to shyly agree with my friends slightly racist comment in order to prevent awkwardness between us??

[MannBoy]

I've known my neighbour for almost 3 years now. Our kids are in the same class at infant school. I would say she's not a friend i would've made if we weren't neighbours. It's just that we see each other everyday and accidentally bump into each other throughout the day.
We usually walk to school to collect our DC's. (Well, she's started waiting outside my house for me).
90% of the time, conversation is pleasant and light-hearted small talk but other times she is gossiping about other parents at the school. The other day she tried to start an uncomfortable conversation which was derrogatory about an ethnic minority. She thought it was something to giggle about and i found myself giggling too, just to keep the conversation light-hearted
But now, looking back, she might think i don't mind hearing more of her comments.
It's really hard because we aren't close enough for me to suddenly put her in her place. I'm so crap at finding the words to show disapproval, in case of awkward silence. Furthermore, i occasionally pay her to babysit my DC's. Should I have said anything? Or was I right to just smile and quickly change the conversation? I also have the same problem when conversation turns to gossip about other parents that i am friendly with. Sometimes she even asks if i agree and i just say, 'yeah, i see what you mean', just to keep conflict out of the convo. Is that wrong?

There are assertiveness courses and lots of books, stuff on the internet, so you should be working on that.

Her principles/opinions may be wrong, but at least she has some and will speak out for them.

For yours and your children's sake, you need to get self confidence.

You can't be 'slightly racist' and if your not a racist, you don't laugh at racist comments.

I would have just said "who". I possibly wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for the many Doctors/Consultants that I've been seen by, from Muslim/Indian/Curry eating regions of the World and would have politely made my point.

If you can't be friends with her and not accept the Racism, then do your children a favour and drop her, before they grow up being ashamed of you.

OP: YABU, by not challenging or denying you are enabling the racism. However if you are not that confident in stating your opinions it can be difficult.

I'd suggest practicing some of the techniques suggested by other posters - rehearse them out loud in front of a mirror so that you have few common responses at your fingertips. If you have another friend who is a kindred spirit, practice together. It is surprising how much difference this can make when you want to use the tactic.

For indirect comments of that type I generally ask who they actually mean, ask them to explain, don't understand the joke or just look blank and change the subject. Dumb insolence whilst looking them straight in the eye can be quite effective.

Its worth looking for online courses/training in assertiveness. Sometimes its called negotiating skills or 'difficult conversations' or something more sensationalist but most of them focus on how to hold your ground and assert your position in difficult situations. If you are in employment you may find employers provide this but they do also exist for free online, sometimes via charities or academic institutes.

Good luck! When I rule the world assertiveness training will be core curriculum for girls.

See this as a learning opportunity - you'll know how to respond next time.

For what it's worth, that's way more than a 'slightly racist' comment - it's the classic, othering, objectifying 'non-whites are dirty with their filthy ways and funny food'. Not that 'slightly racist' is a thing, anyway.

Also, given that this seems to be part of a pattern of conversations about other people that you don't like - ranging from unpleasant gossip about fellow-parents you friends with to outright racism -- you should work on your assertiveness or face a lifetime of being assumed to assent to racism and backstabbing.

And asking someone what they mean is a good way to start if you fear confrontation.

I think you're right to laugh along. If you were offended, you wouldn't just do it to be polite.

I'm not as feisty as many mumsnetters claim to be. She's your neighbour and really,Mcallister her a racist might be accurate but hardly likely to make your life easy.

Think of some suitable ways of dealing with future incidents, whoever may make the comments. There will be more.

'Curry? I love curry, don't you? I wish I'd made curry now.'
'I'm not sure if I follow you but I probably do smell a bit sweaty after standing over that stove. I'm running for a shower, byeee.'
'I've never really thought of it.'

Then casually mention some friends of yours from X or y cultures and she should keep her I'll judged remarks quiet after that.

I could have written this myself, except we're actually quite good friends despite the obvious difference in our political/moral views. I did put her straight once, and we fell out for 3 months. After moaning about Syrian refugees I pointed out her boyfriend is Polish and his family are immigrants. She didn't like that one bit.

That's not 'slightly' racist that's bloody nasty!

"In your situation I would have asked "who's They"?" As a MINIMUM!

Assertiveness training.
www.openlearningworld.com/innerpages/Assertiveness%20Training.htm

The managerial role you're applying for, will that include advocating for more junior staff members if they experience racism/sexism/disablism/homophobia? Most do in my experience. If so you really need to get a grip on this before you take on that role.

As for worrying what this person thinks? I'd consider them disliking me a compliment!

To those saying 'it's not your job to challenge racism' as parents, as members of a fair society I think it's everyone's job. It's the only way it changes.

I can recommend a book that I often mention on here:

"A woman in your own right: assertiveness and you"

Do you really want to be friends with her? She's racist and too stupid to even cover it up!

Find your spine and speak up

I can relate to this. I live in an area filled with people who have very different opinions to me. I recently posted a similar thread under a different username, but about something slightly different. I don't know how all of these people here claim to never come across this. I frequently come across it, or find that people don't say it because it's not acceptable, but still secretly think it. Many of my husband's good friends are racist. They generally don't say much in front of us, as we clearly feel uncomfortable. Every now and then, something slips past. I HATE it. He hates it. We don't think like that at all. I don't know how to deal with it and often find myself trying to find something in their statement to agree with because I'm such a people pleaser. And I hope that in some tiny way, the fact that I'm only agreeing with one irrelevant piece of information is showing that I do not agree with the rest. I'm just so shit at dealing with it. I think I will look at those assertiveness courses. I struggle to know how to tread when these are his friends, who have been there for him through some very tough things, and are very loyal and reliable. They sometimes befriend a non-white person but then think that that person is ok because they're different. Not like the rest. The rest all fit the stereotype and the one they've come to know happens to be the only one who doesn't.

I have a horrible moment which plays over in my mind and is a real source of shame to me. The first time I ever met one of his friends, we were on a night out in this horrible rough pub we used to go to. I was only 18 and we weren't a couple at the time. The bloke was about to tell some story and stopped, looked at me and said "you're not one of these pc types who's going to get offended are you?" And to my eternal shame, put on the spot as a very unconfident teenager, I said "well, I'm not black but...". and that was it. Wtf was I thinking? My response doesn't even mean anything. I thought that the 'but' on the end would somehow translate as 'I don't agree with racism'. It sounded exactly like 'racism doesn't affect my life so I don't care'. I was horrified and asked my now husband about it, hoping that it was some kind of satirical comment that had gone over my head. It wasn't. Still beat myself up about that now. He was living with his best friend and her daughter at the time, who are both black, and STILL coming out with that stuff.

Twingler

I live in a very multi-cultural, socially-mixed area. People do not say openly racist things, though of course I cannot say they aren't racist.

I really feel for you. I would find it very very difficult to live somewhere where people spoke like this, and it would make me really tense and depressed, as you say.

OMG There are more important things to worry about

I wouldn't want her babysitting.

I can't seriously believe that anyone can say there are more important things to worry about
She's racist and at least you acknowledge that you need to find your assertive voice particularly as this sort of issue cannot remain unchallenged in the workplace.

To add to my assertiveness issue, she waits outside my house to walk to the school. I thought it was a one-off but now she just shows up! As I said, i wouldn't call her a friend and I'm bored of our conversation, or the inappropriateness of them. How do i get out of that one??!

You've actually just reminded me of a time I did speak up on some racism. I had completely forgotten about it. Probably not the best way to say it, but never knowing the best way, I just did what felt natural.

A group of us were all out, one made a comment about Chinese people and their eyes, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you what, and she laughed. My immediate reaction was looking incredulous and saying, quite sarcastically, "WOW, because that's not racist at all!" Only one person in the group actually agreed with me, no one else was bothered at all. But something like that only comes out when I am in a certain mood and feeling slightly bold. Please ignore the ignorant people on here who still think everyone should go around telling others off and being generally perfect themselves.

Move?

Sorry, not terribly helpful. That's tough. Short of telling her to bugger off, I'm not sure how you can get out of it.

Who was it who said that nice non-confrontational people make the best nazis? Wise words in any case. I'm not saying that to be horrible but to make you aware that agreeing to racist comments to keep the peace makes you complicit OP.

You don't have to tell people off but I couldn't let racism go unchallenged or associate with racists.

As for getting out of walking to school with her, that's a hard one but if you don't go along with what she says perhaps she will be less keen to impose on you. I certainly wouldn't want her responsible for children.

it's rare to have had anyone be that racist for a good few years. People usually suss out their audience before saying stuff like that

I agree and the kind of vague and difficult to challenge comment is how they do it!

The next comment will be worse, and you OP, need to be ready for it.

Please ignore the ignorant people on here who still think everyone should go around telling others off and being generally perfect themselves.

Are you actually suggesting that people should shut up and nod along to blatantly racist comments because that's better than risk seeming superior by 'telling others off'?

OMG There are more important things to worry about

Do tell, isadora. Let's have a list of the things that are way more important than challenging racist remarks that sound like a flashback to the dark ages.

Twingler we have a family member (an in-law) and when he gives us his opinion on immigrants, he is very firmly told 'we are not having this discussion in this house' and he is immediately shut down. I don't care if he's pleased or huffed. I refuse to pander to any racist.

So, this is what happened. I made a comment about how i stink of kitchen cooking fat as i don't have a oven hob extractor. She said, 'well, it's better than smelling of curry, mixed with B.O. They stink of it'

Wow. That's slightly racist?? I thought you were going to say something about how efficient the Germans are or how the Norwegians can be a bit gloomy. Exactly how racist would she have to be before you said anything??