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AIBU?

No Mother's Day present

190 replies

titianlove · 26/03/2017 12:02

I feel like an eejit but my husband asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day and I batted him off with och don't go to any bother so I got a card and nothing else. I wouldn't dream of doing that to him on Father's Day. I'm just a bit disappointed that I work my arse off full time for the family and this is how appreciated I am. I know ibu but I'm just a bit sad. He's fucked off in a huff because he can see I'm a bit upset.

OP posts:

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Eolian · 26/03/2017 21:41

It's a bit much to say you don't want anything and then complain when you don't get anything. I got lovely homemade cards from ds and dd and we went for a long walk in the mountains together and then had ice cream. I didn't expect or get a present. When the dc were very little I wouldn't have expected anything at all, as I think Mothers' Day is a mother-child thing, and was happy to wait until they were older.

qualityjaisket · 26/03/2017 21:42

Saying "Don't go to much bother" isn't the same as saying do nothing imo. It's saying don't go to masses of trouble. A bunch of daffs and a box of Quality Street etc isn't going to much bother. YANBU.

^This. I understood it to mean don't make a fuss, not don't bother getting anything.

blackteasplease · 26/03/2017 21:52

I think we all like to be spoiled/ have a fuss made at some point, whether it's mother's day, birthdays or everyday.

It makes us feel valued.

So yanbu to be upset if it never comee your way

titianlove · 26/03/2017 21:57

I didn't say I didn't want anything. I said do t go to any bother....they're not the same thing.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 26/03/2017 22:09

To a bloke that means not to bother getting you something. It's way to see how that would be interpreted.

kittybiscuits · 26/03/2017 22:10

They are not the same thing. To me it would mean a card and a bottle of wine/chocs/something you can pick up without going out of your way. But Mumsnet....so many cruddy excuses for lazy, unappreciative knobs.

gixx · 26/03/2017 22:12

Seems like he's took it literally. Wish men would be mind readers sometimes. Even though you said not to go to any bother, it's like well duh of course I would like something.

kittybiscuits · 26/03/2017 22:14

Yawn

SoupDragon · 26/03/2017 22:14

Wish men would be mind readers sometimes

It's probably better to wish that people would say what they mean and not leave others to guess.

SmallBee · 26/03/2017 22:16

I understand why you are a bit upset OP, however perhaps to your DH ' don't go to any bother' is the same as ' don't get me anything '. It would be for a lot of people.
Next time just be crystal clear with him so there's no room for misunderstanding.

Ojoj1974 · 26/03/2017 22:17

My DH bought cards from the kids and bubble bath (to join the two other bottles I have from Christmas which he bought..)
I would however have loved to get dressed up and take to a gorgeous hotel for Sunday lunch ...
sadly he seems to think it's a waste of money...

PurpleMinionMummy · 26/03/2017 22:17

Yes I'd think the same. I waited until the kids were old enough to understand and want to get presents for me before getting them. Sometimes DH helped them get something by taking them to the shops but generally they would have just drawn something or made something

So your dh DID do something despite you not being HIS mum and your kids not being able to do stuff entirely alone then. The same way any partner COULD help their small child make a card, or buy a box of chocs or daffs on their behalf.

rubberducker · 26/03/2017 22:22

You've put this in the wrong place OP - these kind of threads always get a zillion responses saying you're unreasonable because he's not your mum and why should you expect anything anyway blah blah blah blah.

I think your DH is a thoughtless idiot - how can it not have entered his head when he was picking up flowers and chocolates for his own mum to just get them for you too?! Yes, you're not his mum, but your child is not old enough to mark the occasion so he should help. I told my DH that I didn't need any fuss this year - I got the usual homemade cards from the kids from school etc along with a bouquet of flowers DH had arranged for them to give to me.

qualityjaisket · 26/03/2017 22:38

Underthemoonlight I asked my DP before telling him how I interpreted it and he said he took it to mean "I want something but don't make a fuss". "Don't go to any bother" meaning "Don't make too much fuss/spend too much/etc" may be a regional thing possibly because I guess from OP saying och and eejit that she is Scottish like myself. I can understand how "Don't go to any bother" could be interpreted as "Don't bother at all" elsewhere but certainly my male DP from this area takes it to mean don't make too much fuss.

cate16 · 26/03/2017 22:51

This is why you should send your child to preschool - they make cards for just about everything ...

AuditAngel · 26/03/2017 22:53

It's my birthday later this week. Yesterday I bought my own presents for that (not a problem as I wanted some tops) DH bought 6 bottles of cava (which he will drink half of) and told me that was my present. Then he opened one last night.

His mum got a plant, his aunt got a plant. I bought cards for them, and my mum. I got the left over card from the box of cards as he couldn't be bothered to buy one.

I'm not very impressed. So, Father's Day, I'll buy him wine and drink half of it, rather than the cognac he normally gets

TheWiseWoman · 27/03/2017 00:34

YABVU and a bit weird tbh. Why tell someone not to go to any bother then bitch about them not going to any bother?

BusterGonad · 27/03/2017 07:11

Don't go to any bother is a polite way of saying you'd like something but not necessary a Porsche on the driveway. My parents say don't bother but I don't take it literally, I still pop in with a card and a bunch of flowers. It's not hard to show someone you care. A little bit of thoughtfulness goes a long way in a relationship.

SoupDragon · 27/03/2017 07:18

Don't go to any bother is a polite way of saying you'd like something but not necessary a Porsche on the driveway

"Oh, just something small" would have been clearer and just as polite. "Don't go to any bother" is also a polite way of saying "I don't want anything".

user1484082284 · 27/03/2017 07:21

"I batted him off with och don't go to any bother"

And then you're upset because he didn't? My mother used to do this to me. "Don't get me anything, I don't care about it." And then throw a fit and get all emotional if I didn't. It was set up as a test of love and I'm sorry, it's manipulative and unfair. If you tell someone not to bother and they don't bother, that's on you, not them.

2rebecca · 27/03/2017 08:33

Is some of the problem that many women exempt their husbands from general card and present buying buy expect them to do it when it's them. My husband bought his mum a card and present, (but not his aunt it's not random female relative's day). If I bought his mum a mothers day card but then expected him to buy one for me when I'm not his mother that would be strange.
Make men do their own card and present buying.

BarbarianMum · 27/03/2017 08:38

In dh's family " Don't go to any bother" is a polite way of saying "Don't bother". My parents are foreigners so just tend to say what they mean, so it confused the hell out of me for years (do they want us to bring a cake or not?).

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DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 27/03/2017 08:40

Did your DD give you anything such as home or nursery made card? If she did I think that's the main think and DH doesn't need to get lots of stuff.

mumto2two · 27/03/2017 17:40

I'm afraid I get this with every occasion..not just Mother's Day.
Birthdays & Xmas too!

Cab65 · 27/03/2017 17:44

My partner went to spend the weekend with her children, my very pregnant daughter saw me on Saturday so that She could spend Sunday with her four year old and her husband I could have gone too but it's quite a journey, so I found myself alone on Mother's Day, then I thought f..k it I'm not cooking myself a dinner for one, so I went to the pub, had a great roast dinner three glasses of wine and a lovely afternoon with strangers. I'm going to do that again, it was lovely.

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