to not understand the whole 'benign neglect' thing?

[deliverdaniel]

I've heard the phrase 'benign neglect' on here a lot, often seemingly as a bit of a boast. As in "you are being a helicopter parent, I just let mine get on wtih it, they entertained themselves by making their own board games out of leaves" or whatever.

I would love to parent in this way, and have tried it in sustained form for a few montsh at a time, but find it very hard. If I don't give my kids attention, they kick off, and continually whine for me, get upset, start acting up or in my toddler's case, start trashing things in the house. I find that the more focused attention they get, the better behaved they are. If not they constantly seem desperate for my attention. So how do you actually do the benign neglect thing? Are your children less demanding than mine? Did you only start this when they were older? Do you play with them at all? Or is it really a case of you getting on with your life while they play around you happily?

Any specific tips or advice welcome. Thank you

My childhood was full of benign neglect but never of any actual neglect. I spent hours playing outside with brothers and neighbourhood children, hours pottering around the house. I walked alone to school, I went to the beach with friends as soon as I was able to swim competently, I took the boat out alone from around the age of 10 (but had been very thoroughly trained and was a good judge of wind and weather), I was allowed to cook and bake from an early age with minimum supervision (but then again, I was very good at it), I cycled round the woods. Many of those things are what children from my Scandinavian county still do.

Underlying it all was the firm knowledge that my mum and dad enjoyed my company, that they liked having me around, but that we also each had our own things to do from time to time. And that whatever difficulties I ran into, I could always go home and get help. And that every evening, I would be sitting with my parents and brothers around the kitchen table and we would all be together and everybody would be listened to.

Excellent post by Silence above.

MN gets full of posts during the summer holidays from (usually) mothers full of angst at failing to find enough to amuse their child/ren 24/7. It's madness. Children need to be left to use their imagination to make up games and play together without adult intervention. As someone said up-thread, they are going to be very disappointed adults if they are raised believing they are the centre of the universe and it's someone else's job to amuse them 24/7.

Once they get to 5/6+ its also easier because if they come up to you moaning that they are bored you can reply "Great, because I've got jobs for you to do! Go sweep the stairs/tidy your room/pick up toys/rake the leaves etc." and you can be sure that 90% of the time they'll be magically not bored any more and the other 10% they'll actually do the job You just have to be firm and not give in.

I think back to my childhood when I think about when to intervene or not. I had a good amount of freedom, based upon the circumstances for instance when we were on holiday in Lapland me and my brother could roam freely through the fields and forests, play by the lake etc. whereas at home in town our freedom was a bit more restricted because there were more dangers there (traffic, lots of people etc.). In Holland where separate cycle paths were the norm we would have freedom to ride our bikes anywhere because there was less risk as we weren't riding on the road. So my parents assessed risks and allowed freedom accordingly, so that's what I do with DD.

Also when my parents played with us, they didn't play children's thing like pretend play or playing with dolls and whatnot, they played boardgames and card games with us, told stories and read to us (mum) or shared their favourite tv programmes with us (dad). They also spent time with us by getting us involved in working with them like cooking (mum) or spelling things or typing for dad (dyslexic). So we didn't lack for attention, but it was on their terms, not ours, and I think that was a good thing.

Benign neglect is a load of shit because people like to label absolutely everything. It's just not a thing. There's no neglect in letting your children grow and teaching them to be independent in a safe way.

If someone asked how I raised my dc I wouldn't say "with blind neglect". Utterly stupid, to me at least.

I'll be honest. I kinda "get" that if you've actually been neglected, using the term "neglect" when really you're talking about taking a bit of a step back, fostering independence, or having a more "hands-off" approach could be construed as offensive.

OP I have two boys aged 3 and 6 (just). The eldest has always needed me to play with him, which was tough when I was pregnant with hyperemesis. He still loves me to play Top Trumps, Playmobil, Lego etc with him, but due to his brother coming along he's had to learn to play by himself more. Ds2 has always been very good at sitting and entertaining himself. So I think a lot of it is temperament/personality.

I've always taught them that 1pm-3pm (ish) is quiet time, where I get to lie on the sofa and doze. So they've had to learn to play quietly or watch TV/go on the ipad. I do try and give them proper focused 1-2-1 time each day, mostly it's just bedtimes stories but I do try to put my phone down and play with them for 20mins here and there. But they can play by themselves better now because a) their age and b) because I've had to be tough on occasions and say "Mummy is tired, we've had a busy day, so you two are going to play nicely whilst I sit down for half an hour for some peace".

I'm sure they'll get the message; you'll just have to perfect "The Look" !

theshapeofyou thanks. Yes TV/ ipad definitely works for us too (and we use it happily when we need a break). It's the entertaining themselves wihtout TV or our input that is harder. My older DS is very good at it. The younger one not so much (opposite of yours!) I guess a lot of it is temperament.

Have you any of those Orchard Games toys? My 3yo is obsessed with "Shopping List" (bingo) and will happily play it by himself for ten mins most days. Especially as it means he always wins

theshapeofyou good idea- we live abroad, but I'll see if I can order. Thank you!