Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be selfish over new partner

115 replies

Downwithpeppa · 25/03/2017 09:57

To cut a long story short , I've been dating a man since January , about a month in he told me he'd been to prison for manslaughter , I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt as I really liked him and things have continued to go well he's given me absolutely no indication of being dangerous or anything . He comes off lovely and acknowledges the seriousness of what he did nearly 10 years ago . last week my dad found out and has gone absolutely ballistic and demanded I not speak to this man again or give up my relationship with him. I do have children but they have not been involved at this point. Aibu to ignore my dad and continue the relationship ?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/03/2017 20:32

ohdoado, sorry don't downplay it. This would be a biggie for me, he was convicted, and spent time in jail. I personally woukd not go out with someone who had been in prison. Sorry I would not, others may, but I woukd not!

Hefzi · 25/03/2017 20:33

It's interesting how many people are minimising the violence involved - I genuinely don't know a single man who has ever been involved in a fight. Not a single one. I don't think it's victim blaming to point out that this is not the norm.

contractor6 · 25/03/2017 20:39

Have you meet his friends and family yet OP, in your shoes if be wanting to see their views and interaction of him.
You have to make up your ow mind but proceed with caution.
Speak to your dad and explain you aren't jumping in blind and ask him to support you.

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/03/2017 20:39

Fascinating insight into the sort of person who is able to see - and utterly ignore - the street-party-bunting levels of red flags flapping and waving in the wind.

Good luck, OP.

Summerisdone · 25/03/2017 21:01

I understand you're dad's concern OP, after all manslaughter is definitely not a petty crime.
I do however know a lot of men who when they were in their late teens/early twenties would end up in bar fights many times after a few drinks, the vast majority of these men are now nothing like the silly little boys they were back then and wouldn't dream of instantly jumping in with fists if someone said or did something they didn't like, drunk or not.
It's very unfortunate for both your new partner and the poor man who lost his life, that what was probably silly immature young men arguing with with fists ended in such a tragic way, however it is very believable that he could be a different person now, because he most likely would have been a different and more respectable person ten years on even if the fight hadn't ended in such a way.

Summerisdone · 25/03/2017 21:05

Oh, I just wanted to add that I hope all goes well for you and your new relationship OP. If he stays as genuine and honest as he seems right now then I'm sure they will,
good luck Flowers

coconuttella · 25/03/2017 21:37

*I think it's ignorant to say "Dump him", etc. when no one knows the circumstances of the fight.

It could have been self defence.
The person he punched could have done something terrible.
The OP's OH may be absolutely devastated about it.
The other guy may have been giving as good as he got, but took one funny wrong step and fell backwards.

Killing in self-defence or a death resulting from an accident do not lead to a manslaughter conviction...
certainly not one where 2 years are served (I.e. Sentence is likely be 4 years) which suggests limited mitigating circumstances.

Manslaughter is death caused by reckless or negligent actions that a reasonable person would recognise give an appreciable risk of causing death.

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/03/2017 21:58

I think it's ignorant to say "Dump him", etc. when no one knows the circumstances of the fight.

FFS, you can dump someone because you don't like the way they hold their cutlery! Let alone because they killed a man. Hmm Especially when you don't even have kids together.

Jesus, the 'any man will do, as long as it's a man' brigade are out in force on this thread...

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/03/2017 22:26

Why are you so desperate?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/03/2017 22:32

You helped him with his taxes? You only met in January. That's extremely intrusive. Most people don't get stuck into the tax details of people they are dating, if asked you'd politely say no and I think WTF.

Did he need rescuing from the taxes? It was your job to save him? Did the confession about manslaughter actually make you feel a closer bond with him? I smell codependency traits. Got a new project OP?

ohdoadoodoo · 26/03/2017 10:37

Talk about jumping to conclusions, Runrabbit.

ApplePaltrow21 · 26/03/2017 13:12

Actually ohdoadoodoo, RunRabbit is 100% correct.

OP is way out of her depth here. She's 2 months in and this is already a complete disaster.

Katie0705 · 26/03/2017 13:45

With all due respect for the comments so far, the op is being given a rather hard time here!!

The incident was 10 years ago. Has no one made big mistakes in judgements or reactions in their own life, especially ten years ago when much younger and less mature?

Why would SS need to be involved because this man has a conviction?

There is much more to know and understand about the circumstances before writing this poor sod off and making the op feel worthless.

jacks11 · 26/03/2017 13:47

OP

Personally, I would be very wary. I know you've said what he has told you checks out- but have you had a thorough look into it, or just checked the conviction/time served etc is right?

I agree with a PP- manslaughter is death caused by reckless or negligent actions that a reasonable person would recognise as posing an appreciable risk of causing death. I don't think killing someone in self-defence would lead to a manslaughter conviction. Almost certainly not one where the sentence is 5 years.

TBH, I think your dad is right to be concerned, although hasn't got the right to tell you how to live your life.

From later posts it seems you have been in at least one abusive relationship- you feel this means you will recognise warning signs. Given that circumstance, it's even easier to understand why your dad is worried for you- and your children. Even if they haven't met him yet, presumably they will at some point? And if anything happens to you, they will be affected. So your children are involved, even if only peripherally for now.

In my experience many people think they will "notice the warning signs" but they don't until it's too late. Be very sure of your ground, take things very slowly. If he is the good man you think he is, then he will understand why.

I do think, though, that you minimising what happened somewhat- again not unusual to want to defend/minimise when you care for the person. But you need to look at this dispassionately. This is a man you may want your children to develop a relationship with if things become more serious.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/03/2017 17:40

In my experience many people think they will "notice the warning signs" but they don't until it's too late.

The 'warning sign' is that he was imprisoned for manslaughter. The 'warning sign' is that you have children, and unless you intend to keep this man entirely separate from them forever, they will have dealings with him, and they will be involved.

You're already ignoring the warning signs that people with solid boundaries would be running a mile from.

There are plenty more fish in the sea, surely. Wait for one who hasn't been to prison for manslaughter.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page