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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish over new partner

115 replies

Downwithpeppa · 25/03/2017 09:57

To cut a long story short , I've been dating a man since January , about a month in he told me he'd been to prison for manslaughter , I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt as I really liked him and things have continued to go well he's given me absolutely no indication of being dangerous or anything . He comes off lovely and acknowledges the seriousness of what he did nearly 10 years ago . last week my dad found out and has gone absolutely ballistic and demanded I not speak to this man again or give up my relationship with him. I do have children but they have not been involved at this point. Aibu to ignore my dad and continue the relationship ?

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 25/03/2017 14:34

You make it sound trivial re "fight gone wrong" but the fact is he fought and killed someone. A family lost their child.

I wouldn't date someone who thought it was ok to fight in the first place and certainly not someone that killed another person.

stitchglitched · 25/03/2017 14:38

No one is saying he isn't allowed a fresh start, only that it doesn't have to be a woman with a history of abusive relationships and children to consider that gives him one.

Nancy91 · 25/03/2017 14:54

Based on the info given I would give him a chance.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/03/2017 15:08

I think you need more time

So yes carry on seeing him. Don't introduce your dc yet

He has been honest with you. He made an error in judgement and sadly a life was lost - tho which he went to prison and served his time

Manslaughter is a tricky one

I belong to way and read many stories of dangerous driving and person being killed and they sometimes get off tho did kill someone

Or they do time of 4/6mths

Point being thy still killed someone

Ask him what happened. Research what you can under google or Clare's law then make a decision

Sounds like he is trying to turn his life around and has been by having a job etc

Theresnonamesleft · 25/03/2017 15:35

For me it depends on the reasons behind it.
I have a good friend who was convicted for manslaughter over 20 years ago. Since serving their time they have never been in trouble since nor before. Have a successful job, house, marriage, children etc.

Some at the time put it down to a fight gone wrong. It wasn't. It was attempted rape and friend fought back.

Not everything is black and white.

MasteroftheGame · 25/03/2017 16:04

Chit that's not coming across in this thread.

ApplePaltrow21 · 25/03/2017 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kennington · 25/03/2017 16:28

You could go for it if you didn't have kids as they may well be rehabilitated and it could have been an accident.
However with children you shouldn't be taking any chances whatsoever.

chitofftheshovel · 25/03/2017 18:36

What a lot of judgement, OP don't take the nasty comments to heart.

SookiesSocks · 25/03/2017 19:11

Apple that is a shocking comment!! Shock

Booshbeesh · 25/03/2017 19:16

I think giving someone a chance is atleast fair. He made a mistake? He was fighting? Men fight especially in there teens early 20s. We dont know his back.ground. he could have been defending himself.

He manages to hold down a job, hes got a home. He was in prison 2.5 yrs 10 years ago qhich means hes been out for over 7. Is this man supposed to write his entire life off because he made a mistake?

If you feel that he is a good person then you should continue your relationship. If he was abusive im sure in 7 years something qould have happened. Your an adult and so is he. Give him a chance

picklemepopcorn · 25/03/2017 19:17

I'd want to be sure there were no anger management problems before letting him into my home. A fight gone wrong could cover so many scenarios, from gang related, to one bad punch at someone who assaulted your girlfriend...

DearMrDilkington · 25/03/2017 19:28

I agree with everything apple said.

GeorgeTheHamster · 25/03/2017 19:37

Men fight?!
Not men I'd ever be with.
Not men I know.

Gallavich · 25/03/2017 19:41

2 months in? It's just not worth the risk. You haven't invested anything yet, cut your losses.
Children's services definitely could be involved if you stay with him and he starts having contact with the DC. They may know more than you do about his past so that could be a blessing.

NotTheFordType · 25/03/2017 19:42

Men fight?!
Not men I'd ever be with.
Not men I know.

TBH this sounds a bit victim blamey.

Anyone can get into a fight - unless they never leave their house. Things can go wrong and one punch can kill.

OP - only you can make this decision. Have you seen the court documents? Did your BF tell you this willingly before someone else dug it up? Does he express remorse for what happened?

Manupprincess · 25/03/2017 19:52

Ask him to give you the court transcript for his sentencing and for him to talk you through the event. Also ask him to talk you through his time in prison, including the courses he went on. It should include anger management. You need to work out if he has changed permanently and takes responsibility for his actions.
If you are truly determined to continue this relationship then he needs to be very open with you and you need to take it very slowly regarding children.

lottieandmia · 25/03/2017 19:58

I've often given people with dubious backgrounds 'the benefit of the doubt' and regretted it. I have AS so I'm quite naive. I would be very concerned about someone who has killed sorry.

stitchglitched · 25/03/2017 20:13

'You're an adult and so is he. Give him a chance'

OP's kids aren't adults. She doesn't have the luxury of taking a chance on a convicted killer. Fine if you only have yourself to think about but she is a parent.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/03/2017 20:14

Sorry, your dad is completely right! You have kids to consider too, I woukd run for the hills. You were in an abusive relationship before, does not sound good.

BertieBotts · 25/03/2017 20:15

FFS - no, it is not victim blamey to say that it's wise to be wary of men who get into fights.

Of course there are extreme circumstances, but generally, "men who fight" is a category which it would be advantageous for women to be aware of.

Booshbeesh · 25/03/2017 20:16

Apple -a month to forgive killing a man? The man wasnt anyone she knew? He didnt directly or indirectly hurt her and it was 10 years ago. So she didnt need to forgive anyone! Its if she can.accept what he done or not?

Booshbeesh · 25/03/2017 20:17

Also - no her kids are not adults. She isnt saying should she move in with him and marry him. She askin weather she should continue seeing him and see how things go? Its nothing to do with her children at this stage.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 25/03/2017 20:20

these are all good points (minus the strange SS comments i already clarified the children are not involved )

So you never going to introduce them then?

I can see why your dad is concerned.

ohdoadoodoo · 25/03/2017 20:28

I think it's ignorant to say "Dump him", etc. when no one knows the circumstances of the fight.

It could have been self defence.
The person he punched could have done something terrible.
The OP's OH may be absolutely devastated about it.
The other guy may have been giving as good as he got, but took one funny wrong step and fell backwards.

How many people get into fights every day? Absolutely hundreds of thousands. This man isn't evil. He punched someone and unfortunately that person died.

Judge the man who is in front of you OP. What would the world be like if we constantly judged people for their past mistakes?