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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to shyly agree with my friends slightly racist comment in order to prevent awkwardness between us??

115 replies

MannBoy · 22/03/2017 14:05

I've known my neighbour for almost 3 years now. Our kids are in the same class at infant school. I would say she's not a friend i would've made if we weren't neighbours. It's just that we see each other everyday and accidentally bump into each other throughout the day.
We usually walk to school to collect our DC's. (Well, she's started waiting outside my house for me).
90% of the time, conversation is pleasant and light-hearted small talk but other times she is gossiping about other parents at the school. The other day she tried to start an uncomfortable conversation which was derrogatory about an ethnic minority. She thought it was something to giggle about and i found myself giggling too, just to keep the conversation light-heartedBlush
But now, looking back, she might think i don't mind hearing more of her comments.
It's really hard because we aren't close enough for me to suddenly put her in her place. I'm so crap at finding the words to show disapproval, in case of awkward silence. Furthermore, i occasionally pay her to babysit my DC's. Should I have said anything? Or was I right to just smile and quickly change the conversation? I also have the same problem when conversation turns to gossip about other parents that i am friendly with. Sometimes she even asks if i agree and i just say, 'yeah, i see what you mean', just to keep conflict out of the convo. Is that wrong?

OP posts:
HecateAntaia · 22/03/2017 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NecklessMumster · 22/03/2017 14:48

It's hard OP, but you know in your heart it's not right and you need to listen to your instincts, but don't beat yourself up. I've had anti racism training that said that we can't always feel strong enough to challenge everything, so if all you can do is say ' I don't agree' then thats ok. But do at least say that , and now it's on your radar you can be prepared. You don't need to do any more if you can't, but if you don't show you don't agree then it's collusion. Start by not smiling etc, it gets easier.

Original poster
MannBoy · 22/03/2017 14:49

stopfuckingshoutingatme, how did you gently put it?? Did they take it ok? I have been in similar situations at work too

OP posts:
Finola1step · 22/03/2017 14:51

I can guarantee you that if she gossips about other people to you, she gossips about you to others.

By not challenging her racist comments, you are agreeing with them by default.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 22/03/2017 14:52

I get what you mean OP. I have shite social skills and can end up going along with stuff that I don't agree with, or, rather abruptly disagreeing. It seems to be extremes and I can't see how to do it in a socially acceptable way so I won't give advice but just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. And to shitty comments about you being a sheep etc, good for those who don't suffer with such shiteness as not really having social skills and just knowing what to say and when, or having to second guess everything because once again you blurted out the wrong thing or having to reply the awful conversation in your mind where you wish you just said "actually, that's not on". If it is stuff like racism or stuff I pretty much disagree with, I end up nodding along then distancing myself or cutting them off.

BToperator · 22/03/2017 14:56

I sympathise as I'd have probably done the same in your shoes. You can't let it go if it happens again though, the DC are likely to hear it, and think those views are acceptable.

2014newme · 22/03/2017 14:56

Yabu. Racism must be challenged. If she said all Jews should be sent to concentration camp, would you giggle along?
Your post has made me angry.

Shame on you.

Original poster
MannBoy · 22/03/2017 14:57

Thank you for that HarryPottersMagicWand. That's pretty much me that you described. I really need to work on it though as i am applying for a managerial position at work and i would fail miserably if i don't know how to speak out and just go along with inappropriate comments

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 22/03/2017 14:57

Ask for an explanation, then gently disagree.

"I don't think that is actually the case", or something like that.

Original poster
MannBoy · 22/03/2017 15:00

So, this is what happened. I made a comment about how i stink of kitchen cooking fat as i don't have a oven hob extractor. She said, 'well, it's better than smelling of curry, mixed with B.O. They stink of it'.... Or something to that affect. I was disappointed by it and didn't think it would be something she would say.

OP posts:
Ladyformation · 22/03/2017 15:00

Answer below assumes you're white; ignore if not.

I respond to stuff like this by giving a HUGE smile and saying "you don't get any white people complicity from me". Then just refuse to engage further if they get flustered/annoyed. If they respond with more racism then I don't want to associate with them anyway.

I do think we all have the responsibility to stand up, especially as white people who aren't using up our personal stores of resilience. Me feeling a bit awkward is nothing compared to how POC must feel to put up with low level (at best) racism every day.

VestalVirgin · 22/03/2017 15:04

Well, in that case, you can just fake ignorance.

"I actually like the smell of curry better than that of cooking fat. You don't like curry?" or "What has curry to do with it?"

LellyMcKelly · 22/03/2017 15:05

I find that, "Ha, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were a racist" usually shuts up the racists.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 22/03/2017 15:06

If I had been walking behind you both, I would have thought you were both a pair of nasty bigots. In fact, I'd have probably said it to your faces - racism is disgusting and I will always challenge it. Do you really want people to form that impression of you?

Renaissance2017 · 22/03/2017 15:07

Those of you attacking the OP; not everyone knows what to say instantly. She isn't weak, she was wrong footed by the sounds of it.

I admire the OP for coming on here and asking for advice knowing the shit storm that would follow.

Atenco · 22/03/2017 15:09

You have my sympathy too, OP. I discovered a friend was racist the other day. Oh the shock of it! In my case I had to really control myself not to get the rage.

Do they still have assertiveness coursesin the UK? I haven't lived there for many's the long year but if you can find one it would really help you with this problem.

morningconstitutional2017 · 22/03/2017 15:12

Disagreeing with someone without becoming disagreeable is an art which can be learned - though I think it takes time and experience.
Could you say, "I'm not sure that I've found that to be the case, in my experience" or something along those lines? or "Each to their own." Then change the subject diplomatically. Unless she's got the hide of an ox (which may well be the case) surely she'll get the message.

trulybadlydeeply · 22/03/2017 15:12

In your situation I would have asked "who's They"?

Elendon · 22/03/2017 15:13

I can understand why you thought it was ok to giggle along with her, but you know it wasn't right.

It's tricky, but if it was me, I'd never feel comfortable again in that person's company. I know people of all ages, some remarks I can forget, especially with older relatives with dementia, but in your heart you know it's not right. Well done for coming on here to get advice about it. Ignore those who are being nasty.

My advice is to stop being friendly with this person. To continue will only bring you grief. I also think there is a bit of a power game going on and as others have said, be wary with someone who gossips about others you know.

SarcasmMode · 22/03/2017 15:15

I often end up saying "... OK then, well that was awkward." And a silence followed by a different topic.

Not many offensive comments made in front of me these days but then again I don't have many friends Smile

knackeredinyorkshire · 22/03/2017 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doowappydoo · 22/03/2017 15:19

I would have said "sorry who does" and acted confused- if she explained what she meant I would have said "that's an awful thing to say - don't say things like that"
I do sympathise OP in that sometimes your first reaction isn't the right one when you're caught off guard and not confident by nature but I think you have to be prepared for the next time she says something horrible- be that racist or bitchy. I really wouldn't passively listen to her maliciously gossiping either - she will think you agree and that could cause problems in the future. Just keep saying "no I don't agree' "I think x is lovely actually" etc etc. Stay true to yourself.

PinkFlamingo545 · 22/03/2017 15:19

You haven't done anything wrong IMO it isn't your job to right the wrongs of the world or feel responsible because your neighbor is an ignorant arsehole

The thing is, most people do not like to be disagreed with and don't like to be told they are wrong. However Racists are a whole new level

Racist people are below par intellectually, (you have to be to believe one group of people are ALL bad because of the colour of their skin)
these people do not have the skills to see any other opinions than their own - so often is going to escalate

Don't waste your time speaking to her about it, or trying to tell her she is wrong, she will just tell you that YOU are wrong. I would avoid her and never let my kid near her

Elendon · 22/03/2017 15:20

By the way, I wouldn't have said anything. There would have been an awkward silence and I would have just kept looking at her. The look of horror on my face would have said it all.

PinkFlamingo545 · 22/03/2017 15:21

I always say the same thing - 'that is racist'. No bystanders

Great response, but what kind of reaction do you get from that?

Has anyone agreed with you or do they get defensive?