Sruggling to get on board with sons girlfriend, who is a millionarre!

[Huskylover1]

Actually, her family are multi millionaires. 8 homes across the globe in places like Paris, Milan, New York, Los Angeles....you get the drift. They've been together 11 months. I've met her twice. She is very aloof. I remember meeting my DH parents and trying my hardest to impress. She doesn't do this. They came for one night a few months ago to dog sit for us, but left the place looking like an episode from Hoarders. Food and drink left everywhere, nothing cleanedup. I tried to forget it. took them out for lunch...they never bought one drink and we had lunch and 5 rounds after....where do i go from here...its his bday dinner Weds and im gonna get stiffed again

Oh and I'd guess when your son goes out with her family he is not paying either, and I wonder how he leaves their house....

I'm 30 something and my parents often pay for me, my husband and my child when we go out, as do his. You expect your teenage sons girlfriend to pay for herself? You need to treat her like anyone else.

She sounds unfriendly, and it is easy to assume that family wealth has turned her into a selfish and entitled person. Of course there are unfriendly and selfish people on every sort of income and with every sort of background. I would feel worried that she doesn't feel it is worth making a bit of an effort to get to know you, which really makes her seem self-centred.

If I were you, I would not be going out for expensive meals, but giving her a chance to join in very low-key and informal family moments.

It isn't your son's girlfriend's responsibility to ensure his parents' house is left as his mother would expect to find it. Only your son will know your boundaries - his GF will have different ones.

I also don't understand why you wrote she is a millionaire. I very much doubt she is. Her parents may be but that's irrelevant. She personally probably won't be.

I think your frustration is understandable, I guess just aim it primarily at your son. You're right, your son probably isn't thinking but pull him up on it next time. Otherwise he's probably in his own world thinking everything is fine, or even that his mother is so thrilled by his visit it's actually a treat for her to treat him like a helpless infant

Son can you both budge up so I can sit down.
Son, the plates?! And ummm do you think I'm your cleaner!
So you're not going to buy your Mum a drink?
Shall we stay for one drink, I feel like a treat even but can't afford more.

Why are you automatically paying for everything? There is nothing wrong with saying to your adult son, we'll pay for lunch if you grt the drinks in.
In fact if you get on well then I'd call him up before hand and say just to avoid any awkwardness, the last meal we went to cost us about £200, we don't have that to keep spending so you'll need to cover your share / pay for the drinks.

or go somewhere cheaper

It seems there is some embarrassment about your income compared to her family's money so you don't want to be seen as poor but it's ridiculous to spend money you can hardly afford just to keep up.

And for what it's worth I wouldn't be buying drinks rounds if I was her and my boyfriend hadn't offered, it's his family so it's his job. She barely knows you so is taking the lead from him.

The rest is highly rude, and I would have just said budge up on the sofa. And you said you told your son off but what made him think leaving it like that was acceptable? You feel he should invite you round but he's your son, why haven't you raised / educated him with this social expectation? It's not his gf's job to manage that.

The settee thing... walk in, cast an eye and do the 'shift up a bit' thing. I wouldn't sit on the floor in my own house because a guest was lying on it.

You need to start thinking like a grown up around them OP. Instead of spending money you don't have taking them out, why not cook a meal and try to get to know her better when you're more relaxed?

And yes I agree. Don't set yourself up in competition re money. Start as you mean to go on.

Speak up about the messiness
Don't take them out
Who the hell invites their parents round at age 20, I certainly didn't.

Ok disrespectful about not moving but why didn't you say something?

Are they at university or do they work op?

I suspect you're a bit intimidated by her family's wealth and you're trying to pin those feelings on something more concrete like she didn't pay or didn't shift up on the sofa.

If she was from a single parent family on NMW would you have sat on the floor or would you have said 'Budge up a bit love'?

Wow people are being a bit harsh on you OP! I've known a few seriously wealthy people and the mess they created everywhere they went was unbelievable. I've knocked over a drink? Not my problem someone else will deal with it. I've got some rubbish / old food? I'll just pop it on the floor here and the cleaners will get rid of it later. Gross. And somehow normal social rules didn't seem to apply to them. Anyway yanbu but not much you can do about it is there? If they're v young, then the odds are they won't be together forever. If not then I suggest you make an effort even if through gritted teeth or it could cause problems with your relationship with your son.

I always pay if I go out for a meal with any of my children, and the oldest is in his 30s. Never even occurred to me to do it any other way. But I wouldn't be buying rounds and rounds of drinks, especially not for people in their early 20s

They're still v. young and she's most likely just shy. Or maybe she doesn't think you like her, seen as you seem to have your judgey-pants on.

If they dog sit again, just make it clear to your son that you'd like them to tidy up after themselves. It probably hasn't occurred to her that they should be doing it, if she's used to having staff around. Doesn't make her selfish, it's just the way she was brought up.

I think it is the essence of self-centredness not to notice that other people have different standards and different ways of doing things. I would hope that by age 20, my children would be sensitive to other people's comfort and lifestyle.

The only thing that screams 'rude' to me is her lying on the sofa whilst you had to sit on the floor. What were she (and you?) thinking?

Rest - they stayed up drinking (or shagging) and had to dash for train and didn't leave enough time to clean up. Lazy but they are 20 and still make mistakes.

Going out: just say: 'I will treat you to lunch but my bank balance means you'll need to buy the drinks' etc.

It seems very fair, regardless of your respective incomes.

OP, you don't have a great relationship with your son if the only time he sees you is when you treat them for meals out or takeaways.

Your son knows you're not well off but continues to take advantage of you.

You need to stop being a mug.

You, your son or your husband didn't ask this women to budge up on the sofa so you could sit down. Not did they get up to give you a seat. Why are you being a martyr? Are you in awe of her wealth? Don't be, she's a spoilt brat, and it sounds like your son is too.

Talk to your DS about the messiness - as you say you have a great relationship that shouldn't be difficult.

You have to accept that, right now, she is his choice. So you'll probably be seeing her from time to time. What you need to guard against is spending more than you otherwise would (or indeed can afford) on entertaining when she is there. Because I'm assuming you chose the lunch venue.

And I agree with PPs who point out that the children of wealthy families might not actually have much money themselves (if the family wants them to stand on their own feet) and even truatafarians might not actually get their hands on the dosh until 25.

Have a discussion beforehand about you will be splitting the bill? Just be up front about it and don't pay any more than you would normally.

Claraschu - fair enough, but I expect you spend a lot of time being disappointed with people. Personally, I think self-centredness is expecting to other people to mind-read your expectations and then criticise them (to others) when they meet you (unspoken) standards.

lets hope she dumps him for someone of her own social eco group, which lets face it she probably will

then you can post what a bitch she is and how she broke sons heart!

*don't meet your unspoken standards, jeesh

I would hope that by age 20, my children would be sensitive to other people's comfort and lifestyle.

OP you really need to get some backbone. Who sits on the floor while their husband and son and son's girlfriend take all the chairs? A woman with doormat tattooed on her forehead! Didn't your husband or son notice you were sitting on the floor? Doesn't your husband ever pay for anything? You've got much bigger problems than your son's girlfriend here.

Okay, the messiness was shite of them but you picking up the tab? Meh, I'm 27 and my parents took me, DH, DB and DB's GF out to dinner a few weeks ago and they picked up the bill. Two courses each, many many many drinks and they're far from loaded. They wouldn't hear of us chipping in.