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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my ex dp staying at my home?

167 replies

Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 14:54

I currently live at home with my parents and our son. I am 23, ex dp is 24. We broke up before Christmas, he does not have a job and has only recently (in the last week) found a house share to move into. The split was far from amicable and as such my parents (as well as myself) do not want him coming into our house for long periods of time or staying the night.

I have also started to see someone new, so even if we all had a better relationship I still don't think it would be appropriate for him to be staying the night. I do not think he should have moved into a house share as this will impair his ability to look after our son. He will not have anywhere to take our son back to (should it start raining heavily for instance), all contact time will have to be outside our home. He will not be able to have our son over night either because of this decision. He could have afforded to live in a flat of his own as he has savings, but he chose not to as it would be more costly for him.

Anyway, he is intimating that my parents and I are being unreasonable because we don't want him staying in the house for long periods of time or staying over night. He is arguing that we are blocking and preventing him from seeing his son, despite the fact that he made the conscious decision to move into a house share knowing this would affect his ability to care for our son properly. AIBU to not want him staying over? Sometimes I feel like I am going insane!

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 16:42

He isn't working because he hasn't made an effort to look for a job. The entire time he lived with me (3 years) he had one job which lasted 6 months. The only reason he got that job is because it was through my mother. He has a job interview a couple of weeks ago but didn't go to it because 'he didn't have a place to live yet'. Confused

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2017 16:45

Well, if he doesn't adequately supervise and/or you wouldn't be comfortable with him stepping out for an instant, then I guess you can tell him no.

But I agree with MrsC that you need to initiate court action to get a formal ruling. Right now you really have no legal grounds to stand on as absent a court order you both have equal rights to the child. So once the child is with him, you have no legal control over what he does.

SandyY2K · 23/03/2017 17:02

With all your additional information, then I agree that overnights aren't a good idea with his current accommodation.

It is not your responsibility to find a suitable place for him to see his son and if it was so important for him to have overnights with his son, then that should have been his top priority when looking for a place to live.

Could he not take them to his parents house for overnights? At least it would be family and not randoms.

averythinline · 23/03/2017 17:07

Sorry I wasn't saying you were introducing you're new partner its just he could say that ....You can say no to overnights/time at your parents as it is not your house and your 'landlords' as such have refused permission however I do think he could argue that you can't refuse him overnights as he lives in a houseshare...but he would have to go to court to get an agreement....so you could call his bluff- I think the court could agree with him but all the arrangement could do is start from then....which maybe in an while if ever .....

If you give him day time access though what is to stop him just keeping him overnight anyway? there was a poster a few months back whose ex just kept the child and he had pr and it was not straightforward to sort (can't remember the details)

I would no matter how galling workout something that doesn't leave you shafted for the longterm - or just start the court proceedings yourself
I

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/03/2017 17:16

I don't understand how you think he can afford a flat of his own if he isn't working Confused

I assume he is paying maintenance to you too.

Whereas I agree I wouldn't want him to stay in your property I think YABU by not letting him stay at his home. No doubt they will stay in his room and that he'll have a TV etc all set up in an individual lockable room? It will just be kitchen/bathroom that is shared. If he is supervising your son in those areas where is the problem?

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/03/2017 17:33

Why is everybody ignoring the fact that this is an HMO and a child will not be allowed to stay there! Please RTFT!!!! The court will not allow overnights under these circumstances anyway, my ex tried this and was told quite clearly that it wasn't suitable accommodation, as I said earlier in the thread!

GreenPeppers · 23/03/2017 17:35

What is an HMO?

Stuck16 · 23/03/2017 17:43

House of multiple occupants or along those lines

Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 17:43

Allthebestnamesareused - He has just shy of 10k in savings, which would easily cover his rent for the year. Assuming he would get a job in the next 2-3 months, he would only need to use approx £2,000 of his savings. If it was me, I would live off pot noodle and only have cold showers if it meant I could have proper access and responsibility for my child.

He doesn't pay any maintenance to me.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 23/03/2017 17:44

GreenPeppers, it's multi-occupancy accommodation, usually a house that has been converted into small bedsits. It's not a flatshare, some are better than others in that they have small kitchenettes and private facilities, most do not...shared living space too. They also usually have "no under 16" clauses. Not suitable for child safe features, co-occupiers will have had no vetting by the landlord other than credit checks.

Trifleorbust · 23/03/2017 18:26

It's really confusing, though. People are housed in HMOs by councils all the time, including with kids. Why are they deemed to be able to supervise their children, but a NRP isn't?

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/03/2017 18:55

Trifleorbust, I have no idea. I think councils call them "hostels" Hmm

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2017 19:02

I would assume that 'hostels' used by councils and the people placed there are subject to some type of vetting?

AbernathysFringe · 23/03/2017 19:08

My ex stays the night quite often, if convenient to both of us. His usual contact with our 2yr old is 2x a week for about 5 hours. Most of that is at my house or taking her out for the day sometimes. He also doesn't have a suitable place to take her back to. I've found the benefits of this are great, we have a catch up, he has time to see her routine at home, to chat to me about her etc. I can relax or get stuff done, knowing they are just hanging out in the next room or the garden etc. You might find it's good having that level of input or control if his visits are at yours. Also, I think trying to keep it non hostile with your ex and facilitating his contact with your child is more important than your very new relationship really.

Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 19:16

AbernathysFringe Of course my ex dp's relationship with our child is more important than a new relationship. Even if I wanted to facilitate him at my house - which I don't due to it being extremely tense and awkward - it is not my house to be inviting him to.

OP posts:
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 23/03/2017 19:18

HMO isn't necessarily a hostel, it just means house of multiple occupancy. Like a student house - not a family occupying the whole building basically.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/03/2017 19:24

I still remain stunned at some of the comments here. Yes, it's great to be able to have a lovely relationship with you ex, chat, stay over blah blah but in reality for 99% of people that's just not an option! It just isn't, abuse, control, non-amicable split etc etc. Suggesting the OP should do this when her relationship is over and she's living in her parents house, who the ex has been rude to, is just ridiculous! There is no way on God's earth that this could have happened with my ex, no way, indeed, his "partner" has decided he should have no contact at all with our DS so that's what he did! The realities of divorce etc appear to be lost on some posters here. Further the suggestion that the OP is putting her new relationship before her son's welfare means that some haven't read the whole bloody thread!

Felicia, no I didn't say an HMO was a hostel, I explained upthread to somebody who asked what it was, then another poster asked why this sort of accommodation was OK for the council to provide..except it's not classed as that, it's classed as a hostel, therefore apparently acceptable.

Across (waves, sends hugs!), yes I have a friend who found herself in this unfortunate situation recently, but the hostel was occupied solely by other mothers in the same situation awaiting permanent accommodation...still rubbish though. Also, hostels are purpose built accommodation generally, not somebody's house that has been converted and the landlord is renting out to random individuals on a bedsit basis.

EpoxyResin · 23/03/2017 19:28

I think as well councils tend to use "hostels" as emergency accommodation only, in circumstances where the alternative is having literally nowhere to sleep, rather than as an acceptable long-term solution.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/03/2017 19:31

Yes Epoxy, that's correct, although my poor friend was in one for about 5 months. Grim.

Astro55 · 23/03/2017 19:49

OP can you agree to drop him at his parents - and they can facilitate him? Why can't he stay there? Where was he between xmas and a week ago?
Can you ring them and ask what they think? Have they been to visit?

Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 19:55

Astro55 Ex Dp's parents live in the North of England - approximately a 5 hour drive in the car. Too far for me to drop him off/pick up on a weekly basis.

He was staying on various friends sofas until he moved into the house share.

From what he has told me and I have heard through the grapevine, they think he should be living in his own flat but are unwilling to help him to do so (which is fair enough as it is ultimately his responsibility). I have not spoken to them directly since we split.

OP posts:
Katie0705 · 23/03/2017 20:11

Op...follow your gut instincts here. You are right to be concerned about who lives in the house as you do not know them, as well as the suitability and safety of the place. Talk to your Health Visitor about the problems you are facing. You are being a loving and caring mother!

SingingSilver · 23/03/2017 20:45

I lived in a shared house with other tenants for 6 months. One could leave in the morning to be replaced by a new tenant by lunchtime - even if the OP met them all, it couldn't be guaranteed they would all be there the next month, and with a high turnover situation like that, there could be easily be people coming and going who should not be around children unsupervised. And if it's a room for single adult occupancy he may not even be allowed to have his dc to stay.

lucylou1234 · 24/03/2017 00:57

Hi op,

YANBU on both accounts. It is HIS responsibility to make sure he has suitable accommodation if he wants overnight contact with his son. There is no way i would allow my child to stay in a house where i don't even know the other occupants, god knows who they are. No court would allow it either. I think most of the people who are posting saying they would allow it, would actually think twice if they were in ur situation.

Continue to offer contact through the day until he finds his own flat.

I also agree with other posters here about going to the courts and getting things done through official channels. I know it's a scary and daunting process but you both know where you stand and possibly kick his arse into gear and realise he needs to grow up, get a proper flat and a job.

He should also be paying maintenance once he's working.

Also can't believe the cheek he has demanding that he stays at ur house and turning it round on u think he needs a reality check x

Trifleorbust · 24/03/2017 06:53

I don't think people living in hostels or HMO's are vetted.

This may sound like a goady question but it is a serious one to all those people saying there is no way he should be allowed to have his child in a HMO: if you lost your job and were forced to move into a shared residential arrangement of that nature, would you expect to lose your child?

I don't think you would. I think you would argue that your child would simply be supervised by you, that the room would be locked, that you wouldn't leave them in that room etc.

This is the same as that. He is a parent - why should he not be able to make those same arguments?

He does sound like a loser, having said all that.

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