To think this is not rude?

[Lulabell1979]

Would you consider the phrase"have you got the hump today?" to be rude?

Context - business meeting, someone senior from other organisation being very rude, not listening, interrupting aggressively pushing an idea, having a go at junior member of team, then starts having a go at my organisation saying we don't do anything. (We provide thousands of pounds of support and man hours to his organisation that is a charity). He is normally quite jovial but is bossy. I was getting so annoyed by him my options were to end the meeting or cut him dead somehow. I said the hump comment because I believed he had a sense of humour. Clearly not! I recognise it's not the most professional thing to say but when someone is being incessantly aggressive towards you I don't think it is the worst I could have said? Whilst he presents as being friendly/ jokey he is also very "boys club" and my boss has now told me off about this. Can't help feeling he just didn't like a woman telling him to back off and am v pissed off that I have been called over it. AIBU?

You were very rude and unprofessional. Your boss has told you off, mostly everyone here is saying you were rude, yet you still seem justified.

It's nothing to do with being a woman, it's everything to do with being a dick.

It's tricky as you probably thought you could manage the situation without getting all serious. It was definitely right to say something though. Perhaps it would have been better to just say I disagree with you because....and be factual. Or as above ask if he had a particular problem or wanted to end the arrangement.

Op, if you wish something useful there is lots of training available in terms of managing conflict and the like and how to deal with these situations. Adding fuel to the fire and publicly calling someone out is not the way to manage it.

There is many strategies, from taking a break to allow everyone some breathing space through to addressing the issues one by one, or taking the individual aside into a break out meeting to see how you can move forward positively together.

Asking someone in a meeting if they have the hump today simply isn't the right way to manage it.

Sounds to me like you stood up for a junior member of staff indirectly. Not the most elegant of phrases to use but I can see how you were trying to lessen the tension in the room. He was rude, unprofessional and clueless to wind up staff from the firm who donate (iyswim). Your employer may also benefit from the arrangement but they could chose another charity to donate to, perhaps one with more professional staff.

It was the wrong thing to say. I think "ok, I think maybe we should take a break here. could we have a quick word in private please?".

That's where to have the discussion with arsehat. Ether along the lines of concerned "is everything ok?" Or a more specific "what's going on because I've just seen you do X, Y and Z and that's just not like you/just not professional".

I too think it was rude in a business context - sorry OP.

He sounds like he was behaving badly, but you were unprofessional. And you are coming across a bit Lady Bountiful He Should Be Grateful which isn't nice.

When he was rude and aggressive to your junior colleague ideally you'd have stepped in politely to diffuse the situation then. Close the meeting, agree to discuss another time, ask him to put it in writing- loads of ways to retain the high ground.

"Have you got the hump today" sounds like a putdown my nan might use. "I feel we're not getting anywhere today as you seem quite agitated" would be direct and calling him out but very politely, for instance.

By suggesting he has the hump you implied he was being emotional and unreasonable.

See also people who ask women if they are hormonal.

It is belittling and it doesn't help your cause when addressing poor behaviour to compromise yourself that way.

If you've been pulled up on it, perhaps explain that to your boss and say that you realise even though he's usually someone who makes and can take a joke, you realise you misjudged your comment. Say that you were frustrated by his rudeness, particularly to the other staff member, but that you appreciate in hindsight that your comment didn't help matters. I think the key thing here is you explain to your boss why you said it, that you were taken back by his unreasonable behaviour, but that you have learnt from it and will deal with it better in future. Hopefully your boss will then understand the context of the difficult situation and realise you didn't mean to be rude.

Yes he sounds like he was an arse but you should have closed the meeting earlier as it obviously wasn't going any where....I think I would have said something about how he spoke to Junior member of staff there and then...

His organisation/charity obviously do think there is a problem with something - maybe ask him to bullet in an email in advance next time or something so you & them can deal with the points together maybe in a more effective way

I would have found your comment very rude -sorry think you've misjudged this one

You do though sound like you're wanting 'gratitude' as they are only a charity - I assume there is a reason they were chosen for your companies largesse...you do sound like you are taking it a bit personally..and if your organisation is happy with choices being made on your terms sack'em and that pick a different/more fawning one from your hundreds that phone....

So your options were cut the meeting or say what you did,which ended up with cutting the meeting anyway. Not very productive was it? I have a feeling you just wanted to get that comment out regardless of the outcome.

Sorry, YABU.

I sympathise with you. It's really hard to keep your cool when being treated so badly. But your words were not well chosen.

@averythinline I did defend junior member of staff earlier and have been thanked repeatedly by him, my boss has also thanked me re that and advised it was good I was there as junior member wouldn't have coped(so it's ok for me to go in firing line!) I really don't mean to sound like an arse re the charities, it is very difficult to explain without giving too much away other than to say it is very high profile and I created opportunities for charities out of things that already existed and yes we get at least 10-20 requests a week. It's not so much about being grateful but don't be so rude to people who want to help.

I'm clearly in the minority here but I still feel it was justified in the context.

Nearly everyone on the thread thinks it was rude/a bit rude doesn't that tell you something? I don't think it was a terrible thing to say but it wasn't great. It sounded petulant.

It's the sort of thing you say to your 3yo who's being stroppy not in a business meeting.

@Witchend I do spend a lot of time with 3 years olds to be fair it probably clouds my judgement ;)

It's not so much about being grateful but don't be so rude to people who want to help

But you're still missing the point op. No one disagrees with you there. The question uou asked was were you being unreasonable to be so pissed off you got spoken to by your supervisor about it or that even you said it in the first place and the overwhelming answer is yes, you're being unreasonable. It was an unprofessional way to handle this sort of conflict. It simply adds fuel to the fire.

I've also been in situations where people are being a total arsehole. And yes it's tough to keep calm and polite sometimes, but just as their bad behaviour relects on them, your bad behaviour reflects on you.

The fact they are a charity is really irrelevant. They should not be treated less by you than a paying client or a senior manager. If you don't know how to handle conflict then seek training. But arguing they are a charity, they should be grateful, his behaviour was bad, and you could have said worse isn't really going to help you going forward.

Shouldn't have said that, OP, although it's not the end of the world.
Assertively telling someone off is a fine art.

It's just so unprofessional.

I'm trying to imagine it being said in any of the seemingly bloody endless meetings I attend with customers, suppliers, charities, other functions, even own team meetings- and I can't imagine it would be acceptable in any

@Bluntness100 that was to set the scene of it - no one is paying anyone or contractually obliged.

If you can recommend any good conflict training then please do as it has really upset me.

In situations like this my go to phrase is 'is there a problem here?' The other person usually says something like 'what do you mean?' This is where I'd calmly say how rudely they are behaving etc.

Op. if your company doesn't offer it then google, there is plenty of courses available, even on line ones, conflict management, dispute resolution , the lot.

I've done the training, but years ago and my company offers it, but via an external provider. I can't recall who. I totally get it's tough to not react under fire.

Sometimes something as simple as taking a twenty min stretch break where each side regroups privately to decide on strategy for the meeting, or a break where you talk privately to the individual on how to move the meeting forward, or simply laying out the issues on a flip chart and then addressing one by one and resolving calmly can make a huge difference and turn a negative into a positive.

Often it's simply about trying to understand where the conflict is arising and why, understanding the other persons point of view so you can then agree next steps and deal with it positively.

@Moanyoldcow I normally say that too I'm not sure why I didn't!

"I said the hump comment because I believed he had a sense of humour".

But nobody is going to laugh at that are they? It isn't remotely amusing.

You were frustrated and made a snarky comment because of your frustration. It was a dig at him. Accept that and move on.

And nobody is going to say "Yes, I am in a mood about everything today. None of the points that I have raised thus far is actually valid" or "Ha, that's just so funny" and roar with laughter.

In fact, he was angered further and made a complaint to your boss. So the comment you made didn't work - it had no negative outcomes for him and one potentially serious one for you. Learn from this.

Can you ask your boss for further training about assertiveness? Would be good to turn this negative into a positive for you.

In situations like this my go to phrase is 'is there a problem here?' The other person usually says something like 'what do you mean?' This is where I'd calmly say how rudely they are behaving etc.

This is not the way to handle it in a meeting. It's simply a variation on what the op did and would still have resulted in the same outcome.

Irrelevant of the ops defensiveness, I'm guessing she wants to be able to handle it better in future and avoid escalation. This would have the opposite effect. You don't say to someone in a meeting like this how rudely they are behaving. It will simply embarrass the other person and escalate the situation. No one is going to react positively to publicly being told they are being rude. no one.

I've not had any negative reactions before. I am obviously tactful in my explanation but I will not be bullied by anyone, whether that's a work setting or otherwise.

Tone, body language etc is impossible to convey via a short paragraph; I can assure you no one has ever questioned my professionalism.