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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go to the wedding

117 replies

519888888z · 28/03/2017 10:17

Really don't know what to to do for the best. Meant to be flying to brother's wedding tomorrow - it's in Australia with DH and children. Dd (5) has unexpectedly been taken very ill and is in hospital (with me). Not life threatening but nasty. Obviously she can't go. DH thinks we will just have to let DB down. Children all very disappointed but that's being part of a family. DB and SIL think I should go with rest of kids and leave DH to look after DD. I don't feel I can be on the other side of the world from sick child. Supposing she got worse?? I can understand how disappointed it is not to have his only family there but what can I do? He is furious but I'm hoping when wedding madness calms down (and they possibly have their own kids) they will understand.

OP posts:
Absintheshots · 28/03/2017 11:35

Oh that's awful, I am sorry for you!

I absolutely wouldn't go, if your child is bad enough to be in hospital the poor thing is not that well. I might have considered going if it was a broken bone (and was "fixed" by the time I flew, surgery done and all), but not for illness.
I even cancelled a meeting in Paris when one of mine had chickenpox, and it's only 1 hour flight away. I just couldn't be in a different country.

Don't feel guilty, it's not your fault. Is there any chance you can transfer the tickets? You will still miss the wedding, but could you still go to Australia later?

JessieMcJessie · 28/03/2017 11:37

Not that I am asking you to give details, but it is difficult to weigh up for sure without understanding a bit more about your DD's condition-poor thing and hope she gets well soon. So for example a broken leg, which is awful but which you can definitively say is on the mend, is one thing, but a virus or infection or other condition that has a more variable prognosis, totally different picture.

Am I right in thinking that you and your DB no longer have your parents? My brother and I are also in that situation. When I got married he was my only immediate family and I would have been gutted if he had been unable to attend due to an emergency, and probably unable to stop myself feeling pissed off about it, but I would really have been pissed off at the situation, not at him personally and would have got over myself. He has to accept that emigrating means that everything is so much more difficult, and realise that he as an adult is much better able to deal with his disappointment than a scared unwell little girl who needs her parents.

I think what I'm trying to say is that your bro is only human to possibly be coming over like he's demanding, so cut him some slack, but your little girl comes first and I am sure he and his fiancée do understand that deep down.

JustSpeakSense · 28/03/2017 11:39

I thin one parent should stay with DD and the rest if the family go.

Unless it is life threatening, then both parents should be close by.

Littleballerina · 28/03/2017 11:40

If I was your brother I would find it a bit odd if you did turn up to the wedding on the other side of the world when your dc was in hospital.
He'll get over it. Hope your dc is better soon.

Ginkypig · 28/03/2017 11:42

This is going to sound harsh but I'm only saying it for perspective.

I feel for your db and sil as to them the wedding is rightly importan but they really can't think it's ok for you to fly across the world while your child is so ill that she has been admitted to hospital for what is tantamount to a fancy party.

I'm not trying to trivialise their day but they need some perspective.

HotelEuphoria · 28/03/2017 11:43

He chose to live in Australia, he has to accept the inconveniences of living on the other side of the world and that includes family not being on his doorstep anymore.

Sorry but HE is being very unreasonable.

BeansMcCready · 28/03/2017 11:49

Do you have other family going to the wedding who could take older DCs?

1bighappyfamily · 28/03/2017 11:49

Her condition is irrelevant given that you've already said you wouldn't be comfortable leaving her. Your "D"B is being an arse. No way would either of us leave our ill DDs in hospital for a bloody wedding.

BeansMcCready · 28/03/2017 11:50

Actually ignore that, I don't think I would want to be that far away from any of my DCs whilst they are still children - Ill or not and whoever they were with

PoorYorick · 28/03/2017 11:54

A couple of guests couldn't attend our wedding because their child was suddenly ill (like you, not life threatening but requiring hospital). We completely understood and now we have kids would do the same ourselves.

Original poster
519888888z · 28/03/2017 11:55

Thank you for all your very helpful replies. I'm so sleep deprived and anxious at the moment I felt in need of reassurance. We don't have any parents so I completely get how awful it is to be getting married without any close family of your own there. I truly feel terrible. It's a viral infection though so by no means straight forward and whilst not critical or life threatening I can't take any chances and just can't go away.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 28/03/2017 12:05

YANBU, and they are being very unreasonable to expect you to leave a sick child. As others said, it's not like you can just pop over there for the afternoon!

KitKats28 · 28/03/2017 12:09

I am a totally anti-wedding (not anti-marriage) person, so that colours my attitude, but if it was so important to me that my sibling was there, I would postpone the wedding. It's crazy to me that someone would think their sibling would place a wanky party above their hospitalised child.

domesticslattern · 28/03/2017 12:32

You need to give yourself permission to stop worrying about your DB and SIL, and concentrate on the matter in hand ie getting DD totally well. A child in hospital is stressful enough without wedding histrionics.
Flowers
Listen to the consensus on this thread!

PandaPolar · 28/03/2017 12:35

One other thought - can they set up a video link ? I know friends did this when the best man was in hospital (The groom's brother).

ohfourfoxache · 28/03/2017 12:37

No way in hell would I be going op. And I know dh wouldn't either.

Yes it's a shame but he'll have to get over it.

GoodDayToYou · 28/03/2017 12:45

YADNBU.
Your child is in hospital and your brother is furious??!!
Offer to Skype on the day.

Lalala82 · 28/03/2017 13:38

You poor things. I wouldn't be going and would agree with above- Skype on the day, send love, organise a trip to celebrate (if poss) at some point. Really hope your dd better soon.

Quartz2208 · 28/03/2017 13:46

No, I think his wedding is rightly the most important thing in his life at the moment but your daughter is yours, very few mums (if any) could leave their child in hospital to go halfway around the world.

When my DS was in hospital with Scarlet Fever nothing would have made me leave his side

I would send your apologies and say that you are sorry to miss it but that your daughter is your number one priority and hopefully he can understand that

zippey · 28/03/2017 13:58

If it's not life threatening I would go. Have some friends look after her and take the whole family along. It would be a shame to miss a big trip like this. Your daughter will be ok in the end, and she may even harbour guilt about ruining the trip for everyone, even though it's not her fault.

Tops38 · 28/03/2017 14:04

Zippey you'd leave your five year old sick in hospital with" some friends" !? And Bugger off to Australia? Seriously ?

sonyaya · 28/03/2017 14:08

Erm... tricky. Because you could go, and it doesn't sound like your daughter is in any danger (thankfully). But even as someone without children, I can well understand that getting on a plane to the other side of the world to have a drink and a celebrate and a jolly old time while your DD is in hospital is not something you want to do, and that's totally reasonable.

However your DB's wedding day is probably one of the - if not the - most important day of his life so far. Of course he is going to be devastated you're not there.

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable here. I think it is one of those sad sad situations where no one is at fault but circumstances beyond anyone's constricted conspire to make it shit all round.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 14:21

'Have some friends look after her and take the whole family along. It would be a shame to miss a big trip like this. Your daughter will be ok in the end, and she may even harbour guilt about ruining the trip for everyone, even though it's not her fault.'

It's a child, not a dog! She is ill in hospital, a frightening experience for a 5-year-old (or any child). What kind of so-called parent would even dream of ditching their daughter in a hospital to swan off across the world for a wedding?!

I'm sure he's upset, OP, but he chose to live across the world, he's not really in a position to throw his teddy out his pram because his niece got sick and is hospital so you can't come to his wedding.

These things happen.

As to all the 'Well, your DH can go'. How sexist! He's a parent, too.

MadMags · 28/03/2017 14:29

Jesus!

Leave her with friends.
Dh can go...

Their child is sick in hospital. Neither parent want to leave her for a glorified party.

Sorry but only a truly shit parent would want to do this!

Quartz2208 · 28/03/2017 14:54

Zippy I have some good friends but I dont think any of them would be willing to go into hospital for my child or me them - when they are in hospital its their parents they want.

I take it your child has never been in with a serious (but non life threatening virus) its tough, mine was quarantined in their own room (for infection cross over risk) with a cannula in for antibiotics and was not well at all not only that but medical decisions needed to be made (when discharge, treatment plan etc) for which only an adult with parental responsibility could make and sign for

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