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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be fucked off about Mother's Day?

102 replies

GlitterGlue · 27/03/2017 08:37

I still feel really hurt that they clearly think so little of me that oh couldn't be arsed to take dc to the shop to choose me some sweets or something. I wasn't asking for fancy or expensive gifts, just a small token to show they cared. I do so much and get fuck all back.

Mil got a nice gift so it's not even as if he forgot completely.

I do have horrendous pmt which is undoubtedly making it worse, but I'm so pissed off. And upset. And someone at work has asked if I had a nice day which just made it worse. I fibbed and said yes.

OP posts:
Rainydayspending · 27/03/2017 09:53

I'd be disappointed that he was failing to demonstrate to his children one way of showing respect and appreciation. Basically checking out of being a role model. I'll bet these men sucking up to their mother's aren't including their children in the shopping trip and probably thinking last will and testament rather than appreciation.

Mazanna123 · 27/03/2017 09:55

YANBU. He should have helped DC do this. It's teaching DC to be considerate as well. I would be very miffed too. It's not nice to not feel appreciated.

Introvertedbuthappy · 27/03/2017 09:57

What I don't understand about all this angst is why so many mothers put up with being treated like shit every other day of the year, but suddenly it's not ok on mother's day. To me it seems obvious if you're married to a selfish bastard who seems incapable of doing his own ironing/putting the children to bed/cleaning up the kitchen after making a collosal child-like mess then perhaps they won't change for the one day out of the other 365 that you hold so dear. Tbh some posters should have much higher standards everyday, not just mother's day.
Flowers and Cake to the many women on this thread who seem to be married to man-children. You have far more patience than I would have in your situations.

budgiegirl · 27/03/2017 09:58

How are all of these kids supposed to learn that it's good to show appreciation for their mum on mother's day if another adult (be it dad, grandparent, whatever) doesn't teach them by example? Do we expect them to suddenly realise for themselves at the age of four or whatever? It's amazing to me that we expect to teach our kids all the other life skills they need, but god forbid we should show them the way with this confused

Exactly this. Of course you are not your DH's mother, but he should be teaching your children to appreciate and be kind to you, until they are old enough to do this for themselves. OP, I don't blame you for being fucked off, I would be too.

Semiurban You've got bigger problems than just a lack of thought on Mothers Day. Previously, when I have ignored the laundry, nobody has had clean clothes for work and school and I cannot just leave the kitchen covered in flour. DH tells me to leave it, the dishes are piled up in sink as nobody but me empties dishwasher, piles of recycling next to bin if I don't take the bin out Why have you put up with this?

My 3 kids have to help round the house, it's non-negotiable. They do the recycling, empty the dishwasher and clear the table far more often than I do. They're not perfect (their rooms are very messy) but I expect them to help when asked, and they all know how to put a wash on. Time to put your foot down I think !

WutheringTights · 27/03/2017 09:58

I don't get the "You're not his mum" brigade. We do cards and breakfast in bed on special days (Mothers Day, Fathers Day, birthdays). Mine are 4 and 2 so they "help" us but clearly couldn't do it alone and wouldn't think to do it if not prompted. I see it as teaching them that it's nice to make a fuss of people we love on special days. Why wouldn't you do that?

RightOnTheEdge · 27/03/2017 10:00

I actually feel sorry for my dc on Mother's day and my birthday.
Dd is 6 and gets a bit upset saying I'm really sorry I really wanted to get you a present and I asked Daddy to take me and he didn't. She always feels really bad about it.

I always say I love the handmade cards her and ds age 4 make more than a present, which is true!
But fgs would it kill him to take them to the shop to choose something small?
For them if not for me Sad

MusicToMyEars800 · 27/03/2017 10:00

I feel like this too, I got nothing for mothers day not even a card... I did mention it to OH and he said " you're not my mum, and I didn't even get anything for my own mum" but I can guarantee she will get all shitty about it and he will end up taking her out for dinner or something or he will buy her something to make it up, but I doubt I will get anything!! I do absolutely everything, he doesn't lift a finger in our home does next to nothing involving the kids ( as in taking them to school, baths, reading etc ) unless he has absolutely no choice. I honestly feel like the maid, cook house slave! I really go out of my way trying to make things great for everyone and get fuck all, no appreciation or thanks.... just shitty attitude if I dare complain about anything!! I am genuinely re evaluating my relationship and life at this point

Wixi · 27/03/2017 10:02

I got the card dd made at school, a flower bought via the Parents Association (which I gave her the money for), a card she made at Brownies and a card which hubby took her out to buy, also she made me breakfast in bed. I'm resigned now to not getting anything bought by dh, and just remind him from time to time that Mother's Day is before Father's Day so he is setting the standard of what he expects to get. I'm hoping will get better when dd gets older and more independent (she's currently 7).

deadpool99 · 27/03/2017 10:03

OP, Y
YANBU. DH used to say that Mothers Day is between me and kids (when they were too young to do anything). One Mothers Day involved me being stuck indoors on my with DC's. FIL came over to do something with DH and they were going to go off for lunch together leaving me with DC's. I went absolutely batsh*t and explained that not acceptable to ignore the day, leave me with DC (who were toddlers/babies) and for him to go on a lunch date with FIL. I expected him to at the very least spend the day with me helping me with DC !! I then stopped making effort for fathers day. Since then Mothers day has been pretty good and we always plan something. But it took time to sink in and I had to explain it to him.

Railgunner1 · 27/03/2017 10:04

I think a lot of you are confusing mother's day with some sort of wife's day Hmm

floraeasy · 27/03/2017 10:06

Some of these stories I'm reading. It's almost like some of the guys are going out of their way to make sure you have a shitty day. A bit passive-aggressive IMO. Do they rain on your parade other times as well?

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 10:07

I would be Angry with him. My DTDs were with their grandparents this weekend (because their dad decided to take off for three weeks), and when they came back yesterday I had two lovely handmade cards, and some flowers they'd planted in a pot for me, with the help of grandma.

If they had been with their dad for the weekend I don't think I would've gotten anything. Or rather, they probably would have made me cards, but he wouldn't have encouraged it at all.

greedygorb · 27/03/2017 10:07

Same here OP. And DH had the gall to say I should've taken DS out to get something myself, threw a tantrum and then huffed. The thing that gets me is DS was upset and is learning from his father that an appropriate effort is take the minimum amount and then don't bother.

SingingSilver · 27/03/2017 10:07

The reason it's so emotive is because so many women break their backs all year round for their unappreciative partners/families and just hope for a token of appreciation on that one day. Even with small DCs - the pattern starts to set for a lot of them when their DF can't be bothered to arrange anything. Same thing as when women with shit partners hope he'll make up for a rotten year with a bunch of flowers on Valentine's Day.

And the answer is to see it for what it is, and adjust accordingly. If family members aren't grateful to you for going the extra mile, don't go the extra mile. Once you stop being the family security blanket/crash mat they'll realize how valuable you are. Give up the martyrdom (and if you can, buy yourself a big present on amazon, there's no rule saying you can't spoil yourself!)

DeleteOrDecay · 27/03/2017 10:08

I think a lot of you are confusing mother's day with some sort of wife's day

Disagree, many posters here have dc who are too young to facilitate Mother's Day by themselves. It's not unreasonable to expect the father to help them out and show them that it's good to show consideration and appreciation for loved ones.

floraeasy · 27/03/2017 10:10

It's important for DCs to learn how to appreciate their mothers.

For girls, it will set the barometer for their relationships with men when they become adults.

For boys, it will set the barometer for how they later see their wives and families.

So I think this even goes beyond mother's day itself.

Morphene · 27/03/2017 10:13

Not sure how much a demonstration of appreciation is worth if you to yell at people to get it?

In the case of young DCs, you get the appreciation from them in other ways - it doesn't have to be presents and cards they don't have the independence to get.

If you have a problem with your DH showing appreciation of your motherhood then you are mixing up motherhood and wifehood.

budgiegirl · 27/03/2017 10:13

I got the card dd made at school, a flower bought via the Parents Association (which I gave her the money for), a card she made at Brownies and a card which hubby took her out to buy, also she made me breakfast in bed. I'm resigned now to not getting anything bought by dh, and just remind him from time to time that Mother's Day is before Father's Day so he is setting the standard of what he expects to get. I'm hoping will get better when dd gets older and more independent (she's currently 7)

See, that sounds pretty good to me, especially for a 7 year old. Your DD had done quite a bit for you. What more were you hoping for?

I would hope that your DH would check that your DD had done something for Mothers Day, but it seems he had.

Absintheshots · 27/03/2017 10:14

I don't get the "You're not his mum" brigade

it doesn't mean not helping the kids to do something, even bake a cake together. Some women - just reading some of the threads - expect a huge fuss from their husband: card from him, expensive gift from him and throw a massive tantrum when the poor guy dares popping at his own mum to bring her some flowers.
I find expecting an expensive Mother Day gift and a card from your 3 weeks old baby completely ridiculous.

Absintheshots · 27/03/2017 10:16

I would expect children and their dad to respect and appreciate their mother any day of the year!

charlestonchaplin · 27/03/2017 10:19

Whoever decided Mother's Day is purely for people to show appreciation to their mothers? It is a celebration of motherhood, and showing appreciation to the mother of your children, for being a great mother to those children, is no less valid. Quite apart from helping your children learn to be more thoughtful, considerate people.

Pinkheart5915 · 27/03/2017 10:21

If they show you they care the other 364 days of the year, I couldn't get worked up enough to still be moaning the next day.

did you get a cuddle from your child? a home made card? if so I'd say mothers day was remembered for you and a £2 box of malteasers wouldn't of added a lot to your day

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/03/2017 10:21

I think a lot of you are confusing mother's day with some sort of wife's day

OP wasn't asking for a card or gift from her husband. She was hoping that he might help her DCs choose something small for her.

It's not grabby, precious, self centred or anything else of the sort. It's perfectly reasonable to hope that a man might help his young children to show appreciation for their mother on mother's day.

Why does he think his mother deserves a nice gift but his DCs' mother doesn't even deserve a packet of Maltesers?

ohtheholidays · 27/03/2017 10:23

If you sort out things for you OH for Fathers Day from the DC without anyone having to prompt you then there's no way he shouldn't have done the same for you on Mothers Day.

My DH has never forgot Mothers day and he not only takes the DC to pick stuff for me he buys me a card and a present as well and he does all the cooking(including breakfast in bed)and cleaning all day.

And of course I'm not his Mother but he does it because he appreciates everything that I do for our DC and he loves that I made him a Dad,it works both ways I do the same for him on Fathers Day.

Like a PP said it's just about being nice to someone and showing them that you appreciate them,it doesn't have to cost a fortune and it doesn't have to take long to organzie it so when someone makes no effort what so ever it's not surprising that the person on the receiving end is upset!

colourfull · 27/03/2017 10:23

i too had a shit day

my 16 year old spent all saturday shopping with her mate for her mate's mother but choose to spend not one penny on a card or gift for me, actively spent all her money on herself and didn't even say 'happy mothers day' or make me a brew or anything.

i am so hurt, there has been no fall outs recently and things have been fine, so it was a real kick in the teeth.

i could barley look at her by the end of the day