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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to send a mothers day card out of duty, alone?

48 replies

PinkFlamingo545 · 22/03/2017 15:41

Does anyone feel that they are sending a mothers day card out of duty?

Say if you have a bad relationship with your mother, or she was a bad parent?

I have so little contact (her choice) that this year I have really struggled with the idea of sending her a card to celebrate what a great mother she is - because she isn't..not at all.

I have found it quite painful to have these feelings

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/03/2017 15:46

So don't do it. There is no duty.

Original poster
PinkFlamingo545 · 22/03/2017 15:47

I feel so awful really guilty

OP posts:
missm0use · 22/03/2017 15:54

Pink I'm feeling exactly the same. DM and I have been low contact since June last year and after her behaviour in Nov / Dec were now NC at her instigation.

I had an email on my birthday to say she was thinking of me, so I'll probably do the same on Mother's Day. At least that way I've marked the occasion in some way.

notcreative23 · 22/03/2017 15:56

My MIL is a horrible witch of a woman but my husband isn't even planning on calling her on Mother's Day let alone sending a card and his sister is a drunk who won't remember. I felt bad that she wouldn't get acknowledged by her children so I've ordered some flowers for her from DH and my kids.

CancellyMcChequeface · 22/03/2017 15:58

I haven't sent one in many years. The first few times I felt guilty, yes, but it got easier. It helped when I looked at the cards in the shops and saw all the sentimental messages, none of which remotely applied to my relationship with my mother (long-term NC).

She thinks I'm neglecting my 'duty,' yes, but I've stopped caring about her opinions. To me, you only owe your parents anything if they've been reasonably good parents.

But it can be painful. I'm sorry you're struggling with this, OP.

xStefx · 22/03/2017 15:58

don't send one, if she asks just say it must have got lost in the post

Lottapianos · 22/03/2017 15:59

I feel the same Pink. I am very low contact with my mother - she is a narcissist. I have hardly any relationship with her any more. I do send her a card, but I find the most straightforward, least soppy one possible. Literally just 'Happy Mothers Day, lots of Love' and write 'love from Lotta' on the inside. I do it mostly out of duty, but its still my choice to do it.

I think its fine to send a card if you want to, even if you have very complex feelings about doing it. Feelings are not straightforward. Do what you have to do. And have a hug from me - this time of year really hurts when you don't have the mother that you wish you had x

Original poster
PinkFlamingo545 · 22/03/2017 15:59

Isn't it strange, sometimes ''occasions'' can really stir up emotions

OP posts:
NarcsBegone · 22/03/2017 16:00

I'm NC with mother except to arrange for her seeing ds. Not sending something will create a massive drama so Ds is giving her 'grandma day' gifts instead. Unfortunately my birthday is soon and I will receive a message saying something passive aggressive like 'I've got you a gift but didn't know whether to give it to you or not as it would be pointless if you're going to hate it because it's from me' Hmm
Your mother is NC with you so be NC back unless you want to build bridges or keep the peace for the sake of the DC

Justmuddlingalong · 22/03/2017 16:02

I send one. Totally out of guilt/duty. Every year I spend ages hunting for a basic, non vomit inducing, 'Oh what a fantastic mother you are' card. The manufacturers of cards are missing a trick IMO.

Original poster
PinkFlamingo545 · 22/03/2017 16:04

The manufacturers of cards are missing a trick IMO
Made me smirk

This situation is horrible but this really made me smirk

OP posts:
Rescuepuppydaft2 · 22/03/2017 16:22

My dh used to really struggle with this, especially as all the cards sing the praises of Mothers. He would end up going for a card that said Happy Mothers Day but was blank on the inside. He only used to buy her a card because I reminded him. He is NC so doesn't bother anymore.

Knackerelli · 22/03/2017 16:23

I send a Mother's Day card and get a token present completely out of duty. I agree with pp that it's really hard to find a card without the 'you're so amazing' platitudes. Just a basic happy Mother's Day please!

She's not a terrible person, but always criticises me and never has the dc, whilst has my nephew all the time. Oh well, she's the one missing out as my kids are great!

NerrSnerr · 22/03/2017 16:27

Yes, another one here who had to search for a card yesterday that didn't say 'to a wonderful mum' or something. I always send a moonlit card from my daughter too.

Ellisandra · 22/03/2017 16:34

notcreative does your husband know you are sending flowers to his mother?

You say she's a horrible witch and he has chosen to send nothing.

I would be seething if my fiancé took it on himself to send flowers to my mother. Don't over-ride his wishes! And that is probably a very sensible decision!

Original poster
PinkFlamingo545 · 22/03/2017 16:35

Just because she is the way she is, doesn't mean I have to be like her -she's the opposite of what I aspire to be - and I honestly feel that if I don't send one there will be a drama (and it will be playing into her victim mentality that she seems to be so keen on) = so to avoid that, along with reducing any guilt I would feel - I am going to send a simple moon-pig one

OP posts:
Chipsahoy · 22/03/2017 16:36

I've just been through same dilemna. In the end dh has ordered flowers to send from us all. It's helped not to be involved but knowing she will get something so I don't have to deal with the fall out.

mistermagpie · 22/03/2017 16:36

I spent years searching for the perfect card for my horrible mother - no 'worlds best mum' for me. It was a guilty and resentful gesture every year and really, what was the point?

We have been NC now for several years so I'm off the hook, cards-wise but shortly after we went NC she turned 60 and I really struggled with not sending a card. I didn't though and as the years have passed and she has missed my wedding and the birth of my child (soon to be children), it gets easier to forget she even exists.

Don't do these things out of obligation. I wasted years on that shit. If it's very important for you to keep the peace then ok, but try and have a look at why you feel that way and why, as an adult, you don't think your feelings are as valid as hers. On many occasions I think it made me feel worse about myself to send the card than she would have felt not to receive it. I should have listened to my instincts and been honest - if she asked why I hadn't sent a card I should have been adult enough to tell her and god knows, she needed to hear it. It took a long time for me to figure this out. Now Mother's Day is about my MIL and myself and I feel much happier,

Original poster
PinkFlamingo545 · 22/03/2017 16:36

Gosh did anything I have just type made sense

sorry if im rambling everyone :(

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkFlamingo545 · 22/03/2017 16:39

mistermagpie very wise words there

OP posts:
TotalPineapple · 22/03/2017 16:48

I was LC with mine for years, I sent cards then because it was the path of least resistance (the one year I didn't there was nuclear fallout, and although I usually wouldn't pander, it really was just easier to not stir the pot).

We have more contact now and she's a doting grandmother, I think she realises now that I will not put up with her being nasty.

I think I spend more time picking a card than most people that like their mum, because I refuse to get one that tells a lie. This years says 'On Mothering Sunday' on the front and 'I hope you have a lovely day' inside.

EmeraldScorn · 22/03/2017 16:50

It's eye opening to read the amount of posts on this thread from people who have difficult/non existent relationships with their mothers.

This afternoon I've been looking online for gift inspiration for my mum (We have a close relationship, she has been an incredible mum, truly selfless and she loves Mother's Day) but I do wonder at times why some mothers can't love/treat their children right, life isn't fair for a lot of kids.

OP if it makes you feel at peace to send a card, then send the card on your own terms but if you don't want to then you really aren't obliged, do what feels right for you.

Best wishes!

notcreative23 · 22/03/2017 16:54

Elissandra They are from my children to their grandmother, not from him, so I don't really care wether he wants me to or not. As horrible as she is to me she doesn't deserve to be completely ignored on Mother's Day.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 22/03/2017 17:03

Maybe if you don't want to be ignored on Mother's Day you shouldn't be a 'horrible witch of a woman' then.

isseywithcats · 22/03/2017 17:06

i wont be expecting anything on mothers day as though i get on very well with all my children i wont get to see any of them on the actual day, and have told them all its just an american import which obliges kids to spend money on stuff i dont want and cards that will end up in the bin a few days later, wont even see my partner that day either as his mom has been ill and hes going down to london to see her , i would rather he spent time with his mom as shes 88 years old than with me

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