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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find her jokes about me offensive

192 replies

isitreallyjoking · 28/03/2017 21:35

Just to lessen any confusion I will say now that DW and I are both women.

DW has a cousin who is also her very close friend. Cousin has a habit of saying things about me which I find offensive but she always says are jokes or sometimes advice. For example she will say oh God why are you wearing that or if you just spent 20 more minutes on your hair it would probably look half decent and lots of jokes about how I'm punching above my weight with DW. She also quite frequently says no offense but ... usually followed by something a bit offensive , like no offense but my granddad would wear those shoes.

I find these quite offensive however DW and her family tell me it's just how she is and she is like that with everyone.
But whilst she may make one or two comments about others at an event she always makes at least 8 or 9 about me. Once or twice DW or I have pulled her up on it but she shrugs it off as she was only joking and I need to learn to take a joke.
We only see her in person about 5 times a year and DW is close to her so I tend to just try and ignore it.

On Sunday we all went out to dinner for DW aunts birthday (cousins mum). Most people were drinking quite a bit including cousin. So cousin had already made her usual comments about my outfit/appearance. Everyone was sat around the table waiting for food including DW and our DCs and a conversation started up about mothers day and how people celebrate. One of the guest said they thought it was commercialised.

Cousin then pointed at me and said I bet you think it's commercialised how did you used to celebrate it with your mum.
My mum died when I was in primary school so I don't really remember celebrating with her.
However people quite do sometimes forget my mum died when I was young so I just assumed cousin had.
I told cousin that I don't remember what I did with my mum.
Cousin said oh my God I can't believe you don't remember what you did with your own mum how could you forget.
Aunt then whispered to cousin I didn't hear but I assume she reminded her that my mum died when I was young.
Cousin then said oh God yes sorry though I guess that explains why you are the manly one. Everyone was completely silent which was really awkward.
Cousin then said come on I was only joking, because she had no mum she never learnt how to be a mum or a women herself that was the joke. See its funny now I've explained it to you. Cousin then sighed and said God you need a sense of humour and walked off laughing to herself.

The food came shortly afterwards and everyone ate and cousin came back and everyone was joking with her and it was forgotten. As soon as we ate I told DW I wanted to leave. She agreed and we didn't speak to cousin again. We said goodbye to everyone else and no one mentioned it.

We got home and I told DW that I was upset about the comments. She agreed they were mean and she messaged cousin to ask her to apologise.

Cousin messaged DW today and said she was sorry if I was upset but she had been drinking and it was just a joke and everyone else didn't think it was a big deal.

DW thinks that she was drinking and has just made a bad joke and its all ok now because she apologised. I think she wants me to just forget about it. But I don't think it was a funny joke and I don't think she meant her apology. I am still a bit upset about it but everyone else seems to think I should just accept it was a joke.

So AIBU to think that her jokes are just offensive or should I just accept that it's a joke and go along with it.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 28/03/2017 22:44

She's a cunt and you haven't got a cousin problem you have a DW problem.
Next time she says only joking say well I didn't find it funny I find it offensive and I think your a bully.
Then ignore.
If she makes a comment such as ooh sensitive say err no I'm actually offended and I think your rude so don't speak to me in the future.

RitaMills · 28/03/2017 22:44

Absolutely unforgivable and cruel, I'd never be in this persons company ever again.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/03/2017 22:46

BitchCousin: Ooh - your hair would look nice if you'd spent a bit more time on it.

@isitreallyjoking - That is rude and un-called-for.

BitchCousin: But I was only joking.

@isitreallyjoking: No. You were deliberately making nasty remarks. Stop being a bully.

DementedUnicorn · 28/03/2017 22:47

My best friend was orphaned as a teen and happens to be gay. I would hit the fucking roof if some wanker, relative or not, said that. I can't even begin to think how angry I would be if it was said to my DW.

You're wife is bang out of line for not dealing with this earlier.

Waddlelikeapenguin · 28/03/2017 22:47

As I say to small children every sodding day 'If the object of the joke isn't laughing then it isn't a joke, it's bullying'.

This
Don't spend time with this person

DementedUnicorn · 28/03/2017 22:48

*begin to imagine

I was so cross writing that I forgot to proof read

ClemDanfango · 28/03/2017 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chinam · 28/03/2017 22:50

Your wife's cousin is a thundering bitch but your wife needs to step up and support you.

HappyFlappy · 28/03/2017 22:52

If you decide to kill the cousin, let me know, and I'll come with you and hold your coat.

While Mortal is holding your coat, I'll be working out your alibi.

ohtheholidays · 28/03/2017 22:52

The cousin and your wife are bang out of order!

You don't have to or need to make your wife choose you make the choice for yourself and go no contact with the Twatty cousin!

It's not like your wife or the rest of the family wouldn't know why!

TomaytoTomahto · 28/03/2017 22:55

YANBU! I don't quite agree with confronting her directly though. People who constantly make "jokes" tend to thrive on feedback, be it positive or negative. I'd say try minimising contact with her first and foremost. And when you do find yourself having to be around her alongside your DW and family, if everyone gives her "cricket silence" all the time she'll soon realise how ridiculous she's being and (probably) stop.

Judydreamsofhorses · 28/03/2017 23:00

The cousin is absolutely horrible, but I would be more concerned about your wife not having your back.

Ginandpanic · 28/03/2017 23:02

The cousin is a vile bully, but why does your wife not tell her to shut her offensive hole?
So awful and in front of your dc? Totally unforgivable. She hasnt even apologised. She really does need to, and do does your wife.
I'm not sure if id want to socialise with that dreadful person ever again but if you do, and she starts I would just get up and leave. I'm sure you have better things to do with your time than be bullied and belittled.

She is obviously jealous of your relationship.

Wine for you

OneOrgasmicBirthPlease · 28/03/2017 23:03

This is nothing to do with whether or not the cousin thinks you are good enough for your DW. Obviously, that is not their judgement to make. Please do not give a second thought to what she may think of you - she is clearly heartless and beyond rude.

I agree your DW is spineless, but I understand that sometimes when you are used to someone's bad behaviour you become desensitised to it. My PIL loves to tease my DS and I pull him up on it every time because it is upsetting. Few people think it upsetting because that is how PIL talks to everyone. However, a 5 year old cannot understand that and wonders why grandad is being mean to him, which is why I find myself disciplining the grandad every 5 minutes, because I won't let him bully DS, even if everyone else normalises the bullying.

I would avoid the cousin and, if needed, explain to DW exactly why. Ask her how she would feel if someone publicly laughed at her perceived lack of femininity and questioned her ability to mother due to her suffering a bereavement in early childhood. I am aghast others just expect you to move on, because 'she is sorry you were upset, but drink/mother's day/hilarity'

She is not funny, she is a bully.

I also rather suspect she is jealous of the closeness you share with your DW and wants to meddle. It is such pathetic posturing, her trying to impress your DW with how funny she is at your expense - can you see how she is trying to create intimacy between herself and your DW by ridiculing you, excluding you and labelling you as lacking in sense of humour? She cannot be very bright for that strategy was bound to backfire sooner rather than later. She has issues, I would leave her to them.

If you have to see her and she comes out with a hilarious comment, I would just remain silent for a bit and then say, 'You do realise that sarcasm is considered the lowest form of wit?'

Ginandpanic · 28/03/2017 23:03

Actually go with clems suggestion, no offence but you're a cunt. Grin

tabbymog · 28/03/2017 23:04

'I'm sorry you... ' is never an apology. She's a rude twat and I'd not have any more contact with her unless necessary for your partner, and then be cool with her. Speak up about her rudeness if you need to, you're not wrong to expect decent manners from anyone.

maisiejones · 28/03/2017 23:04

Next time tell her to go fuck herself, get up and walk out.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 28/03/2017 23:05

When relatives say 'That's the way she is' they mean they know she makes a thundering exhibition of herself but the only way to fix her would be a forced lobotomy and that isn't legal nowadays, not in the UK anyway.

How can your wife be friends with this woman? If anyone treated DH like that it would be the last time I'd expect him to see them, and when one of his relatives was oh so amusing about my weight it was the last time we saw her too. I get that you don't want to put your wife in the position of choosing but really she shouldn't expect you to have to put up with this nonsense more than once.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 23:06

I would say something like: "Yes, you would say/think that, wouldn't you?" And if I was feeling particularly bitchy, I would add: "People like you always do".

She sounds absolutely awful. Avoid her like the plague.

stiffstink · 28/03/2017 23:07

"No offence but" is the same type of phrase as "I call a spade a spade" - basically I'm warning you that the next thing I say is going to be fucking rude and you'll have to accept it because I forewarned you that I'm a dick.

Next time she says a joke/no offence, you need to say something back to her and finish it with "You know me, I call a spade a spade."

HappyFlappy · 28/03/2017 23:08

She knows exactly what she is doing and everyone else enables her shitty behaviour. I fucking hate people who do this and turn it around on you saying you have no sense of humour etc.

What Harry says is spot on. This is a form of enabled bullying. "It's just my/her way" Well - CHANGE your frigging way when you know it upsets people!"

This is envy, spite, and as I said, bullying. The person who does it is a coward - they are too shitty to say outright what they mean, and so hide behind a "joke". This cousin knows fine well what she is saying and doing, and she's being deliberately cruel. She then blames you - the victim - for being upset and/or offended so that she doesn't even have to take responsibility for her nastiness.

I notice that she apologises in the classic "non-apology" way (said she was sorry if I was upset but she had been drinking and it was just a joke and everyone else didn't think it was a big deal) - she is sorry that you are upset (because then it makes her look bad) but she is NOT sorry that she has made a spiteful or thoughtless remark (which would be acknowledging her own fault).

Being drunk is no excuse - "In vino, veritas". Many people use drunkeness to excuse their bad behaviour. All alcohol does is reduce our inhibitions and allow true feelings be released.

It isn't a joke, and TBH, other people not thinking "it's a big deal" makes no difference - they aren't being sniped at and picked on. Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them.

You could, as others have suggested, make "jokes" about her and see how she likes it (though everyone would probably come to her defence, because her spite is "her way" - yours would be viewed as malicious because you are not a person who normally is a git. You can't win.

Your DW does need to stand up for you, though, even if it's just a "Get your coat - we're leaving" and preferably adding a "Piss off, cow" to the cousin.

Thinkingblonde · 28/03/2017 23:11

Next time she comes out with "No offence..but (followed by whatever crap she thinks of to belittle you) I was only joking"
You answer back "No offence, but your jokes are crap and not funny at all. "

Original poster
isitreallyjoking · 28/03/2017 23:16

I don't know why exactly they allow her to get way with it. They just seem to accept that it's a part of her.

She has been a good friend to DW since they were kids. Cousin has support DW during some tough times and when she started telling people she was gay.

DW has said in the past that she feels protective of cousin because she didn't have many friends growing up and she is a bit younger so DW was like her big sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
isitreallyjoking · 28/03/2017 23:20

Luckily the DCs were colouring and I don't think they heard as they haven't mentioned it.

OP posts:
CMamaof4 · 28/03/2017 23:26

Yanbu, The cousin sounds horrible, Your wife should back you more.