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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go to the wedding

117 replies

519888888z · 28/03/2017 10:17

Really don't know what to to do for the best. Meant to be flying to brother's wedding tomorrow - it's in Australia with DH and children. Dd (5) has unexpectedly been taken very ill and is in hospital (with me). Not life threatening but nasty. Obviously she can't go. DH thinks we will just have to let DB down. Children all very disappointed but that's being part of a family. DB and SIL think I should go with rest of kids and leave DH to look after DD. I don't feel I can be on the other side of the world from sick child. Supposing she got worse?? I can understand how disappointed it is not to have his only family there but what can I do? He is furious but I'm hoping when wedding madness calms down (and they possibly have their own kids) they will understand.

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 28/03/2017 15:08

I don't think it would make someone a shit parent to go, that's a bit harsh.

I would go (well actually, in my reality I wouldn't because I'm a single parent so would have no option but to stay but if I had a husband then I would). It would be partly for the brother with no other close family and partly for the other children who would, I imagine, be really upset to lose out on a holiday to Australia. It's not 'just' a wedding is it, it's a trip of a lifetime which may or may not be refundable on insurance.

I think both going and not going have very valid justifications and the OP would not be wrong, whichever decision she made. It's all down to personal choice but neither choice would make her a shit parent or sister.

PandaPolar · 28/03/2017 15:09

Bloody hell Zippy She's sick and in hospital. She's five. It's a virus.

Virus's can become life threatening.

And, I am pretty sure the hospital would not approve of "leaving her with friends" whilst the parents went on a jolly to Australia. I imagine that would raise all sorts of social services eyebrows.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 15:20

'I don't think it would make someone a shit parent to go, that's a bit harsh.'

You don't think leaving a 5-year-old in a hospital to swan off is harsh? For real? It's scary for such children. She'll ill and wants her mummy and daddy there, not one halfway across the world for a wedding! You wouldn't be worried to all hell that if something went wrong you'd be over 24 hours away from your child?! For real?

Hope your wee one is okay.

Only1scoop · 28/03/2017 15:28

'Have some friends look after her'
W o w

ExplodedCloud · 28/03/2017 15:55

I'm just imagining the nurses' faces of the OP announced they were off to Oz for a couple of weeks Shock
Presumably they weren't planning on a quick round trip to be back by the weekend!

manicinsomniac · 28/03/2017 16:00

expat - yes, I think it's harsh. I definitely think it would be harsh if it was 'swanning off'. But it wouldn't be - it would be balancing the needs of the other children in the family and a much loved sibling who has no one else with a child who has another parent to look after them. I would be extremely worried, of course. But I'd also be worried about the other children and the brother by not going. I've never been married so maybe I'm overestimating the value of 'daddy' but I assume that neither parent is 'better' than the other. I would say it would be ideal to have both parents there but the circumstances are less than ideal. As long as the child has one parent with her, I can't see that it's so very terrible to consider everyone else too. There are many circumstances which would make it impossible for both parents to be there. What if one parent was working away? Or had a contagious illness? An ill child needs to feel safe and loved. Surely one parent can fulfil those needs for a few days? It's pretty bad news for all of us single parents if not!

As I said, I'm not saying OP's decision is wrong or that she should go at all. Just that she also wouldn't be wrong if she did decide to go.

MadMags · 28/03/2017 16:02

The needs of the other children?

I don't know if you have more than one, but holiday is not "need" and sick in hospital trumps practically everything else!

Also, daddy is of course as "good" as mummy Hmm but neither wants to be away from their very ill five year old.

itsmine · 28/03/2017 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadMags · 28/03/2017 16:03

One more thing, a trip to Australia is surely more than a few days. It's 24 alone just getting there!

brownpurse · 28/03/2017 16:10

There's no way I would go and I expect most people would feel the same. However I wouldn't underestimate the sadness of the brother who has probably been so looking forward to seeing his sister as well as having her at his wedding. Such a shame for everyone and a horrible thing to happen.I hope your little girl makes a quick recovery.

manicinsomniac · 28/03/2017 16:15

Madmags - no, a holiday isn't a 'need'. But the situation means that the emotional needs of the other children need careful handling. Cancelling the whole trip and all staying is perfectly valid and reasonable. But I don't think not doing so warrants the slur of 'shit parent'. The other children would be happier and more settled if they were assured that their sister would be ok and normalcy was retained by going on the anticipated holiday with their mum while dad stayed to make sure their sister was well looked after. To me, that's ensuring that everyone (except mum) gets the best possible outcome from a really awful situation.

It is hardly the same as mum heading off alone into the sunset for a jolly.

Headofthehive55 · 28/03/2017 16:16

Brothers don't need to have their sister watch their wedding.
Poorly children in hospital do need their parents.

manicinsomniac · 28/03/2017 16:18

Unless of course, the 5 year old is the eldest child. Not much disappointment (or enjoyment) about the trip likely in toddlers nor are they likely to be worried about their sister.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 16:20

When your child is ill in hospital with infection, manic, there is no 'balancing' needs, especially not for a holiday. That ill child becomes the focus until such time as they're better.

The 'much loved sibling' is an adult who doesn't 'have no one', he has a fiancee, friends, etc.

' There are many circumstances which would make it impossible for both parents to be there. What if one parent was working away? Or had a contagious illness? An ill child needs to feel safe and loved. Surely one parent can fulfil those needs for a few days? It's pretty bad news for all of us single parents if not! '

None of that applies here, including the single parent thing, the OP is not a single parent. It's a wedding, not a court summons. This is not 'a few days', it takes over 24 hours just to get there. Seriously ill children want everyone round them if possible. Mine certainly did, and all the other children on the unit. They need that whenever possible. this child doesn't have a nasty cold, but is in hospital with a virus. So you're saying if you were the OP, you'd really be okay with being the one to leave your daughter in hospital if she had 'another parent' to look after her? Really? Yeah, right.

itsmine · 28/03/2017 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 16:23

'The other children would be happier and more settled if they were assured that their sister would be ok and normalcy was retained by going on the anticipated holiday with their mum while dad stayed to make sure their sister was well looked after. To me, that's ensuring that everyone (except mum) gets the best possible outcome from a really awful situation.'

Bullshit! Children are different. When DD1 was in, her sister didn't want to stray far from her. 'Normalcy' goes out the window and everyone just cracks on with that. Life is full of disappointments.

Ditching your seriously ill kid in hospital to go to Australia is a shit thing to do. You have to be pretty emotionally detached to even consider that. And warped.

Inertia · 28/03/2017 16:24

Your brother is being an absolute arse if he is furious about your child being in hospital!

His wedding is important to him, but it isn't more important than your child's health. Your child needs you.

If it's that important to him that you're there, he can postpone the wedding.

MadMags · 28/03/2017 16:24

Young or old, the other children's happiness still doesn't trump sick five-year-old.

Being in a family means understanding that sometimes other people take priority. Simple as that.

If OP's children's emotional needs are forever impacted detrimentally because they've missed one holiday then that's something that needs addressing.

ShelaghTurner · 28/03/2017 16:29

No way I would leave my child. Not a chance. I wouldn't leave her with a broken leg never mind an illness. And I wouldn't expect DH to go either, he's her parent and he would want to be near her.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/03/2017 16:37

Subject to your travel insurance, I think I'd cancel for everyone and look at rebooking a trip when you're all up to it (if your brother stops being so sulky).

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/03/2017 16:38

Can you see if you can arrange to Skype/video in? So that you're there indirectly?

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2017 16:39

"DB and SIL think I should go with rest of kids and leave DH to look after DD."
They just don't have a clue, do they?

Hissy · 28/03/2017 16:45

Assuming your brother doesn't actually have kids of his own?

Clearly not a massive fan of your kids either?

What a prick!

Of course you can't leave the little mite and bugger off literally to the other side of the planet.

manicinsomniac · 28/03/2017 16:50

So you're saying if you were the OP, you'd really be okay with being the one to leave your daughter in hospital if she had 'another parent' to look after her? Really? Yeah, right.

I think so, yes. I don't think I'd be ok with it, not at all. But I think I'd be more ok with it than the alternative.

I can easily see why people would make the other decision and not go. I don't think that makes them emotionally over attached or warped. So I'm not sure why making the decision to go would make someone emotionally de tached or warped. I see them as two difficult but equally valid choices.

No, I don't know what it's like to have a child in hospital for more than a night or two. I don't know how I would manage to be honest. I've got 3 children and no family nearby so I guess I would have to make difficult decisions. I was in hospital for 5 months then later for 4 months as a child. My parents and sister couldn't stop doing things or going away for that length of time. It's not the same because I was a teenager but I don't know what they would have done if I were younger. Maybe they would have decided to stay nearby every day and maybe they wouldn't. I don't think either choice would have made them shit parents.

Eliza9917 · 28/03/2017 16:52

If your brother cared so much about his only family maybe he shouldn't live in Australia...

Does he live there or has he just travelled there for the wedding?

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