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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For being annoyed at BIL for catching HIV?

115 replies

ragz134 · 31/03/2017 18:45

Or is it "victim blaming"?
BIL got into a relationship last year, he knew the guy was HIV+ before they started a sexual relationship. We said at the time it shouldn't put him off the guy, as long as they stay "safe" then it would be very difficult to catch. He gets regular STI checks and so has found out last week that he's caught HIV. He's admitted they weren't being careful... DH (his twin) and I had a feeling this would happen as BIL doesn't seem to take anything seriously!
AIBU to be really annoyed at his irresponsible behaviour? He already had HepC from sharing needles years ago just got the all clear on that last year. He lives with in-laws (he's nearly 40) and doesn't work (gets disability benefit for addiction and HepC?!) apart from running a business from home but rarely does any work for it so has months of work built up.
MIL (who is already pissed off with him for ignoring his customers and not working) has just been diagnosed with aggressive BC so we can't tell her, it will have to be kept secret for a while.
I know it's not actually any of my business, I shouldn't spend my energy being pissed off at him and it won't affect my life at all I don't suppose... But I am still annoyed. IABU and judgemental aren't I?

OP posts:

Instasista · 31/03/2017 21:16

If he's an addict his life is probably fairly chaotic. What a shame though that he's caught 2 easily avoidable virus'

danTDM · 31/03/2017 21:16

There is a brand new drug for Hep C which works in 90% of cases.

My husband just cleared it, after 40 years. (Dodgy doctor injection with infected needle when he was 10, in Spain.) He has chirrosis from it though

He'd tried every drug before now and they hadn't worked it's been a looooooooong journey.

VestalVirgin · 31/03/2017 21:16

YANBU. Perhaps it is not his fault that he fails at life and can't hold a job, but it wouldn't have been so hard to at least ask his partner to take virus-suppressing medication and use condoms.

Many diseases have lifestyle factors. Is BC breast cancer? Because that has lifestyle factors.

THAT is victim blaming.

Breast cancer is mostly influenced by hormones. I suppose women have a choice of getting their ovaries removed, but ... seriously!

Instasista · 31/03/2017 21:17

(In this country at least, I'd rather have hiv than diabetes tbh)

meadowlark3 · 31/03/2017 21:21

I wouldn't be cross with BIL but instead worried for him. If his partner has HIV and passed it on to BIL, that likely means it's not well controlled...that is, he is not on medication for it and may have other health issues going on as well. If his bf is HIV+ and on appropriate medication his viral load should be undetectable, meaning the chance of passing HIV on is zero. I would wonder if something else was going on with BIL, if he got it earlier, was using IV needles again, etc... Hep C is also much worse than HIV these days.

Sorry to hear about your MIL and wish your family the best.

BabychamSocialist · 31/03/2017 21:23

Also, if your BIL is an addict to something involving needles, it's more likely he got it from a needle than someone successfully living with HIV and taking medication for it.

Now, if the NHS would just get off its backside and make PrEP available in the same way the morning after pill is available, we wouldn't have these kinds of issues.

Slowly getting PrEP rolled out though across the NHS so HIV infections will drop massively in the coming years. A guy in London basically set up his own clinic with the help of a doctor to provide people with PrEP and the percentage of HIV diagnoses dropped to a tiny amount.

Renaissance2017 · 31/03/2017 21:27

The one post which has any substance and insight is Cocoamadness.

Of course its victim blaming and you OP, have made this all about you not him.

TwattyMcTwatface · 31/03/2017 21:27

It's very lucky he's in the UK (I assume) as indeed, HIV is largely seen as a chronic condition. Lots of people being very blase here, though- in much of the developing world, it is still seen as something of a death sentence, and colleagues from areas like this often comment to me how cavalier people are about the virus in places where there's easy, free access to an appropriate treatment regime. I too would be crabby if a friend or family member got infected through their own behaviour in this country - but certainly, as an IV drug user, it's by no means certain that his boyfriend infected him.

PersianCatLady · 31/03/2017 21:36

We should all be annoyed at your BIL as it costs at present about 300K of taxpayer/NHS money for lifetime treatment for something that should have been avoided
I thought that too.

HorridHenryrule · 31/03/2017 21:41

Medicine has come a long way cocoamadness post was nice to read. The op is allowed to have her feelings as well its a shock but once she starts researching and reading about it her fears will disappear. It would be a shock to anyone at first we are only human at the end of the day.

HorridHenryrule · 31/03/2017 21:43

We should all be annoyed at your BIL as it costs at present about 300K of taxpayer/NHS money for lifetime treatment for something that should have been avoided

There is only one response to this post and its my very first .

LucieLucie · 31/03/2017 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

busyboysmum · 31/03/2017 21:50

We should all be annoyed at your BIL as it costs at present about 300K of taxpayer/NHS money for lifetime treatment for something that should have been avoided

Yes completely agree with this. He doesn't sound like he's making a fabulous contribution to society. Your poor MIL.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 31/03/2017 21:54

OP, you say that BIL caught Hep C from sharing needles with an older brother. Then also that your DH (his twin) got himself away from heroin for the sake of yourself & your DCs.

Does this mean all three brothers were heroin addicts?

Are both BILs now clean? (The older & DHs twin). If not, or if BIL in question occasionally relapses, I also think it much more likely that he caught HIV from a shared needle than a partner receiving treatment for known HIV infection.

TBH, I do think YABU to be annoyed with BIL. It's his life. I'm not saying you should have endless sympathy for him - but it's really not your place to be annoyed at him.

HorridHenryrule · 31/03/2017 21:56

Lucielucie Your post was childish and uncalled for (deleted post). Look at the famous actor who is HIV+ had sex with a nurse unprotected and she didn't catch anything. She wasn't advocating anything she has lived with it for a long time herself and gave birth to healthy children who didn't catch it.

The op doesn't know about his sex life he could have caught it from someone else who may not have known they had it. I did ask myself why does he need to get checked regularly if he wasn't with anyone before meeting his boyfriend. He could have caught it from anywhere and if his boyfriend was taking care of himself and taking his medication then it may not have been him who gave it to him.

BabychamSocialist · 31/03/2017 21:59

Oh look the Nazis have turned up. "He isn't making a contribution to society!"

Oh well fuck me, let's just send ill people to the gas camps, eh? Look, we treat people for preventable illnesses like Type 2 diabetes, falling over drunk and breaking your leg etc, so we can treat someone for HIV too. Yes, it's preventable but that's not the point.

Birdsgottaf1y · 31/03/2017 22:01

"" I too would be crabby if a friend or family member got infected through their own behaviour in this country ""

I think that attitude is fine, as long as you'd think the same if someone got Cancer, or had injuries from a stupid accident etc.

The difference between a Cancer Clinic and a HIV clinic, is that one set of patients is surrounded by supportive family/friends and the others have a isolating condition that carries a stigma, which will bring judgement upon them.

OP, it isn't as simple as them now having 'safe' unprotected sex, they can still be at risk. You may feel better if you get more information on the condition.

Not everyone carries the virus in their vagina/anus. That's one of the reasons, some people don't pose a risk. As well as Viral Load being very low.

Has your MIL possibly caused her Cancer in anyway?

It sums up the attitude towards HIV, when posters are saying that it's MIL that needs the support and him the judgement.

He does sound very troubled. I'd look at him with sadness, tbh.

HorridHenryrule · 31/03/2017 22:01

If he's still addicted and injecting that is a possibility I highly doubt he caught it from his boyfriend.

Leftfootsayshi · 31/03/2017 22:06

Stating that cancer has lifestyle factors is scientific fact, not victim blaming.

busyboysmum · 31/03/2017 22:07

I'm not a Nazi. Blimey what an over reaction. I just think the op has got every right to feel pissed off with him. He's an adult and at some point people have to take responsibility for their own lives. Sounds as if he's been bailed out at every turn.

StrangeLookingParasite · 31/03/2017 22:09

Even when it's treated there's still a high chance of getting cirrhosis and needing a liver transplant

This is not true.

Original poster

ragz134 · 31/03/2017 22:11

Horridhenryrule - to answer your question, actually their up bringing was a lot less chaotic than my own. 4 children, their sister has no issues regarding drugs and has always worked. However, the brothers did all get into drugs together at around the same time, eldest first. Not like they all seperately developed drug problems.

I had alcoholic parents who were drug dealers at points in my teens and happily gave me cocaine when I was 15... I never developed a drug problem! So I'm not sure upbringing us everything...

It's interesting to hear that if his partner was taking treatment he wouldn't have caught it? I don't know how long after contracting the virus it can take to show up. He's had tests more than once before this one came back positive...

Like I said, I hope they stay together. He could do with some stability and happiness, however they are both quite immature for their age so I'm not sure if it will last. If they don't, I do hope this diagnosis doesn't knock BIL's confidence too much as it took him a long time of being single to feel up for a relationship and I can imagine it is a lot harder when you have the stigma of this to deal with as well.

I feel I've got over the shock now. Two lots of extreme news in two days was just a bit much I think! I do seem to do the anger first... With MIL my anger was directed at the GP who fobbed her off months ago telling her it was hormones and to take primrose oil! Those months could be crucial.
Yes. I'm angry.

Apologies to anyone who may have been upset by my OP. Thank you all for the space to think about it... I can't discuss with DH as my sister is here, he told me that BIL had told him this then DSis came in so you guys are my sounding board!

OP posts:

Original poster

ragz134 · 31/03/2017 22:22

No he hasn't injected since way before the boyfriend, he is just still on he was getting checked since the relationship and at least once after the HepC diagnosis. I'd be a lot more frustrated if he'd got it that way...
Birdsgottafly - if they both have it how is it still risky? Can you have different levels?

BIL is pretty good at researching stuff - I know he wanted PreP but it wasn't available on the NHS here. He did well with the HepC treatment, adhered well and trialled new meds which actually cured it. So I don't have worries about him taking treatment, he's probably researched it all already.

OP posts:

HorridHenryrule · 31/03/2017 22:32

Thank you for answering my question drugs is a horrible drug that can get hold of you and change your life. I watched a video of a man who was in rehab trying to get of heroin the stuff that was coming out of him it looked like black tar. Heroin is a dirty drug.

In regards to upbringing which your right about but it does depend on the type of relationship the parents have with their adult children when they are older. My uncle spent most of his life living with my grandad because my grandfather wanted him their he never learnt how to stand on his own two feet. Never had a job he lived off my GF money. Your mil does need to give him tough love how will he cope if anything happened to her. My cousin looked after his mother until she died he nearly drank himself to death. Your BIL is relying on his mother to take care of him at 40 and she's getting older with her own health problems.

LucieLucie · 31/03/2017 22:44

horridhenry I'm not childish I'm just disgusted at people's lack of personal care when it comes to spreading disease.

Why would you jump to the conclusion that op's fb became infected by someone else when he's in a sexual relationship with a person who he already knows to be HIV+??

BIL got into a relationship last year, he knew the guy was HIV+ before they started a sexual relationship. We said at the time it shouldn't put him off the guy, as long as they stay "safe" then it would be very difficult to catch. He gets regular STI checks and so has found out last week that he's caught HIV. He's admitted they weren't being careful...

Why are we bothering to teach our children to be safe and always practice safe sex if people on here are just preaching 'it's actually ok cos they probably won't catch it?!!'

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