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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my ex dp staying at my home?

167 replies

Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 14:54

I currently live at home with my parents and our son. I am 23, ex dp is 24. We broke up before Christmas, he does not have a job and has only recently (in the last week) found a house share to move into. The split was far from amicable and as such my parents (as well as myself) do not want him coming into our house for long periods of time or staying the night.

I have also started to see someone new, so even if we all had a better relationship I still don't think it would be appropriate for him to be staying the night. I do not think he should have moved into a house share as this will impair his ability to look after our son. He will not have anywhere to take our son back to (should it start raining heavily for instance), all contact time will have to be outside our home. He will not be able to have our son over night either because of this decision. He could have afforded to live in a flat of his own as he has savings, but he chose not to as it would be more costly for him.

Anyway, he is intimating that my parents and I are being unreasonable because we don't want him staying in the house for long periods of time or staying over night. He is arguing that we are blocking and preventing him from seeing his son, despite the fact that he made the conscious decision to move into a house share knowing this would affect his ability to care for our son properly. AIBU to not want him staying over? Sometimes I feel like I am going insane!

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 23/03/2017 16:01

Lima1
Check the previous answer given by TheFormidableMrsC.

Astro55 · 23/03/2017 16:02

Op I practise in family law and I think you are being unreasonable

Really? Who do you think is suggesting seeing the child at her home? Who do you think has raised the possibility of staying overnight?

That thought wouldn't cross the OPs mind only the XP mind - and he's cross because she's said no!!

If he thought his accommodation was suitable he wouldn't ask to sleep at OPs house or even consider being in their home with her parents !! Maybe he suggested they all leave while he has contact?

Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 16:04

The original agreement (before he moved into the house share) was that he would have our son Friday evening - Sunday evening. Since I am not comfortable with him having our son stay overnight in a house share I have since said he can have him from 8am - 5pm Sat/Sun. This isn't good enough for him as he says he wants to have our son overnight his actions say otherwise. And if I am not happy with our son staying in a house share, then I should let him stay at mine.

The way I see it, I am not blocking or preventing him from seeing his son. He knew the situation with my house, that my parents and I are not comfortable with him being there or staying overnight. Yet he still chose to move into a house share.

OP posts:
EpoxyResin · 23/03/2017 16:06

If he thought his accommodation was suitable he wouldn't ask to sleep at OPs house or even consider being in their home with her parents !!

Yup, abso-bloody-lutely. I've got a funny feeling that if OP told him to seek overnight contact through the courts he wouldn't bother trying to get it at all because he knows full well his flat isn't suitable. Of course what he WOULD do is try to bully and cajole the OP even more into submitting to his wishes. But that's just my hunch.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/03/2017 16:07

I can't believe the amount of people who think that the ex somehow has a right to have his contact facilitated at the home of OP's parents, indeed stay overnight, when they are no longer a couple and the split was not amicable. There is NO WAY I would allow my ex-h to stay in my home, under any circumstances. It appears to me that OP's ex is the one who is trying to make contact difficult and now pulling the age old "you're preventing me from seeing my son". I do not see this is the case at all and the OP has valid concerns. The man appears to be unable to take any responsibility and expects everybody else to do his bidding.

HirplesWithHaggis · 23/03/2017 16:08

Why would he have to clear it with his flatmates/ll before having his dc to stay overnight? Do all the flatmates plus ll approve every overnight stay of a gf/bf?

Stuck16 · 23/03/2017 16:10

My exh lives in a houseshare and it states in his tenancy agreement that no children under the age of 16 are allowed on the premises at any time.

He doesn't have the kids overnight for this reason and he takes the kids out when he wants to see them- we're almost a year down the line so things aren't as tense as they were and I have agreed he can spend time in my house with them so he can see them more often.

You are not bu at all- chances are he can't even have your son on the premises at the houseshare and it sounds to me like you've suggested a fair few compromises

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/03/2017 16:15

Stuck, you've just said what I was going to say...I know somebody who has an HMO and that rule applies there too. There are many good reasons for it and in this case, I believe the OP's ex knows this and has done it on purpose so that he can get his foot in the door at OP's parents. He's now throwing a tantrum because they've said no Hmm

blueskyinmarch · 23/03/2017 16:17

I think in part yabu because you really don’t know what the flat share would be like. My DD1 is 24 and flat shares - she and her flatmates are lovely young people and would pose no risks to a small child. DD1 is 19 and a student. She is immensely lovely as are her friends who she is planning to share with. They are not hard drinking party animals. Lots of students are just nice ordinary people. I guess what i am saying is that maybe you shouldn’t pre-judge his flatmates. Could you go visit his flat just to check out the accommodation etc?

I do get that you don’t want him hanging about your home though. that would be hard. There are plenty things he could do out of the house with your DS - soft play places, swimming pool etc for wet days and parks for dry days.

EpoxyResin · 23/03/2017 16:19

Why would he have to clear it with his flatmates/ll before having his dc to stay overnight? Do all the flatmates plus ll approve every overnight stay of a gf/bf?

Yeah, sometimes there are stipulations depending on "who makes the rules" if you know what I mean. If one of the sharers owns the place then it's definitely their shout! If not, group shares often get a bit sniffy about regular non-paying house guests, either just because it wasn't part of the "deal" (particularly a 2 year old - I can imagine not being best impressed in my early 20s about having to take into account a toddler in the house I was paying towards) or just because they perceive them as using extra utilities, the costs of which are usually split. Landlords often know this so have clauses about guests staying over, just to make sure they don't lose paying tenants because of a falling-out!

Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 16:19

I will suggest the travel lodge option as some PP have said, though I doubt ex partner will be on board with this has he is extremely tight. Hence moving in a house share in the first place.

I genuinely feel as though I have been reasonable, and to have ex partner as well as ex MIL and FIL telling me I am preventing our son from seeing his dad is very upsetting.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 23/03/2017 16:20

bluesky the kind of situation you are describing is most definitely not the sort of accommodation the OP is describing. I am very well versed with HMO's. They are random individuals renting a room, sharing some space such as kitchen/bathrooms (although not always) and usually a communal living area. The one I know near me is full of men. While I am not saying that any of those men are potential abusers, nobody knows their backgrounds and nobody knows anything about them. HMO's are not suitable for small children in terms of child safety features and this is the reason why so many have a no "under 16" clause. To be fair, as lovely as your daughter sounds I am not sure that they would all want a child staying in their flat every other weekend, it's not realistic nor sustainable IMO.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/03/2017 16:22

OP, my advice to you is to give your ex daytime contact as you have suggested and if he wants anything more than that, to make an application to the family court. He won't.

EpoxyResin · 23/03/2017 16:23

Agree completely with TheFormidable.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2017 16:24

I agree with not opening your/your parent's home to him.

As far as the flat share, I think it depends. Would he be willing for you to see the place to make sure it meets 'basic' cleanliness/safety standards? Not that it's sterile or childproof, just that there aren't needless hazards. How well has he supervised your (and his) son in the past? A 2 year old can't really be left unsupervised so I'd think, if he's been a responsible parent in the past, the chances of your son being left unsupervised with one of the flatmates is practically nil.

I understand that things are not the most congenial, but don't put unnecessary obstacles in his way. It won't look good in court later.

Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 16:24

Yes TheFormidableMrsC , the type of accommodation that is he staying in is one where the rooms are all rented individually to random tenants. Not a group of friends all renting together. Nobody (including ex dp) knows the background, history, or anything really about the other tenants. He has his own room but the bathroom and other living areas are shared.

I just don't feeling comfortable with our young son staying in a flat and sharing facilities that is occupied by people we collectively know nothing about.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 23/03/2017 16:25

"He is arguing that we are blocking and preventing him from seeing his son, despite the fact that he made the conscious decision to move into a house share knowing this would affect his ability to care for our son properly."
Broken record technique. Do not engage in an argument, just keep repeating that you are not preventing him from seeing his son but his behaviour towards you and your parents means that he is not welcome in your home, and as soon as he arranges suitable accommodation for his child you will be delighted to facilitate overnight stays. And repeat. And repeat. And ignore any attempts to draw you into an argument.

EpoxyResin · 23/03/2017 16:27

From the experiences of others OP it sounds like his tenancy agreement might preclude it anyway. Tell him to make a formal application for overnights if he wants them.

HecateAntaia · 23/03/2017 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenPeppers · 23/03/2017 16:30

YANBU to say that he shouldn't be staying at your house.

YAabitU to also say he shouldn't have his ds at his house.
Yes it's a shred accommodation but you haven't seen the place nor do you have any reason (yet) to say that it would be dangerous for your ds to stay there.

What I'm finding interesting is the fact your ex is insisting that he stays at your house with his ds.
He seems to think that the place he has chosen isn't suitable for his ds. Or that having a young child there will cause HIM problem with the other guys there.
Otherwise, why on earth would he want to stay at your place? To annoy you as much as he can?

Original poster
Anonymous2121 · 23/03/2017 16:30

At risk of seeming like I am needlessly criticising him AcrossthePond55, he spends the majority of the time he has with his son staring at his phone. There have been some occasions in the past where potential accidents could have happened due to lack of supervision.

Regardless of this, I would need to trust him that he would sit in his bedroom the entire time our son was sleeping over. I wouldn't want him going into the kitchen, living room or even bathroom and leaving our son in a shared house bedroom on his own. I just don't think it would be responsible of me to put our son in a position where he could be potentially interacting with people we know nothing about. And it's impossible to expect ex-dp to not even use the toilet whilst our son was staying over.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 23/03/2017 16:32

Twatface wanted contact at my parents house, I refused and the courts agreed with me. It is not in the courts power to force a third party to facilitate contact on their property.

So I'm with theFormidablemrsC. OP tell him he can have days not nights till he finds a suitable alternative for the children.

And whoever suggested OP pay for a contact centre, OP is not objecting to day time contact it's nights, and I haven't come across any contact centres which do nights!

EweAreHere · 23/03/2017 16:35

If you feel his house isn't suitable and you wont allow him in yours, then I would be asking you to pay towards the cost of the contact centre. You seem to want to be blocking him everyway and that isn't in the best interest of your child.

I call BS. If his house isn't suitable, it isn't a suitable. I'm sure a court would be happy to weigh in if he feels differently .. who knows maybe it will, so problem solved.

But if not, why should OP towards the cost of a contact centre when he has the money to find appropriate accommodation or make alternative arrangements? He needs to sort this. OP shouldn't have to sort this for him. The child is available to visit his father; his father needs to make sure he has someplace to have him

Lucked · 23/03/2017 16:38

I agree no overnight stays but there is no reason they couldn't go there in the rain or to eat lunch.

I get that you find him tight but it would be irresponsible for someone who is unemployed to blow all their savings on rent. However he is now a parent and it is it your or your parents job to provide a comfortable environment for his son during contact, that is very much his job.

Is there a reason he isn't working?

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/03/2017 16:42

Again, I don't think it is remotely likely that he will be allowed to have a child overnight to stay in an HMO, the courts are also unlikely to grant this either so I think that can be ruled out.

This all about his control over the OP. He knows full well he has picked unsuitable accommodation and he has done this for the reason I have just said.

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