to shyly agree with my friends slightly racist comment in order to prevent awkwardness between us??

[MannBoy]

I've known my neighbour for almost 3 years now. Our kids are in the same class at infant school. I would say she's not a friend i would've made if we weren't neighbours. It's just that we see each other everyday and accidentally bump into each other throughout the day.
We usually walk to school to collect our DC's. (Well, she's started waiting outside my house for me).
90% of the time, conversation is pleasant and light-hearted small talk but other times she is gossiping about other parents at the school. The other day she tried to start an uncomfortable conversation which was derrogatory about an ethnic minority. She thought it was something to giggle about and i found myself giggling too, just to keep the conversation light-hearted
But now, looking back, she might think i don't mind hearing more of her comments.
It's really hard because we aren't close enough for me to suddenly put her in her place. I'm so crap at finding the words to show disapproval, in case of awkward silence. Furthermore, i occasionally pay her to babysit my DC's. Should I have said anything? Or was I right to just smile and quickly change the conversation? I also have the same problem when conversation turns to gossip about other parents that i am friendly with. Sometimes she even asks if i agree and i just say, 'yeah, i see what you mean', just to keep conflict out of the convo. Is that wrong?

Ilovesooty, i agree. I am almost sensing she is testing her boundaries with me. When she said it, she was waiting for my reply. I'm sure of it. So i think there's more to come. I just didn't want a light-hearted friendly conversation to turn awkward. It's just the two of us on the walk and I'm sure it would have ended in an awkward silence between us. But I'm left feeling shitty about myself and that is starting to feel just as bad as fear of awkwardness.

Mann, what is so terrible about 'awkward silences' that you are prepared to put up with so much to avoid them? Not meaning to attack here, but you seem unusually sensitive to these 'awkward silences' which you sound like you interpret as disapproval of you...?

Surely, if there had been an awkward silence today if you'd challenged your 'friend', it would have been you (rightly) disapproving of her? Doesn't that change things?

OP you poor thing. How old are you 10? You really need to grow a back bone. I would also worry about your dcs while her minding them, I wouldn't want my dcs to develop them racist views.

I'm not sure why. You're right. It says alot about me but I'm not a psychologist to work it out. I guess the possibility of her turning on me is not nice. She has a husband who she tells everything. He joins us on the school run sometimes. He is EVEN WORSE! He has no filter and has often outted me as a kill-joy, or some other annoying rude comment. He would definitely be confrontational about it to me.

It just sounds as if you mind more what she thinks of you than what you think of her, even after you've received the ultimate proof that she's a deeply unpleasant human being. You know you are right to be horrified by her racism, so why do you care about awkwardness with someone who sounds like a monumental shit and a husband who think you're a killjoy if you don't find remarks about smelly currymunchers hilarious? I mean, ask yourself that. You aren't creating the 'awkwardness' -- they are.

Knifgrinder- I agree.
Op you are actually more concerned about what she thinks of you more that what you actually think of yourself.

OP,

Lots of excellent advice from PPs on the calling out of racism/ improving your assertiveness to feel able to do so.

I'm zero tolerance for such comments, but I can understand how your circumstances make telling her to do one far harder.

After 3yrs, I'd assume your charming neighbour is well aware that her (and her husband's) views make you uncomfortable, and is perversely enjoying the power games of seeing you conflicted yet unchallenging.

She's relying on your fear of neighbourly or school gate awkwardness (and not wanting to complicate the kids' friendships), plus any future need for her babysitting help, to overrule your true thoughts of blatantly cutting her out of your life.

It's the old divide-and-rule tactic: forceful personality gossips and bitches about a group's individuals to each of the others in turn...
Might you be feeling pressured to keep on her good side in the hope that makes you less of a target yourself?

Rarely works.

Until you're confident enough to deal with her offensiveness openly, your best bet is to keep reducing time spent with her. Especially re your DC.

Your managerial position possibility actually gives you the perfect excuse to change the dynamic:
claim that, pre-application, you're having to get up to scratch on masses of X workplace policy/ Y legislation (you might pointedly throw in the term "Equality and Diversity" here).

The only free time you have to cram for it overlaps with school pick-up: now means headphones on, concentrating on mp3 downloads all the way. (Up to her if she still pitches up alongside; she'll soon quit when no audience for her nastiness proves dull...).

Or decide a new fitness regime means squeezing in 30mins walk/ run, so you'll now be arriving at school pick-up from entirely the opposite direction. Shame, that...

I always call out racism. Can't help it. It's a kneejerk reaction. I did it to a senior manager, blasted him in the office fully prepared to lose my job (I didn't). If you don't live and fight to some basic moral standards you're no better than an animal really

AutumnLeaves

Good post

OP they just sound deeply unpleasant. I'd be cordial but avoid conversation.

Thank you Autumnleaves for those ideas on avoiding school walk, however she certainly hasn't got a forceful personality. I would even say she's shy like me. That's why i I am shocked. I guess racist people aren't always loud and confrontational. She admits she is lonely and bored throughout the day - sometimes asking if we can hang out but i have managed to always come up with real excuses. So im doing my best at distancing her.. I've built a lovely friendship with other mums at school but she seems to isolate herself. She even made a jealous comment once about how I'd 'found new friends' (well her loud husband made the comment for her).

This happened to me op, I was new to the area, ended up walking to school bus with neighbour, we were getting on alright, then she dropped a clanger about 'The amount of bloody polish' in nearby town, I just went... Ohhhhh dear, she said.... I mean I'm not racist, but do you know what I mean?... I just said... No, not really... Cue awkward silence we still walked at the same time sometimes, but the friendship never developed, I knew in that moment we were incompatible.

If her and her gobshite husband slate you to others, others will probably think... Ah, op must be alright then

I've built a lovely friendship with other mums at school but she seems to isolate herself

Or they're clocked her as an unreconstructed racist, and try to avoid her?

Good point knifegrinder. Maybe they have backed off too but because they don't gossip, i don't know what they think of her!

I quite enjoy the awkward silences when people are being twattish.

It gives them a chance to reflect on their twatty behaviour.

No way would I agree with them just to avoid upsetting them or whatever. That's seriously doormattish behaviour OP.

Have some integrity and stand up for your views!

Hmm I rather suspect she's lonely and excluded due to her own behaviour. Gossips and bigots aren't trusted or liked really.