Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my ex dp staying at my home?

167 replies

Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 14:54

I currently live at home with my parents and our son. I am 23, ex dp is 24. We broke up before Christmas, he does not have a job and has only recently (in the last week) found a house share to move into. The split was far from amicable and as such my parents (as well as myself) do not want him coming into our house for long periods of time or staying the night.

I have also started to see someone new, so even if we all had a better relationship I still don't think it would be appropriate for him to be staying the night. I do not think he should have moved into a house share as this will impair his ability to look after our son. He will not have anywhere to take our son back to (should it start raining heavily for instance), all contact time will have to be outside our home. He will not be able to have our son over night either because of this decision. He could have afforded to live in a flat of his own as he has savings, but he chose not to as it would be more costly for him.

Anyway, he is intimating that my parents and I are being unreasonable because we don't want him staying in the house for long periods of time or staying over night. He is arguing that we are blocking and preventing him from seeing his son, despite the fact that he made the conscious decision to move into a house share knowing this would affect his ability to care for our son properly. AIBU to not want him staying over? Sometimes I feel like I am going insane!

OP posts:
Astro55 · 23/03/2017 15:39

I think he's being cheeky! There are lots of options - soft play muesums parents or grans houses -

Why should he stay at yours? Strange

happypoobum · 23/03/2017 15:41

YANBU

He is being pathetic and tight.

He will have to spend some of the money he saved on activities for DS won't he? Or just not have overnights?

TheXxxxx · 23/03/2017 15:42

student I am always mildly irritated when arguments like "Just because he is a man doesn't mean he is less able to keep DC safe." are made because even a cursory look at child abuse/neglected/violence stats will tell you that's it is extremely gendered. I would rather not hijack the OPs thread.
Instead I would just suck it up and have him stay with your child at your home. It's annoying and irritating but you know he will be safe.

Foxysoxy01 · 23/03/2017 15:42

I think he is clearly insane to think it would even be a possibility!

I would find in unacceptable as your parents and new partner tbh.

It is down to your ex to make reasonable accommodation arrangements for your DS. You really need to back off and not involve yourself in his living arrangements, let him be an equal parent which means finding suitable accommodation. He will soon work out for himself that a flat share isn't going to work but unfortunately he will have to work it out for himself.

It isn't really up to you to view his property before your DS goes there and I can't imagine the courts would look favourably on you for expecting to view his house etc but that in no way means he should be staying at yours! In fact it would probably really confuse your DS.

EpoxyResin · 23/03/2017 15:42

Look OP, as much as you'd be being shafted, if your ex really can legitimately have your child at his flat share (i.e. both the landlord and the other housemates really have said that's okay) it may be better for you to ask your parents to let him stay at yours. As others have said you don't really get to "approve" his circumstances.

It's shit, and he'd be benefiting at your expense, but for the sake of feeling your child is safer it may be the lesser of two evils. But the man's a tosser and you don't need me to tell you that.

averythinline · 23/03/2017 15:43

We stayed in our dads in a house share...he said he didn't have the money for a flat -wasn't in well paid job so probably true....slept in air beds ...not great but not disaster ... it's not up to you anymore I'm afraid you can suggest he overnights at his parents/hotel wherever but he does not have too.....do you think he should have anything to stay about your new boyfriend? He may equally have concerns about you introducing someone new into your dc life so soon......
If he's manky he will be manky wherever he lives ...

Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 15:45

The split was extremely bad, with him insulting and being rude to not only me but also my parents. Therefore they are unwilling to have him in their house as he is the cause of a tense and horrible atmosphere. Him and I also argue whenever we are in close quarters so that is not ideal either.

I am happy to have our son in my home overnight every night of the week. The issue is that he is accusing me of keeping our son from him and using him as a weapon because I have said that he cannot stay here overnight nor in the house for extended periods of time.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 23/03/2017 15:45

A shared house should not preclude him being able to take care of your son safely.

YANBU to refuse him staying in your house and either for long periods or overnight.

I presume he has his own room in the house and a common living room.

You could express to him your concerns about your son, based on the state of his previous homes and how that would be a danger to your son.

I'd say it in a pleasant manner and come from the angle of 2 year olds being terribly inquisitive and ask about things like safety plugs etc.

You could remind him of danger areas, like stairs and getting hands trapped in doors /cupboards.

Usually when you have a toddler living with you, the place is kind of child proof. Let him know your concerns and seek his reassurance that his home is safe for your son.

Be clear that you aren't trying to create obstacles, but you are putting the safety of your son first.

If he does the same, then he would welcome your comments.

Remember that the best thing for your son is his parents having a good coparent relationship.

EpoxyResin · 23/03/2017 15:46

Has he requested/suggested he could have your son at his flat share or is he only presenting you with the option of him coming to your parents' house?

Pleasedontbelikeme · 23/03/2017 15:47

I second what Epoxy just said. I would not be at all happy about this arrangement, but if you aren't comfortable with your child going to the flat share (I wouldn't be either), it might be the lesser of two evils to tolerate him at your parents house - is the house big enough that you could keep out of each other's way when he's there?

EweAreHere · 23/03/2017 15:47

That is what I said to him Crispbutty. He should be using his savings to spend time with our son and making sure he has an appropriate place to take him back to. His response what that he 'didn't see why he should spend all his savings on a flat.'

Because he is a father who wants to be able to spend time with his child, that's why.

And if he doesn't want to spend his money on a flat, he'll have to spend it in some other manner to facilitate spending time with his own child. Such as driving to his own relatives' homes to stay there with him. Or booking a hotel room on his weekends. Or finding a better shared-house situation perhaps another single parent with weekend custody.

But this is his problem, end of. Not yours. He needs to sort out his own life and finances to see his child, not rely on you to do so.

Politely tell him to fuck off next time he suggests you need to make these arrangements for him.

SandyY2K · 23/03/2017 15:48

I have said that he cannot stay here overnight nor in the house for extended periods of time.

Have you told him the reason is because he was abusive and rude? And due to the arguments when you're together, it's not in the best interests of you or your son to be in the same environment.

llangennith · 23/03/2017 15:48

A shared house would certainly preclude anyone have a DC of mine overnight!
YANBU in not allowing him into your house for a minute let along overnight. It's your DC's father's responsibility to find himself a place that is suitable for him to access his son. His problem, his responsibility, not yours.

Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 15:49

averythinline I wouldn't introduce a new partner into our sons life for a very long time. I do however think it is different introducing a partner that you have presumably vetted over a period of months, than introducing him and having him stay over in a house of random people that nobody really knows anything about.

OP posts:
EpoxyResin · 23/03/2017 15:50

...If he's only suggesting coming to yours then he probably knows the flat share isn't an option so you don't need to worry about him taking him there.

In which case you are totally NOT preventing him in any way seeing his son - he has all sorts of ways of doing that.

Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 15:53

He has mentioned in passing that our son could stay overnight at the house share, but as far as I am aware he hasn't spoken to the landlord or other tenants.

His main argument seems to be that I am unreasonable for not letting him come into my home or stay the night to look after our son. I don't see why I should have to facilitate him because he made an irresponsible decision.

OP posts:
Chottie · 23/03/2017 15:54

OP - please follow your gut reactions on this one. I totally agree with you.

Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 15:55

I don't think him being here would be healthy for anyone either. I can see a marked difference in our sons behaviour when he is in our house. The atmosphere is horrendous.

OP posts:
EpoxyResin · 23/03/2017 15:55

You absolutely DON'T have to facilitate him because he made an irresponsible decision.

...you may CHOOSE to if you think it would be better for your child than the alternative, which it sounds like it would! But that's up to you. And like I say, he's still a cock.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/03/2017 15:56

Just my own experience :

When my ex-h was going to live in a houseshare pretending he wasn't living with ow his solicitor advised him that this would not be suitable for overnight stays with our DS. Indeed same solicitor also told him that the court would be unlikely to grant overnights under these circumstances.

He is being a dick and is trying to worm his way back in. Stand your ground.

Lima1 · 23/03/2017 15:56

Op I practise in family law and I think you are being unreasonable. I can completely understand that you do not want him staying overnight or for long periods in your parents house ie 4 hours+, however you cannot dictate exactly how he has access to his son. From your posts it seems that you only want the access to include him taking the child out someplace public ie play centre and dictating that he cannot have him in his rented house.
You can of course raise the issue of the safety of the child in the house particularly regarding overnights, but you seem to be assuming its not suitable without having an idea who is actually living there.
If you feel his house isn't suitable and you wont allow him in yours, then I would be asking you to pay towards the cost of the contact centre. You seem to want to be blocking him everyway and that isn't in the best interest of your child.
You cant dictate that he spend his savings paying for a flat that you think he should have, there are ways around this but you don't seem open to compromise at all.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2017 15:56

I wouldn't have him at your parents' house. But I'd send my son to his houseshare because methinks he's trying to eek out of having his son overnight.

DJBaggySmalls · 23/03/2017 15:57

He's just trying to make you look unreasonable. But you're not. You know you're not, like you know all the guilt trips and bad atmosphere are ways of emotionally controlling people.

Love51 · 23/03/2017 15:59

All you have to do to facilitate contact is to make your child available. It's probably in the best interest of the child to send them with spare clothes, maybe packed lunch if money is a serious issue. But you are not required to compromise feeling safe in your own home. And overnights, particularly if you are uncomfortable with it, is a blurring of boundaries. You don't have to let him cross the threshold. And actually, if it isn't your house, it isn't your decision to make if your parents don't want him there.

StudentMum92 · 23/03/2017 16:00

Lima1 - Speaking sense!