For being annoyed at BIL for catching HIV?

[ragz134]

Or is it "victim blaming"?
BIL got into a relationship last year, he knew the guy was HIV+ before they started a sexual relationship. We said at the time it shouldn't put him off the guy, as long as they stay "safe" then it would be very difficult to catch. He gets regular STI checks and so has found out last week that he's caught HIV. He's admitted they weren't being careful... DH (his twin) and I had a feeling this would happen as BIL doesn't seem to take anything seriously!
AIBU to be really annoyed at his irresponsible behaviour? He already had HepC from sharing needles years ago just got the all clear on that last year. He lives with in-laws (he's nearly 40) and doesn't work (gets disability benefit for addiction and HepC?!) apart from running a business from home but rarely does any work for it so has months of work built up.
MIL (who is already pissed off with him for ignoring his customers and not working) has just been diagnosed with aggressive BC so we can't tell her, it will have to be kept secret for a while.
I know it's not actually any of my business, I shouldn't spend my energy being pissed off at him and it won't affect my life at all I don't suppose... But I am still annoyed. IABU and judgemental aren't I?

I got Hep C.

I don't know if it was via a blood transfusion aged 16 when I had a tumour or from becoming a heroin addict a few yrs later.

The stigma of having a BBV was the worst thing about it. People thinking it's ok to ask "how I got it" and potential partners running a mile thinking it was sexually transmitted (it's not).

This thread shows there is still a lot of ignorance around BBV's which makes me feel very sad.

""Why are we bothering to teach our children to be safe and always practice safe sex if people on here are just preaching 'it's actually ok cos they probably won't catch it?!!' ""

Because it's part of the prevention. However, it's less risky to have sex, under certain conditions, with someone being treated for HIV, than a random, who doesn't know their Status.

OP, it can take years, sometimes over ten, or the Virus to show itself. Testing isn't always reliable, because of the difference in how individuals body handles the Virus.

Some people don't need treatment for ten years + after exposure, others would die (without treatment) in that time.

If you've ever had unprotected sex, within at least two years of meeting someone, you've took a chance on becoming HIV +.

That's how ridiculous judgement is. Go to A&E tomorrow, at least 70% of what people are in with could be avoided.

Is his partner not on treatment for his HIV? if he is taking ART and is undetectable it is highly unlikely that your brother in law have contrasted the virus from him, he must have either already had it or have got it from a different source. Either than or his partner has not been taking his medication properly. Either way he is a grown man and it really doesn't have anything to do with you. Perhaps this will be a wake up call for him to start looking after his health properly, in which case he will live a long and healthy life and die a long time from now from something completely unrelated to HIV.

Birds you are incorrect in saying that HIV can take two years to 'show itself'. Symptoms can take a while to show up but 4th generation HIV testing is reliable at 28 days from the time of infection. Even the three month follow up test is the WHO recommendation lagging behind how accurate the new generation tests are.

Why would you jump to the conclusion that op's fb became infected by someone else when he's in a sexual relationship with a person who he already knows to be HIV+??

Sharing needles and the fact the op did mention he went for HIV checks before meeting him. Why does he need a check if he's not sexually active. He could have received a false positive it does take a long time to show in the blood. A previous poster is HIV+ and had children and they came out healthy.

I'd have to really dig deep to find sympathy for him.

He knew what the risks were and didn't care. Hopefully he won't pass it on

And lo, all these holier than thou types in this thread are warming the cockles tonight. Every single person here handing out judgements, I suppose you have never - not even once - had unprotected sex with a new partner before seeing the results of their STI screening! We've all rolled the dice at some point, whether we get away with it or not is simply a matter of chance. The fastest growing rate of HIV diagnoses in this country are middle aged heterosexuals. People with HIV are not all drug addicts or reckless bed-hopping gays. They are people just like you who never thought it would happen to them.

Irrelevant actually as this post is about a drug addict who knowingly hopped into bed with an hiv positive person and admits to not having taken adequate precautions despite having been asked by his family to do so.

Imamouseduh no one is saying that they have never been reckless. I suppose the shock of someone having sexual relations with someone who is HIV+. Where I'm coming from is he knew about it and he may not have caught it from him. To bring up the fact he's gay is not even worth talking about I have heard more stories of straight men passing HIV on to their partners without their partners knowing about their infection. At least he knew so he could make a decision and that's important.

busyboysmum you took the words right out of my mouth, absolutely agree. This thread is about one guy who was complacent about his health and knowingly put himself at risk of infection by having unprotected sex.

People are going off on a tangent

Well I hope you never twist an ankle after a glass of wine too many, wind up with any lifestyle-related cancers, or heart disease/diabetes from getting too fat. Because you'll have brought it on yourself knowingly.

YANBU - it was stupid and irresponsible of him. I happily 'judge' people who have unprotected sex if there are risks.

Obviously you can't say that out loud in real life though. 🙊 🤷🏻‍♀️

In real life you keep quiet and be supportive.

We've all rolled the dice at some point, whether we get away with it or not is simply a matter of chance

Unprotected sex with another man who you know was HIV+ means the dice were loaded. It was irresponsible.

I think its victim blaming the way it was phrased by suggesting breast cancer could possibly have neen avoided. I thought that was very distasteful.

Yanbu OP

Would you be this annoyed with a woman who got herself pregnant for "not being careful" or would you accept what had happened and offer support? Just wondering...

He's 40. He lives at home with his parents. He struggles to hold down a job or take care of himself. Has been single for 10 years. He's gay. He is good at researching things and at following a routine (taking medication for hep C). He's an addict.

He's autistic! Research it and give him a break.

He needs your support at this time, not your opinion about what he did. He might have made a choice that you don't like or approve of, but it still doesn't mean that he won't need understanding or support after making a wrong choice.

So many people have unprotected sex and although they know the risks, they never think anything bad will happen until it does.

The stigma of having a BBV was the worst thing about it. People thinking it's ok to ask "how I got it" and potential partners running a mile thinking it was sexually transmitted (it's not)
Whilst I can understand that it must be horrible to have a BBV and face the stigma, current NHS advice is that although the risk is very low, Hepatitis C CAN BE transmitted through unprotected sex.

One of the main issues that I have with threads like this one is that some of the advice while well-intentioned is not always totally accurate and I would hate for people to take anything that they read in a thread like this as accurate.

Hepatitis C can be transmitted through unprotected sex if bleeding occurs through injury. Similar to sharing straws when using cocaine, another known transmission route. It doesn't need to be a big or noticeable injury.
As to how I would feel about this individual, yes I would feel he is responsible to some extent and I probably would feel a slight amount of irritation. It is becoming increasingly obvious that many diseases are preventable to some extent .I'm an exsmoker (and I mean heavy). So far I've been lucky but if I do develop lung cancer then I know I will probably have brought it on myself by smoking, at a time when it was known that smoking is a major cause of lung cancer.
That's life, we all need to take more responsibility for our long term health. There's no need for any group of people to be singled out though.

Yes Hep C is transmitted via blood - NOT vaginal fluids which HIV is.

I was told by the liver consultant that my ex husband and I did not need to use condoms the risk was that low.

The bigger risk is toothbrushes and razors etc.

I am pretty sure I know more about Hep C than most people in this thread having lived with it for the best part of 18 years.

I think there's a long way to go before HIV isn't stigmatised - it's still associated with lots of risky sex or drug taking, both of which carry little sympathy with the general public. Plus a lot of people still remember those really frightening adverts from the 80's ( don't die of ignorance / tombstone advert ) & yes, we've come a long way ( thankfully ) in treating HIV so it is now a very treatable condition - but the stigma is very much still there.

""Birds you are incorrect in saying that HIV can take two years to 'show itself'. Symptoms can take a while to show up but 4th generation HIV testing is reliable at 28 days from the time of infection. Even the three month follow up test is the WHO recommendation lagging behind how accurate the new generation tests are.""

I worked as a 'buddy' to people with HIV and their families. You may be working in the field, but that's what we've been told at Liverpool Infecious Diseases and that been the experience of many.

There's been teens diagnosed, who've had it from birth. I was told that 17 had been their oldest. It can lay 'dormant/hide', in some people.

I've also attended trials with my Service Users, were they've had the swabs and as said, not everyone carries it the same.

Some people are diagnosed because they've had Molluscum Contagiousum, that get worse. One lady that I went with, had been infected for around eight years at this stage and had tested negative, previously.

Crowdblundering

armani Utter bollocks - depends what damage the virus did when it was active which is monitored via liver biopsies every 5 years.

So what's the biggest cause of liver transplants if it's not hep C then?