested, and then take it from there. Chances are you won't be a match anyway.
I think I'd save a family members life if I could regardless of our relationship (but at this point she hasn't actually approached you, your aunt has, so if you were a match you'd need to wait and see how bitch nan dealt with the situation)

AgathaMystery · 01/04/2017 20:09

I think I'd do it. You could go into a 'matched pool' if you weren't a good match to your nan - but so could your aunt.

I don't think you should not do it 'just in case' something happens to someone else in your family (if that makes sense). If you're not going to do it just be honest with yourself why you're not happy to do it.

There are over 6,500 people waiting for a kidney in the UK today. You've given me another nudge OP.

clematisflower · 01/04/2017 20:10

How old is your nan? (If you don't mind posting that - I understand if you don't want to)

BigChocFrenzy · 01/04/2017 20:14

Ask yourself if you are willing to risk your future health, maybe even your life, for your nan.
To prioritise her over being able to care fully for your DC, who are your respnsibility.

FreeNiki · 01/04/2017 20:15

Hell no. I don't think Id even do it for a sibling. It's major surgery and a very deep cut and what if something happens to your other kidney.

DJBaggySmalls · 01/04/2017 20:23

YANBU, in any case I really dont think the doctors would consider taking a kidney from you for a much older relative. Especially if you have children.

BigChocFrenzy · 01/04/2017 20:31

I'm 60 and would refuse any live donation, but then I would have refused at 20 too, on principle.

I'd imagine how I'd feel if something happened to the donor during the op, or if they needed their kidney in the future.

Also, many donated organs fail within a few years, so I'd feel terrible about that too, feeling I'd wasted a gift that the donor couldn't really afford to give

SeaEagleFeather · 01/04/2017 20:42

I'd be inclined to not answer Aunt at the moment, and if she raises it again say to her that Nan needs to approach you herself.

But by definition your nan is pretty old - she is a great grandmother to your children. Given that you have children and have a long time ahead of you probably, I don't think you can justify giving something that has long term implications for your own health and therefore potentially an impact on your children.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 01/04/2017 20:43

I'd test for anyone if I could.

FlusteredDuster · 01/04/2017 20:47

Donating a kidney is a massive decision and a gift that you should be willing to give freely and without conditions, you should not feel guilty about not wanting to, it is your choice. Your relationship (or lack of) will of course affect you wanting to give such a gift and you should not feel bad about that.

I am shocked by the negative attitude to live donation though, and the number of people saying things like "many donated organs fail within a few years" many is an objective term, but living donation is the most statistically successful and it is not true that many fail, statistically the lifespan of donated organs is increasing (currently 25 years is not unusual and these are people who were transplanted 25 years ago)

In terms of risks to your future health, you are not halving your kidney function, your remaining kidney 'beefs' up to function at about 75-100% kidney function. Any future trauma or disease is likely to reduce your kidney function by a % but would usually affect both kidneys so not be that much more traumatic (unless it was a physical trauma to one side of your body)

Life expectancy on dialysis is about 6 years (on average, obviously longer if young and healthy) and rubbish, transplant is not a cure, it is a treatment but it is the best one available in many cases.

Donation is a personal choice and should not be expected, but the negativity on this thread is quite depressing...

FlusteredDuster · 01/04/2017 20:49

Also, the testing process for any potential donor is very rigorous, anyone who is even slightly likely to suffer in the future due to donation would be turned down, to donate you have to be very fit and healthy.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 01/04/2017 20:51

My internal organs are for my dcs.

BillSykesDog · 01/04/2017 20:53

Honestly, I am 99.99999% certain that my older relatives would refuse to accept one from me on the grounds that they would be more concerned about my children having parents in good health than themselves having perhaps a couple of years extra of not great health. I think the fact they've even asked says a lot.

spicyelephant · 01/04/2017 20:53

A very difficult situation, I think there are arguments for both being tested and not. I think I would do it but maybe that's because I hear 'nan' and can't help but think of my grandmother and I can't really imagine being estranged from her. So sitting on the fence sorry!!

As a side note, a few posters have mentioned the potential future risks of donating a kidney. Obviously while there is a risk, kidney donators have a longer life expectancy than the normal population due to selection bias. They will screen you for absolutely everything and you'll need a full mot before they'll let you donate. Just didn't want to put people off donating in general.

UnbornMortificado · 01/04/2017 20:57

No, too scared of leaving me kids without a mam.

I'm already in mild hysteria about a minor op Monday that may or may not require a GA.

My parents, siblings, DH, children and (non estranged) gran, I'd be first in line.

ohdoadoodoo · 01/04/2017 20:58

God no, not under the circumstances that you describe.

UnbornMortificado · 01/04/2017 20:58

I'm an ex-addict though sonI doubt my kidneys are up too scratch.

FlusteredDuster · 01/04/2017 21:02

spiceyelephant you said that so much more concisely than me!

Ledkr · 01/04/2017 21:04

My son had a transplant last year. Fortunately he ended up with a donor but before that several family members were being tested including a brother and my dh (his step dad) his other brother didn't want to as he has a small child and is self employed and we were fine with that. It's a personal choice, big operation, lots of time off work and potentially life changing.
Yanbu

Northernlurker · 01/04/2017 21:07

Flusteredduster where did you get that 'average' life expectancy figure from?

Life expectancy on dialysis is actually massively variable, depends on age at reaching end stage, diagnosis and crucially co-morbidities. It's not generally actual renal failure that kills kidney patients.

The failure rate, and how quickly donated organs fail, is something that donors absolutely should understand. An overly rosy picture of organ donation helps nobody. As I said, I have some professional connection with renal patients and whilst I would absolutely agree end stage renal failure is absolutely horrendous, I wouldn't donate my kidneys except to my kids. That's because of what I've seen.

Starlight2345 · 01/04/2017 21:09

No I wouldn't ..You need to prioritize caring for your children.

Northernlurker · 01/04/2017 21:10

X posted with Ledkr - v pleased to see your son got a kidney. I remember a thread from you when he was approaching end stage I think.

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