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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a phone call/text before visiting me in hospital?

121 replies

sweetheart87 · 31/03/2017 23:15

I had my little girl by C. Section on Wednesday morning. We decided to not have visitors on Wednesday and to allow grandparents visit on Thursday. My mum and my husbands mum visited yesterday and stayed for a little while but my dad was working and couldn't make it.
Now the AIBU bit is my mum told me my dad was working most of the weekend and they would try visit again at some point so I said that's no problem but can you let me know if you're visiting as only 2 people are allowed visit at a time and also I really want to get breastfeeding established properly before going home so I won't be having visitors during feeding as I'm not comfortable feeding in front of people yet. Tonight I was in my cubicle topless feeding skin to skin and my dad walks in. I'm really upset and I had to stop feeding and then felt very uncomfortable for the entire visit. Im upset as he never sent a text to say he was visiting or planned to visit just arrived up. It's not the it's time this has been done a while back I was admitted in hospital overnight with severe vomitting in early pregnancy and my parents just arrived up without so much as a text to or phone call.

OP posts:

2410ang · 01/04/2017 08:10

YANBU at all.

I do wonder whether all of those pp who see nothing wrong with unannounced visitors would feel quite the same if they were in op's position, legs akimbo having their stitches checked when in strolls DF

ExitPursuedByUser54321 · 01/04/2017 08:13

How did we manage before mobile phones?

BipBippadotta · 01/04/2017 08:14

YANBU at all! I hate nothing more than a surprise visit at the best of times. People popping in when I'm half naked and exhausted and recovering from an operation and feeling vulnerable is my idea of hell, baby or no baby, family or not. It's not remotely hard to call or text and agree a time to visit. I don't understand why someone would not do this.

sonyaya · 01/04/2017 08:15

2410ang

Sorry but that's a terrible analogy.

Ward staff won't let someone into the patient when there's treatment going on. The curtain will be pulled round.

Someone might text in advance be told it's ok to visit and happen to get to the hospital when the examination is taking place.

Paninotogo · 01/04/2017 08:17

My FIL was in the room when my dd was born. And my dm and MIL. I can't say I would have been upset by someone wanting to meet my baby immediately, whatever part of my body was on show.

SharkBastard · 01/04/2017 08:18

The OP didn't say she didn't want her dad visiting FFS. She just wanted some notice which I think in a vulnerable position of having had a c section and trying to breastfeed a newborn is pretty fucking acceptable!

LadyPW · 01/04/2017 08:20

I didn't even know you could text someone in hospital - I thought mobiles had to be turned off! I do get not wanting visitors without warning (I'm like that in normal life) & I wouldn't want people turning up when I was half-naked, but I'd have assumed that visitors did turn up unexpectedly in hospital (within set visiting hours) and that there wouldn't have been anything I could do about it. I'd guess that your father just didn't think - I know mine wouldn't.

XiCi · 01/04/2017 08:20

I wouldn't like unannounced friends/distant relatives to turn up but your own father is completely different. If my mum had told me that my dad was working but would try hard to get in to see us then I'd expect a visit and would not be bothered in the slightest about my dad not texting. My dad would just want to check I was OK and see his grandchild. So yes, another YABU

JassyRadlett · 01/04/2017 08:21

Ward staff won't let someone into the patient when there's treatment going on. The curtain will be pulled round.

So - fine if naked from the waist up, not fine if naked from the waist down?

Okaaaaay....

Wando1986 · 01/04/2017 08:21

If baby is cluster feeding the whole time you're there you would be feeding. He's your Dad, and he's excited, give over. You could've told the ward staff no unannounced visitors and it wouldn't have happened.

Mu123 · 01/04/2017 08:23

My parents never let me know they were visiting after having the dc. Thats fine, im their daughter and they wanted peace of mind that all was ok.

In fact, my dad was in the room while i was haemmorhaging, legs akimbo. Cant say i was really arsed.

londonrach · 01/04/2017 08:25

Yabu re the text. Its your dad. Just say no hospital visits like i did if you dont want visitors. Congratulations on your new born x

BipBippadotta · 01/04/2017 08:30

You could've told the ward staff no unannounced visitors and it wouldn't have happened.

Not at any hospital I've ever been at! Ward staff are far too thin on the ground / busy with other things to be patients' personal bouncers.

As with a lot of things, I think this situation really depends on how good your family is with boundaries and respecting your general wishes / privacy to begin with (mine is terrible, which is why I will always err on the side of keeping people the fuck away - sounds like OPs are similar). That's great if it doesn't bother you to have your parents and in-laws watching you haemmorrhage - but not everyone has that cosy a relationship.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 01/04/2017 08:31

It's not the it's time this has been done a while back I was admitted in hospital overnight with severe vomitting in early pregnancy and my parents just arrived up without so much as a text to or phone call.

Your parent must be utter bastards, giving a shit about you. Perhaps you could cut them off and save them the bother. {sarcasm}

Normal people want their parents round in times of ill health and stress.

PotteringAlong · 01/04/2017 08:33

But she wasn't in this position. She was feeding her baby...

SpookyPotato · 01/04/2017 08:34

YANBU. I'm so glad I had no visitors after my section, I was in no state to see people and just wanted to be left to recover, bleed, leak, be half naked, breastfeed, walk hunched over, be hooked up to stuff in peace. It's not the norm though, everyone round me had a constant flood of visitors and I felt for the mums when I talked to them, they just wanted rest and to be left alone. However if my parents were around I wouldn't have minded them coming but mum would have sent me a text beforehand.

Meluzyna · 01/04/2017 08:36

Congratulations on your baby, but I'm afraid I think that your Dad is not just "anybody": he's your Dad - not your annoying B-i-L or NDN's husband.
There is no need to be "topless" to BF - and a doctor or nurse could have walked in on you while you were feeding too. The time when your nipples are exposed is absolutely minimal - and when the baby is feeding no more is visible than if you were wearing a low cut top.

I'm afraid you are about to discover that you will never be certain of being uninterrupted at any time of the day or night....for at least the next 18 years..... including (probably for five or six years) trips to the toilet (which in my opinion are far more "private" than flashing a bit of boob).
You need to learn to just carry on and you will find that no one oggles you - BF is the most natural thing in the world, but it simply isn't practical to insist on doing it "behind closed doors".

BipBippadotta · 01/04/2017 08:44

Nice job, StillDriving, telling a new mother who's just had a c section she's abnormal for being upset not to have had a bit of advance notice of visitors, when she's specifically and politely asked for it.

ImGonnaSingTheDoomSongNow · 01/04/2017 08:50

Oh meluzyna, maybe you have never breastfed or maybe you did and found it super easy from the get go but it can be really hard at first and being topless makes it easier to see what you are doing. And get used to the process so you're not worrying about faffing with bits of clothes as well as getting baby and boob in the right position.

I would be embarrassed at my dad walking in on me topless. I don't think it's too much to ask for a heads up if someone is visiting, whether family or not. And even if they turn up unannounced to not walk in through a bloody closed curtain without asking first.

A dr or nurse popping round the curtain is entirely different and actually when I was in hospital after having DD they did always check it was ok to enter! It's the only tiny bit of privacy you get.

Also all those people saying ooh he's just an excited grandad, why does his excitement and wanting to see the baby, trump his daughter's request??

Did he apologise at all OP? My dad would have been just as embarrassed as me in that situation and would have given a very flustered sorry.

It's not the end of the world but I totally understand why you are upset.

Congratulations on you baby

OlennasWimple · 01/04/2017 08:52

The problem was when your DF just came into the cubicle, rather than standing outside letting you know he was there and asking if he could come him

Writerwannabe83 · 01/04/2017 08:56

Do you know for definite that your mum passed on the message to your dad that you wanted him to call/text beforehand?

0nTheEdge · 01/04/2017 09:10

Erm, how could OP have easily done skin to skin and bf whilst fully clothed? She had every right to bond with her baby like that in the privacy of her cubicle, and skin to skin can help to establish feeding. In my experience doctors and nurses ask before pulling back curtains or walking through. DF should have at least done this, but i doubt it was malicious just unthoughtful. I can totally see why op was upset though.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/04/2017 09:22

I agree with the others. I wouldn't expect a parent (or other person close to me) to have to text / message / ask before visiting me. Indeed, I would be very sad if any of them felt they couldn't just drop in.

I agree.

You could've told the ward staff no unannounced visitors and it wouldn't have happened.

Pretty sure ward staff have or should have better things to do than to vet visitors and ask to see their formal invitation.

SpookyPotato · 01/04/2017 09:35

Meluzyna
I definitely had to get my full boob out to feed and they were huge so very in your face! Was I doing it wrong
I didn't care if doctors/midwives saw me, don't care if my kids see it, I wouldn't have wanted my dad to see that..

Universitychallenging · 01/04/2017 09:36

I wouldn't think I had to text or phone to visit someone at visiting time in hospital.

the only thing you dad did wrong was go past the cubicle curtains.

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