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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

12 year old home alone in the evening?

115 replies

NotTodayBillyRay · 26/03/2017 21:36

My 12 year old was left home alone for an hour last night from 9:30 while at his dad's because the new gf's car broke down and she needed "rescuing", I'm really not happy about it! Ds said it was more like two hours but his dad swears it was one.

AIBU to be angry???

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 27/03/2017 13:25

What did your ex do to make sure his son felt safe? Did he leave him with a mobile phone that had credit, and the contact number clearly labelled?
If your DS said he was unhappy about it, and if your ex is treating it as a test run to go to the pub, then I'd be concerned as well.

I'm pretty sure that its legal to leave a child under 14 as long as you take reasonable precautions and as its not overnight; but that if something goes wrong you are liable.

kittybiscuits · 27/03/2017 13:28

He sees him one night and week and he wants to leave him home alone and go to the pub? What a fuckwit!

golfbuggy · 27/03/2017 13:30

Blimey. I regularly leave my 12 year old for 2-3 hours in the evening. And it's never even occured to me that it was any sort of issue. do the people on here that are horrified actually have 12 year olds?

DS spends the whole time on the PS4 so thinks it's great

Saltedcaramel2016 · 27/03/2017 13:35

If your child was unhappy then I don't think it was OK as he could have just brought him along. If he doesn't see his Dad much that time should be prioritised into some nice father/son time under normal circumstances. It does sound like a one off though as I doubt his girlfriends car breaks down every week.

I would leave my 12 year old for an hour max ie. if I have to collect other son from somewhere or go to supermarket. However, if he wasn't happy to be left I would take him along.

bonbonours · 27/03/2017 13:35

I don't think it's unreasonable behaviour as long as the 12 year old wasn't upset, begged to go with dad and was told no. I know my 10 year old would much rather sit at home staring at a screen than go out in the car for no reason.

Turn it round, imagine if the girlfriend posted saying "dp refused to come and get me when my car broke down in the dark in the middle of nowhere because he wouldn't leave his secondary school child at home for an hour." People would be saying 'ltb', a secondary school child doesn't need full time supervision.

TheOnlyColditz · 27/03/2017 13:36

My kids are 11 and 14. It is perfectly normal to leave 12 year olds alone at home for a couple of hours. It's negligent to not teach children this age how to cope alone. However as he only sees his father once a week and his father wants to go to the pub instead, I'd suggest that your da simply stays at home and doesn't bother going to visit a man who clearly doesn't want to bother with him.

OlennasWimple · 27/03/2017 13:40

This isn't really about the one off, broken down car incident, is it? (I really hope not, otherwise you do need to get a serious grip)

You are entirely reasonable to be concerned that on the one night of the week your DS gets to stay with his dad, his dad would seemingly prefer to go to the pub. That's the battle to fight, steer well clear of arguing about the night that has been and gone.

cantmakeme · 27/03/2017 13:51

I don't think it's that bad to have left him at that age, for an emergency. But if he does it to go to the pub, that's just not on.

steppemum · 27/03/2017 13:51

cannot see this issue.

I would leave 12 year old dd for a couple of hours.
My only concern at that time would be that she didn't go to bed/sleep.

I am amazed that so many think it isn't ok. Perfectly normal to me.

On previous threads discussing age and how long to leave them, I think it was pretty standar to leave a 12 year old for an hour or two

Lingotria · 27/03/2017 13:59

Can't see an issue either. She's 12 not 2. At that age I was often left for the night & caring for my siblings.

Original poster

NotTodayBillyRay · 27/03/2017 17:30

Ok ok ok I'm unreasonable and over reacting - I accepted that yesterday.

Ds wasn't happy about being left. He's been left home alone before, just not in the evening when it's dark and he was scared.

I have issues with ex and his priorities but that's a whole other thread.

OP posts:

papayasareyum · 27/03/2017 17:44

Have i just stumbled into the twilight zone? Where i live, there's a three tier system and children mostly walk to and from middle school alone or with friends and often have a key to let themselves in. Aged 9 or 10! I think certainly by high school age, 11, all NT children should be able to be home alone either in the daytime or evening.
Are we really going to suggest that teenagers should travel everywhere with us and only be allowed home alone at 16? Absolutely ludicrous!

minionsrule · 27/03/2017 18:06

I left DS (11) on his own last week from 9.15 for 45 mins to go pick DH up from station...... no biggie, he is used to spending an hour on his own after school, what difference would 5 hours later make realistically?
Unless he has never stayed on his own in which case you probably need to start getting him used to it at 12
And if you think it is a pre-empt for him going to the pub for hours I would tell him now that this is not on (that is a completely different situation as when alcohol is involved he may 'lose track of time')

rookiemere · 27/03/2017 19:04

Is your DS less comfortable about being at his DF's generally ?

DS is just turned 11 ( well tomorrow actually) and whilst he is happy being home alone, he was much less happy when we left him alone for a bit in our holiday accommodation as he was less sure what the surrounding noises were.

If your DS isn't happy about it, you need to encourage him to have a conversation with his DF about it. That way if DF is testing the waters, he'll hopefully understand that his DS doesn't want him to go out for the evening.

Dearlittleflo · 27/03/2017 19:06

Seems fine to me, so long as your son was ok with it.

CottonSock · 27/03/2017 19:09

Crikey. I used to babysit at about that age

user9000 · 27/03/2017 19:13

Why couldn't you leave a 12 year old alone for a couple hours? There are babysitting courses for 12 years old run through the Red Cross where I live. If they can babysit surely they can be alone for a bit....

user9000 · 27/03/2017 19:15

I think the real issue is the OP is not happy about his dad rescuing the girlfriend....

BackforGood · 27/03/2017 19:16

I was going to say YABU too, but see you have accepted that.
Maybe the next step is to work on his confidence then - a 12 yr old should be fine in the evening for a couple of hours in a familiar place. Perhaps you should think about working on how you can give your ds that confidence.

Birdsgottaf1y · 27/03/2017 19:32

Babysitting isn't being alone. Once it's dark, being alone can feel very different.

It's important to work with the child, on this. Too much, too soon and you destroy confidence. If anything teen lads, tend to be overconfident, which is why they end up having accidents, getting attacked and or killed.

OP, your DS wasn't ok with it. His Dad sees him once a week, so he should be looking forward to his company, not prioritising a trip to the pub.

Your ex is a knob and should be ashamed of himself.

CaseyAtTheBat · 27/03/2017 19:35

Regardless of an hour or all day, there are still many risks. Irresponsible

Like what exactly? An average 12 year old should be fine to be left for an hour. They aren't babies.

ShitIForgotToUntick · 27/03/2017 19:47

I don't think YABU at all OP. Plenty kids that's age are not comfortable being left alone in the house at night. And not just kids, I've seen plenty grown women post on here freaking out because their DH's are going away for the night. I think leaving a 12 year old alone for an hour early evening when it's light is very different from leaving them alone late at night when it's dark. Of course some would be fine with it, but some won't, not sure why others find that difficult to comprehend.
I'd be reconsidering contact arrangements though if your ex is planning on regularly going out on the only night of the week he sees his son .

llangennith · 27/03/2017 20:49

On this occasion I think it was fine but I don't like that his dad is planning on making it a regular occurrence.
Maybe your DS can see his dad in the daytime and stop the overnights till he's older. I don't think many 12yo boys would be comfortable being left alone at night on a regular basis.

VestalVirgin · 27/03/2017 21:04

I don't see any problem with leaving a 12 year old home alone for a couple of hours, or even a day. Realistically speaking, what daily task is a 12 year old inherently incapable of doing that an adult can do?

This, however:
He leaves ds home alone a lot which annoys me as he only sees him one night a week.

Is a pretty shitty thing to do. Perhaps ask whether he'd rather not see your son at all, considering that he doesn't seem very keen on spending time with him.

CaseyAtTheBat · 28/03/2017 00:14

And not just kids, I've seen plenty grown women post on here freaking out because their DH's are going away for the night

Maybe if they had been left alone the odd time as kids they wouldn't be.

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