To expect a phone call/text before visiting me in hospital?

[sweetheart87]

I had my little girl by C. Section on Wednesday morning. We decided to not have visitors on Wednesday and to allow grandparents visit on Thursday. My mum and my husbands mum visited yesterday and stayed for a little while but my dad was working and couldn't make it.
Now the AIBU bit is my mum told me my dad was working most of the weekend and they would try visit again at some point so I said that's no problem but can you let me know if you're visiting as only 2 people are allowed visit at a time and also I really want to get breastfeeding established properly before going home so I won't be having visitors during feeding as I'm not comfortable feeding in front of people yet. Tonight I was in my cubicle topless feeding skin to skin and my dad walks in. I'm really upset and I had to stop feeding and then felt very uncomfortable for the entire visit. Im upset as he never sent a text to say he was visiting or planned to visit just arrived up. It's not the it's time this has been done a while back I was admitted in hospital overnight with severe vomitting in early pregnancy and my parents just arrived up without so much as a text to or phone call.

Nice that do many people have got wonderful parents that they are close to and actually would like there.
Some people don't want them there/are not close to them/ have body issues etc which may mean they don't want them there.
If that's how you feel yanbu op.
Congrats on the baby

YANBU. I don't know why people think it's ok to just barge in when you're in hospital. People who'd never dream of letting themselves into your house unannounced suddenly decide it's perfectly fine at a time when you're at your most vulnerable, exhausted and exposed. It's awful.

Years ago I spent a lot of time in hospital recovering from various surgeries. People wandered in when I was giving myself a sponge bath, they wandered in when I was half naked, they wandered in when I was using a bedpan or shuffling to the bathroom with my ass hanging out of the gown, they wandered in during examinations and they wandered in when I getting some much needed sleep. It was absolute hell, and there was nothing I could do. I've never felt so powerless. I told everyone I didn't want them to visit, but people think you just don't want to be a bother. I told the staff I didn't want any visitors except my DH, but they obviously had things to do beside guard my room during the entirety of visiting hours. I was drugged to high heaven, so telling people to GTFO didn't come out right if at all. I usually ended up crying with rage and frustration, which people took as a sign I needed them to stay and comfort me.

It takes 30 seconds to send a text asking if it's ok to visit at such and such time. Why wouldn't you do that instead of risking bothering someone at a time when they really don't need any extra concerns.

Can you imagine the indignant posts on here in 20 - 25 years, when all these new parents who want no visitors for 2 weeks, a strict visiting schedule etc, are mega pissed that their PFBs are now wanting the same thing and they can't visit or express their excitement at the arrival of their grandchild.

YANBU

I’m getting really pissed off with the attitude of some posters.

WateryTart ‘YABU and a bit precious’
StillDrivingMeBonkers ‘normal people want their parents round in times of ill health and stress.’
yayforsummer ‘They are your parents ffs.’
LagunaBubbles ‘It’s your dad for goodness sake.’

FreeNiki The op did not say she wanted her dad to sod off and leave her alone and she’s not being distant or intolerant.

BawbagBiggins The op did not say she doesn’t want any visits for 2 weeks or a strict visiting schedule.

The op is in a vulnerable, emotional state. Have some fucking compassion you dickheads! What happened made her feel uncomfortable during an already stressful time. She and her baby are the priority right now and I’m pretty sure her visitors would fully understand that.

Op if you’re in for much longer, please tell your visitors clearly to arrange the visits with you and to ask you if it’s okay before drawing the curtain, as it will only get more stressful the more times this happens. Do not feel guilty for putting yourself first right now. Maybe something along the lines of, ‘I’m really grateful that you’re coming to see me but can we arrange a time…’.

Yeah, very good AntagonyAunt.

'Hi dad, awful timing, can you give me some time to get sorted here please'

FFS - and I didn't say she had asked for those rules - just hope she is more than happy to follow whatever 'rules' her children wish to impose on her when her grandchildren arrive

Maybe she will Bawbag, because she knows more about being polite than most of the ignorant twats on this thread.

Let's hope so Queen - although how polite it is to call posters ignorant twats I'm not sure.

I wouldn't expect my parent to text me to arrange a time to come and see me,no.
I'd be rather hurt that they didn't just come.
Any time i've needed ops ( as an adult) they were there waiting.

I never said I was polite though Bawbag, I was talking about the poor OP!

I'm quite determined where my privacy is concerned. My family and friends respect that I don't like folks just dropping in, whether it's just for a cup of tea or just after childbirth. The OP is entitled to that level of consideration too. Just because somebody happens to be related to you doesn't excuse them from basic courtesy.

I get on really well with my parents but they would never visit me without asking even if I had a new baby. My dad's been in hospital recently and similarly i wouldn't go and see him without texting first. In fact I don't think anyone's ever visited me or I've visited them in hospital or at home without speaking to me first.

YANBU.

I would not expect a parent to text me first, but if I was sitting topless and trying to breastfeed I would expect them to leave the room/cubicle and ask if it was OK for them to be there or if I'd rather they went for a coffee and came back in a 30 minutes or so. Nobody has is 'entitled' to see their adult children in a state of undress, how silly.

I had people from work showing up in my hospital room after my C-section. My friend arrived four hours after the surgery so got to hold a bowl while I vomited into it and saw my catheter bag. I had much rather that hadn't happened and we never mentioned it. Some random who poached my best technician without even having the courtesy of a warning so I could replace him also turned up in my room as I was breastfeeding. He didn't leave either. Rude, rude, rude and as I had never met him before I have no idea why he decided to visit me at that time. It is still a mystery years later. Also two colleagues sat for three hours while I was desperate to sleep having had about half an hour the night before (twins who tag teamed me). One of them even took a little nap while they were there, to add insult to injury, and we ran out of conversation after about 40 minutes so it must have been very boring for them.

"Texting would not be possible with my parents. They just don't do technology at all. They have an old brick of a mobile phone which is hardly ever switched on and they wouldn't know what a text message was if one fell from the sky and landed on their heads."

My parents don't have mobiles. Last time one of them visited I had to stay in all day because they couldn't phone me to say when they were coming.

When I was in hospital and newly discharged, I let my mum/dh co-ordinate visitors so we weren't overwhelmed. People should offer to visit, not just show up. I know that I've been frustrated when a close friend was very restrictive about visitors post baby, but her needs outweighed my wants.

Yanbu. I had complete straight gers cming to see me. Somebody's neighbour, an aunts relative. ..I was a wreck after a hell ish c section .

Above should say strangers! Damn phone!

The only thing he did wrong was come through closed curtains.

Maybe you should have told staff you didn't want visitors. It's perfectly normal to go at visiting times, especially as your mum had already been.

How did we manage before constant communication...

I don't get the oh your parents shouldn't give you privacy.

I knock on my dc's door and wait to be asked in before going in, they're early teens and twelve.

If the OP has made clear she wanted to be contacted first instead of her parents dropping in then she has every right to have her wishes being respected.

Some of us are happy to have an audience whilst having episiotomies stitched up, some of us do not like to have people present whilst breast feeding. That's absolutely fine and one doesn't get to rubbish the others needs.

OP YANBU, tell them to not visit till you're home. At least then you can shut yourself away in your bedroom or your DH can ensure they leave when you need time to rest, bf.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

I am really surprised at the people who are saying the OP is being unreasonable. She is not saying she doesn't want to see her dad- she's just had major surgery and is trying to establish breastfeeding and just wants some warning.

Your feelings are just that and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is reasonable, you just gave birth!

I can't believe the hard time you have got in the replies. I get both sides, yes DF must have been excited to meet the new arrival and it isn't just any old visitor. However in this case the only person who's needs trump yours are your baby's!

And even before mobile phones it was possible to be polite enough to at the very least stop and call through the curtain before barging into the cubicle.

Have a word with them or get DH to. It's probably only the beginning of the interference, you need to set (reasonable) boundaries from the start.

And congratulations! Enjoy this wonderful time

I think YABU, sorry. I'm not sure how it could have made any difference if he had texted, you could hardly refuse to feed baby for the duration of his visit.

Feeding won't be properly established for around six weeks either so it's going to be a bit restrictive if you won't breastfeed in front of anyone. Even after that, until baby weans you will be called upon to flash your boobs at very frequent intervals.

allowisthinkalot so what? It is the OP's choice who she feeds in front of. Barging through a closed curtain around a hospital bed is stupid and thoughtless.

Who would walk through a closed curtain in the days after someone has had a baby? Th OP had no top on, how many people here would feel comfortable in front of their dad being topless? She also could have been having her wound checked, be showing a midwife how much she's bleeding with her knickers down or anything.

It's not acceptable to walk in on anyone behind a closed curtain without asking if it's OK and the person is decent (in the patient's opinion).

Allow showing a bit of breast while breastfeeding is very different to being topless while feeding. I'm guessing the OP isn't planning on being topless when being visited by family and friends when feeding.

Would you barge into someone's bedroom without knocking because in my opinion going through hospital curtains without checking is just the same.

you could hardly refuse to feed baby for the duration of his visit.

No, but she could have fed the baby up until the time he arrived (had he been courteous enough to text an ETA, which he should have, or at the very least gave a "hello" from the other side of the curtain.

Then, if the baby wanted to be fed again during the visiting hour slot, then she could have said goodbye to her dad.

It is perfectly, perfectly possible to establish breastfeeding in the first six weeks without having to sit and feed in front of anyone bar your DH.

I wish people would stop telling OP that she's "going to have to get used to it". No, she doesn't, and you're probably putting her off breastfeeding altogether saying that.