To find her jokes about me offensive

[isitreallyjoking]

Just to lessen any confusion I will say now that DW and I are both women.

DW has a cousin who is also her very close friend. Cousin has a habit of saying things about me which I find offensive but she always says are jokes or sometimes advice. For example she will say oh God why are you wearing that or if you just spent 20 more minutes on your hair it would probably look half decent and lots of jokes about how I'm punching above my weight with DW. She also quite frequently says no offense but ... usually followed by something a bit offensive , like no offense but my granddad would wear those shoes.

I find these quite offensive however DW and her family tell me it's just how she is and she is like that with everyone.
But whilst she may make one or two comments about others at an event she always makes at least 8 or 9 about me. Once or twice DW or I have pulled her up on it but she shrugs it off as she was only joking and I need to learn to take a joke.
We only see her in person about 5 times a year and DW is close to her so I tend to just try and ignore it.

On Sunday we all went out to dinner for DW aunts birthday (cousins mum). Most people were drinking quite a bit including cousin. So cousin had already made her usual comments about my outfit/appearance. Everyone was sat around the table waiting for food including DW and our DCs and a conversation started up about mothers day and how people celebrate. One of the guest said they thought it was commercialised.

Cousin then pointed at me and said I bet you think it's commercialised how did you used to celebrate it with your mum.
My mum died when I was in primary school so I don't really remember celebrating with her.
However people quite do sometimes forget my mum died when I was young so I just assumed cousin had.
I told cousin that I don't remember what I did with my mum.
Cousin said oh my God I can't believe you don't remember what you did with your own mum how could you forget.
Aunt then whispered to cousin I didn't hear but I assume she reminded her that my mum died when I was young.
Cousin then said oh God yes sorry though I guess that explains why you are the manly one. Everyone was completely silent which was really awkward.
Cousin then said come on I was only joking, because she had no mum she never learnt how to be a mum or a women herself that was the joke. See its funny now I've explained it to you. Cousin then sighed and said God you need a sense of humour and walked off laughing to herself.

The food came shortly afterwards and everyone ate and cousin came back and everyone was joking with her and it was forgotten. As soon as we ate I told DW I wanted to leave. She agreed and we didn't speak to cousin again. We said goodbye to everyone else and no one mentioned it.

We got home and I told DW that I was upset about the comments. She agreed they were mean and she messaged cousin to ask her to apologise.

Cousin messaged DW today and said she was sorry if I was upset but she had been drinking and it was just a joke and everyone else didn't think it was a big deal.

DW thinks that she was drinking and has just made a bad joke and its all ok now because she apologised. I think she wants me to just forget about it. But I don't think it was a funny joke and I don't think she meant her apology. I am still a bit upset about it but everyone else seems to think I should just accept it was a joke.

So AIBU to think that her jokes are just offensive or should I just accept that it's a joke and go along with it.

She is a total bitch. I can't say she is homophobic because I don't know if she would be just as much of a cow if you were your DW's male partner. It's irrelevant anyway. She is a bitch for whatever reason.

I disagree with people saying your wife should step up and defend you here - it's really hard if you have been raised with a bully who always got their own way to suddenly break the rules and put then straight. You on the other hand, weren't raised with this bitch. Challenge her, gently, every time - use the MN classic, 'did you mean to be so rude'. Channel your tinkly laugh. Tell her 'I really love your cousin, it hurts when you criticise us - is there anything I can do to help you with this transition?'

Above all, please don't blame your wife - don't let her cousins issues come between you.

She shouldn't be allowed to say whatever nasty shit she likes to people and then go 'I was only joking, you need to get a sense of humour.' What a dreadful person. Jokes are supposed to amuse people, not insult them. Most people learn that by the time they're about five.

Isitreallyjoking I am so sorry this woman is such a shit and I am sorry your DW doesn't understand you and support you.

What she said was appalling and I think you should have left there and then. No food, no chit chat, with or without your DW. I hope I would have said "Your comments are utterly hurtful and offensive, I've lost my appetite and I have no desire to stay. I'll look forward to your apology in writing."

Then walk out, before I did that I'd probably excuse myself to the bathroom and take DW with me, explain what I was doing and give her the choice to stay and meet me later, and decide who take car/kids (if you have any) whatever.

Of course in reality I would not have had the confidence to do that. But I think after that incident I would be ready for the next.

I'd write to the cousin explaining the shit stops or you will not be around to listen.

All comment about clothes, me being the 'man' (what a fucking insult) and anything else you dean an insult just ignore. Yawn, look away, say 'predictably rude as ever undear cousin.'

Any comments like 'It's a joke', just be firm. Jokes are funny, your comments are just rude, rude, rude.'

And if any comment comes close to the magnitude of the one about your dear departed mum, put into action your walking out plan.

Your DW is missing something if she is not spotting how rude this women is to you.

But you need to make it clear, if DW wants to see this woman, fine, but you do not need to.

Personally, I'd give her one more chance to be rude and then I would walk out and make a fucking scene; or I would simply not see this cousin again.

OP, dreadful behaviour from the Cousin, I really feel for you. 😡
Show this thread to your wife, she needs to accept and acknowledge her DC, for what she really is.

Whatever the reasons behind it this behaviour is offensive , inappropriate and passive aggressive . Can she take it as well as give it?
If there is a next time with the 'No offence but..' line put your hand out , say 'stop, it is offensive and if you continue with these comments be prepared to have a few back at you ... "
and go prepared .. though you will be the bad guys of course .

Genius 'Stop being a bully.' That is totally what this cousin is, just say that every time. Actually broken record is very effective, it's annoying. So any comment you deem bullying, just say 'Stop being a bully.'

Nothing to add to pp. she is a bully & you need to say this outright to her. If she doesn't accept it, give her examples of the kind of thing you would never use as personal 'comments' against her but that you're willing to start if she doesn't stfu.

Also don't think your Dw means to be unsupportive but you need to show her this thread. Good luck & keep us updated x

She's a fucking bully OP and I don't believe for a second that it's just her personality and she doesn't realise her remarks are hurtful to you. The fact she carries on when no one is laughing and there's an awkward silence shows just how spiteful and actually fucking unhinged she is. I imagine you don't want to say anything and cause a scene as it's your DW's family and you feel it isn't your place but it sounds as if your wife has had plenty of opportunities to defend you or have a word with her by now. Next time it happens just let rip with something like 'no offence... but why are you such a viscious, attention seeking cuntbag?'

No wonder the cousin didn't have any friends! She's a horrible bully, she doesn't deserve fiends.

I can't think why the cousin didn't have any friends growing up.

Tell her to go fuck herself.

she didnt have friends for a reason

if shes willing to over look your feelings because its her cousin u need to think about your relationship

Is she young and lacking in the brain department?

Is this thread unanimous? (Does that make it some kind of MN record?) In case it isn't - I agree with the PPs who say YADNBU.

No one's said this, but.... I'm someone who's gobby and often inappropriate and I drink heavily too and I often cause offence. I never ever mean to. Here's one (terrible) example, which still makes me cringe.... My line manager wore TERRIBLE clothes which majorly clashed (think sporting jackets with tartan tie). I'd known him practically my whole life, and he always wore (and still wears) the same kind of stuff. When I worked for him (back then) I used to make jokes about this clothes and how they all clashed. And I did it once at a family party. I said "does your DW pick your clothes?" His wife was blind. To me (in my pathetic head) this was funny, because he's actually been married 3 times and his clothing choices are consistent.

His wife took me aside and said "laughing at someone's affliction is the nastiest thing you could possibly do". She's completely right. Only, in my head, wasn't laughing at HER, I was laughing at (and actually with - because it was a joke I regularly made) HIM.
But because I had genuinely not meant offence but had caused it, I apologised to her about a million times in person that night. I phoned her the next day. I wrote her a letter AND I sent her flowers.
I know what I did was terrible and unforgivable. But I (genuinely) didn't mean to be nasty and was horrified I'd caused offence. This is probably my worst hour, but I do do this kind of foot-in-mouth thing. but I always genuinely try to make amends (and keep my bloody gob shut!)
Anyway, just pointing out, when you're properly sorry you say so!

Also, lots of people wouldn't have sat there and taken this.. . You could have left the table weeping. Or just sat there and cried. the fact you soldiered on says loads about you and your strength of character.

There are some brilliant come backs on here. My favourates are the ones which don't insult her back (you lose the moral high ground) but do call her out. The ones like "that isn't funny" or "no one's laughing" or the MN classic "did you mean to be so rude?"

Something someone once suggested to me is "what? What did you say?" "funny" jokes become less funny to the teller when they have to repeat them 3 or 4 times. And followed up with "I don't understand... what are you saying?" (because having to EXPLAIN an insult makes it very explicit).

But, like others, I agree you have to an extent been handed a free-pass by bitch cousin... Next time there's an invite or a "do" you would be perfectly within your rights to say to your DW "Actually, I don't think I can face this... Make my excuses, will you, and I'll see you after"

I agree with everyone else. She's a bitch and I'm sorry your DW doesn't see that or acknowledge it. That in itself is hurtful.

Just don't go. Not worth it. Be honest about why you don't go anymore but make it clear that you expect your DW to have your back if anything is said.

yikes sorry OP - cousin sounds bloody awful. I wold not even bother speaking to her ever again, but realise with family it is quite hard sometimes, especially as your wife is close to her. I have an uncle like this - says really stupid things when he gets drunk, said really mean and nasty things to my now husband at my brothers wedding, i was so angry i walked out until he apologised. He's not been like that again with DH and is always sheepish when we see him (once a year at best)

I think a serious chat with your wife is in order - she needs to sort this out ASAP.

Good luck OP.

Op, I can't begin to imagine the hurt and pain that you must have felt, and I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your darling mum.

That cousin is nothing but a nasty, evil bully, and a green-eyed monster to boot. I would also say she is a cunt, but then again cunts have their uses, whereas she has no use at all to 'man nor beast'. She has clearly got away with her horrific behaviour for years and nobody has challenged her because she is such a bully. No wonder she never had any friends whilst growing up, and I doubt she has now either.

My feeling is that your DW is in a really difficult position. Probably trying to keep things sweet with the cousin as well as trying to be as supportive to you as she can. Perhaps your DW finds it difficult to stand up to the cousin, as she too has been on the end of her bullying ways for so many years? However, I really do agree with PP's that you need to explain to your DW the depth of your feelings and the gravity of hurt. Definitely don't let this evil bitch come between you and your wife.

So, when Mortal holds your coat, Happy sorts the alibi, I will be the 'cleaner'!

I'm not one for drama or big scenes but I think I'd have excused myself to the Birthday relative and walked tbh.

I hate it when people excuse this kind of thing with "she's always been like that/it's just her way etc"

Just because someone has always behaved badly in the past is no reason to allow them to continue to behave badly.

The cousin is a bully.

If your DW is close to her cousin then she should be able to make her behave.

I think I'd be drawing a line in the sand about expected behaviour from this woman at family occasions and I certainly wouldn't be welcoming her into my home any time soon.

You don't make a "joke" about someone's mum dying! What a nasty twat she is. Horrible of her to tell you that you'd never "learned how to be a woman" because of it plus it makes no sense. She needs to apologise to you properly (i.e. apologise for what she said - none of this "I'm sorry IF YOU were upset" bollocks) and your DW needs to have your back a lot more than she has so far.

cousin because she didn't have many friends growing up

Colour me surprised. Not. Clearly she was a vile, disgusting bully back then too.

DW is no better, frankly. She's standing by and allowing someone to harass and bully her spouse. That's not acceptable. She's just as guilty as her cousin. Obviously the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in that family. I'd leave anyone who treated me like that.

By not "choosing", DW is definitely choosing. Sad to say, she's chosen her vile cousin over you.

That's so nasty and disgusting. I wouldn't want to see her ever again.

You should get rid of your wife and the evil cousin,both as bad as each other.

Vile, absolutely vile.

I wonder if it would help get other people less accepting of the bully boy cruelty if you can bear it:

1. asking her to repeat it a few times, as a previous poster said, jokes lose their impact when repeated
2. Then ask her to explain it,
3. and then summarising it 'so you think there's something funny about my mother dying when I was in primary school'. Right. Pause...anyhow... then talk to someone else / change the subject if you can.

I wouldn't bother trying to get her to change or accept her behaviour is inappropriate in any way, she's a dead loss. But I would try to leave those moments so awkward and emphasise the shocking bitch ness of it all that it makes them a bit uncomfortable too. Ugh.

If it happens again, wait for a suitable time to have a quiet word with the cousin. Tell her that if she thinks being continuously offensive is her idea of a sense of humour, she needs to work on it because no one else thinks she is funny and everyone is actually quite embarrassed for her because of her constant foot in mouth tactless comments.

Absolutely what Chastened said re getting her to repeat herself. I was just coming on to say the very same thing.
Next time she says something offensive, say loudly enough to attract the attention of others in your company

"Sorry what was that?"
Follow up anything she repeats with
"I'm not sure I understand"...(wait for her response)...
"How do you mean?"…(her response)…
"Nope, I still don't get it"…(her response)…
"Can you explain again?"…(her response)
"No, still nothing"…(you get the picture)…
"Ok, but which bit was the funny bit again?"

Don't let it drop.
She may well want to shrug it off, but this isn't about what she wants.
Let it get nice and uncomfortable for her
Do not fill the silences awkward is your friend here
Keep on failing to understand her spitefulness jokes.
All the while non-aggressively maintaining appearance of sincere, polite, but none the less tenacious curiosity.

Hope it works out for you OP however you eventually decide to tackle things.