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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong?

121 replies

lucee12 · 21/03/2017 15:28

Who is in the wrong?
My grandad is very ill, he has cancer and is now in a hospice with not long left to live. My cousin has asked him if she could have some of his ashes to have made into a necklace, my grandad said yes and wrote it down on paper "x is to have some of my ashes for a necklace". I've told him that I wouldn't like him split up, and to reconsider so I think he is. I also think she is selfish to even ask him. But now I'm getting called selfish for getting him to reconsider.

OP posts:
Mummydummy · 21/03/2017 21:43

Really fuckin perplexed! I must be so out of touch with modern life! Does no one think its odd for someone to ask their Grandad for his ashes to make them into a necklace??? Seems, well, totally fucking weird to me.

My mum died last year and if one of my neices asked to do that I'd have been really quite upset and shocked.....

harderandharder2breathe · 21/03/2017 21:50

YABU

your grandfather is ok with it, so it's nothing to do with you

I could understand more if it was your grandmother objecting as she being his wife would feel to have more rights than a grandchild. But two grandchildren who can't agree, the choice is your grandfathers and he's happy with it.

Please stop asking him to change his mind and support him and the rest of your family through everythibg

Topseyt · 21/03/2017 21:54

Why is it considered weird, when keeping the ashes of a loved one in an urn is acceptable?

I don't think it is something I would do, but I don't find it strange that others want to.

Horses for courses.

Mummydummy · 21/03/2017 23:38

Like I said. I must be out of touch. Sounds like something out of a sitcom. I'm just glad no one suggested turning my Mum into a necklace... It wouldn't have felt respectful or tasteful to me. Her ashes were scattered not kept in an urn.

shyturnip · 22/03/2017 00:09

YABU

LilQueenie · 22/03/2017 00:27

She is also willing to pay quite a bit for this necklace assuming it is the turning of ashes into a gem style necklace. I'm thinking she won't be putting ashes into a locket or anything like that.

RiverdaleJughead · 22/03/2017 00:40

Honestly? you sound like a right cunt who thinks your feelings are more important than anyone elses. get over yourself.

steff13 · 22/03/2017 03:23

It doesn't matter if it's weird, they're his ashes and he was ok with it. Certainly if there's anything you should have control over in life, it's what happens to your own personal person after you die.

OP, I can't believe you actually had the gall to ask him to reconsider. Way to make his last days uncomfortable.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/03/2017 06:40

Yabu. Apologise now.

badhotfanny · 22/03/2017 06:41

Reverse?

KateDaniels2 · 22/03/2017 06:43

Ashes in jewllery wouldnt be someyhing i would do, but that doesnt matter.

Op i get yiu are havung a difficult time but yabvu. This is up to him. You have absolutely no right to tell him that what you want to do with his ashes is the right thing or more important than his wishes, or your cousins.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 22/03/2017 06:52

Op i get yiu are havung a difficult time but yabvu. This is up to him. You have absolutely no right to tell him that what you want to do with his ashes is the right thing or more important than his wishes, or your cousins

This. You need to apologise profusely to your grandfather first being so other if order and to your cousin Dorset thinking your wants are more important than theirs.

Once you have apologised you need to back off and keep your opinion on this to yourself, do not make a dying man feel guilty for choosing to do this for his grandchild, that's a cuntish thing to do!

hideehigh · 22/03/2017 06:52

Just to add to it, YABVU. Please apologise to your grandad as it can't be nice for him to have this kind of conflict in his last days - he is questioning himself when he should be at peace/coming to terms with his death.
Flowers

SpareASquare · 22/03/2017 06:57

You are.

This is what you choose to concentrate on during his last days? Shock

But yeah, go ahead and deny someone who loves him the chance to alleviate her grief in the way she wants to.

witchofzog · 22/03/2017 06:58

Yawn

(Op) Aibu

(Everyone) Yabvu

(Op) Flounce

Oh and yes Yabu btw. I can't believe you put this on your poor grandad who has enough to contend with. You should be ashamed.

MidniteScribbler · 22/03/2017 07:10

Really fuckin perplexed! I must be so out of touch with modern life! Does no one think its odd for someone to ask their Grandad for his ashes to make them into a necklace??? Seems, well, totally fucking weird to me.

I have glass globes made from ashes from each of my dogs that have passed. They are actually really pretty. They use a tiny amount of ash to make.

Who are you to decide what is weird to someone or not? If it brings comfort to someone, then that is the only thing that matters.

Mummydummy · 22/03/2017 07:35

Given I said it was weird to me - I think that I am well qualified to comment on that. And with respect, I think the comparison of her grandad to your dogs illustrates my point.

Mulberry72 · 22/03/2017 08:39

YABVVVVU, and your silence since your OP says that you know that already!

Arguing over his ashes and the poor man hasn't even passed away.

Disgusting!

BastardGoDarkly · 22/03/2017 08:56

Holy shit op, you've been so unreasonable.

Your poor Grandad, you're squabbling over his remains when he's dying you should honestly be ashamed.

AyeAmarok · 22/03/2017 08:57

Do you usually make everything all about you?

teenybean · 22/03/2017 13:15

Yadbu!!! My mum died two years ago & my sister wanted some of mums ashes to make into a ring (it's ashes scattered in glass, they do look beautiful & not like ashes!) she also wanted some of mums ashes to take to another country, where my mums dad & his family are from, but she got really pissed off at my stepdad & I when we took some of mums ashes & scattered them in mums favourite place to go on holiday!

My sister is a control freak though!

If your grandad is going to be cremated, then I am sure he does not expect his ashes to be kept together in an urn on someone's mantelpiece for however long! Who gives you the right to decide what happens to his ashes? Your cousin has as much 'right' (for lack of a better word) in what happens to them as you do!

Original poster
lucee12 · 22/03/2017 13:45

Thank you for all the replies. This is a reverse, I just thought that was a fairer way of explaining the situation. I'm just left feeling like I don't know what to say to him as I don't want to upset the situation as it is, but also don't feel like she should get her own way as we're both grandchildren. Her and her family are already claiming items in his home, but I'll I've asked for is his dressing gown and some ashes and they are labelling me as selfish, I'm feeling totally gutted if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 22/03/2017 13:54

So it is a reverse. That being the case, I do think all of your family are being unreasonable.

To be honest, they sound very grabby and entitled. Like vultures, and he is witnessing this in his final days. Hardly dignified.

I don't know what I would do here, as they are not going to change. However, I do hope you get some of the ashes as I think it is a lovely idea.

diddl · 22/03/2017 14:00

"I have glass globes made from ashes from each of my dogs that have passed."

That's a bit different though isn't it?

The GF has said yes & that should be the end of it.

Who do ashes "belong" to? NoK?

LucyAutumn · 22/03/2017 15:09

YABU.

It's his decision to make and not something you should try to change.

Also, with ashes comes the option of scattering them, he's not going to remain as one whole if this happens so what's the harm in the necklace?

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