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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM and wedding invites

65 replies

Foxysoxy01 · 28/03/2017 15:51

My DM would like to invite a few of her close friends to my wedding.

Now in theory I don't have a problem with this as we have space for a few guests.

AIBU to think a couple is ok but anymore and it's a bit OTT or AIBVU and you would/have invited as many friends as your mother, so mother of the bride, wants?

So would you be happy to invite your DM friends to your wedding?

And if so how many is too many?

Or is inviting any of her friends weird and just not the done thing?

Cake and Brew for your answers.

OP posts:
Wando1986 · 28/03/2017 15:54

Your wedding. If they're not your friends too then no, they shouldn't get an invite. I had 2 of my mother's close friends at our wedding but they're like 'aunties' to me so there was no way I was ever not inviting them.

Headofthehive55 · 28/03/2017 15:54

Depends whether they have known you all your life. That's a different ask to expecting to invite friends if hers that you have never met.

Mamagin · 28/03/2017 15:55

If they are people that you know as they have been her friends for a long time, and you grew up with them around, i can understand.
If you've never met them, then that is strange.

xStefx · 28/03/2017 15:56

The below is confusing me, but im guessing what you mean is: Is it ok for Dm to invite as many friends as the bride and groom are inviting? is that what you mean?

*AIBU to think a couple is ok but anymore and it's a bit OTT or AIBVU and you would/have invited as many friends as your mother, so I allowed my parents to invite 2 couples (4 people) and that was it.

xStefx · 28/03/2017 15:56

Bold fail lol

Original poster
Foxysoxy01 · 28/03/2017 15:56

Thanks for your answers!

Ok so to add another question, what if these friends had known about you all of your life (well since a young child) but only met you maybe once or twice?

OP posts:
AlexanderHamilton · 28/03/2017 15:57

We invited a few friends of my parents & dh's parents but they were people we had both grown up with/been on holiday with etc

DPotter · 28/03/2017 15:57

Questions to ask yourself-
Do you & your future DH know them ?
Is your DM paying for the wedding?
Are there family & friends you would like to invite but couldn't if these people came?
Is the invitation for the friend alone or friend plus one? You say a couple but is that 2 friends or 2 friends plus their partners

I think for me the crunch question would be is inviting them going to prevent you from asking others you know and would like to come.
I suggest eloping and saving yourself the bother and the arguments!!

JustSpeakSense · 28/03/2017 15:59

I think the 'two couple' limit mentions by PP is reasonable.

If there are family friends you have grown up around that's different (I'm assuming you'd invite them as your guests anyway)

If your DM is requesting a larger number of her own guests, this would be a bit weird. It is your wedding not hers.

Original poster
Foxysoxy01 · 28/03/2017 16:00

Sorry my phone hates me and ruins my posts!!

I meant aibu to think a couple of DM friends are ok but much more than that is ott or am I being mean and you have/would have invited as many of your DM friends as DM wanted?

OP posts:
Wando1986 · 28/03/2017 16:04

Two friends max if she's insistent. No +1s. But if you'd only met them once or twice you whole like then no, no invite at all.

Reow · 28/03/2017 16:10

Nope

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/03/2017 16:11

Everyone is different. In a wedding with about 90 guests, my parents hosted a table for 10 (I think), so they had 8 guests between them. I knew all of them (or at least one of each couple) and was happy enough to have them there, although they'd never have been on my essentials list. This is what made my parents happy, we had room and space to accommodate them, it didn't make any difference to my enjoyment of the day, so I was happy to allow it. A factor was that my parents paid for at least half of the wedding. Had mother in law (who bought the cake but nothing else) wanted parity, I would have resisted.

I think the size of the wedding is important and whether their presence means you exclude your own friends/family.

It's certainly been my observation that my parents have been to the weddings of many of their friends' children, even when the bride and groom probably know my parents less well. Your mum might be feeling under pressure to reciprocate.

AnyFarrahFowler · 28/03/2017 16:13

I invited my Mum's four Uni mates, and they were hilarious. I sat them with my Uni mates and they drank them under the table. I liked that my Mum had some friends there as my lovely Dad died 7 years before and we have a very small family. We had the space, and she paid for them too. Worked out really nicely.
They came as a four, with no partners.

FrozenNotCold · 28/03/2017 16:19

100 people wedding and my folks had about 30 guests. I knew of them but hadn't net all of them before. I think it's natural for parents to want to share such a happy occasion with others.

User543212345 · 28/03/2017 16:19

I cancelled my wedding when my mother said she deserved to have more friends than I did because she was the MoB. At my own bloody wedding! And because of big families I had 7 of her friends and 8 of my own at our 100 people event - so I was being generous.

I'd say if you invite any of her friends you're being kind and generous. If she whinges and wants more she is BVU.

acquiescence · 28/03/2017 16:19

I invited around 3 of my mums friends and 3 of my dads friend (plus partners) to the evening do of our wedding. This was my choice as they were all people I like and have know all my life. My mum requested for me to invite another friend who I didn't know so well, I said no.

user1andonly · 28/03/2017 16:20

Thinking back to my wedding (which was a long time ago) and we did have a few people who were more my parents friends than mine but I had spent a fair amount of time with over the years - played with their kids etc. Happy for them to be there. Also a table of six elderly distant rellies who I'd very rarely met and never saw again! Tbh, my parents had a lot of control over the guest list, haha! They did pay for most of it though, which was more the norm over 20 years ago. I had no issues with the distant rellies but might have resented it a bit more if it was me paying!

I don't think any way is weird, whatever you are happy with is fine - if you have space, and as long as you are happy that all the people you want to invite are there.

How many does she want to invite?

nympthinyellow · 28/03/2017 16:21

My parents paid for our wedding so invited 3 of their friends (with plus 1s) however 2 of those where my godparents. They where all wicked fun and my parents really enjoyed having them there. Plus they where technically hosting, but I wouldn't of said no anyway. They've also been to the weddings of their friends children, seems to be the done thing in their circle.

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer · 28/03/2017 16:21

My mil kicked up such a fuss about it that it became a big deal and we ended up letting her invite 6 of her friends who we had either never met or seen once.
2 pulled out at the last minute. 1 was rude to me on the day. 1 was absolutely sloshed and another who she NEEDED to invite because she was "like a sister to her" was no longer a friend two months later.
It was all a big drama before the wedding but honestly, in the day I couldn't have cared less. The fact that we gave in to her niggles a little bit we'd have never heard the end of it if we hadn't.
Pick your battles.

shirleycartersaidso · 28/03/2017 16:24

My mum invited a couple of long standing friends who I didn't really know as did mil. We didn't have space for any more than that so it solved the problem but I wouldn't have had more and part of the reason for paying for our own wedding so that we could have control over it!

lalalalyra · 28/03/2017 16:27

We had a casual-ish wedding, but we gave PIL and my Nana & Grandad (who brought me up) the equivalent of a table each. I think it was 8 guests each or something like that.

Bellaposy · 28/03/2017 16:28

We allowed our parents on both sides to invite a couple of friends even though some of them we'd never met. Honestly it kept them out our hair on the day so it was win/win.

TimTamTerrier · 28/03/2017 16:29

My wedding was quite old-fashioned in the sense that my Dad paid for everything except the dress (which I paid for), and Mum organised everything. There was room for 100 at the venue, I think there were about 14 or 15 friends of H and mine, about 25 family and all the rest were friends of Mum and Dad's. I didn't even think twice about it, it's just what was done at the time. Maybe I would have felt differently if I'd paid for the wedding myself, but tbh if I'd been organising my own wedding I would have just popped down to the register office in a pair of jeans.

BorpBorpBorp · 28/03/2017 16:30

I would if:

  1. They were mutual friends who I would have invited anyway OR
  2. DM didn't know anyone else at the wedding, and they would be her +1

I wouldn't let any guest invite as many other guests as they wanted. It's not their wedding.