to not understand the whole 'benign neglect' thing?

[deliverdaniel]

I've heard the phrase 'benign neglect' on here a lot, often seemingly as a bit of a boast. As in "you are being a helicopter parent, I just let mine get on wtih it, they entertained themselves by making their own board games out of leaves" or whatever.

I would love to parent in this way, and have tried it in sustained form for a few montsh at a time, but find it very hard. If I don't give my kids attention, they kick off, and continually whine for me, get upset, start acting up or in my toddler's case, start trashing things in the house. I find that the more focused attention they get, the better behaved they are. If not they constantly seem desperate for my attention. So how do you actually do the benign neglect thing? Are your children less demanding than mine? Did you only start this when they were older? Do you play with them at all? Or is it really a case of you getting on with your life while they play around you happily?

Any specific tips or advice welcome. Thank you

Benign neglect is a form of child abuse, it isn't something to aspire to or boast about. It is defined as failing to meet a child's needs through ignorance.

i dunno - i don't think it means don't give them attention. i take it to mean don't pander to every small request / demand. if there's something they want you to do that you know they could do for themselves get them to to it.

if they're happily playing and getting on with things, don't get involved. it's ok to step back.

but if they need attention, give it. they're young. i agree that the older they get the more appropriate benign neglect is. can't do it with a baby , 7 yo, more so.

in my experience, if a kid needs attention and you give it, like look at their drawing or read them a story, and they can rely on you for that sort of attention, then they're happier to get on with things on their own - they're more secure that you're available.

it's a fine balance.

Defined where exactly?

That's clearly not what we're talking about here user, don't set up a straw man.

You can do it with a baby. If they're content, let them be. They're new in the world what we find dull they find fascinating

For me it's about letting them get on with it if they're pottering happily, rather than insisting they do things my way, so letting them make mistakes, letting them be a bit bored sometimes so they learn to entertain themselves, letting them learn that they aren't always the centre of my attention.

Balanced with other times when they absolutely are. So we will play board games, bake cakes, read together, etc. But we will also have times when I'm having a drink and they are doing as they please.

We camp in the summer. With friends. And they learn to go off with friends of a similar age, they have boundaries in the site, but generally they come back for food and then buzz off back to wheeling around the site, poking mud with sticks and wiping the sticks on wellies, seeing how close they can get to the pig pen before the pigs fart, wheedling pennies out of us for the ice cream cart, and just chatting, playing, having fun with friends whilst we grown ups e joy sitting in peace and having our own conversations.

It's about watching from a distance when a toddler falls over and letting them pick themselves up and get on with it (if genuinely unhurt!) rather than racing over to pick them up and making a bigger deal of the fall than it was.

About letting them have a corner of the garden for digging to China and not insisting they plant neat rows of sunflowers and courgettes (but letting them have the seeds to do that if they want to too).

I see it as letting them practice failing as well as seeing what they can do for themselves, which helps them to be more resilient adults, with a better idea of their share of the whole orange.

It's different from actual neglect - I'm generally aware of what they're doing, I'm available for emergencies, I'm enthusiastic and encouraging. I might leave them to cook for themselves or have a camp fire (not the toddlers!), but if it's disastrous, I will have back up food available, or suggestions for fixing it if they want my help.

So pretty much, not hovering. But helping when they want the help. And encouraging age and developmentally appropriate independence.

Spot on silence perfectly put!

I home educated my kids through primary years - plenty of educational activities and talking and reading, but very very little in the way of playing with them. They have always been good at keeping themselves entertained, but some more than others!

It takes time to get used to. Ours have always had loads of spare time (no preschool or school, not many structured activities etc) and lots of fairly 'open ended' toys, for want of a better description that can be used in lots of different ways. We don't restrict TV as such, but it isn't on as a background here. They've always just got on with it, I'm crap.at playing. So at the moment they're playing Lego on the floor, before this one was sat at the table drawing and the other was upstairs. They're 6 and 4 now but have always just cracked on, they've got free access to craft materials, the garden etc.

That's clearly not what we're talking about here user,

so you think it is ok to take a form of child abuse lightly and joke about it, and even boast about doing it?

What would you think if the term being used here was "grooming", instead of "benign neglect"

Totally insulting and disrespectful to victims with life long scars, and to the professionals who deal with it.

I have cultivated benign neglect and it's taken a LOT of work but eventually it does pay dividends. So there has been a lot of setting up toys for them, playing beside them, handing them the toys so they can direct things, moving on to talking them through what they want to do from a distance (so still involved but not actively doing it for them). And sometimes saying 'I need to finish X, once I'm done, then I will do Y'. Positive praise for the good independent playing is key (although very dull!).

Now I can get whole HOURS out of the older ones and even the baby (19mo) is starting to be able to entertain himself alone when they are in nursery for 10-15 mins. I think part of it is letting them have a private internal world which is such an important thing. Gives them confidence and certainty in themselves which has been amazing to see.

Some days they still whinge and whine and some days they really want me to play with them actively and I deal with both as best I can.

Wait till they are teenagers and you end up asking them pityfully if they will come spend some time with you! Sometimes with bribes!

benign
bɪˈnʌɪn/Submit
adjective
1.
gentle and kind.
"his benign but firm manner"
synonyms: kindly, kind, warm-hearted, good-natured, friendly, warm, affectionate, agreeable, amiable, good-humoured, genial, congenial, cordial, approachable, tender, tender-hearted, soft-hearted, gentle, sympathetic, compassionate, caring, considerate, thoughtful, helpful, well disposed, obliging, accommodating, generous, big-hearted, unselfish, benevolent, gracious, liberal, indulgent; rarebenignant
"he adopted a benign grandfatherly role"
2.
MEDICINE
(of a disease) not harmful in effect.

I find that really playing properly with them and giving them my full attention, doing what they want, for 20 minutes, then pays off afterwards. So I say 'we'll play for 20 mins then mummy needs to do some tidying and read a book'. They seem happy to carry on with the game themselves - It works better than trying to get them to play from the outset.

I think the key is no micro management i.e. Nagging.

I don't manage their homework I remind them. Help if required
I don't manage their bedrooms they get reminded. I don't go in there demanding this and that is done
I don't manage their chores I remind them. I never do them for them/better because how will they learn?
I didnt manage their play, the way they ate, who they were friends with etc.

I manage the important things. Parental filters on the internet. Having clean clothes and food. I am the behind the scenes manager of their lives not the director

I think the way I did it is by giving them as much independence as possible on every area.
I've also always tried to not say NO and have left do quite a lot of things.
i agree you can't let them fighting wo getting up.

However, you seem to have another issue, which is that they want or rather need some attention from you when they come out form school.
And actually I think the best way to ensure that they will then go and play happily is to give them that attention. Once they have had their refill of attention/cuddles/being listened to, it will be much easier for them to go on and play on their own.

Yeah, Rhubarb, and what would you think if I used the term "firing them on a rocket ship to the moon" instead of benign neglect, eh?

What silenceoftheprams
put so eloquently, I agree totally.

thanks everyone. Some really great posts/ suggestions. Esp the one from silence

So benign neglecters how would you deal with teh following scenarios?:

DS1 age 6 can play happily by himself with his lego for ages (yay! benign neglect!) But then along comes DS2 age 3 who is desperate for attention and smashes what DS1 has built. Then DS1 promptly hits him. This sort of dynamic happens all the time. I try to get DS2 interested in building his own lego, but he doesn't have the attention span yet. I try to get them set up with imaginary games or others they can play together but they seem to need so much encouragement and aren't really sure what to do on their own.

Do I benignly neglect DS1 while continuing to 'helicopter' DS2? This often backfires-DS1 hears me giving DS 2 attention and wants my attention too and starts clamouring for it. Now no benign neglect is possible. Etc etc ad infinitum.

Any thoughts master benign neglecters?

I was a child in the 60s and grew up in a large council estate.

All the children suffered from benign neglect.

From the age of 4 I was allowed to freely wander, as were all the kids in the neighbourhood, no geographical restraints.

I could tell you stories that would shock.

Some children are better at playing alone than others. However, your job as a parent is to raise independent beings, who know how to look after themselves. You can't do that by managing their lives, they need to be allowed to make mistakes and experience consequences. Also to learn that parents are human beings with needs and feelings, but who will be there when they need them. That is not child abuse, raising children who cannot function alone is

I'd say if you are extremely present at the important parts of the day - personal care, family meals, bedtime story, sharing the chores, walking to school... or whatever suits your relationship, it is easier for a child to be satisfied with their own company for the bits in between.

Those pockets of being very present are so important to building the trust and communication in the relationship.

User is confusing this with actual neglect - emotional or physical. Not cool. I have an issue with the terminology too, but I'm not a dick so I accept it in the nature it has been presented.

missgoggins that is good advice. thank you.

You can't win with kids of different ages easily

I have one child who gets jealous of attention and another who could take it or leave it.

They probably can't play well together alone for quite some time.

There are all manner of options: give small DC something different to play with alongside older DC
Sell DC time with Lego as his alone time from smaller DC

deliverdaniel If no-one is getting seriously hurt I will sometimes tell me two (3 & 5) to sort out there own squabbles and that i'm not getting involved every 5 minutes. I particularly do this if i haven't seen exactly what's gone on.

Sounds a bit weird but it does some to work overall and since i started doing it there are less squabbles generally.

Also being bored is good for children. Helps their creativity.

I find it works best if i play with them first for 10 minutes or whatever i.e. say yes to the first thing/game they want you to do, tell then you'll do it for 10 minutes then you're going to do the washing or whatever have cup of tea and mumsnet. As they've had a bit of you up front they tend to then be happier pottering off by themselves.