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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my ex dp staying at my home?

167 replies

Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 14:54

I currently live at home with my parents and our son. I am 23, ex dp is 24. We broke up before Christmas, he does not have a job and has only recently (in the last week) found a house share to move into. The split was far from amicable and as such my parents (as well as myself) do not want him coming into our house for long periods of time or staying the night.

I have also started to see someone new, so even if we all had a better relationship I still don't think it would be appropriate for him to be staying the night. I do not think he should have moved into a house share as this will impair his ability to look after our son. He will not have anywhere to take our son back to (should it start raining heavily for instance), all contact time will have to be outside our home. He will not be able to have our son over night either because of this decision. He could have afforded to live in a flat of his own as he has savings, but he chose not to as it would be more costly for him.

Anyway, he is intimating that my parents and I are being unreasonable because we don't want him staying in the house for long periods of time or staying over night. He is arguing that we are blocking and preventing him from seeing his son, despite the fact that he made the conscious decision to move into a house share knowing this would affect his ability to care for our son properly. AIBU to not want him staying over? Sometimes I feel like I am going insane!

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 25/03/2017 09:13

Of course he shouldn't be able to stay at your parents.

You can't stop him spending the afternoon with your (joint!) child in his house though?

Apologies if I have misunderstood and that's not what you are saying.

isupposeitsverynice · 25/03/2017 09:30

When I split from my ex it was going to be so civilised and amicable. We would quite often stop for dinner at the others house when picking up the child and he covered some childcare for me at my house while he was between jobs. Eventually I found out he'd been through my computer for my email and Facebook passwords and was monitoring both accounts for months. I don't doubt he'd been through all my paperwork and god knows what else as well. So I think you're absolutely justified in your choices. Stick to it, not your problem he can't sort suitable accommodation.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 25/03/2017 09:34

No system will be perfect so for me let the RP decide.

Plenty of controlling RP's out there so I agree that unless it was an amicable split the courts should decide.

OP I agree its not appropriate to have your ex at your parents but what is in his bank account or what he spends it on is nothing to do with you, do you think he should have a say in how you spend your money?

LilacSpatula · 25/03/2017 09:42

Lima1 makes a good point. What's in your son's best interests? Probably being at home, safe, with his Dad there. Sorry but YABU.

Frouby · 25/03/2017 09:46

That's the problem Trifle. You are looking at it from a point of fairness for the NRP. I am looking at it from the point of what is best for the child.

Quite often no relationship with an abuser is best for the child.

dowhatnow · 25/03/2017 09:56

You absolutely should not have to have him in your home. However it is then up to him where he takes him so you can't dictate that he can't take him back to his. Your concerns are valid though. What about a compromise of no overnight stays there but he can use it throughout the day as long as he is supervised at all times - which he should be at age 2 anyway.

Trifleorbust · 25/03/2017 12:50

Frouby:

No, I am not. I am looking at it from the point of view that it is unjust for one parent to decide, always and unilaterally, what is best for a child who has two parents. What is neither parent is an abuser? What if the mother is the abuser? An independent decision maker is the only fair way to look at the welfare of the child.

Frouby · 25/03/2017 12:56

In theory yes Trifle you are 100% right. The reality is sadly very different. Which results in children being abused or even killed. Sometimes with the mother.

Trifleorbust · 25/03/2017 13:02

Frouby:

What do you mean, sometimes with the mother?

Frouby · 25/03/2017 13:40

I mean that the mother is killed or abused with the dcs.

If you do some googling you will see the reports and figures relating to this. I don't really want to as last time I read through them I found it quite distressing.

Trifleorbust · 25/03/2017 14:47

Frouby:

Right. Look, with respect, I think you allowing the issue of male abusers to cloud your judgement about what is balanced and fair.

Frouby · 25/03/2017 16:22

And I think you are allowing what's right and fair to cloud your judgement on the impact of male abusers on women and children.

Even low level abuse over the years can have a severe and detrimental effect. Why should women and children have to live like that to keep things 'fair'? You only have to read through the relationship boards on here or the lone parent threads to see what can and does happen.

Children have a right to a relationship with their father. But when that relationship is abusive why does what is fair trump that childs right to not have an abusive adult in their life? That the abusive adult gets to make decisions for them? Gets to spend time with them in situations that put them at risk?

Not all men are abusive. And not all mothers will do the right thing with regards to contact. Some mothers will no doubt use the children to punish the father or control him. But when mothers raise valid and real concerns about their childrens safety too often they are ignored. Especially when the father presents as a 'good citizen and perfect father'.

I hope the current campaign changes things for the better. And more mothers are listened to and believed when it comes to contact.

Trifleorbust · 25/03/2017 17:14

Frouby:

We're going to have to agree to disagree, I think.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 25/03/2017 19:04

And I think you are allowing what's right and fair to cloud your judgement

Wtf? Right and fair is a bad thing? Hmm

The delusion is strong in this one [yoda] I need a yoda emoticon

Frouby · 25/03/2017 19:39

I thought this was a parenting forum.

I really didn't expect for posters to argue that abusive men should be allowed to directly and indirectly abuse their ex partners and children once those partners had left. Ffs.

Am off this thread now. I don't find yoda references in the slightest bit appropriate or funny. Abuse isn't fucking funny.

Marmalade85 · 25/03/2017 19:52

You mention that you're seeing someone new already OP. How long before he has overnights with you and you introduce them to your child?

I wouldn't let my son go to a house share overnight. You don't know who is there

JustAnotherPoster00 · 25/03/2017 20:06

Tbh Frouby you are the only 1 repetitively mentioning abuse ans have subsequently derailed the thread, Im sure the OP was grateful for your help considering her OP had nothing to do with abuse Hmm

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