to not understand the whole 'benign neglect' thing?

[deliverdaniel]

I've heard the phrase 'benign neglect' on here a lot, often seemingly as a bit of a boast. As in "you are being a helicopter parent, I just let mine get on wtih it, they entertained themselves by making their own board games out of leaves" or whatever.

I would love to parent in this way, and have tried it in sustained form for a few montsh at a time, but find it very hard. If I don't give my kids attention, they kick off, and continually whine for me, get upset, start acting up or in my toddler's case, start trashing things in the house. I find that the more focused attention they get, the better behaved they are. If not they constantly seem desperate for my attention. So how do you actually do the benign neglect thing? Are your children less demanding than mine? Did you only start this when they were older? Do you play with them at all? Or is it really a case of you getting on with your life while they play around you happily?

Any specific tips or advice welcome. Thank you

I don't think we called it 'benign neglect' back in my day. But my sons (now 28 and 33) were raised from an early age to be able to entertain themselves. Yes, we played together and interacted, but they also learnt to play by themselves.

I think it would be hard to suddenly switch from a type of parenting where you were always supervising or involved in their play to saying 'No, play by yourself now'.

In your scenario, my DS1 would have been playing with his Legos in his own room. DS2 at age 3 understood that he was to leave DS1 alone if he was playing in his room (and vice versa). It wasn't so much about being sure that DS2 always had the 'same' or similar thing to do as DS1, it was about both of them learning boundaries and personal space.

If there had been an altercation, DS1 would have been given a time out for hitting (as opposed to calling for me). DS2 would have been given a time out for knocking DS1's Lego over. Both would have received a talk about why we don't hit/why we leave other's things alone.

I think it helps if you've got more than a couple of kids. I benignly neglected five of the buggers, and it seems to have paid off (all bar one went to uni, all employed, all earning good salaries). The older ones entertained the younger ones, even if they weren't playing together/doing stuff, the younger ones would watch their older siblings.

For me, it meant letting them roam around, feeding when hungry but not constantly asking them if they were, 'keeping an eye' but not badgering them. I never had to 'help' with homework when they were older, they just got on with it, and they've always been self-sufficient children. But we do live in the middle of nowhere, so that helped, because they could play out/away without me having to supervise.

Very interesting thread but I notice everyone seems to have more than one child, has anyone got experience with an only? I want to encourage independence in my DS but am very conscious of the fact that he has no one to play with and not even a garden to play in. I can't be hovering over him all the time but I hate to think of him being lonely, how do I strike a balance? And get some time for me occasionally.

For the Lego, get a playpen and sling the older one's smaller toys in if with them, then the younger can be free range in the rest of the room.

SpikeGilesSandwich Mine is an only. From no age they were in the playpen in the other room while I fixed a snack, or maybe made pastry with the blender quickly (they hated that noise).

Don't get me wrong we did 'tummy time', baby massage and I even recall popping in the cot with them when they couldn't settle.

This idea is not a prescription, in my opinion. It is letting your lifestyle take the lead. I'm all over the mumma blog bulshit, but on my terms. Not for Fakebook posts or playdate brags but because it's nice to connect and educate.

This idea is almost an extension of that to me. It's not rebelling against helicopter parenting, it's not rebelling against anything. Just going with the flow and valuing yourself as much as your child.

It's just a choice. I don't favour this child centred, attend to them all the time style of parenting that is do prevalent these days.
Mine don't want to spend that much time with me. I hope that's because they are secure and know I am here if they need me.

Some kids are just more demanding. Naturally.

My children are allowed for example to run around outside with bare feet if they want to. My friend is very "put some slippers on!" the moment her DC get home from school.

I do coddle them but equally I'm likely to allow them to play out in the rain. Things that are in my opinion good for them might be seen as lax by others. That's benign neglect.

"I'll sit on my butt watching crap TV /MN'ing whilst the kids see to themselves."

That's ME!!

Think of it more as "controlled but anticipated disorder".

I think the key thing is that you need to give them each "me time" at some point in the day. It might be a tiny few minutes, but make sure it happens somehow or moves so it happens earlier or later. Then they will begin (not initially..perhaps) to get the idea that you have things to do too.

Aim low. Give them a plan that lasts for, say, 3 minutes and see it through. Set a timer if need be. Praise them if they do it. Move up a few minutes (but realise that some days they are just too tired/unwell). Move on after you have nailed it.

Otherwise find them a lot of activities/sports to do!

Tat is clearly not what anyone is talking about user

thanks so much- some really good helpful suggestions here. I always feel a bit insecure/ inadequate about this, as though it should come more naturally to me than it does, so thanks for not giving me a bashing for being a helicopter parent!

OP it doesn't sound like you are micro managing their every move anyway but fire fighting unfortunately is part of these early stages. I don't recall things being more relaxed in that way on a regular basis until they were about 8, and naturally just went off by themselves to do their own thing (read, play etc) and they could be more trusted to play together without WW3.
As long as you aren't managing them in loads of ways like constantly saying no/stop it/don't do that and involving yourself in every move they make - allowing them to make messes etc things will happen.

When I was with their father he would expect me to supervise everything and not trust them to do anything it drove me mad. If they get a drink of water and spill it then I will ask them to clean it up not hover over them waiting for them to spill it. If they make a msss brushing their teeth or don't put their toys away perfectly then that's ok. Going with the flow is important and I cannot understand why people put extra stress and anxiety on themselves with constant hovering

tastytub thanks. I think I am a bit more like that than I want to be. I have to force myself to let them try and fail a bit more than I do (ie I see my 3 year old climbing on a chair to get a glass and feel really nervous that he willf all with it so I take it from him etc)

Madcats that's so far from bening neglect I giggled! You advocate timing the minutes they're allowed to be free!

Its something I've done from the start really. When DD was a baby, if she awake and content, I let her be, and as she started to get mobile I let her explore while I watched (lived in a one room apartment when she was a baby so that was easy, I could see her wherever she went from my chair!). From toddler age I encouraged time alone in her (baby/toddler-proof) room - as long as she was happy, I let her be.

As she's gotten older (still only 6 though) she's naturally increased her independent play and abilities to figure things out for herself. I can send her outside to play and she'll entertain herself for a good couple of hours. This afternoon/evening she entertained herself dancing to music and playing with barbies while I was paying attention to the London incident.

At this age I also encourage her to do things for herself by saying if she really wants that piece of toast/that drink etc. then she needs to get it herself, and so she does. I still of course make most of her meals but from time to time I get her to do it and now she's starting to ask to do more things by herself (she really wants to be able to put the washing machine on herself ). I encourage her to figure things out for herself, like how to get down when she's climbed too high or gotten stuck. I'm there if she really needs me but I want her to try and manage herself first, and more and more she is able to.

When she wants to play with me we play but because I've been 'training' her in this way since she was a baby she's happy to entertain herself a good deal of the time, which makes the time we do spend together really nice and special.

I can imagine it would be difficult when you haven't done it before and especially when you have more than one and their at those ages when they don't play well together yet. When DD has a friend round I have to intervene more than usual.

I got the kids a ton of ugly plastic plates and cups. In a low down cupboard. A little step stool for the sink. Own drinks to be made early on. Mine have been making toast and cereal for a long time by themselves too. They love independence even in little ways they feel grown up.

I did the attacment stuff when they were babies and transitioned into a sort of benign neglect as they grew.
I never entertained them, I'd set them up with an activity and walk away. I didn't colour, paint or play with play dough, I hand it out and went on with other things.
They spent a lot of time outdoors and made their own fun. But we lived in the counryside with a field in the back garden, so they could dig holes, and ride bikes, make jumps and do whatever. They made a lot of things using sicks, plastic pipes and Dh started buying electrical tape in bulk they used so much.
Friends who entertained their kids and did activities with them all the time used to love coming over and setting them free outside in the mud with my feral kids.

@jonesy well I'm just trying to suggest some "let it go" ways for the OP to get the hang of things so that she can see that she is making progress.

It's not helpful to explain that our cat has been waking DD for breakfast since she was 5 and that we check she has eaten/what she wants at 6:30am....we talk through "stuff we need for school" about an hour before bed/on the way home and it will be done by her or not happen.
Of course there are times when she has our undivided attention; just not 24/7.

Baby steps to change habits....

I have one emotionally self-sufficient one and one who needs toknow where I am and what I'm doing AT ALL TIMES. She also tries to make me play with her and won't accept that that is what her sibling is for. They came out that way.

The only time I get real peace is if MUMMY IS WORKING, or if I ask them to tidy up.

I don't know if someone has already raised this but at age 3 not a chance I could have done this with my twins, but by about age 4 and a half they will play independently for an hour or more. Not always, if they're tired or pissed off they still hang around me, but quite often on the weekends now they just get up on their own, get some princess dresses on and maraud around for ages.

I think I got lucky with DS1. Like me, he likes his space. He's also got a good attention span and gets really into things. DS2 needs more attention and physical closeness, but also has a strong independent streak and likes doing things for himself. They're fairly close in age and capability so tend to play well together (6&4) although they are begining to bicker and wrestle more. I'll intervene if one comes wailing to me or if it's getting heated.

My house has acoustics that carry easily so it was quite easy from a young age to be in another room and listen out that the sounds of their activity were continuing, and to check on them if the noise changed.

They do tend to be happy to sort themselves out and they know that I'll emerge when I'm needed. They are very secure, happy children. They're flexible and happy to try new things, and I think being given that space helps them work out their comfort zone and limits. There's been times in playgrounds where they've been happily playing and another parent has been wincing over what they've been doing. Sometimes when they try something new, I have to hold back and let them do it, I'd rather that they concentrate and work it out safely rather than risking distracting them. If they need support, I'll offer it to them.

As a child, I had the space I needed to be myself, and I'm being myself with them, and they've got space to be themselves. We also do a lot together, and have time to talk over dinner and the walk to school etc.

3 is a bit little for it IME. It depends on the 3yo but some of them are still quite clingy. DS was. I used to get him to play alone a bit by putting his most highly valued toy (his train set) in his room and telling him that I'd help him build it up but then he'd have to play with it alone. That worked about 75% of the time, but he'd never play with it alone for very long. Likewise if we were at the park I'd sit on the bench and let him wander around and explore. But most of the time at home he wanted me or he wanted TV, nothing else. Same now and he's 8! But we insist on some screen free time each day and we don't always make ourselves available during that time to entertain.

It's okay for them to be bored. But if they're dealing with the boredom by causing trouble it might be an idea to change the arrangement or up the supervision.

somewhatidiosyncratic thanks this is helpful. Mine are 6 and 3 and sound as though they have similar-ish temperaments to yours (DS1 much more focused/ able to play by himself, DS2 much more physical and demanding). Do you ever play with them? If so, how often/ for how long? or is it always them playing on their own and their main interaction with you is walking to school/ dinner etc (ie not playtime). thanks!

Bertiebotts yes that's the problem. IF they are bored, they don't magically start coming up with creative play solutions (although this has happened occasionally). But trashing the place/ arguing is more normal.

Surely only applies to school age kids - benign neglect of toddlers is plain old traditional neglect