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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - MIL thread

49 replies

DucksOnThePond · 29/03/2017 22:46

My BIL lives within driving distance and has just announced PIL are coming down over the holidays and that he assumes we will be about over Easter weekend. When I said we are away to see my DF with DS he responded they are coming earlier than our trip away so there would still be lots of time. We are in the process of processing a lot of changes and they know this. Considering he hasn't even taken the time off work for any part of this earlier visit time I can't help feel that the actual assumption must have therefore been that we would just be able to look after them even tho we had no input on timings. Assumption - our plans didn't matter. WWYD

OP posts:

dinosaursandtea · 29/03/2017 22:51

Tell him & your PIL that you can't do it, and make a time to rearrange. I hope things calm down a bit for you! It's the worst when you're trying to process stuff and you have to juggle family commitments. I've taken on way too much this first half of the year while coping with a lot of personal and professional stuff - from June onwards, I set the schedule!

Also, your BIL doesn't get to determine when you see your PIL! Bloody cheek.

ThePiglet59 · 29/03/2017 22:54

"Also, your BIL doesn't get to determine when you see your PIL! Bloody cheek."

This

Original poster

DucksOnThePond · 30/03/2017 07:46

Thank you. I thought it was cheeky but wondered if I was being precious. We speak to PIL quite a lot (last time on Monday) - at my instigation - and yet they hadn't bothered to tell us this was even a possibility during any of these conversations.

OP posts:

Huldra · 30/03/2017 07:54

Can you say something like as you know we're very busy but will try to pop over for a cuppa one afternoon, will let you know nearer the date. Somits clear you're not up for a couple of days of entertaining.

Penfold007 · 30/03/2017 08:12

Your DP tells their DB and parents that the visit isn't convenient.

Spadequeen · 30/03/2017 08:14

Nothing to do with your bil. Tell him 'you'll pop over if you get the chance but it's unlikely, as I said, were busy and going away'

Bizzysocks · 30/03/2017 08:15

What does "processing lots of changes' mean?

If your not busy the few days before easter and DH wants to see his parents then I would go or let him go with ds and stay home.

It's nice they want to see you, It wasn't the most polite invitation though. Tell them you would like more notice of their visits but I wouldn't not see my pil just because bìl didn't ask politely.

MimiSunshine · 30/03/2017 08:17

You call pil and say "we heard from bil that you're visiting him at Easter, how lovely. Such a shame but we have plans and are going away so we won't be able to meet up with you. Let's get a different date in the diary for early summer"

If they or bil say well actually we'll be arriving well before good Friday so we thought we'd come over, just say sorry what with work / school / something else we just don't have the time before we go away, if we'd have known earlier then we could have made other arrangements but if we can we'll pop over to bil for a cup of tea

mando12345 · 30/03/2017 08:19

Can't you just go over for dinner or lunch one day and stay a few hours, that doesn't seem unreasonable. Or is there a back story?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 30/03/2017 08:22

just tell them when you are home, it's really not that hard

BIL : Parents are down for Easter dates xyz
OP : Ah we're away after that, but earlier would be okay, otherwise maybe next time

He has his parents, you see them before you go to yours, everyone is happy, instead of outraged and prickly.

also interested in the processing lots of changes thang

BitOutOfPractice · 30/03/2017 08:30

I'm confused. Why can't you see them before you go swat. And they are giving you notice - Easter is 2 weeks away. Maybe they've just decided to come and told you as soon as it was arranged.

I imagine there must be some backstory because I can't work out why you're upset about this otherwise

BitOutOfPractice · 30/03/2017 08:30

Swat? Away!

QuiteLikely5 · 30/03/2017 08:35

Well the organised it with BiL after your last conversation and he has told you about it.

You are overthinking this. Just see them before you go away!

Do not do as a pp suggested and tell them you are unavailable.

I'd be annoyed if my son did that to me!!!

If you want to take a stand against their approach go out for lunch and let them see their son and GC without you.

stitchglitched · 30/03/2017 08:40

Well 'processing a lot of changes' isn't stopping you from going away to visit your own family. Why can't you just put aside a couple of hours or an afternoon to see PIL before you go if they are staying nearby?

My parents live about 40 minutes from me. If my grandparents are staying with them from 200 miles away they always ring and tell me so that we can take the chance to see them whilst they are nearby. I thought that was normal tbh.

Shakirasma · 30/03/2017 08:40

Jeez, how cheeky of them to want to set eyes on their family when they are paying a visit to the locality.

I hope none of my children ever view my presence as such an inconvenience!

SisterMoonshine · 30/03/2017 08:41

You could remind them that you're in the process of processing lots of changes - I'm sure they'll understand.

LillianGish · 30/03/2017 08:46

I don't see why you can't see them briefly before you go and see your father. If they are staying within driving distance this would seem a good opportunity - don't see the problem unless there's a history. Hope your DS and his wife would do the same for you eventually whether he was "processing a lot of changes" or not.

BaronessBomburst · 30/03/2017 08:47

You've assumed that BIL has assumed that you're going to entertain them whilst he's at work.
So that might not be the case at all.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 30/03/2017 08:47

Moonshine

Harsh! Those changes are not going to process themselves you know. It's a long and complicated....process!

Serious (ish) point: when I was of DD/DiL age I was equally obnoxious to my own family and the ILs, so I have no truck whatsoever with people who clearly prioritise their own family. Be rotten to them all, I say. It's a simple process!

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 30/03/2017 08:49

Also...I think it speaks volumes that this is called a MiL thread in the title. You know it really isn't. It's much more of a DiL thread with a side of BiL!

StarlingMurderation · 30/03/2017 08:51

I'm not sure why this is a MIL Thread, as per your title. Surely it's a BIL thread?

I agree with previous posters, don't make a big deal of it - just say "We're away over Easter but let's try to arrange a meet up before we go." Or is the real issue that you don't want to see them? Because you're "processing changes"?

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 30/03/2017 08:53

StarlingMurderation · 30/03/2017 08:53

Snap!

Ragwort · 30/03/2017 08:54

Surely your DH could manage a quick visit with or without the children, why are you organising his social life - you sound a bit of a control freak. In this situation if my BIL said ILs were visiting locally I would assume my DH would arrange a quick meet up if a longer visit was difficult.

Equally I don't drag my DH to see my parents all the time.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 30/03/2017 08:55

I'm wondering if 'processing changes' is one of thos irregular verbs, you know like,

We are processing changes
You are faffing about
They are just looking for excuses

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