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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find her jokes about me offensive

192 replies

isitreallyjoking · 28/03/2017 21:35

Just to lessen any confusion I will say now that DW and I are both women.

DW has a cousin who is also her very close friend. Cousin has a habit of saying things about me which I find offensive but she always says are jokes or sometimes advice. For example she will say oh God why are you wearing that or if you just spent 20 more minutes on your hair it would probably look half decent and lots of jokes about how I'm punching above my weight with DW. She also quite frequently says no offense but ... usually followed by something a bit offensive , like no offense but my granddad would wear those shoes.

I find these quite offensive however DW and her family tell me it's just how she is and she is like that with everyone.
But whilst she may make one or two comments about others at an event she always makes at least 8 or 9 about me. Once or twice DW or I have pulled her up on it but she shrugs it off as she was only joking and I need to learn to take a joke.
We only see her in person about 5 times a year and DW is close to her so I tend to just try and ignore it.

On Sunday we all went out to dinner for DW aunts birthday (cousins mum). Most people were drinking quite a bit including cousin. So cousin had already made her usual comments about my outfit/appearance. Everyone was sat around the table waiting for food including DW and our DCs and a conversation started up about mothers day and how people celebrate. One of the guest said they thought it was commercialised.

Cousin then pointed at me and said I bet you think it's commercialised how did you used to celebrate it with your mum.
My mum died when I was in primary school so I don't really remember celebrating with her.
However people quite do sometimes forget my mum died when I was young so I just assumed cousin had.
I told cousin that I don't remember what I did with my mum.
Cousin said oh my God I can't believe you don't remember what you did with your own mum how could you forget.
Aunt then whispered to cousin I didn't hear but I assume she reminded her that my mum died when I was young.
Cousin then said oh God yes sorry though I guess that explains why you are the manly one. Everyone was completely silent which was really awkward.
Cousin then said come on I was only joking, because she had no mum she never learnt how to be a mum or a women herself that was the joke. See its funny now I've explained it to you. Cousin then sighed and said God you need a sense of humour and walked off laughing to herself.

The food came shortly afterwards and everyone ate and cousin came back and everyone was joking with her and it was forgotten. As soon as we ate I told DW I wanted to leave. She agreed and we didn't speak to cousin again. We said goodbye to everyone else and no one mentioned it.

We got home and I told DW that I was upset about the comments. She agreed they were mean and she messaged cousin to ask her to apologise.

Cousin messaged DW today and said she was sorry if I was upset but she had been drinking and it was just a joke and everyone else didn't think it was a big deal.

DW thinks that she was drinking and has just made a bad joke and its all ok now because she apologised. I think she wants me to just forget about it. But I don't think it was a funny joke and I don't think she meant her apology. I am still a bit upset about it but everyone else seems to think I should just accept it was a joke.

So AIBU to think that her jokes are just offensive or should I just accept that it's a joke and go along with it.

OP posts:
cafenoirbiscuit · 28/03/2017 22:15

She sounds like an over-familiar twat. I hate that if you don't think her jibes are a joke you are being too sensitive. I'd avoid her

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 28/03/2017 22:16

Jokes are meant to be funny.
Her comments aren't funny, so they're not jokes

SillySausage34 · 28/03/2017 22:17

You see her 5 times a year?
That's once every couple of months.

You shouldn't have to put up with that once every couple of years!!
And that was BEFORE I read about the insensitive 'joke'.

That totally needs to stop, the rest of the family have no back bone by letting it go all the time.
What a bastard.

Benedikte2 · 28/03/2017 22:17

The cousin's behaviour is unforgivable and is based on her homophobia which makes it even more unacceptable. I'm puzzled as to why your DW has no problem with it and just why she remains close to her cousin. Does she find her cousin's humour amusing?
Even conventional manners re acceptable and respectful behaviour towards others does not permit rude comments about another's appearance even in jest. I would also worry about the affect hearing this poisonous stuff will have on your DC.
I think you need to talk to your DW about how hurt you feel, that it's now gone beyond what can be called a joke and that you'd like her to tell the cousin that her comments aren't funny and to stop whenever the cousin starts to make comments. Maybe cousin feels she has DW's tacit approval as she's never objected?
Good luck

Unicorn81 · 28/03/2017 22:18

Sounds like a total bitch. You need to start calling her out everytime she says something negative and tell her it is offensive and rude. If you do it everytime others will see just how much she bitches at you. People that go only joking do my head in, no your not joking your being a fucking cunt

GoodDayToYou · 28/03/2017 22:21

Wow! She's awful!! And YADNBU!!

I would recommend that you start just watching her. Like you might watch a wild animal.

I think you'll also have to shoot her down at some point. Maybe come up with some suitable one-liners? How about...

You: That's pretty rude and offensive.
Her: It's a joke.
You: Really? Have you ever thought of doing stand-up?

Or: Really? Where?

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/03/2017 22:22

Yes DW has the responsibility here to shut down arsehole cousin. You need to make it plain to your W that she has to step up.

But please do lay into the prick of a cousin and don't worry about crossing the line.

Her hateful stupidity and insensitivity about your mum makes my blood boil. Sorry for your loss.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/03/2017 22:23

And yes agree with PP that cousin sounds jealous/envious of you and is driven to undermine you by her own insecurities.

Ugh.

WildKiwi · 28/03/2017 22:25

That's not an apology, so it's not all ok now. She's a bully, pure and simple. Bullies always seem to hide behind "I was only joking" when they're pulled up on their behaviour. And having a drink isn't an excuse either since from what you've said she's just as rude whenever you see her.

Normal people would be absolutely mortified about forgetting that you lost your mother when you were young and putting their foot in it and that's without having then made such crass comments.

I tend to bury my head in the sand when it comes to calling people out on bad behaviour (total wimp), but if a member of my family had behaved so appallingly towards my partner (especially with the history of bad behaviour) I wouldn't want anything to do with them.

You're not the person potentially coming between your DW and her cousin - it's her cousin causing the issue.

booellesmum · 28/03/2017 22:26

She is awful but very unlikely she will change.
You need to think really hard about what will be best for you.
You could avoid her altogether or pick a phrase like "It always amazes me how rude you can be. I'm looking forward to what you come up with next" and smile.
Whatever you do it is your choice but don't let her grind you down .

Allthebestnamesareused · 28/03/2017 22:28

She didn't even apologise to you she said to your wife I'm sorry if she's upset but noone else thought it was a big deal eg. Sorry not sorry and not even to you! Show your dw this thread. She has to stand up to her cousin.

angieloumc · 28/03/2017 22:29

What a horrible creature she is.
But it isn't because she thinks you're not good enough for her cousin, it's the other way round; you're too good for her.

cocodidit1 · 28/03/2017 22:29

She seems to have an issue with you, possibly jealous. You can kill her with smiles and shrug off her stupid comments or avoid any further meetings. I doubt she will change at this point as her safety net is "I was only joking"

Or you could punch her in the faceGrin

memyselfandaye · 28/03/2017 22:33

A great big loud "WHY DON"T YOU EVER FUCKING SHUT UP YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING GOBSHITE" should do the trick.

I'm serious, say it and say it loud, I would guess it's the only way to get through to someone so unaware of anybody elses feelings.

tava63 · 28/03/2017 22:33

What a horrible experience for you. Her behaviour is very odd - not only that it is cruel and aggressive but also she isn't picking up that you are not laughing and everyone else is being silent and the atmosphere becomes awkward ..... do you know much about her life? All these people who know her don't challenge her now - did they challenge her when she was younger and get a bad reaction? What does your DW get from being close to her? The saying 'By their friends you will know them' does come to mind .... is your DW protective of her, or colluding. What does this cousin get from being close to your DW .... do you think she is threatened by you? There is no getting away from the fact that her behaviour is horrible but can you think why she is attacking you (defensive? aggressive? threatened? vying for position within the group?) why your DW expects you to endure this? why others are silent .... what is behind their silence?

RandomMess · 28/03/2017 22:34

She was awful, I mean how can she not see how insensitive and down right cruel she was in hindsight???

Your DW does need to have your back, you need to discuss how it will be handled from now on. Preferable your DW saying something like "X that wasn't funny, it was offensive"

2017SoFarSoGood · 28/03/2017 22:34

IsItReally if you take the fantastic advice upthread of punching her in the face she so deserves it be sure to smile immediately, look around the room, and say the magic words:

Oh, sorry. Was Only Joking. Grin

ChasedByBees · 28/03/2017 22:34

I wouldn't have anything more to do with her. That 'joke' was inexcusable.

Judbarian · 28/03/2017 22:34

I'd get rid of the wife for not standing up for you. You're being bullied and a normal partner would care enough to be very angry and immediately shut down any family member who treated you that way. At the very least tell the cousin directly how obnoxious her behavior is and from now on refuse to be in the same room as her.

GabsAlot · 28/03/2017 22:36

rude bitch

id say yore fucking ugly arent u

her-what?

only joking-giggle giggle

TheWoodlander · 28/03/2017 22:37

Some excellent advice here about how to deal with it - but I can't help thinking that if one of my family members spoke to my DH like that, I would give them what for. I would absolutely not accept this, I'd be furious. I would speak up for him, even if it was a "fuck right off" that I would later blame on wine Wink

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/03/2017 22:38

Yes there is absolutely NO way I could ever allow this to happen to my partner. Your W is being so weak here, it's not ok.

WaegukSaram · 28/03/2017 22:39

"I was only joking" is the go-to defence of bigots and bullies. Totally pathetic, and I would be questioning my relationship with the whole family if they sat there and listened to that without saying anything.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/03/2017 22:41

Flowers. Its irrelevant whether anyone else thought it was a "big deal" or not. Its not their big deal to be upset and hurt over. Its yours.
Last time I checked jokes were funny and a 2 way street. Not some cunt spouting out nastiness, and to use the death of someone's mum when they were little is lower than a snakes belly, and on mother's day of all days.

Katedotness1963 · 28/03/2017 22:42

She sounds awful! If there was someone in my husband's family that treated me like that I'd make sure I was never in their company again. I wouldn't make him choose and would wave him on his way to visit but there's no way I'd be sitting there being the butt of continual nasty "jokes".