to not understand the whole 'benign neglect' thing?

[deliverdaniel]

I've heard the phrase 'benign neglect' on here a lot, often seemingly as a bit of a boast. As in "you are being a helicopter parent, I just let mine get on wtih it, they entertained themselves by making their own board games out of leaves" or whatever.

I would love to parent in this way, and have tried it in sustained form for a few montsh at a time, but find it very hard. If I don't give my kids attention, they kick off, and continually whine for me, get upset, start acting up or in my toddler's case, start trashing things in the house. I find that the more focused attention they get, the better behaved they are. If not they constantly seem desperate for my attention. So how do you actually do the benign neglect thing? Are your children less demanding than mine? Did you only start this when they were older? Do you play with them at all? Or is it really a case of you getting on with your life while they play around you happily?

Any specific tips or advice welcome. Thank you

I was brought up with 'benign neglect' and it was pretty lonely, to be honest.

SpikeGilesSandwich - how old is your DS? Mine is 6 and it is definitely easier after 4 years old.

My DS is an only child, but I also grew up as an only child myself, so I find that helps a lot as I have plenty of experience of finding ways to entertain myself.

For me, encouraging games that require using his imagination and introducing an element of 'challenge' work best. For example, a few weeks ago he had been pretending to be a spy, so we created a game of "spies" round the house. I started it off by getting him to look at a book for 10 minutes while I drew "clues" on bits of paper and hid them round the house. Each picture showed somewhere easily recognizable that he could go to and find the next clue hidden. After following 6 clues, he got to a "surprise" at the end (his favourite toy hidden somewhere). Then I challenged him to set up the same kind of "trail of clues" for me to follow....but suggested that he use 10 clues with the challenge that each clue had to lead to a room on a different floor (we live in a three-storey house). Setting up this trail of clues kept him totally absorbed for over an hour....and I had to stay in the bedroom reading my book so I didn't see where he was hiding he clues! So for about 15 minutes time investment to set up the game, it gave me over an hour of relaxing time to myself with a book!

I often also encourage him to use his imagination to act out a story from a book we've recently read or a film we've watched...using his toys- so then his challenge is to find the most appropriate toys for each character and set up the "scenes" in his bedroom - and then he will put on a little play for me to watch. But again, I have to be "out of the way" while he sets everything up...which often takes a long time as he gets distracted while looking through his toys to find the most suitable ones...and often forgets about me and the "play", and starts playing on his own with some forgotten toy he's just rediscovered.

Even when he was about 3 I would use a similar strategy....I would read a story to him and then suggest that he go and find some things in his room that had been in the book. He would easily get distracted with other toys and take a long time to find a blue car, or a toy snake, or whatever I'd asked for!

If I don't give my kids attention, they kick off, and continually whine for me, get upset, start acting up or in my toddler's case, start trashing things in the house. I find that the more focused attention they get, the better behaved they are

Where does that end though? Some kids get so much "focused attention" that they are completely unable to entertain themselves for a minute. Toddlers are one thing, but if your older children are kicking off and going mental the minute you're not actively entertaining them, its not good. #

"Benign neglect" is a new label but not a new attitude. It just means you're not all over them all the time, that you expect them to entertain themselves sometimes, get on with their shit without constant input. That's all.

Everyone is talking about allowing kids independence and freedom on their own and not micromanaging their movements and activities

Basically it's Montessori parenting. No neglect involved

Yeah I would just wait until they are older and accept the toddler needs more supervision until he's 4 or 5 or so. It sounds like the 6yo can entertain himself, which I think is a skill they naturally develop when you have 2 DC anyway!

User is confusing this with actual neglect - emotional or physical. Not cool. I have an issue with the terminology too, but I'm not a dick so I accept it in the nature it has been presented.

I am not "confusing" it with anything.

"benign neglect" is a term for ACTUAL child abuse.

How utterly ridiculous to adopt the phrase as a faddy way of describing what is simply hands off parenting.

You are being totally insensitive.

There will be people reading this who have been taken into care for benign neglect, there will be people reading this who have been taken to court for benign neglect.

As a child I suffered benign neglect myself, and as a result, was sleeping rough by the age of 16.

You are behaving like a bunch of pratts.

Benign neglect is a criminal form of behaviour. It is vicious and cruel and one of the worst and most damaging forms of child abuse I ever encounter as a teacher. Worse than physical beatings in most cases.

Actually for those who think it's neglectful a lot of thought and purpose goes into this way of parenting without half the stress of helicoptering. Structured play and strict routines don't suit all parents or all children. And that's ok

"benign neglect" is a term for ACTUAL child abuse

No it isn't, and its pretty fucking offensive for you to trivialise actual child abuse by saying it is.

Certainly benign neglect isn't a modern term. My MIL who is 95 used those exact words to give me, excellent advice!
If you keep pandering to children that is what they will expect.
However, easier said than done.

I am sorry user that you find the subject difficult and an offensive term. I don't really know what else I can say because defending it just seems trite.
I will hide and exit thread I think because I don't think it would be constructive to continue

user I'm so sorry that happened to you.
That doesn't sound like benign neglect though, but actual neglect. I can see how it would be upsetting for you to see the term used lightly though. that wasn't my intention at all.

I used to dread DS1 saying "play with me" because he's a perfectionist, and I couldn't telepathically pick up the correct way to play according to his demands, and he'd inevitably throw a huge tantrum!

I find physical play more successful and run around with them. If no one's looking at the playground, I'll have a crafty climb with them. We spend time snuggling up on the sofa too. I read with them too, for pleasure as well as the school books. DS2 was upset that he hadn't "read" to me tonight so I got him to bring the book to the landing where the light was still on and he "read" it to me there. There's lots of little moments like that. I'm definitely winging it!

I think of my parents as being there in the background. We'd often do our own thing around the same space. I was still a child when my dad died, and we'd spend time mooching around the garden together. He'd be weeding or mowing the lawn and I'd be pretending to be in Narnia or whatever adventure was in my head

Our DS is pretty independent: he loves his toy trains and diggers and will spend a significant period of time in the living room with them with or without our input. His neighbour and he have a lot of imaginary play and sometimes even when I or DH join in we get told off for not doing it right

Don't ask me how we've created his ability to do this though. If I had to guess I would say that we do ensure that we have real quality time with him one to one but equally he spends a lot of time with grandparents, his aunties and uncles and at nursery so maybe he's less reliant on us?

In addition we have always been strict about bedtimes and on the odd occasion he gets up in the middle of the night we sleep in with him, not him with us - maybe he's less reliant in that sense too? I have also never been PFB about him either, again maybe that's it?

Clearly, as I'm sure you can tell, DH and I are just winging it most of the time. I don't have a fucking clue how DS is the way he is tbh.

That said, he can also be a demanding little tyrant and you can guarantee that if DH and I even remotely tried to impose "benign neglect" on him all hell would break loose. In addition, he does hate it if we don't read him his bedtime story so although he can entertain himself to a point he knows what he likes and certainly wouldn't be happy with breaks in a routine that he likes.

Never heard of it, but if it's the difference between having your child hanging around your neck while you're trying to have coffee & chat with other parents, and having a child that happily buggers off to play with others/a stick/ on their own, then I'm happily in the neglectful parent camp.

I think there is a huge middle ground here.

As I said above, benign neglect dominated my childhood. There were times where in all honesty it was not just a but lazy but irresponsible - letting me swim in the sea and play on the beach unsupervised while parents baked to a crisp - but different times and all that.

In the house I was expected to play independently.

On the plus side, I had some elaborate and fancy games usually featuring some sort of journey. I was pretty fortunate in that I grew up in a big old house with lots of land and outbuildings and it really was my kingdom. The flowers in the garden had their own personalities and I had some 'historical' games as well, of servants living in the outbuildings and working for a cruel master I also read a lot - didn't watch much TV, never have.

In many ways it was idyllic and all BUT it was, as I said upthread, very very lonely. I don't really remember ever playing with my mum. My dad a bit when I was very little. He was very good at reading to me. I was a bit rubbish at playing with other kids, probably because my own games were so intense it was difficult playing a bit more lightly alongside others.

I was old - late teens maybe - before I really outgrew my imaginary world.

I don't know that it did me much good.

user1490123259 You are obviously confused;

benign neglect
noun
noun: benign neglect
non-interference that is intended to benefit someone or something more than continual attention would.

So many people thinking benign neglect is the same as actual neglect by not nasty but otherwise normal parents.

That's just straight up neglect. There is an intention with benign neglect - a strategy. Not a 'can't be arsed to care for my child' situation.

MissGoggins and ByStarlight, thank you for your only child suggestions, my DS is only a baby so at the moment it's just time on the baby gym or in the jumperoo but will soon be in the playpen while mummy is busy or if mummy just wants 5 mins with a cup of coffee in peace. I am concerned about him following me around for the next 10 years, poor kid, I love your ideas about giving him a little mission and sending him off Starlight, your DS sounds great.

I think for me it's just not intervening when they are absorbed. We do play lotstogether but from v young if he's been absorbed in something I let him be. I don't leave, we just kind of do parallel quietness, if that's even a thing! So he will be colouring and I'll be pottering in the kitchen. I don't distract him but if he looks over at me he gets a smile or a wave or a word or two of encouragement.

It still doesn't last long, he's only little, but it's important for them to be able to be able to amuse themselves. At a young agesthats not leaving them for ages, just them pottering around with the brush 'sweeping up' while you make a cuppa/laundry or whatever.

Start small. Give them something they will be very interested in and step back. Be around but don't hover. If they lookover to you be responsive but distracted (mmm that looks fun, I'm just loading the dishwasher, )
Graduallythey get it.

Which is why you can't really "do" "benign neglect" with a 3yo, because they need supervision. Well, no more than just not controlling their every move anyway but I think being overly controlling is probably the exception rather than the rule.

It's more teaching/encouraging independence at that age.

One thing to remember is that when we think of our own childhood, we see some kind of end result, not the stress and struggles it took our parents to get there.

But pretty well every book that features children, from E. Nesbit and the Anne of Green Gables books to the Astrid Lindgren books of the 70s, feature parents tearing their hair out on a regular basis. Because that is what having children is like. And unlike our childhood memories, those books contain the recollections of the adults.

When you say "trashing the place" do you mean making a mess? Sometimes I come across every single toy tipped out on the floor, or similar mess. But that's fine. They help me tidy. I let them make mess and ignore them.

User that is not benign neglect though, is it? Go and look up 'benign'

I like the "parallel quietness" description. I'm often there in parallel and available if needed. If I'm not available I'll say that "I'm doing x, I'll be with you when..."

I found in the classroom that if I had a string of hands up, counting the hands in order of a route around the room was the most efficient way of getting around people and most understood their place in turn. Adapting that for my own children seems to have worked from a young age. Sometimes if they're waiting, they'll take an alternative "I'm cutting carrots now, would you like to lay the table?"

Neglect is child abuse, and I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Benign neglect is not neglect. It's simply not hovering, stepping back to allow children to learn independently, but safely.

Sleeping rough sound awful, and I'm sorry you were put in that position.

Neglect - not noticing where your child is sleeping, not having a bed for them, kicking them out or making home a unsafe space so they prefer to stay out.

Benign neglect - allowing a pair of ten year olds to see how it feels to spend the night on the hammock in the garden, knowing your garden is relatively safe, leaving your bedroom window open so you hear them, and the back doir open so they can one back in any time, leaving a midnight feast for the on the kitchen table. Depending where you live, obviously. Benign neglect is allowing children the adventure having assessed the risk, and allowing the risk rather than attempting to remove it altogether.

Actual neglect - leaving a toddler alone in a wood. Benign neglect, giving a group of older children a picnic and a map, knowing they can use it, and letting them walk home/back to the car park etc. without you.

Actual neglect - never changing bedding, or even providing bedding. Benign neglect, letting a teenager experience how it feels to not change the sheets for a month rather than doing it for them.

It's not neglect to expect a child to make their own sandwich once they are capable of doing so - my friend's 9 year old makes packed lunches for herself and her younger brother every morning.

But it would be neglect to not provide anything to go into those lunch boxes, or to expect a four year old to scavenge food for themselves.

Do you see the difference?