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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being annoyed at BIL for catching HIV?

115 replies

ragz134 · 31/03/2017 18:45

Or is it "victim blaming"?
BIL got into a relationship last year, he knew the guy was HIV+ before they started a sexual relationship. We said at the time it shouldn't put him off the guy, as long as they stay "safe" then it would be very difficult to catch. He gets regular STI checks and so has found out last week that he's caught HIV. He's admitted they weren't being careful... DH (his twin) and I had a feeling this would happen as BIL doesn't seem to take anything seriously!
AIBU to be really annoyed at his irresponsible behaviour? He already had HepC from sharing needles years ago just got the all clear on that last year. He lives with in-laws (he's nearly 40) and doesn't work (gets disability benefit for addiction and HepC?!) apart from running a business from home but rarely does any work for it so has months of work built up.
MIL (who is already pissed off with him for ignoring his customers and not working) has just been diagnosed with aggressive BC so we can't tell her, it will have to be kept secret for a while.
I know it's not actually any of my business, I shouldn't spend my energy being pissed off at him and it won't affect my life at all I don't suppose... But I am still annoyed. IABU and judgemental aren't I?

OP posts:
BabychamSocialist · 31/03/2017 19:31

He was stupid and yes it's his fault, but he needs your support now more than ever.

The good news is that HIV isn't a death sentence and with the right medication and support he can live a long, healthy and happy life.

A friend of mine was diagnosed with HIV in the late 80s and is now on his 30th year and he's been able to pretty much live a normal life. You'd never know.

morningconstitutional2017 · 31/03/2017 19:38

He's been foolish and now he is forced to take something seriously isn't he? I assume there are drugs he can take which will maybe slow down its progression a bit. I can't offer anything more than advice to continue seeing his GP and for the pair of them to take more care now, although this is like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.

I also assume MIL will find out about it sooner or later if any serious symptoms become obvious. Sympathies all round.

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 31/03/2017 19:39

I don't see what good being annoyed at him will do but its understandable to feel frustration at his lax attitude.

Sorry to hear about this, your DH must be very upset too x

Racmactac · 31/03/2017 19:56

I can't understand if he knew he was partner was hiv + why he wasn't taking medication to prevent him catching it? I'm sure they now offer this to gay men in risky relationships.

That being said as he has caught it so early as long as he takes meds he shouldn't be too effected.

Needthesunshine · 31/03/2017 19:58

Can understand your frustration OP. It's such a preventable illness. I know you said that his partner manages his HIV well however if he was on treatment with an undetectable viral load then its highly unlikely that he would have passed the HIV virus on to your bil.

It's done now so the best thing you can do is encourage and support your bil to engage in treatment. HIV is now considered a long term condition with no reduction in life expectancy if patients adhere to treatment. For many it's one tablet once a day with few side effects. The stigma is worse than the diagnosis!

southall · 31/03/2017 20:00

We should all be annoyed at your BIL as it costs at present about 300K of taxpayer/NHS money for lifetime treatment for something that should have been avoided.

VladmirsPoutine · 31/03/2017 20:09

I can understand your frustration but you seem to be carrying this all on your shoulders. Given his lifestyle choices I'm not surprised. I understand of course you are concerned but if you continually get so involved with his dramatics you'll end up making yourself ill with stress.

HorridHenryrule · 31/03/2017 20:14

Are they still together?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/03/2017 20:14

Yes, I'd be annoyed. The same way I'd be annoyed at anyone who knowingly exposed themselves to a disease when there were ways to mitigate the risk.

But I'd be more concerned with going forward. As long as he's monogamous with this person, I guess it's 'no biggie'. But if they break up will he be honest and practice safe sex with future partners? That would be my big concern. Well, that and that he gets the proper meds and follows orders.

MortalEnemy · 31/03/2017 20:14

OP, this sounds like a pretty dysfunctional sibling set. He's HIV positive from unsafe sex with someone he knew was infected, has Hep C from sharing needles with an older brother he knew already had Hep C, and your DH, his twin, used to be a heroin addict?

jacks11 · 31/03/2017 20:16

He was foolish and unlucky

He was certainly foolish. Unlucky? Less so, I think- if you regularly have unprotected intercourse with someone who is known to be HIV +ve you are placing yourself at risk of catching it yourself. Even if their CD4 count and viral load is low. OPs BIL knowingly took that risk. I feel sorry for him, though- it must be an unpleasant situation to be in.

As to OP- sorry to hear about your MIL. I can understand your annoyance, especially given MILs recent diagnosis. Hopefully BIL will be able to manage his condition with medication and will keep well. But I can understand it is a worry for your DH and so, by extension, for you.

Crowdblundering · 31/03/2017 20:17

If he is clear from Heo C how is he getting disability benefit?

I had Hep C and never got disability benefits - am now clear.

Also why does it matter how he got it - it's not worse than HIV as you can get rid of it.

Crowdblundering · 31/03/2017 20:17

And both blood borne viruses not diseases.

HorridHenryrule · 31/03/2017 20:22

I feel so sorry for MIL, her sons have been a constant worry for about 20 years now... Dreading my 3 being adults!

I can't resist asking this question what were their upbringings like and did she have more than 3 children. Sorry to ask I have the same worries myself about my children. I have also got a BIL who likes to fuck about a lot and he's almost 50.

babymouse · 31/03/2017 20:23

Not your monkey, not your circus.

Maybe he thought his partner had a zero viral load. Maybe he just likes to take risks. He's an adult and free to make his own mistakes choices. I think you know you need to step back and take a break from knowing the details of his life.

I'm sorry about your MIL I hope her treatment goes well.

Crowdblundering · 31/03/2017 20:30
altiara · 31/03/2017 20:34

Id be annoyed too, the cost of the HIV drugs is massive. It's not a right to expect that, it's a privilege. Also if he's not being careful, then he could easily catch Hep C again. I would find it irritating that he knew the risks and didn't make the effort. That's why mumsnet is useful - so you can vent anonymously.
But you just have to step away both of you and support MIL.

sizeofalentil · 31/03/2017 20:45

Sending love to you and your DH - this must be really difficult for you both.

I don't think you can help being angry - it's one of the stages of grief, and you are grieving for him in a way.

As long as you still love and support him, and don't let that anger fester or grow in to something else, YANBU.

LucieLucie · 31/03/2017 21:01

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cocoamadness · 31/03/2017 21:04

As a woman and as a mother who has successfully lived with HIV for the last 10 years I am so upset and angry to read so much VICTIM BLAMING on this thread. It appears that some of you still rely upon the Daily Mail for information about HIV. It is because of such "shit" peddling that I have spent most of the last decade battling stigma and hate crime.

You are assuming first of all that your BIL contracted the infection...I am referring here to HIV...that's right it is an infection...not a disease btw...from his current partner. If his partner was successfully living with HIV then he would have been adhering to medication...now the wonderful thing about this medication is that if one adheres, the rate of onward transmission is negligible. So perhaps your BIL contracted it elsewhere. So sad to read on this thread that some people are clearly suggesting that those of us with HIV should not be engaging in sex or having relationships with others!! I for one have 2 amazing children and neither contracted HIV from me.

OP, your post is also highly offensive because you are passing judgement on your BIL's sex life - quite frankly none of your business. Moreover, for all you know he contracted HIV via other means! Strange isn't it, how we don't judge and blame people for contracting or spreading influenza in the community, which can and does kill.

For the record "Owllady" having sex with a person living with HIV who is adhering to medication and has an undetectable viral load is not "putting themselves at risk!"

LucieLucie · 31/03/2017 21:05

Or is it "victim blaming"?

No, because he's not a victim.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 31/03/2017 21:08

also why does it matter how he got it - it's not worse than HIV as you can get rid of it

Even when it's treated there's still a high chance of getting cirrhosis and needing
a liver transplant

cocoamadness · 31/03/2017 21:08

"LucieLucie" I have just reported your post for it's highly stigmatising tone and hate speech. I would encourage others to kindly report this post also to have it removed.

Venchi · 31/03/2017 21:14

I'd be annoyed with him too! because whilst it may not be the life sentence it once was etc etc,,, he might pass it to somebody else, his parents, your PIL, your H, you are all going to be really worried about him now! argh. It's unnecessary.

Crowdblundering · 31/03/2017 21:15

armani

Utter bollocks - depends what damage the virus did when it was active which is monitored via liver biopsies every 5 years.

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