To find her jokes about me offensive

[isitreallyjoking]

Just to lessen any confusion I will say now that DW and I are both women.

DW has a cousin who is also her very close friend. Cousin has a habit of saying things about me which I find offensive but she always says are jokes or sometimes advice. For example she will say oh God why are you wearing that or if you just spent 20 more minutes on your hair it would probably look half decent and lots of jokes about how I'm punching above my weight with DW. She also quite frequently says no offense but ... usually followed by something a bit offensive , like no offense but my granddad would wear those shoes.

I find these quite offensive however DW and her family tell me it's just how she is and she is like that with everyone.
But whilst she may make one or two comments about others at an event she always makes at least 8 or 9 about me. Once or twice DW or I have pulled her up on it but she shrugs it off as she was only joking and I need to learn to take a joke.
We only see her in person about 5 times a year and DW is close to her so I tend to just try and ignore it.

On Sunday we all went out to dinner for DW aunts birthday (cousins mum). Most people were drinking quite a bit including cousin. So cousin had already made her usual comments about my outfit/appearance. Everyone was sat around the table waiting for food including DW and our DCs and a conversation started up about mothers day and how people celebrate. One of the guest said they thought it was commercialised.

Cousin then pointed at me and said I bet you think it's commercialised how did you used to celebrate it with your mum.
My mum died when I was in primary school so I don't really remember celebrating with her.
However people quite do sometimes forget my mum died when I was young so I just assumed cousin had.
I told cousin that I don't remember what I did with my mum.
Cousin said oh my God I can't believe you don't remember what you did with your own mum how could you forget.
Aunt then whispered to cousin I didn't hear but I assume she reminded her that my mum died when I was young.
Cousin then said oh God yes sorry though I guess that explains why you are the manly one. Everyone was completely silent which was really awkward.
Cousin then said come on I was only joking, because she had no mum she never learnt how to be a mum or a women herself that was the joke. See its funny now I've explained it to you. Cousin then sighed and said God you need a sense of humour and walked off laughing to herself.

The food came shortly afterwards and everyone ate and cousin came back and everyone was joking with her and it was forgotten. As soon as we ate I told DW I wanted to leave. She agreed and we didn't speak to cousin again. We said goodbye to everyone else and no one mentioned it.

We got home and I told DW that I was upset about the comments. She agreed they were mean and she messaged cousin to ask her to apologise.

Cousin messaged DW today and said she was sorry if I was upset but she had been drinking and it was just a joke and everyone else didn't think it was a big deal.

DW thinks that she was drinking and has just made a bad joke and its all ok now because she apologised. I think she wants me to just forget about it. But I don't think it was a funny joke and I don't think she meant her apology. I am still a bit upset about it but everyone else seems to think I should just accept it was a joke.

So AIBU to think that her jokes are just offensive or should I just accept that it's a joke and go along with it.

Cross post with Miscellaneous

If you decide to kill the cousin, let me know, and I'll come with you and hold your coat.
While Mortal is holding your coat, I'll be working out your alibi.
I'll bring the wood and matches so we can burn the body & eliminate forensic evidence. A can of petrol should do it.
(Sounds like DW is just trying to keep the peace a bit since you see the cousin so often. I'd refuse to go in future though.)

Don't stoop to her level.

You must speak up each time. Repeat repeat repeat. Two responses.

'Its only humour if both people find it funny. Otherwise it's bullying'

'Why do you feel the need to bully me? It's very nasty behaviour'

It wasn't like she accidentally put her foot in it, she's decided to go for the jugular each time she sees you. She clearly has issues

Cousin clearly has 'issues'

I hate it when nasty people are excused by "that's just her sense of humour". I'm sorry you had to sit through that lunch and endure those comments. Good advice up thread about responses especially the one if both find it funny it's a joke" only one person then it's bullying. I think you need your dw to know the extent to which this bothers you.

I agree with those advising you to ask her to repeat what she said. No doubt if you ask her enough times she will make a further nasty remark on your hearing.
When she inevitably does that, simply say,
"Oh no, I hear you perfectly well, I'm just unsure if YOU have heard it as you don't seem to realise just how rude and offensive you are"

You do need to pull her up EVERY SINGLE TIME! Dont let even the tiniest barb sneak by unchallenged. The MN classic of "Did you mean to be so rude?" Is a good one.

You don't need your wife to stand up for you anyway. Do that yourself. You will only have a DW problem if she takes issue with you standing up against her nasty cousin.

Those comments are appalling. She's revolting.

she is a fucking arsehole of the highest order, really OP

she clearly has a problem of some type with you no?

I would go zero tolerance, just don't see her anymore and make it clear why- that all she does is insult you and you have better things to do with your time than spend time with someone who perpetually insults you, why would you?

I also think your partner needs to say to her that she wants her to stop insulting you immediately.

what she said was fucking low

Give her a taste of her own medicine.

"Haha, yeah, not to be offensive but I imagine you make these comments about other people to try and deflect from the fact you're really fucking ugly? I mean, haha, it must be quite the struggle to lug your carcass out of bed in the morning and just, you know, keep going on? Like, your career and relationship are an utter shambles but you just keep smiling! And I guess it's because insulting others makes you feel so much better about, well, god... the massive fucking disaster that is your life, right?"

It doesn't matter if any of it is true. She's being so awful to others that obviously she thinks it is. She's making herself feel better to diminish her own inadequacies. Now those inadequacies, I'm guessing, are visible from space. Pluck each one out and roast it in front of her. That'll shut her up.

I'd cut all contact with her. You shouldn't spend your life around people who hurt you. DW can still go see her cousin, she can go to her place or meet somewhere for a coffee. If DW doesn't like your decision then she should have protected you. (I'm furious on your behalf that she somehow makes this OK because of drink). Cousin will never stop doing this. Give yourself some peace. Don't shout or send angry messages. Just tell DW that you are being hurt by her and refuse all contact from now on. Don't let her change your mind, she should have talked to her cousin before.

I have PIL like your wife's cousin. It will be two years in April since I last saw them.

innocentinfamy That's perfect!

If she looks up to your DW then DW should be able to put a stop to it.

DW needs to tell Cousin straight that she is not happy about the way she speaks to you. Maybe Cousin will back off if she really doesn't want to hurt your DW.

Cousin is a bully. Everybody else is enabling her.

If your DW can't see how hurtful this is then I'd have to re-think the relationship.

Bullying is not 'funny'.

"That cousin is nothing but a nasty, evil bully, and a green-eyed monster to boot. I would also say she is a cunt, but then again cunts have their uses, whereas she has no use at all to 'man nor beast'."

@Katie0705 has reminded me of another comeback that the OP could have in her mind - it might make her laugh even if she doesn't feel able to use it:

"I'd call you a cunt for that comment - but you lack the depth and warmth!!"

I think what she is saying as a 'joke' is utterly disgusting and she must be told to stop or that you'll stop going out when she is there.
I completely agree with everyone else who is saying that you are not being unreasonable at all and that her jokes are not actual jokes but her being unbelievably rude.
Just a thought - do you have a friend/relative that could blame it on the drink and be equally 'funny' to your DW? Kind of like fighting fire with fire if you will. I'm not condoning in any way the way you were treated but perhaps if your DW actually got a dose of the vitriol you have to put up with when you are socialising with her cousin, she may be a bit more understanding?
I think your DW for whatever reason she thinks is reasonable in her head, is enabling her cousin to say these things to you. She isn't saying "Enough. That's enough. That's my wife your passing comment about" and I think she should.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing.

"If your DW can't see how hurtful this is then I'd have to re-think the relationship."

There is possibly an extra element here, or at least in many lesbian and gay relationships versus families. Okay, I think the cousins reaction was straightforward homophobia. But I think there are often extra tensions for partners. We all know of many gay couples who are not acknowledged at all by partners other families. As well, of course, of couples who aren't even out to either of their families (yes, the just my flat-mate and keeping two supposedly used bedrooms for when someone parents visit unexpectedly still happens!). So, in a case such as this, where these is some level of acceptance by the wider family, in can be a real source of tension not to mention even explicit homophobia. Because then it is the gay or lesbian couple 'being the problem' if they point it out. Because if someone was worried in the past that their family would reject them for being gay, going 'non-contact' because of bad behaviour could be extra hard. Because some of us can be so glad that we are acknowledged at all, that we put up with behaviour that we wouldn't do otherwise, or that we probably wouldn't expect a straight couple to put up with. The playing fields aren't level here!

Just to add, for myself personally, I was never out to my father (he'd have thrown me out of the house). Myself and my wife were treated quite badly by several old friends when we got married, who just refused to come to the wedding because they didn't approve. And I have been treated quite badly by various of her relatives (for example, not introduced at all, or just introduced by name, as if I was some random not very close friend, rather than her wife.) For some people, the phrase 'and her wife' just seems to be a step too far! And what do you do when that happens? Cos saying loudly on every occasion 'that's no lady, that's my wife!', would just be a bit too much, making ourselves the centre of attention, pushing it down everyones throat, spoiling the day for everyone else, being awkward (delete the ones that do not apply! So, probably not appropriate at a great-uncles funeral, for example.).

Of course, then you have the flipside of the coin, where you can be the token lesbian couple, look how cool we are, I can say ' her and her wife' at every opportunity just to demonstrate how wonderfully right-on we are....................

Either ignored, or on display, and hard to say which I prefer, frankly .

Thank for your replies.

Unfortunately I have just argued with DW about it.
I told her I was still upset about it and I felt like her cousins jokes where meant in a nasty way and they were upsetting me and I wanted her to have my back.
DW said she didn't know what I wanted her to do but she has already told cousin that she accepts her apology.
I said I thought that was just accepting the way her cousin treated me.
She left the house for a walk. Then she text me saying that she felt like I was making her choose between them and she didn't want to.

It's fine that your DW has accepted her cousin's apology, but the cousin hasn't even apologised to you, so you haven't had an opportunity to accept it or not, and yet YOU were the wronged party. It's fine for your wife to accept it, she wasn't the recipient of the behaviour.

I would think carefully about what YOU want to happen next, joking. If you want to sit out family 'dos' where cousin will be there, I think you can, and would be perfectly within your rights to refuse to attend. If that doesn't seem like a do-able option, then I'd hold out for an apology from her to you. Then the ball's in her court, isn't it.
Be strong, and stand up for yourself because no one else in RL in this situation is (MN's got your back on this one, but we won't be there next time). (although, happy to hear about it later )

Isit , I would be very upset if my DP told me he didn't want to pick between me and his cousin. She is married to you, you should be her priority! Can see why the cousin didn't have many friends , it's because she's an arsehole!

I think you either speak to the cousin yourself about her horrible bullying behaviour/ call her out on your next meeting- a few posters have suggested good comebacks. My favourite being you're not joking , you're a cunt, because she is! Sadly it doesn't seem that your DW is going to do this on your behalf . Or just don't attend any future get togethers with her.

She is an utter tool, and unpleasent. She sounds very jealous of you, or does not think you are good enough for for your wife. I would avoid any events with her present, if you can, practise being assertive, a mumsent classic "did you mean to be so rude". Or "stop right there, i find your jokes rude and unpleasent, and wod like it if you stopped" i am afraid your wife does not support you, and that's a big issue.

Stick to your guns. You aren't asking your DW to choose between you. Just to choose to protect you from abuse from anyone. It doesn't mean she has to drop the cousin. It just involves honesty and straight forward responses to any abuse she might throw at you.

What a total prick she is.
So sorry you're having to endure her "humour".
Tell her to fuck off.

As a "joke" of course.....

I'm so sorry. How awful for you. She sounds vile.

Surely DW doesn't need to chose? It's not a choice is it? This woman is bullying her wife?! It's not even a difficult choice.

Your other option is to support your DW in seeing her cousin but not actually attending yourself.

Thank you I will have to make list of all the come backs on her so I'm prepared. I'd be happy if I never saw cousin again but that would be difficult with DWs family events.

DW is home and I explained to her that I wasn't trying to make her choose I was just upset at the way cousin treats me. She agreed that the way cousin treats me is wrong. But she isn't sure what to do about it.
I said she could ask cousin not to make comments and DW said she would message her tomorrow and ask.

Tell not ask.

She must tell her.