AIBU to send a mothers day card out of duty, alone?

[PinkFlamingo545]

Does anyone feel that they are sending a mothers day card out of duty?

Say if you have a bad relationship with your mother, or she was a bad parent?

I have so little contact (her choice) that this year I have really struggled with the idea of sending her a card to celebrate what a great mother she is - because she isn't..not at all.

I have found it quite painful to have these feelings

[HumpMeBogart]

"I think I spend more time picking a card than most people that like their mum, because I refuse to get one that tells a lie."

Yes. This.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I felt a really mixed bag of emotions today when I found a card in Scribbler that simply says 'Happy Mothers Day' on a generic yet aesthetically pleasing floral background. It's blank inside. I'll let my flying monkey golden children brothers make a fuss of her- she manages to be nice to them

I get exactly where you're coming from OP.

[whirlygirly]

Oh this is me too. These threads crop up every year and although I'm sorry I'm not the only one looking for the non slushy card, it's a relief not to feel like I'm completely abnormal and uncaring.

I absolutely hate Mother's Day, even now I'm a mum. It stirs up so many feelings.

[MatildaTheCat]

It speaks volumes that so many who have a poor relationship with their mother are angsting over which card, if any, to send. Would a plain floral job not do with no inscription at all? And a bland, have a lovely day, love Jane?

Mothering Sunday isn't an American import, it's a day we always marked via both church and school as small DC and involved a card and a daffodil or two. It's now seen as yet another marketing opportunity but to go back to the roots would be a nice way to consider the value of a mother.

We can't all get on as well as we'd like to. If someone was abusive I'd not send a thing but for somewhere in between it would be a non controversial card and message.

[BellyBean]

Ah slightly different situation, but for many years I've sent a Mother's Day card to my step mum purely out of duty.

Step mum cards used to be even rarer than they are now (this year I had two to choose from!) and whenever the well-meaning shop assistant would pipe up 'oh but the like a mum or someone special cards are over here...' I'd die a little inside.

My mum died so I didn't really want to be trawling those sections in the first place, but dad would be devastated and step mum seethe if there wasn't a card. Never did gift though.

[BellyBean]

Forgot to mention things have improved massively in the last few years, and keeping the relationship on an even keel through these sorts of meaningless acts when times were rocky has really helped.

If the relationship is unlikely to be salvageable though, no pressure (doubt my brother has ever sent one).

[TizzyDongue]

Feel the same.

I look at the messages in the cards about 'best mum in the world' 'I think you're amazing' type and just think pfft.

I don't hate my mum, I do love her but she was (and is) blooding difficult to live with controlling, capricious, confirmed narcissist. Not abusive. Best what i can describe it was she was (is) smothering in her expectations I could never be me.

I want a card that just says 'happy mothers day'. Though that's dangerous itself as I got a plain one once and she 'cried for days' because I obviously hate her.

Feel shite writing that because as I said she isn't nasty. So I should want to send her a lovely gushy card: but I don't.

[Ellisandra]

But notcreative its Mother's Day not Grandmother's Day.

I can't believe you said you don't care whether your husband minds!

That's really off. You should discuss it with him. If she's a horrible witch to him, then yes - she does deserve to be ignored on Mother's Day.

[Oldraver]

I spend ages and end up muttering under my breath as most of the cards have all the false sentiment in them.

[ginorwine]

Only send one if the outcome for you is better that you send one .
For eg
I send one as if I didn't there wd be an emotional poor me backlash to deal with .
I send the least sentimental one I can find then cringe when I get a call about it - gushing etc .
My sm thinks she is the bees knees and brags about us and her dgc to relatives but said relatives know the truth if he matter and she is not a nice woman .
I send one to get it done and try to allow the least energy thinking about it possible .
That's best for me .
So I'd check with yourself what is the most peaceful thing for you that you can do . Don't feel guilt - you have reasons to feel this way .
I'd love to have a mum that I want to send a card to with lovely sentiments in it and I'm sure you wd too x

[notcreative23]

Ellisandra I've always done things for my grandmother on Mother's Day, and my grandfather on Father's Day, along with my parents. They have mother and father in their names and I was very close with them and feel that they bring a lot to my life as many other people's grandparents do.
My husband is very black and white. He doesn't really care much for family or these types of days. I pick and choose my battles. It doesn't hurt him that I'm sending her flowers from the kids. It's not like I'm buying her a car or anything crazy, it's flowers.

[LlandudnoLlandudno]

Yes me although I have to send two. One to mum and one to step-mum. Such a challenge finding ones that aren't effusive.

[PinkFlamingo545]

I want a card that just says 'happy mothers day'. Though that's dangerous itself as I got a plain one once and she 'cried for days' because I obviously hate her

That is how my mother behaves. A serious imaginary victim mentality. She is addicted to feeling as miserable and hard done to in every situation she's ever been in

Fuuuuuck off, I ain't got time for that

[saoirse31]

Totally agree with pinkfkamingo.. In same situation.... Has been known to return presents to grandson...v v hard to deal with. Agree re cards, v hard to find one that's not completely sickeningly inaccurate

[Justanothernameonthepage]

Hah, my DH spends ages every year hunting for the perfect father's day card. Still not found the 'Thanks for the DNA and the Drama's card

[floraeasy]

I hear you, OP. It's a difficult situation.

I find a middle course is often the best way. You should not feel guilty even if you don't send a card. But you will, most likely. So do what will ultimately make YOU feel best. That may be to send a card. You will know, however, that it's really for YOU, not her. Smile to yourself as you choose an OTT soppy hearts 'n' flowers crazy card. She will most likely lap it up. Really have fun with this.

The reason I say this is because I am in the same situation and used to agonise over this stuff. I've now realised I can't win. You never can with this sort of person, can you? So don't even try. You can "win" by choosing something so soppy it's daft and spend literally 5 minutes on it. The fancy cards jump out at you in the shop. Save your headspace for something more worthwhile. Write it (you don't need to write a soppy message as the card takes care of that!) and fire it in the post.

Your mother will be the same person before/after the card, whether the card was blank/fancy/soppy/absent. See how all this no longer seems to matter?

Then, go and treat yourself to something that you like. Your reward Forgot about the whole scene until next year.

[gluteustothemaximus]

This used to be me too. I used to spend hours slight exaggeration picking out a card that didn't have puke inducing poems blatant lies and I couldn't bring myself to buy them.

I usually found a blank one, or one that just said "happy mothers day".

Definitely a duty thing.

One time when I was pregnant and a bit hormonal, I was in clintons in tears (quietly dignified tears, not great big sobs obvs), reading through all the lovely cards and poems about wonderful loving mothers, wondering what was wrong with me for not having a mother like this, and wondering if all other mum's were like the cards suggested.

[notfromstepford]

Pretty much what pp have said here too.

I do send one out of duty, but finding one without the nauseating verses can be quite a challenge, so I'm resorting to Moonpig this year - saves reading all the shite in the shops until I find a plain one.

[TizzyDongue]

Hah, my DH spends ages every year hunting for the perfect father's day card. Still not found the 'Thanks for the DNA and the Drama's card

Moonpig.com?

OP I suppose there's a possibility that you are my sister. Did you once (many years ago when you were young enough) our mum had made much of how silly, pointless and made up such things as father's day were and how ridiculous it was to get mother's day cards for grandmothers, stepmothers etc. You didn't get a mother's day card that year: and discovered it was a Very Bad Thing.

[PinkFlamingo545]

floraeasy what a fantastic post thank you

TizzyDongue no, its not me, but so similar. One year quite a few years back, I was a single working parent, and my food shop budget was £7 for the week - back then I didn't have a food store cupboard, we lived week to week. Mothers day came by and I didn't buy a card, apparently she spent several days in tears. Well fuck her cos my DC didn't go hungry and that is more important

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

I don't have a close relationship with my mother and I do not send her a card because she doesn't deserve one, she's been miffed but I don't really care, she was a crap, selfish parent and I'll never forgive her.

I loathe Mother's Day because children are made to feel they have to , just as you're saying OP.

[floraeasy]

Glad to help, Pink

Seriously, get enough practice at this stuff, make peace with it, and you'll see it as annual farce that takes 5 minutes of your time and thoughts. Bounce into shop, grab card, address it, get rid, get on with something nice for yourself. Automate the whole process. No more agonising. No guilt. You're free!

It does take practice though.