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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

12 year old home alone in the evening?

115 replies

NotTodayBillyRay · 26/03/2017 21:36

My 12 year old was left home alone for an hour last night from 9:30 while at his dad's because the new gf's car broke down and she needed "rescuing", I'm really not happy about it! Ds said it was more like two hours but his dad swears it was one.

AIBU to be angry???

OP posts:
toobreathless · 26/03/2017 22:15

Seriously?

I think for most children that is FINE at 12yo.

I was babysitting by 13, back in the 1990s admittedly.

rookiemere · 26/03/2017 22:15

Doesn't seem like a huge parenting fail tbh. Not ideal and might have been better to point the gf in the direction of the AA but a 12 year old should be able to cope with an hour or so alone.

nancy75 · 26/03/2017 22:16

Surely it depends on the child? My dd is 11, she is fine to be left for an hour in the afternoon but she would be unhappy & scared to be left at home for the same amount of time at night. As an adult I know the risks are the same but I still wouldn't do it because I wouldn't wa t her to be scared

Original poster
NotTodayBillyRay · 26/03/2017 22:16

Ds wasn't happy about being left alone, he said his dad was out for more than two hours, his dad said less than one. Ds was playing computer the whole time.

I'm worried that the "hour" was a trial run and he's trying to get ds used to being alone in the evening/night.

OP posts:
PlayOnWurtz · 26/03/2017 22:16

Yabu if your ds has no additional needs. He should have been in bed anyway!

JigglyTuff · 26/03/2017 22:17

What calamities are going to befall the 12 year old? I'd really like to understand what people are worried about

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 26/03/2017 22:18

I used to babysit my baby sister at 12. I don't think it's that bad, as long as he was able to contact someone in an emergency and is sensible. I would be relaxed about this, although wouldn't be happy about overnight.

corythatwas · 26/03/2017 22:21

If he wasn't happy and if he doesn't feel able to say to his dad "can I come too?", then I'd agree that you do have a problem, OP.

But it's about his relationship to his dad, or rather about his dad as a parent, rather than if a 12yo could be alone for an hour or two in the evening.

Your initial posts were a little misleading, as they seemed to suggest that we should feel this was wrong under any circumstances, regardless of relationship between dc and their parents.

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 26/03/2017 22:26

I think 3-4 hours at that age is okay, as long as the child is a reasonable 12 year old and happy with being alone.

You said your son wasn't happy with it and that his dad could of taken him with him so YANBU for being unhappy with that particular situation.

springflowers11 · 26/03/2017 22:26

If you have the attitude that it is inappropriate for a 12 year old to be left at home for an hour in the evening, you are doing your DS far more harm than his dad!

Beeziekn33ze · 26/03/2017 22:26

His only time with his dad and now dad is considering leaving him alone to go to the pub. Poor kid, not a very caring dad. Does DS get anything out of contact with dad except for screen time? Very sad.

redfairy · 26/03/2017 22:28

I think 1 or 2 hours is fine at secondary age in this scenario. But, I wouldnt be so happy that EXH couldnt keep one night free while your DS was stopping over. Bit of a poor show but this is still speculation at the mo.

RB68 · 26/03/2017 22:51

I don't think it was unreasonable - old enough for an hour or so, was an emergency situation

However, I would have asked DS what he wanted to do go with or stay up till back etc.

As to going to pub that is not on in my view esp if he only sees him once a week, and if he goes to pub after gone to bed even worse. If you are that desperate go early evening and take them with you - most pubs now are child friendly and at 12 old enough to take electronics if no other kid there etc.

WayfaringStranger · 26/03/2017 22:59

I don't think YABU but only because your DS wasn't happy. Personally, I think it's fine but if the child in question doesn't feel settled, then it's not fair on them. That said, it would be useful in general if you were able to build up his confidence when staying at home.

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander · 26/03/2017 22:59

It's not a safeguarding issue, and I wouldn't be concerned about the trip to rescue girlfriend, but the pub plans are a "being a really crap father" issue.

TreeTop7 · 26/03/2017 23:09

No issue obviously with a neurotypical 12 year old being alone for a while. However, like you, I would be annoyed at the ex's indifferent approach to spending time together during the one contact evening per week. Nothing worse than a bloke who prioritises his sex life over his kid.

Voice0fReason · 27/03/2017 10:21

I'm worried that the "hour" was a trial run and he's trying to get ds used to being alone in the evening/night.
It wasn't planned, it was a situation that arose. How on earth have you jumped to the conclusion that it was a trial run to leave him overnight?

I'm slightly gobsmacked that your DS was not happy about being left for 1-2 hours playing on the computer! Maybe you should start leaving him for short periods of time so he can get used to being able to cope, because at his age, he needs to be able to cope with that.

miserableandinpain · 27/03/2017 10:42

I think 1 or 2 hours is fine. When i was 13 my mum went into labour and had to go to the hospital withe her husband. I was lwft at home at about 1 am for 2 hours with my 8 year old sister whilst waiting for someone to babysit and take her to school for the am. But then again i was a capable teen. I had helped look after my sister and then the new baby from their birth and was regularly left with them. So it deoenda on the level of maturity if your dc. He sounds sensible as he decided to tell you about it. Unless he wasnt happy aboit it himself....

rookiemere · 27/03/2017 11:01

Voiceofreason - you'll see upthread that the DF has mooted the idea of leaving DS so he can go to the pub, hence the OP 's concern.

There is a difference between should a 12 year old be able to cope on his own for an hour or so in the evening without an adult in the house and should a DF who only chooses to see his DS one night a week choose to leave him alone so he can go to the pub.

I guess it just needs to be played by ear. If he does start doing pub visits and leaving DS on his own, then there doesn't seem to be much value in DS going there.

Roomba · 27/03/2017 11:29

My DS is 11, and would be absolutely fine to be left for an hour in the evening. I wouldn't do it unless it could be helped though, but in the situation you describe I wouldn't be concerned tbh.

If his DF is thinking of going out and leaving him for a few hours, I think that's very different. I wouldn't leave DS all evening by himself at all. I certainly wouldn't be leaving him to go out drinking - if he phoned needing help how would I get home quickly? If I'd had a few drinks I may not be able to judge if DS needed help or not, and drunk people are more likely to be involved in accidents whilst out. If I had an accident whilst drinking or on the way home, DS would be left at home alone with no idea where I was or what was going on - not acceptable at all IMO.

Why would someone choose the one day they see their DC each week to then go out without them? What's the point of him going there in that case?

WateryTart · 27/03/2017 11:32

I was baby sitting for neighbours at that age. YABU.

GavelRavel · 27/03/2017 11:33

This seems fine to me as long as he's sensible, isnt worried about it, has been left before during the day so used to it and in touch via phone, knows not to answer door etc. I'd leave my 12y old for an hour or so in the evening (not late at night) if he was on with it, which he would be.

Majorgoodwinschickenbeatstrump · 27/03/2017 12:36

I used to walk home 1.5 miles from school and let myself in from school at that age with a key. It was great- a bit of peace and quiet before everyone else got home (I am quite introverted!) Unless your son is very anxious I think you need to relax a little. He might feel a bit unsure and nervous on the first few occasions but he'll get used to it quickly. Just ensure he knows how to get out if he needs to, to not answer the door and how to ring out/have telephone numbers if need be.

saoirse31 · 27/03/2017 13:12

Can't see any issue with leaving 12 yr old for an hr, unless there are issues u haven't mentioned.

Porpoiselife · 27/03/2017 13:21

You are being ridiculous.

I wouldn't be happy. If her car broke down why couldn't she call breakdown cover or a friend?
I am guessing she didnt have breakdown cover - and she called her BF.

Your ex should have put the kids first. 9:30pm to me isn't evening, it's night time.

For one the kid is 12. And secondly the child was in way less danger, safely at home on his computer than a lone woman at the side of the road at 9.30 in the evening.

I would assume she had no one else to get her, which is why it was an emergency and the childs dad had to make a judgement call.

If my ex's new GF was in a similar situation I would most certainly support him leaving our 12 year old safely alone at home to go and get her!