To expect a phone call/text before visiting me in hospital?

[sweetheart87]

I had my little girl by C. Section on Wednesday morning. We decided to not have visitors on Wednesday and to allow grandparents visit on Thursday. My mum and my husbands mum visited yesterday and stayed for a little while but my dad was working and couldn't make it.
Now the AIBU bit is my mum told me my dad was working most of the weekend and they would try visit again at some point so I said that's no problem but can you let me know if you're visiting as only 2 people are allowed visit at a time and also I really want to get breastfeeding established properly before going home so I won't be having visitors during feeding as I'm not comfortable feeding in front of people yet. Tonight I was in my cubicle topless feeding skin to skin and my dad walks in. I'm really upset and I had to stop feeding and then felt very uncomfortable for the entire visit. Im upset as he never sent a text to say he was visiting or planned to visit just arrived up. It's not the it's time this has been done a while back I was admitted in hospital overnight with severe vomitting in early pregnancy and my parents just arrived up without so much as a text to or phone call.

YABU, don't you realise now you've had a baby you and said baby are basically public property for anyone to coo over at any time they wish?!

Of course your dad sould have texted, takes a moment and apart from anything else, missed a chance to check if there was anything you needed from the outside world (I got my mum to bring me in a can of G&T! Then realised probably wasn't the best idea with all the painkillers I was on!)

Mobile phones do not have to be off in all areas of a hospital any more. Just on silent. That is how I have mine, though if required then of course I would turn it off.

When I have been in hospital they have been the accepted norm for communication with home and family. Gone are the days when you had to use a payphone that was wheeled around from bed to bed on a trolley, thank god.

YANBU. I hate visitors that just drop by at home, never mind if I were ill and vulnerable. I would like at least a text before coming even if it was from the carpark, cause then you can say "oh fab yes" or "actually can you give us 5 minutes" or whatever.

Most visitors I would want a pre arranged visit for, but not my dad! YABU.

YABU (3 sections here). Although your dad should have called from outside the curtain. But he's a man and I often find them a bit useless on social etiquette. You couldn't have preplanned a time you wouldn't be breastfeeding anyway.

Oh and

Normal people want their parents round in times of ill health and stress.

WTF? My parents love(d) and care(d) about me, but if they had been there while I was being episiotomy-ed and having my placenta manually removed, or while my crying newborn was confined to a jauntice treatment lamp (so most of the 3 days after birth) my mum would have coped by going into full speed, full volume auto-whitter, stressing us both out; and my (now late) dad would have tried to fix things by finding someone to shout at or punch.
Birth and the immediate aftermath is not automatically a spectator sport!

I wouldn't expect parents or DH to text ahead. Also it's impossible to predict when you're going to be breastfeeding- that's up to the baby- so how could you ok a convenient visiting time in advance?

This isn't difficult OP. If you don't want to see, them tell them you don't want to see them. They are not mind readers.

I think YANBU. I hate unannounced visits, wherever they may be. You have just been through a huge, traumatic, life changing event and regardless of who they are, people should be considerate and check when it's okay to visit.

YANBU. I remember feeling exactly as you do. Its also a teary, slightly overwhelming time for no apparent reason, when the rest of the world tell you how easy it all is.

Some mums are clearly happy to share from the get go, I was more like you. I wanted baby to myself to say hi, and get to know her and her me, those first few weeks. I was teary for ages, not PND, just young and attempting to navigate this whole new world thats instantly happened overnight.

Congrats on beautiful baby. Youre will indeed be very happy to hand baby over to caring relatives soon, just not yet. Shes yours today and you should be allowed to have this time. Ask for no more visitors for a week xx

I hated having visitors in hospital after giving birth..HATED it...bloody inlaws turned up every time..I always bleed heavily for first few days and I'm always stuck not able to move if I've leaked...never occurred to them to ask if it was ok

YANBU my parents step parent and sister all turned up at the end of visiting hours unannounced (they'd text to ask what visiting hours were and my DP said he would find out and let them know hoping to put them off to following day) it was the day baby was born - emsc under GA still had no knickers on and bleeding onto bed. boobs half out trying to establish feeding. catheter still in. I'm close to my family but did not want them there when I was in that state esp as it was end of visiting hours do my DP was going to have to leave to leave shortly which I was upset about. this time we will tell them when is a good time to visit and make it clear that we don't wants lots of hospital visitors.

excited grandparents or not they should ask if and when is a good time to visit. YANBU.

Been 23 years since I was in hospital having my son, my parents came in with a couple of friends they were close to, it was uncomfortable and embarrassing, and my mum kept telling me to pull bottom of my nighty down(had a catheter and drain in)
But, my parents are now dead and looking back I've forgiven them completely - was their first and only grandchild and they loved him so much,no wonder they were excited and eager to see him
You'll remember your feelings but try to forgive your family, some things really don't matter after a while

Yanbu. I was back in hospital with my son, spent a long time away from home in Bristol children's hospital then when I got back to local hospital visiting time was at 2 and everyone turned up at the same time so I got told off. I was expressing while we were in hospital and one afternoon my dh nan and partner turned up without saying anything. You have to make an appointment with them to drop off a birthday present so I found it surprising.

Actually, thinking it through, although I don't think it's reasonable to expect your Dad to pre-arrange a visit I do agree with those who say he should not just "barge in" but wait outside the curtain if it's closed when he arrives. This would go for any "visitor" - because they can't be certain you are not having an intimate examination.

FWIW I did BF.... what I meant about "having your boobs out" (that someone queried) was that the "private" part of a breast is the nipple: which will be hidden by the baby's mouth ... the rest is just "cleavage" and a great deal will be shielded from view by the baby's body anyway. And no member of your family will be looking at your boobs: their eyes will be focussed on the baby and / or your face.

was admitted in hospital overnight with severe vomitting in early pregnancy and my parents just arrived up without so much as a text to or phone call.

Yabu
They are your parents ffs

YANBU OP, it's a very vulnerable time. I would have felt exactly the same as you, embarrassed and reliving the mortification and feeling upset the whole way through the visit.

Your dad should have given you a shout before coming round the curtain.

All those people saying "you're just feeding your baby", well, yes, but when you're just learning and still not comfortable with it, it doesn't feel that way. It still feels like something you want to do in private.

I still very rarely feed in front of anyone other than DP or my mum (baby 4 months old) so no, you don't "have to get used to it". You can do it privately if you want to. Choosing to breastfeed doesn't mean you also have to sign up to pushing the breastfeeding cause by feeding publicly anywhere/everywhere and in front of other people if you're not comfortable with that.

I was quite happy to get my boobs out in front of m.w she has seen everything else she delivered my baby, nurses fine I'm not even bothered in front of my mum and I'm fine at him with my other children but I wouldn't want my dad or f.i.l walking in on me. It's hard trying to get breastfeeding established when your tired and sore.

Yabu. Its your Dad for goodness same, I'm another one that's never really got all the angst surrounding this either. But this is MN so you will have lots of "your baby your rules" posters to support you.

But I do think he should have said he was there before coming round the curtain though!

It's strange really. That new baby you're so close to: in 30 years time it could be her writing I wish my mum and dad would text first or just sod off and leave me alone.

How do we get so distant and formal and intolerant even with parents.

YANBU
Can't for the life of me understand those thinking just because you've had a baby and the grandparents are excited suddenly they get priority over you?!

Hospital regular, and my parents will ALWAYS call or text me or my partner to check if I'm up to a visit, if I need anything, and when's best to pop in. It's not being distant, it's being ducking considerate of your vulnerable daughter.

freeniki A parent (or anyone!) texting "are you alright for a visit later on love, is there anything you need?" does not equal a formal, distant or intolerant relationship Probably the opposite..

YANBU a quick text to say he was coming, a 'knock, knock' outside the curtain. All it took was a bit of courtesy. Instead he barged over then barged in.

I dont get all this 'oh, he's just excited to meet his grandchild' stuff. He's a grown man not an overexcited toddler.

You have just had a baby not become an exhibit at a zoo.

How do we get so distant and formal and intolerant even with parents

It's not distant and formal and intolerant to dislike surprises and like privacy.

Many people don't like it when someone just drops in, even less so when they're vulnerable in hospital. Some people do like it, which is fine. The OP doesn't like it, and she doesn't have to - it doesn't make her intolerant to want a bit of warning and the option to refuse visitors.