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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to shyly agree with my friends slightly racist comment in order to prevent awkwardness between us??

115 replies

MannBoy · 22/03/2017 14:05

I've known my neighbour for almost 3 years now. Our kids are in the same class at infant school. I would say she's not a friend i would've made if we weren't neighbours. It's just that we see each other everyday and accidentally bump into each other throughout the day.
We usually walk to school to collect our DC's. (Well, she's started waiting outside my house for me).
90% of the time, conversation is pleasant and light-hearted small talk but other times she is gossiping about other parents at the school. The other day she tried to start an uncomfortable conversation which was derrogatory about an ethnic minority. She thought it was something to giggle about and i found myself giggling too, just to keep the conversation light-heartedBlush
But now, looking back, she might think i don't mind hearing more of her comments.
It's really hard because we aren't close enough for me to suddenly put her in her place. I'm so crap at finding the words to show disapproval, in case of awkward silence. Furthermore, i occasionally pay her to babysit my DC's. Should I have said anything? Or was I right to just smile and quickly change the conversation? I also have the same problem when conversation turns to gossip about other parents that i am friendly with. Sometimes she even asks if i agree and i just say, 'yeah, i see what you mean', just to keep conflict out of the convo. Is that wrong?

OP posts:
hoddtastic · 22/03/2017 15:30

i'd have said 'who' and looked confused, and waited for her to tell me and then say 'blimey, that's really not good and is quite racist' and waited for her to react.

If people say racist things near me, i say something, always, even if it's 'generational' I will always say 'hey, i'd rather you didn't say things like that to or around me and the kids, it's racist'

if they don't like it, they can fuck off.

user1483387154 · 22/03/2017 15:38

I would have said something. Even if it was just that I dont like or agree with racist comments and would prefer you not to involve me in those types of conversations.

Wonderflonium · 22/03/2017 15:38

you can bounce the awkwardness back onto her by asking questions. Get curious: who smells of curry? why is that funny? what made her think of that?

Honestly, be brave. She's the one who shit the bed, not you.

hoddtastic · 22/03/2017 15:41

yes, and if she's embarassed / gossips about you bat it away with When she started being all racist and i called her out on it she went all funny / weird on me and that's probably why she's behaving like this now, embarrassment'

It's not your shame, it's hers.

LouKout · 22/03/2017 15:41

Thats more than a "slightly"racist comment

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 22/03/2017 15:48

You are just as bad as her, grow up and tell her if you don't agree.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 22/03/2017 15:50

OP I would have looked at her like Shock then Hmm then
"bloody hell, steady on, I don't wanna hear stuff like that, it's racist and it's bollox and you know it"

I have actually said similar to the above many times, but I am v assertive, and don't worry about hurting someone's feelings when they are being a dick.

Others have had mush better suggestions for someone who isn't a naturally assertive person though, just giving you an example of what I would have said.

AnotheBloodyChinHair · 22/03/2017 15:54

Mumsnet is full of people who are so self assured, self righteous and know exactly what to say in any given situation, the make the rest of us poor mortals feel socially awkward and weak. There's all this 'no way I would out up with that!', 'I would have told them where to go!', 'No is a full sentence', 'LTB', etc etc. It's very easy to write that anonymously when 1. it doesn't concern you personally, 2. you have had time to reflect on the situation before constructing an answer.
The truth is that in real life most of us don't immediately react in a way we would have liked to if we had had the benefit of hindsight.

OP I think your reaction was quite common so don't beat yourself up about it but of course use it to strengthen your attitude in future. As for your neighbour/friend, honestly, she doesn't sound like a nice person at all. That comment is horrible and also what you've been told here is true, she'll be gossiping about you too.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/03/2017 15:55

I cant exactly remember, I kind of said

"that is not necessarily a pre requisite fore being gay you know" so I challenged the stereotype if that make sense, but I think they got the message?

as a lot of racism starts with sharing stereotypes I often find

impossible · 22/03/2017 16:03

It's obviously bothering you as you've come on here so you do need to deal with it. You say you're meek but holding that view means that you are silencing yourself. I'm sure you are strong in lots of ways. Graphista's suggestions are good - you dont have to go into a fully-fledged row, just voice your disapproval calmly and firmly.

There are several reasons for not letting this slide when it happens again. If you don't speak up she will believe her values are more widespread than they are. If you gently challenge what she's saying she may question her own views. Secondly, you are being racist yourself, whereas it sounds as this does not reflect your views. Thirdly, what if your children overheard such a conversation, or similar things from your neighbour’s children? Teach them to speak up if they think something is wrong. They will encounter all sorts of things in their life and will be best served if they can say what they think.

Be gentle in your delivery if that's more comfortable but do stick to your guns. You could just say, ' sorry I don’t agree with you.'

Good luck!

NC543212345 · 22/03/2017 16:07

I think I would have done a gasp and said something like "omg X, I can't believe you just said that! It's racist, don't you think?"

I can guarantee she will feel more uncomfortable than you. Try it out, you've got nothing to lose and like I said, the more you practice calling it out the easier it becomes.

NC543212345 · 22/03/2017 16:08

Oh and ignore the horrible posters who do nothing but criticise. You've done the right thing to get some advice. We can't all be brilliant in social situations.

QuiteLikely5 · 22/03/2017 16:13

You aren't a racist and you don't always have to challenge racism when it crosses your path.

CoolCarrie · 22/03/2017 16:16

I am pretty sure we have all been caught on the hop by other people's stupid, ignorant comments, and don't always have the right reactions at the time, I know I have. Now you have the measure of her, and the input of posters here, the ball is in your court regarding your interactions with her for now on.

CatSittingMonkey · 22/03/2017 16:18

Shock Wowzers.

I know you say you're socially awkward but I can't let comments like that stand, I have to challenge such ignorance.

QuiteLikely5 You don't have to challenge racism when it crosses your path but it would certainly help to show people that those views are not acceptable and would lead someway to putting an end to such uneducated views if we all called people out on their shitty beliefs.

NotYoda · 22/03/2017 16:19

That was racist and rally ignorant.

I might have asked 'Who?' wHilst looking really (COMICALLY) puzzled.

If she then answered you could either say:

"That's racist, I don't want to hear that"

or "I disagree" if you were feeling less assertive. The former is obviously better

affectionincoldclimate · 22/03/2017 16:19

Posters before me already gave you good pointers for handling this sort of convo so I won't repeat it but just wanted to say that there is no need for you to beat yourself about it.

I really acknowledge you for owning up. A lot of people wouldn't and you have stimulated an important conversation so I wouldn't call you weak. We don't all have a perfect answer for every situation and having handled comments like that from my family I know I got these wrong as many times as I got these right. My partner is mixed heritage and sometimes people would say things that were off by such a mile I would want to shout and had to scale back my reaction there and then, and try remain constructive. My own brother once said something that was ridiculous that only when he lef, it dawned on me what he was actually saying! It took a while for me to address it without wanting to rant.

So you'll do better next time, of that I'm sure Smile

NotYoda · 22/03/2017 16:19

*really

NotYoda · 22/03/2017 16:21

... but yes, it's easy to be caught out. I think it's rare to have had anyone be that racist for a good few years. People usually suss out their audience before saying stuff like that

NotYoda · 22/03/2017 16:21

.... I meant I personally haven't heard anyone say anything like that for years.

Olddear · 22/03/2017 16:37

I usually say 'sorry?' whilst looking totally puzzled. When they say it again, I say 'no, you've lost me' And just make them explain it all....they usually are embarrassed by that time if they're not too thick.

Original poster
MannBoy · 22/03/2017 16:56

Thank you all positive replies. I wish there was such thing as an assertive course. I'd sign up straight away. I think as well, I'd hate to mess up a friendship of someone that I had to face everyday. I guess I'm not weak because i find it easier to challenge colleagues (maybe because don't spend so much one-on-one time together). Also because i know she's such a gossip, I'd be concerned she would tell other neighbours how i need to 'lighten-up', or something. I know i shouldn't give a shit. I know..

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 22/03/2017 16:56

I can't bear racism and I would have to say 'what on earth are you talking about?!'
People need to be reminded that racist comments aren't ever acceptable.

2014newme · 22/03/2017 17:00

There are assertive courses. Stop feeling sorry for yourself "poor me I can't stand up to racism"🙄

Atenco · 22/03/2017 17:10

I would also be seriously concerned about letting her babysit again and you will have to be extra vigilant that your children don't pick up racist ideas from her children.